The Upper Decker

// // 46 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was living in a small cul-de-sac of apartments, in a non-descript southern coastal
state. My neighbors were comprised of several burly Coast Guard guys. Their roommates
were a couple of corn-fed hogs that hated everything we did, except toss them some weed,
which they used at the bars for dick-snares. I was the only one who didn't conceal my
hatred for these windblocks.

One day Smerle, the heftiest of the mules, decided to raid an underwear drawer and take
quite a bit of something that didn't belong to her. That was THE STRAW.

Gary (Leasee of the apartment) asked his friends to aid him in removing the belongings
of the offending parties to the parking lot. We gladly obliged.

That evening, while we were heavily involved in a game of "Ultimate Mortal Kombat" the
phone rings...

...it turns out that "Micky Gillis", what ever the fuck her name was, tells Gary that
they have moved into a very nice duplex, and would like to invite all of us to the
house warming party. Gary hits the pause button and says, "Those bitches are getting
such an upper-decker." He continues to play.

I thought to myself for awhile, and then gave in to curiosity, "What's an
upper-decker?"

Gary says, "Do you want to do it?"

So, after some discussion, I agree to deliver the upper-decker at the house warming
party.

7:00 P.M.

We arrive at the Flabbersons' party.

7:10 P.M.

Threaten the geek on the keg to fill my ridiculously over-sized mug.

7:30 P.M.

Check out the positions of the two restrooms.

7:35 P.M.

Decide on the living room location and polish off the gigantic beer.

7:45 P.M.

Walk into the restroom, push in the thumb-bolt on the door. Check to see that the
toilet is securely fastened to the floor. Wiggle the tank, check for wobble.

7:47 P.M.

Standing steadily on the closed lid, I drop trou, and steady myself on the tank.
Quickly, I release the bag of Crystals' cheese burgers and chilly-cheese fries in the
tank.

7:50 P.M.

Wipe, throw it in the trash (don't want to flush!), replace the cover. Wash hands.

7:52 P.M.

Walk back into the populated area and give Gary the sign (double-fingered-point, like
Isaac the Bartender from "The Love Boat").

-- Txscatlbear

46 Comments on "The Upper Decker"

G Ras's picture
l 100+ points

Excellent.... practical joke of the finest caliber. Although I've never wittnessed this is action, I can only imagine what a horrific stench this would create.
I hate fat pig bitches, you did the right thing!!!

Perhaps I am an asshole and so much time has pass you probably won't even read this .... but in my defense.... this site is all about funny stuff that happens to us about shit in the course of everyday living.... and may I say in my story I too got shit

Blow torch bitch's picture

Like you guys are the first to ever think of poopin' in the top of a toilet tank? Creative? More like moronic.

Wayne's picture

cute story, i once tried it and forgot to wiggle the tank first,guess what happened next!

jack's picture

i've never been on the receiving end of this practical joke. what are the effects (besides a soiled tank)?

Ass's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This story was week, very dissapointed, i could barely understand what the fuck was going on, and pooping in the tank of a toilet, is the oldest trick in the book

fred's picture

i like to eat my poo

jersey's picture

utterly disgusting but funny.i would love to do this to my ex mother in law.

POOOP's picture

WHY DID U DO THAT ITS MEEN HOW WOUD U LIKE IT IF HEDID TAHT TO U HAHAHA

thomas's picture

You just don't know how to plug up a toilet the proper way.Start by going to your garden supply store and buying one 3 ounce package of Soil Moist,these crystals hold 800 times there weight in water,pour entire package into toilet tank and leave,about 30 minutes later the entire water tank with have transformed in a jelly of small crystals,try flushing this mess,also pour some into the toilet bowl,very hard to see until your poop is lying on top of it!

