The Dangers Of Lighting Farts

// // 176 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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0

A couple of evenings ago, I was browsing through PoopReport when I came upon an
article which contained a reference to farts (not inconceivable by any means). My
curiosity stimulated, I ran a search on google, and discovered a site dedicated
to this topic.

Browsing through this site, it wasn't long before my visual receptors were
bombarded with these two words: "fart lighting".

I wanted to know more. My second google search for the evening led me to the
"Durham University Fart Lighting Society." Through careful
analysis of the information contained therein, I learned that the procedure for lighting farts
was as follows:


  1. Strike match
  2. Bend over
  3. Let 'er rrrrip

I rushed to the kitchen, located, cooked and ate some baked beans, along
with an apple and an orange. I also munched on some old bran cereal with soy
milk. I know this sounds like I was toying with my bowels -- but this was in the
interests of science, of a better world for all mankind.

I already needed to poop really bad, and I had been farting
consistently for the past half-hour anyway. When the foodstuffs kicked in, my
anus was roaring.

I went into the kitchen, pulled down my pants, struck a match
and let one rip. The fart was smallish, but the follow-through was phenomenal. It
was as if my anus was a dam wall, and a rushing brown torrent had burst through.
This extinguished the flame, and splattered onto my pants and the floor. I reckon
there was a half-liter of poop in there.

Turns out the poop saved my
life -- or at least my ability to have children. A closer examination of the
website after I had cleaned up revealed that one must never light farts when not
wearing pants. Otherwise, your pubic hair can be set on fire, causing
considerable
damage to a rather sensitive area.

Although my fart lighting days are over before they even started, I would
really like to hear from anyone who has:


  1. Tried lighting farts, and succeeded
  2. Tried lighting farts, and had a similar experience to mine, or other
  3. Has any pointers on this extreme sport.

-- by fecaltreacle

176 Comments on "The Dangers Of Lighting Farts"

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

How about in Smellavision, FP?

Go to Google and type in "Royal Order of the Blue Flame" in quotes. It should come up as the first or second hit, on a website called fartfacts.com or something like that. However, there is no link to any site for the Order itself. Must be something super-secret, like Skull & Bones at Yale.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Thanks, Dumpster. I couldn't find any fartfacts.com but the quotes made all the difference.

Simon's picture

I have seen it done a long time ago by a guy I worked with. He pulled his pant's down for everyone to see and I couldn't believe his lack of modesty. I can't say I enjoyed seeing his doodads but it was an educational experience to see him try to light a fart. He had a lighter held maybe an inch from his rectom and when he busted one a blue flame maybe 2 inches long was visible for a split second. We all laughed and being the ham that he was he continued trying to light farts on fire when we asked. He couldn't get it to work again so it's not as easy as it looks. I tried a couple times with jeans on but no luck. This was atleast 15 years ago so I'm not sure but I think he had some pain with his success. I think I remember him saying that the flame went in his ass a little and burnt his hairs but it must not have hurt that bad because he kept trying. I'm sorry I can't give any proof except my word. What I'm really interested in is all this talk about pirates and shit coming out of someones butt. That to me sounds like a more interesting thing to research. I didn't even know that pirates existed anymore.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

So if you find out how to join, let us know. I'll bet I know what the secret handshake is: "Pull my finger."

The Gaser Geezer's picture

I'm 95 years old and I've been lightin farts since world war one. That's the big one. I dont know nothin bout no pirates and clowns but I seen some things I tell ya. Once bout 20 years or so ago I coaxed my old lady into joinin the fun and some kinda prehistoric reptillion thing shot out of there along with my dentures. Damn thing flew out the window and I crapped my pantys. Never seen nothin like it again and reckon I never will.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Dear Mr. Geezer:

With all due respect, sir, if you are 95 years old, you would have been born in 1911, which would have made you age 7 in 1918, when The Big One ended. Thus although I don't doubt that you and the Old Lady have had your share of fun, maybe it was in connection with a later event connected with a man named Hitler. Does that name ring a bell??

