What an asshole! And I don't mean "The Dude."

Heels79

I hope this story is false and concocted. For the sake of all humanity, I pray this story was made up so the author could get a reaction...

To make one thing clear: PoopReport condemns turd terrorism in all its forms. We hope Peristalsis realises the karmic scales are balanced very much against him... the universe owes him a really really big spanking.

Turd Terrorism is wrong. The sanctity of the bathroom is inviolable.

Seems a little exagerated, but anyways...sounded like the guy was just trying to make the time go a little faster while waiting in line. Wouldn't blame the guy for running you down...oye

You should submit this tall tale to a producer of one of those stupid teen movies.

While it wasn't turd terrorism, when I was 6 months pregnant, my friend Andrea and I were in a situation kind of similar to this.
Some dudes drunk beyond belief came roaring up behind us in a brown Monte Carlo that we had passed as it pulled out of a gas station and tried to hit on us. The fact that I was pregnant with Madison was hidden by the car, but I think these winners would have still tried anyway, had they known. Andrea flipped them off as they came up along side us, and they yelled at her. They sped off going about 70 mph.
They were still looking back at us, yelling, when they came up on a blue little sedan in front of us too quickly, so they careened into the grassy median. When they came back onto the road, they hit the blue car, spun out, and did a 360. The one thing I remember was the amazingly loudness of it all. I never realized how loud accidents are. A bumper also flew over 30 feet in the air. It was surreal.
Then, they mananged to start the car again and took a right by Rosepine High School. We stopped to see if the family was OK, and they were. The woman yelled at us to chase them. About ten feet down the turn off, we thought, "are we nuts?", and stopped. We abandoned the search, but had the address of the quickie mart they came roaring out of. It was at the corner of Sandy Hill.
Andrea had to testify in court for this about 10 months later, but we had moved to Germany by then. I had to make a sworn statement. This happened on the highway in between Leesville and Deridder outside of Fort Polk.

Anyway, it was scary. So, if this is totally unexaggerated, I am just glad I wasn't in traffic by them that day. I remember the little boy in the back of the blue sedan was so small, and so fragile. He could have been smashed in the collision.
Yes, turd terrorism is a dangerous business. And, this story gets the Rutker Hauer award. (The Hitcher).

The story was funny - but not as funny as the other story titled "The Great Asscape". Dave, is it normal to have two shit stories with the same title? Not to be nitpicky but, the first great asscape is the story that I read first here on PR.com and it's the one I printed out and showed to all my friends & family.

Oh no! I didn't know I've used that title before! Damn.

This title will be changing shortly. I don't duplicate titles.

ah. that's better.

Hee hee. Yes. And thank you for reminding me to read the other story I loved so much.

I agree, this story needs to be submitted to producers of those teen horror movies...

So I assume your not a big fan of .38 Special.

Doniker got this one right on the money. Whoever wrote this tall tale is either a complete loser trying to over-compensate for his total lack of real-time humanity and saw this episode on a B-movie rental video he stole from Blockbuster, or he is a low-life, brain-dead, dickless, white trash thug who actually thinks vandelizing private property is somehow funny.

Either way it's too bad he wasn't a passenger in the Vega.

Peace in the Poophouse. TH.

This story is a fake. First of all, nobody can shit first, without pissing, as the phony writer says he did. This pack of lies goes downhill from there. The only touch of realism is that Vegas and Lemans were around in the early 80s.

"First of all, nobody can shit first, without pissing" -- dude, you're so wrong. If worse comes to worse, you can pinch the wiener while you drop the dook.

And if a log is coming out with no pushing necessary, then no pee needs come out, unless you push it out.

WOW! That's priceless.

C Everett, that was quite good detective work. I never thought of that.
Now that I DO think of it, I will usually start to pee first, unless I've got to poop real bad, and then I will "Multitask" it.
And, I can't pinch my weiner, Ty, so I have no thought to what you said. I am curious, do you grab the tip or what? Do you mind elaborating?

The things I learn on poopreport.

I am not saying I believe this story but these guys did say they were drinking beer.

Being a heavy beer drinker myself, I know that at some points I am pissing every 15 minutes.

So pissing after dooking is very possible in my book.

To those who judge me...

I agree, turd terrorism and all other forms of vandalism are things that shouldn't happen, and is a very wrong thing to do. So is erratically chasing after a couple of kids with a pistol because your widdle poo-poo session got spoilt.

