Anybody have any funny poop jokes?

I know a good site for poop jokes.....

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Did you just fart?

I do know a few good cigar jokes.

There's a cartoon floating around involving an eskimo standing in his igloo.
He has a 2 foot turd sticking straight out of his ass and his wife is saying "I told you to take the hammer with you."
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I like the Eskimo comment, which reminded me of the question, "Who were the first people to have ICBM's? Answer: The Eskimos, of course."

ok it's stupid but it's all I got.
Why did piglet look in the toilet?
He wanted to see pooh.
*que rolling eyes*

A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says "Alright, you have a choice, you can pick one of two eternal torture rooms".

The guy demands to see the rooms first and the devil agrees to show him. In the first room there are billions of screaming people, soaked in their own viscera, being hacked to pieces slowly by maggots brandishing little hacksaws.

In the second room there are billions of people standing neck deep in diarrhea, drinking tea. The guy says "This is not so bad! I'll take this room!" and the devil sends him in to spend the rest of his days.

Just as he gets into the diarrhea and is about to sip his tea, there is a P.A. announcement: "Okay! Break time's over..back to your handstands!"

I know this one's been around forever but here goes:

A man walks into a bar. He's gotta shit really bad. He tries to ask the bartender where the bathroom is but there's a line 4 deep at the bar. He sees a set of stairs and decides there must be a toilet up on the next floor. When he gets upstairs he looks around but finds no toilet. Desperate to drop a deuce, he finds a hole in the floor and decides this will suffice. He does his deed, pulls up his trousers and heads back downstairs for a drink or two. When he gets downstairs he finds the bar is empty and the bartender is hiding behind a column shaking and shocked. "What happened, where did everyone go?".
The bartender says: "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Short of poop jokes today. I'm pregnant and have the flu, and I'm in a REALLY bad mood after being CONSTIPATED with cramps. If you want to read some great poop jokes, head to the forums and cruise "Joke Thread", or worse "Politically Incorrect Jokes". Not all poop, but funny just the same.

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Born right the first time.

Here's one I posted on that joke thread.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Except for the dead guy doing hand stands in shit "joke", ya'll made me laugh and laugh and laugh. I need to laugh RIGHT NOW because I have been crying all day as I just buried my beautiful grandfather.

Sorry for your loss, SP. Visit the forum, there's quite alot of funny stuff, if you care to have a look.

Here's some stupid ones...

Whaddaya call Vincent Furnier with diarrhea?
Alice Pooper

Whaddaya call Clark Kent with diarrhea?
Poop-erman!

Whaddaya call Rick James with diarrhea?
Pooperfreak, pooperfreak... she's pooperfreak-ing out...

Whaddaya call Cordoza Broadus with diarrhea?
Poop Dogg

SP, that sucks. Take Bilge's advice and go read some jokes in the forums. I know they always brighten me up when I'm down or something like this happened. When my dad died, it was the only humor I had for a long time.

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Born right the first time.

SP, My mom's sister, my Aunt Liz died back in December. She had a great sense of humor.
Her dad, my grandpa is a retired plumber. This joke was the first thing I saw on the 'net after my mom told me of my aunt's passing.
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The priest was late getting to the cemetary for a graveside service. He got stuck in traffic and ran over a board with a nail, causing a flat tire.
By the time he finally arrived, the family was gone, and they had lowered the lid onto the crypt. The only people in the area were 3 men sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The priest climbed out of his car and gave the best graveside blessing he could. When he finished, he turned and blessed the men under the tree. He then got back into his car and drove away.
The men sat in awe for a few minutes. At which time, the plumber turned to his assistants and said "I've put in a lot of septic tanks, but this is a first for me..."

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I could hear my aunt giggling when I read that joke, and I knew things would be all right.
Mental Hugs, SP. We all hope that Grandpa Pretty's passing was quick and painless.

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

With credit to the website bathroomjokes.com......

"A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite."

When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"

The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone."

The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!"

So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.

The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."

The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.

After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.

After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

SP, a smile can cure a thousand ills

*The Baroness sneeks into the room and gives SP a hug*

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Did you just fart?

An old joke, but here goes...
A bloke is out driving in the countryside one weekend, and he stops for a pee. While he is peeing against a tree, he notices that there is a lot of cow shit in the field.
He thinks to himself 'that would make great fertilizer for my garden' so he opens the trunk and pulls out a potato sack, and starts filling it.
Little does he realise that the field borders on a lunatic asylum, and one of the inmates has wandered over to the fence.
The looney says 'Duuuh.. hey there, fella, whats that you got in that there bag'?
The bloke says 'Cow shit'.
The looney says 'what are you gonna do with a bag of cow shit'?
The bloke says 'I'm going to take it home and put it on my strawberries'
The looney says 'Har har har. You oughta come in here. We get ice cream on ours'.

Why do people say they are "taking a shit" when they are leaving it behind them?? attributed to George Carlin.
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

RC13, I believe that was from a monologue from the George Carlin album "An Evening with Wally Londo Featuring Bill Slaszo" titled "Bodily Functions". The monologue continued... "Hey, I'm taking a shit!"."Don't take one of mine!".

Thanks, John!

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit "Do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit shakes out one last pebble of poop and replies "No, I don't Bear.... Why?"
"That's great!" yells the bear.
He grabs the rabbit by the ears, reaches between his legs and WIPE!!!!!

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

If you take a shit, please put it back.- oldest and lamest joke about poop

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Born right the first time.

I think I heard the "bear and rabbit" joke on Eddie Murphy's album "Delirious"... although in this version, after the rabbit said that he had no problems with 'shit-stickage', the bear just wiped his ass with the rabbit without saying anything.

Back to George Carlin... on his album "Parental Advisory:Explicit Lyrics" he talks about his dog's shitting in a monologue titled "I Love My Dog". "Isn't it fun when your dog eats some coloured balloons and when he takes a shit, it's real decorative-like? Or sometimes at Christmas, he eats some tinsel and takes a SHINY-SHIT! 'WOW! Look Mom, can we put it on the tree?' Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures."

Another Eddie Murphy shit reference...

In his concert film "Raw", after he does the bit about Bill Cosby chastising him for being dirty, he talks about when he first started doing stand-up, he patterned himself on Richard Pryor, and he did this monologue on taking a shit as Richard Pryor might have done it. I think you can find it on YouTube... just enter "Eddie Murphy Richard Pryor" in the search area.