The Dangers Of Lighting Farts
A couple of evenings ago, I was browsing through PoopReport when I came upon an
article which contained a reference to farts (not inconceivable by any means). My
curiosity stimulated, I ran a search on google, and discovered a site dedicated
to this topic.
Browsing through this site, it wasn't long before my visual receptors were
bombarded with these two words: "fart lighting".
I wanted to know more. My second google search for the evening led me to the
"Durham University Fart Lighting Society." Through careful
analysis of the information contained therein, I learned that the procedure for lighting farts
was as follows:
- Strike match
- Bend over
- Let 'er rrrrip
I rushed to the kitchen, located, cooked and ate some baked beans, along
with an apple and an orange. I also munched on some old bran cereal with soy
milk. I know this sounds like I was toying with my bowels -- but this was in the
interests of science, of a better world for all mankind.
I already needed to poop really bad, and I had been farting
consistently for the past half-hour anyway. When the foodstuffs kicked in, my
anus was roaring.
I went into the kitchen, pulled down my pants, struck a match
and let one rip. The fart was smallish, but the follow-through was phenomenal. It
was as if my anus was a dam wall, and a rushing brown torrent had burst through.
This extinguished the flame, and splattered onto my pants and the floor. I reckon
there was a half-liter of poop in there.
Turns out the poop saved my
life -- or at least my ability to have children. A closer examination of the
website after I had cleaned up revealed that one must never light farts when not
wearing pants. Otherwise, your pubic hair can be set on fire, causing
damage to a rather sensitive area.
Although my fart lighting days are over before they even started, I would
really like to hear from anyone who has:
- Tried lighting farts, and succeeded
- Tried lighting farts, and had a similar experience to mine, or other
- Has any pointers on this extreme sport.
-- by fecaltreacle