Maybe to appease you lavatory Puritans who are "flush" with righteous indignation over the erosion of shithouse morality and are convinced that a 20-year old incident is a sign of the End Times, I'll start writing a series of novels called "Cleft Behind", about how a repentant turd terrorist gets left behind in a world of low-flow toilets after the Big Waste Water Treatment Supervisor in the Sky comes to flush away those who have practiced good bathroom behavior.

For those wanting karmic revenge I enlisted in the Marine Corps later on that year and went on to spend many, many hours making "heads" shine like a new dime in a variety of climes and locales...

Re the espousers of the "nobody can shit first, without pissing" argument...I actually DID piss first...and then I pissed again! As mentioned, we had been drinking quite a bit. After all, I only had to come up with enough fluid to soak "any toilet paper still on the roll". There wasn't much paper still on the roll, and it doesn't take much liquid to render even the chubbiest roll pretty useless.

I think it is oddly ironic you had toilet duty and had to make them clean.
Leave it to the government, eh?

Nuthin' like being reduced to actin' as your own apologist. Lame.

And until you post a story of your own, TH, you'll never be able to accurately verify which is lamer: self-apology or long-range sniping.

Actually, from what I've learned from being a real piss-ant Army wife (yes, we know, the Marine wives are better than me........), whether or not Turd has posted a story is only inconsequential to the fact that you, my Marine friend, posted a story with a big, white and red target on it.
So, therefore, I think long-range sniping was the way to go for Turd. In military sense, it was the best way for him to take down his target, who is in enemy territory, with the least amount of civilian deathtoll. A close range attack would have taken valuable poopreporter lives.
In closing, it's not the first time I've witnessed a military mindset come into this website thinking the people who read it were stupid drones who would just "hoohah" and applaud.

Master Seargent Turd Hugegrunt has called all to order.
Here, you are a private.
No offense at all to your military mindset, it's how I've lived the past 12 years of my life, from giving birth to a kid in Germany and nearly dying with no help to having to travel all over the world, following a man I love to make sure our country is OK, but damn, this is not the Marines, it's not the Army, or the reserves.

It's the Poop Army.

It's not pretty, but it's done for the safety of the country. Hahahahahahahahahahha.

Seriously, admit it, smearing shit all over someone's toilet, someone who will pay for your LES is a "crappy" thing to do.

You, sir, are a stinker.

But, I'm still happy you are out there fighting for us. Sincerely.

Dave is right, Peristalsis, your Karma has been altered forever. Don't be surprized if you spend your next thousand lives as a dalit, manually scavenging turds from the public toilets of Calcutta. Read on to learn more about the fate that awaits you:

Manual Scavenging in India
According to government statistics, an estimated one million dalits in India are manual scavengers (the majority of them women) whose work involves the removal of faeces from public and private latrines and open sewers, and the disposal of dead animals. Unofficial estimates of the actual number are much higher.
Public latrines - some with as many as 400 seats - are cleaned on a daily basis by female workers using a broom and a tin plate. The excrement is piled into baskets which are carried on the head to a location which can be up to four kilometers away from the latrine. At all times, and especially during the rainy season, the contents of the basket will drip onto a scavenger's hair, clothes and body.

Forty-year-old Manju, a manual scavenger employed by the urban municipality, described her daily routine and wages:

"In the morning I work from 6:00 am to 11:00 am cleaning the dry latrines. I collect the faeces and carry it on my head to the river half a kilometer away seven to ten times a day. In the afternoon I clean the gutters. Another Bhangi collects the rubbish from the gutters and places it outside. Then I come and pick it up and take it one kilometer away. My husband died 10 years ago since then I have been doing this. Today I earn 30 rupees a day (US$0.75). Nine years ago I earned Rs. 16, then Rs. 22, and for the last two years it has been Rs. 30. But the payments are uncertain. For the last two months we have not received anything. Every two months they pay, but there is no certainty. We are paid by the Nagar Palika municipality chief officer."2

Needless to say, manual scavengers are exposed to the most virulent forms of viral and bacterial infections which affect their skin, eyes, limbs, respiratory and gastrointestinal systems. TB is rife among the community.

Dear Shit Specialist Perry:

I have posted many stories. I just never felt the need to ask Dave to publish them on the front page. They are now archived somewhere down in the various threads. Some are totally true, and some are generously flavored with exaggeration (as yours obviously is).