May I suggest you ring the bell for the nurses; have them change your Depends, and have a good night's sleep, compliments of your friends here at PR.

And, by the way, whichever war you served in, sir, you have our thanks and gratitiude.

Yours very truly,

The Dumpster

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

Dumpster: I don't think that post was real. Sorry to break it to ya.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

O, please AB2K--don't disillusion me! I believe EVERY post on PR is real. I must! I also believe in the Tooth Fairy, and in immigration reform.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

HAH HAH HAH immigration reform.

The mexicans will come in no matter WHAT you do.

BTW, I found a great price on roll off -20 yard dumpsters at WM.com

I saw a bvideo online once of a dude who lit his fart and lit a candle wit it.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

The ex-Mrs. Dumpster's uncle B.M. used to light off his own farts. Unfortunately, he is dead now.

The Gaser Geezer's picture

Dear Mr. Dunpster:
What makes you think I served in some war. I been lightin farts off since world war 1. Hell, I woulda been screamin like a girlscout at a sleepover if I was gettin shot at. I'm more the fart lightin sort. Ain't got no time fer marchin round when there's fartin to be done. Damn if you wernt right bout me needin a changin though.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Looks like you were right, AB2K. Damn, it seems like I will fall for anything. The other day some lady came to the door claiming she was from my insurance company, and in order to renew my policy, they needed me to take off my clothes and dance around my living room naked while she videoed it.

I later found out that it was a scam. Boy, did I feel stupid.

Jeremy's picture

I've lit my farts on fire before. My technique is to lay on my back with my pants down, and hold a Bic lighter by my buthole and let all hell break loose. You can get some really big flames!

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

TD writes, "The other day some lady came to the door claiming she was from my insurance company, and in order to renew my policy, they needed me to take off my clothes and dance around my living room naked while she videoed it."

Well, I certainly hope you were wise enough to accompany your dance with appropriate music. Perhaps, say, The 'Toreador Song' from Carmen so that your one horned bull didn't stand out so much or so you could strategically use a matador cape to at least provide an "R" version....

Just what business are you in, Dumpy, that would require insurance on body parts?

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Some people say I'm a professional prick, Bunghole, but you be the judge.

The following is an actual article from the Los Angeles Times. You can find it all over the web:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously awry.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again. I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers. This fire in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered 2nd degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil. Farnum suffered 1st and 2nd degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

***

My, my, my.

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

Professional or amateur, I'll only be the judge if it's gratis, Dumpy.

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Gratzia, Bungie!

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

Il piacere è il mio, sono sicuro, Dumpy.

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

If you only knew, la mia signora.

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

Oh, ma so...

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

In the Biblical sense, Bungie?

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

While not Genesis 19: 4-8, perhaps The Bible According to Mark Twain... The most figurative guy I've read.


_______
Don't just sit there: Have a Farting Contest!

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

Anonymous Coward's picture

try http://www.burningfarts.com

...awesome

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

The web site referred to above is awfully awesome. Here is a link to it.

As unofficial legal counsel for PoopReport, however, I need to advise people going to that site NOT TO ATTEMPT THESE STUNTS YOURSELVES. Lighting farts can "backfire" (pun intended), and you can be seriously injured. Just enjoy watching the other dumb yahoos make asses out of themselves.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i have tryed this and shit on myself when it lit. it was fast and scared the hell out of me.

Jake Summers's picture

Dude, you can lite farts on fire... You just need to dropyourpants to get a good one, but I heard you can blow up your intestines doing it that way .

fart-lighter anon.'s picture

i have successfully combusted many flattus. the key is getting the flattus to fly upwards at 45 degree angle... thay has proved most effective.. dont forget underwear.. and as far as producing flattus.. nothing beats White Castle hamburgers(sliders)

Northy's picture
l 100+ points

Me and a few mates started doing it with lighters at a party while drunk. It's amazing how childish lads can be, this gave us HOURS of entertainment. Also one of my sisters friends went to University where she saw a competition. Lads stood in a line with their pants down. TP stuck up their arses and runs down to the floor. They all have one pint which they must drink once the TP has been lit. Only when they have finished the pint can the TP be removed from their arseholes. Sounds like fun for anyone willing to try

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have tried many times to light my fart, but only thrice did it work. Have any tips?