Victoria's picture

Thats kinda gross and kewl all at the same time...but it must suck to be the person it happens to!! Man someone needs to sew your ass SHUT! haha but seriously you should look into it! did you ever wonder what would happen in you did?? it would like just all build up and you would explode w/ shit hahah! wow you goota try that ~*C-YA*~

Eagleman's picture

After reading this stuff, Im gonna pull an upper decker on my ex-wife..she'll blame her husband for it.WTF?

hobo's picture

Could someone explain exactly what the result of an upper decker is? Does it go away fast? Does it stink worse as time goes on?

the hippy's picture

dude, that kicked ass. and that soil moist idea, PURE GENIUS!!!! i got into the school one time during a basketball game and poured it in the bowl... they dont have tops, but i got a stick with me and pushed it down. i dont usualy go to the bathroom at school, but they had it fenced off untill the last day and had "a bounty on my head". dude, i wish i could have tooken the credit, but the lousy scumbags at my school would sell me out in a heart beat.

Crap Shoot's picture

This is FUCKING HALARIOUS!!

DirtyBomber's picture

This is a sweet prank, but I have heard it reffered to as the upper-tanker not the upper decker. the upper decker is when you hang your ass over the railing when on the balcony on the top floor of a hotel, and unload a dirty bomb on the pool area

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Make it even worse. Coat the toilet seat with crazy glue just before someone comes in to use it. Or seran wrap the bowl so no one can see it and let the poo fly.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

tnick's picture

that was cool man. next time shit in the sink.

The Excrementer's picture

A classic! I once did it at a Disney hotel in Orlando. The Mouse had to clean it.

MIB's picture

I love this trick. I have a few marks I would like to do this to. Even better, get some plastic feces and tape some money to it. Check back after a week and if the money is missing and the turd is still there then someone was in need of some cash.

nameless's picture

crap the urinal.

mad pooper's picture

I like to stretch plastic sandwich wrap over the bowl.

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

At a hotel is not right. The peeon who had to clean it up didn't ask for it.

This sort of thing should be resserved for those who specifically deserve some misery.

Happy crapping! (_o_)

floyd the barber's picture

I have been performing upper-deckers since the mid 90's. UD's should be reserved for the most despicable of all bastards: ex-girlfriends/wives, mother-in-laws, bosses, college/high school faculty lounges yield the best results. Oh and if you can manage a little hershey squirts in the tank---priceless.

Anonymous Coward (yes)'s picture

love the upper decker idea. planning an attack on the local mall but i need to be a little dirtier than this. help.

What's that?'s picture

I have been dispensing the Upper Decker, down under (Australia) for about six months now. When my mate and I first delivered the Upper Decker, we thought we had come up with an original prank, but we are glad to see this is a artform practiced world-wide.

Trud Ferguson's picture

Not to top the upper Decker or anything but, I like the upper decker with a twist. First you disconnect the chain from the handle.Then take the upper decker. That way some body has to put their hand into the tank to reconnect the chain.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

There are so many ideas much better than the upper decker to extract revenge. Rarely does the upper decker affect the person directly who your rage is directed at. The perfect solution guaranteed to hit the intended taget is this.

Take a small box similar in sized to a camera box, remove 2 of the 4 slats from each end, liquicrap in 2 sandwich size zippered glad bags, using clear duct tape seal all the edges of the glad bag to prevent premature leakage. Open the box and tape your first bag in place in either the top or bottom of the box, fill remainder of the box with shipping peanuts or paper, place the second bag in and tape box closed. Mail or courier to intended target with labelling indicating Private and Confidential. The target will use a knife or other implement to split the seem, while opening the contents will spill out, voila. I've seen this happen to our shipper from guys in our shop using printers ink, nasty but very effective.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I should mention, in NO WAY do I advocate Turd Terrorism, but after reading so many stories of people committing it I offer this as a method to get the target, not the poor innocent who has to clean up someones filth. There are so many more effective ways to vent your rage than this.

The Flying Dumperoo's picture

upper deckers are the sweetness...not so much because of the brown swirly rendered by all subsequent flushes, but the grim savage pleasure you take in knowing someone must remove a slab of your effluent from that tank

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

To the innocent victims: Try using a wet dry vac to evacuate the tank, refilling with fresh water and add cholorine tablets and your tidy bowl is none-the worse for the wear.

