The Upper Decker
I was living in a small cul-de-sac of apartments, in a non-descript southern coastal
state. My neighbors were comprised of several burly Coast Guard guys. Their roommates
were a couple of corn-fed hogs that hated everything we did, except toss them some weed,
which they used at the bars for dick-snares. I was the only one who didn't conceal my
hatred for these windblocks.
One day Smerle, the heftiest of the mules, decided to raid an underwear drawer and take
quite a bit of something that didn't belong to her. That was THE STRAW.
Gary (Leasee of the apartment) asked his friends to aid him in removing the belongings
of the offending parties to the parking lot. We gladly obliged.
That evening, while we were heavily involved in a game of "Ultimate Mortal Kombat" the
...it turns out that "Micky Gillis", what ever the fuck her name was, tells Gary that
they have moved into a very nice duplex, and would like to invite all of us to the
house warming party. Gary hits the pause button and says, "Those bitches are getting
such an upper-decker." He continues to play.
I thought to myself for awhile, and then gave in to curiosity, "What's an
Gary says, "Do you want to do it?"
So, after some discussion, I agree to deliver the upper-decker at the house warming
We arrive at the Flabbersons' party.
Threaten the geek on the keg to fill my ridiculously over-sized mug.
Check out the positions of the two restrooms.
Decide on the living room location and polish off the gigantic beer.
Walk into the restroom, push in the thumb-bolt on the door. Check to see that the
toilet is securely fastened to the floor. Wiggle the tank, check for wobble.
Standing steadily on the closed lid, I drop trou, and steady myself on the tank.
Quickly, I release the bag of Crystals' cheese burgers and chilly-cheese fries in the
Wipe, throw it in the trash (don't want to flush!), replace the cover. Wash hands.
Walk back into the populated area and give Gary the sign (double-fingered-point, like
Isaac the Bartender from "The Love Boat").