Bowl Clogger Blogger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I learned to light farts as a freshman in college, long ago. After about a fifteen year layoff, I one night had explosive gas and, for some reason, I thought I should give it a go again. A couple friends were over, both guys in their 30's, and I was amazed to find that neither had ever seen it done. I got a book of matches, we turned off the lights in the room, and my first blast lit beautifully. It was one of those cloudlike flames, with lovely blues and oranges. I'm not sure if that was the one that singed off the hair on my hand, but I knew from past experience that that was to be expected with those kinds of farts. There's little chance of burning your ass if you keep your pants on, of course, and if you don't have a hairy ass there's a low risk of catching it on fire with your pants down. My father, who's a doctor, told me that when he was an intern he saw several second and third degree burns of the ass and nuts from fart lighting. I think it's a myth that you can have a backdraft flame that goes up your rectum, but if your but lips are still a little loose from a recent massive turd I suppose anything is possible.
One thing I should point out is that some fart gas burns with a sort of sweet aroma that I find unpleasant.
Also, if you're ever lucky enough to get one of those squeaking "air out of a balloon" type farts, they frequently make impressive flames that shoot sort of like one of those barbecue lighters. I've seen flame jets almost a foot in length, and trust me when I say they're most popular...almost like a fireworks display, since they sometimes have a little flame ball out at the far end.
As for positions, you have the most control lying on your back with your knees drawn up toward your chest. Your audience will truly appreciate how this helps present the orifice in an optimum direction for projecting the flame outward and upward. Also, you can usually crane your neck so you can align the match or lighter with the kulo to catch the first burst of methane.
Best of luck in this. Oh, and don't forget that even women seem to get a big kick out of a burnt offering like this. For some reason they don't stigmatize it the way they do, say, when you beg them to pull your finger. You know the look, I'm sure, which is typically followed by a comment like, "You're disgusting." My ex-wife found great amusement in a demonstration I gave her one evening, but she never allowed me to light any of hers. Perhaps it wouldn't have helped, but I can't stop myself from wondering if we wouldn't have stayed together longer had we shared that kind of bond. Alas, I'll probably never know.....

_______
My butt isn't all it's cracked up to be.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Hey Kenneth, before bashing this site, go back to school and learn to spell the words average and guys. Stuck butt monkeys consists of three words, not one, Sheesh.

I have heard of fart lighting, but never tried it. I'll have to check out "Royal Order of the Blue Flame".

If somebody lights a realy stinky one or poops in the process, it could be called "Royal Odor of the Brown Shame".
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

IncontinentiaB's picture

Farting is a scientific process. First, you need undigested, complex carbohydrates, like slightly under-soaked/under-cooked pinto beans. Second, you need an anaerobic, acid tolerant bacteria, like the kind found in slightly spoiled oranges. Don't eat moldy ones, just ones that have a slight "off" flavor. Then, at the same time, eat a bunch of beans - undercooked, homemade beans will be explosive in about six hours. I just discovered lighting farts yesterday, and it is fabulous fun! There are two great reasons to burn your farts. One, it destroys the farty smell, which is great for married couples. Second, it is trully "natural gas" heating in the wintertime. Keep your shorts on, otherwise there is a very hot sensation, you know where. Mine make a slight pop sound as they ignite, accompanied by a yellow to blue flame. Lighting farts is the only thing that separates us from the apes. Oh wait a minute, I bet chimps would love to do it too.