To the guilty complainers: What a bunch of pansies you are. If you're angry over an upper decker perpetuated on your tank, ask yourself what might have provoked that kind of prank? Are you a troggie bastard of bitchy ass-swipe? If so, they you should have expected some type of retribution.

It's a simple output input equation.

keeping the whack in tally-ho...
Fartuituos!
Serenshittipy!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

While not advocating this behavior myself, I do wonder about the rest of the story; there should be an ending describing what happened during/after their deed was discovered.

An upper-decker is gross, to be sure, but won't cause permanent damage (will it?).


_______
"You polished up my low-flow, and I dirtied up your bowl!"

S'hit La Vie's picture

To all of you self-righteous, thine shit does not smell types, ask yourself this - if we stop turd terrorism, have not the turds then won?

Mull it over...on the crapper

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

ummm.....no.
_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

Officer Sticks Murphy's picture

I remember my room-mate pissed me off. The next day I went to work and asked my boss how to get back at him. My roomate and me were working for the same place. MY BOSS TOLD ME TO GIVE HIM AN UPPER DECKER!!!! I ASKED WHAT IT WAS AND I STARTED TO CRACK UP. I NEW I WAS GONNA GET BACK AT THE MOTHER FUCKER, I WENT HOME, LIFTED THE LID OF HIS TAKE AND LEFT HTE BIGGEST FUCKEN BROWN PRESENT TO MAN-KING. HE COME HOME AND GO'S INTO HIS ROOM WHICH HAS MASTER BATH. hE TAKES A LEAK AND FLUSHES AND SHITWATER FLOATS UP. I WAS IN BED AND SEEN HIM WaALK INTO MY JOHN TO GET A PLUNGER. hIS PHONE RINGS AND ITS HIS FIANCE, HE THOGHT IT WAS HER. THE NEXT DAY AT WORK I ASKED HIM HOW HE LIKED THE UPPER DECK AND TOLD MY BOSS THAT I DID IT. UPPER DECKERS ARE A GOOD WAY TO GET BACK AT ANY COK-SUCKERS THAT FUCK WITH YOU. SHIT I THINK I WILL GO DO ONE NOW,
PEACE OFFICER STICKS MURPHY LAPD

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

That is the ultimate pratical joke. TSV had some good ideas in her post. Another one is to remove the nuts that hold the toilet seat, then out the crazy glue on the seat. The person walking around with a toilet seat glued to their ass, will surely be the life of the party.
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Captain Colon's picture

I love to shit, period! When ever I need to shit (not a home) I always do an upper decker if the toilet has a tank. If not I will shit in the sink then place towel over it. For maximum visual impact I like to eat cheese, corn & mixed nuts. For aroma that you can taste, hard boiled eggs sure hit the spot! My job as public image consultant requires that I travel 10 months out of the year so this helps break up the boredom. It is great to see so many people that love scat as much as I. Awesome website!!! Coming to your town soon,
Captain Colon

stiener xxx's picture

It was my friends birthday and we had a nice irish pub planned for dinner.
On entering a bouncer grabbed me as I was walking past quite violently and said I had to hold the bag and couldn't wear it - I told him he could have just TOLD me that and he said some shit about he was talking to someone and just noticed me.
ANYWAY - this was it, I have read and laughed about the upper decker so many times... it was now MY turn!!!
While we were waiting for dinner I slipped to the restrooms to urinate, and to determine the style of toilet - AHA the standard 2 button water saver with removable lid!! - I tested the lid to be sure and left quickly.
I had a nice beef meal and a beer and excused myself from the table....
I locked the door and removed the lid for the tank and bombs away!!!
I wiped but put the paper in the bowl, I know there are other methods but it was a busy night and I had to get out of there! I fastened the tank for the next poor fellow to flush and departed the scene, I smiled and thanked the staff for a wonderful dinner and left, but a part of me didn't leave, and wont for many flushes to come.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Congratulations. Instead of standing up to the bouncer like a man, you instead caused some trouble for a working class stiff just like you who has to clean that toilet.