Like Daphne, I too thank you for your service to our country especially at this time. Nevertheless, your previous duty as a Turd Terrorist is still a black mark on your rep.

Peace in the Poophouse. TH.

Seems like anything that doesn't adhere to the "What happened the day me and my roommate ate a chicken that was 12 days past its due date after we'd earlier gone to the Shoney's breakfast buffet and drank a canteen of water from a stagnant pond even though later that evening we had to serve as groomsmen at our buddies wedding and damn if we didn't have to wear WHITE TUXEDOS thus ensuring all would see the rapidly expanding brown stain emanating from our cheeks and running down our legs" template gets skewered for believability, so what the hell, believe or don't.

I DO, however, resent having the term "turd terrorist" directed at me for one incident that was directed at an individual, not at "Society" in general.

By your own standards, anyone who runs a stop sign is a "traffic terrorist", a person who who spits their used gum on the sidewalk is a "pedestrian terrorist", ad infinitum.

If you all have the wherewithall to thank me for my service, have the grace to forgive someone for a youthful indiscretion...'cause if karma is gonna jack with me, it's gonna involve some things that make vandalizing a restroom seem pretty tame.

So cut me a husk and grant some absolution. For years -- not just during my Marine Corps service, but including stints in the fast-food and retail worlds -- I created wonderfully sterile, well-equipped, and enjoyable environments in which my fellow man could seek relief. And when they destroyed them, off I went with nary a (audible) complaint to repair the damage. So bear in mind that I've built up a little toilet karma, too.

True or not, that was a great story.

So i'm just wondering what happened to the bathroom? If they actually cleaned it up...God bless the person or team of people that had to. But you know those old gas stations are always so nasty...maybe they didn't even notice a difference. You think if we drove by there today, it would still be smothered and covered? That would prove half of his story....come on let's go!!;-)

Man...that was great! I'm still laughing!

I just read some of the comments regarding the validity of this story. People who can't create, always hate. I hear the same shit too. Shake 'em off playa!

Great story I'd forgive you if it was me but I wouldn't be caught dead in a vega. I am sure we all shat our oats when we were young at the cost of others sernity I did and I will have to pay someday.... I used to live in a 12-story hotel in Hammond, Indiana one of those old folks places, I was on the 12th story. I would get drunk and sit on the window ledge open a can of oysters pick em out one by one then drop em on the old folks down below that were waiting for rides or just hanging around in hope that they would think birds were shitting on them, now mind you most of these poor old folks could not lift their heads to look up because of painful arthritis in their necks and backs, something I suffer from now in middle age, having had spranged my neck, and back and broken my tail bone, karma I'm sure but I still think it's funny, and yes it hurts like hell when I laugh.

great story. Quite believable. If this was something done regularly I would have more major issues. It was wrong, but classic. You deserve total forgiveness.

First off this story rocks, wiping or ASSPOLDING my ass on the ceiling of some shitty restraunt is not a terrorist act, its a message that the chicken in wine sauce WAS SHIT your service sucked, and go wipe up my vengence with a sponge.

VIV'A Volcano Shitting.

just a tip you can crack a turd off on the toilet seat and when you wipe up, the sticky part of the TP acts like velcro on any surfuce.

if your clever you can write out your message of vengence in TP on the wall and ceiling, enjoy :D

ok, not funny.

both you and Death Vega are bithces in my book.

Peristalsis is right. For as shit-obsessed as these people are, they are remarkably prudish. Where is their sense of fun, insanity, and spontanaeity? Fuck, can't a guy get a little weird in his mind once in a while and create some latrine performance art? I think a lot of these people are OCD and/or hypochondriac. In other words, NERDS.

You're also right about the lack of tolerance for deviation from the predictable stories taht fill this site. Ritualistic behavior, repetition, OCD.

Wahch out Perastalsis, Karma is no laughing matter.

I have a special place in my heart for turd terrorists (and it's not a good one), but this dude chassing you made an equally stupid move by letting his anger get out of control.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"semi-tard", eh, Peristalis? I'll have you know that even my 8-year old fully retarded child knows better than to shit on the floor, piss on the roll of toilet paper and smear his turds on the wall.

So, other than that, how did the rest of your first date with Lil Bro go? Did he put out?
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.