Markieman234's picture

I've successfully lit a fart without any bother at all, what a spectaular sight. Funnily enough it kills off the vile stench as well ;D

dorvon smaldone's picture

lighting farts is the best. just wear a thick pair of jeans and whoosh! your crack is alight with blue flame. have your camera ready. chicks love it.

she-who-farts-louder's picture

this is one of the best sites I've been on. Before I met my husband 13 years ago, my friends and I would get stoned and let 'em rip and light them. It was so flippin hilarious. My husband doesn't find it funny because I want to teach it to my children (19, 17, 13, & 11). I think I'll show them when he's not around!!

certified fart tech's picture

Dried beans soaked and cooked in the same water, onions and stout are the ideal ingredients for Mr. Fusion. I have found that a match or a lighter is insufficient. If the fart rips hard enough itll blow out the flame. I have used a bernzOmatic blow torch like the one you get in home depot for interesting pyros. If you feel a big one coming on, just grab the torch and aim horizontal to intercept the exit path.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I saw someone in college singe their ass hairs from lighting farts with their britches down. Damn be careful peeps please!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

ryanallen's picture

I've lit my farts before, I made a 8 minute video of just that. It's totally possible.

Go on Youtube and search Light Fart or some variation of those words.

Wilma Proops's picture

Did anyone see the lap dance with its fart finale on the BBC's Doctors? It was written by Claire Bennett. Bennett will be directing a play called Red Hat No Drawers in April 2008 at The Old Joint Stock in Birmingham England. I mention it because the play features a farting ghost - don't worry they don't smell.

Anonymous Coward's picture

This is a safe and dramatic way to light farts. Have the farter sit in a bathtub of warm water containing some bubble bath. Lower the bathroom illumination. After the farter farts the farts will appear as bubbles of different sizes. Ignite the the bubbles with a pistol-type butane lighter. As each bubble is touched with the flame it bursts into a flame with a little pop.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

That's a wonderful idea. Does it actually work?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture

Is it just me or does anybody else take pride in having to flush twice to get a beast down the drain?

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points


Hell yeah! its easy ( not that impressive though,) ingredients as follows;
1. approx 6 pints of strong beer
2. one Lamb Tikka Masala with Pelaw rice and peshwari Nan, 8 popadums, lime pickle and raita.
3. Ben Hur on dvd
4. a blow torch.
5. TP
6. a close friend

Whilst making your way through item two, vast quanities of item one will be required to cool things down a bit. Persevere, untill all is consumed. Engage item 3, keeping some of item 5 to hand, 'just in case'. Upon item 3 coming to and end, fire up item 4, and leave it in the hands of item 6. Now turn off the lights.

after dropping trousers, fallling to your knees and aiming the starfish skywards, it shouldnt be too long before the rumblings of the fermenting items 1 and 2 start to break forth.
At this point, item 6 should approach gingerly with item 4, and get close enogh just to singe a hair or two, butt no closer.

Then wait...........

'POOOFFFFF!!'

a lick of blue flame removes the eyebrows of item 6, and in the blinking of an eye is gone. The next few bursts may well be followed by liquisplats, so make item 6 aware of item 5, you'll do fine.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You forgot item 7, marshmallows for toasting.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I am gassy enough that during the last power outage the local airport
mounted me on a pole, lit my asshole and used me for a navigational aid. Welcome to Nashville..

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

There are fart lighting videos all over youtube. I also spent nights at summer camp lighting farts with my fellow boyscouts.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I never got my fart lighting merit badge while in boy scouts and I blame it on my scout master who insisted I light them with my flint and knife.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I tried to light my farts after seeing Jim Carrey do it in Dumb and Dumber. My friend and I thought it would be real funny. I put my legs behind my head and tried to light my own fart with a lighter and ended up catching the ass of my pants on fire. I slapped it out quickly and we almost pissed ourselves laughing about it.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Anal Avenger's picture

After taking a dump, close the toilet seat lid and let it stew for an hour. Then strike a match, open lid, throw in and run like the clappers!

Anonymous Female Coward's picture

My farts always smell really bad, but they never light... what's up with that?

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