You pussy.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Sorry, but an upper-decker is nothing more than cowardly turd terrorism, and unsanitary to boot. Stop it!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

As an occasional turd terrorist, it would be an act of gross hypocrisy for me to berate those who perform the upper decker. It's not something I have personally done, but I've been tempted several times.

However, there are differences between deliberate turd terrorism with an innocent victim cleaning up the mess, an act of personal revenge against an indiovidual whom you know will have to personally deal with it, and incidental turd terrorism involving accidentally or erroneously leaving a toilet in an unsanitary condtion and running away in a cowardly manner. Maybe I'm trying to justify my actions, I don't know, but I'm certainly guilty of the latter.

I'm with Daphne on this one though. Bouncers are arseholes at the best of times (and I speak as an occasional 'door security operative' myself) and that bouncer did not personally pay for being a twat. The cleaner or some other minimum-wage flunkey had to deal with it, so how was this revenge? The man is a bloody fool.

Turd terrorism towards someone who has earned it and has to deal with it personally, well that's shite of a different colour, so to speak. For example, some years ago, a work colleague invited all of us to his house-warming party. He and I didn't really get on very well, but as it was a house in the middle of nowhere, I asked him in advance if it was OK to sleep on his floor and also bring a friend. "No problem" was his attitude. "The more the merrier!".

Getting there was a problem as neither me or my pal had a car, but the couple I lived with did, and remembering his words, I said that they could come too, provided that they brought booze along to contribute. We all made it there and had a good time until about 3am when the party was winding down and people were crashing out. As our driver had been drinking also, and believing that crashing out in the corner until morning was going to be OK, we were dismayed to find that the guy was refusing to let us sleep on his floor. His reason, it seemed, was that I'd brought two people I hadn't given him prior warning over (a well behaved married couple, who'd brought generous amounts of booze, I might add) and therefore none of us could sleep on his floor or anywhere in his house. The fact that we had nowhere else to go other than the car was not his problem, and despite there being plenty of room for us, he took sadistic pleasure in turfing us all out in the cold (it was fucking January), knowing that 4 of us had to sleep in a tiny fucking Fiat Uno on his driveway.

At work on Monday, I told him what I thought of his hospitality, but his attitude was basically "Tough shit", and the other guys we worked with couldn't believe what an arsehole he'd been. Revenge being a dish best served cold, it was two months before I got my own back. He would often come to work in his wellington boots and change into his shoes when he got there, leaving his muddy boots outside the door of the car park. One lunchtime when there was nobody else around, I took one of those wellies and found a lovely fresh dog turd on the football field nearby. With a plastic bag I picked up the foul wet shit and inserted it carefully into the toe-end of his boot, before taking it back to the door and leaving it where I found it. Just after 5 that day, he left the office and I sat at my desk, waiting for the reaction. I didn't have to wait long, as we heard him shouting and swearing. We all got up to investigate the commotion and there was Dave, hopping on one leg, trying to remove his sock which was liberally caked with dogshit. Glorious! I tried to supress my laughter, but most of us that saw it found it so funny that we all stood there pissing ourselves. He accused us all collectively of being responsible, and me individually, but we all angrily told him not to be so fucking stupid and it must have been a prank from a passing schoolkid (loads of 'em walked past our office every day as it was on the road to a school). I like to think that he knew it was me but couldn't prove it, but I don't think it was coincidence that after that incident he never spoke to me again unless he absolutely had to.

Anonymous Coward's picture

You upper decker poopers leak shit from your ears.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Well done, ES!
Some people just deserve it!
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I don't normally condone TT but Scummy, boy was that funny!
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

upper decker's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ah, my namesake. Sometimes it just takes an eye for an eye and a poop for a poop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

A poop for a poop only makes the world stink.

Gandhi.......sorta.....


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

Yo, for real, something's wrong with you man... you need to take up a hobby. I hope you get caught one day and your job as a public image consultant (how ironic) goes down the shitter because of it. Pun intended.

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