The Appreciation Of Poop Humor

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What are favorite jokes about poop and pooping? Here's mine:

Two drunks stagger about in the woods and suddenly come up behind a man with his pants down. He is pooping. One drunk says to the other, "I'll hit him over the head, and you grab the cigar."

31 Comments on "The Appreciation Of Poop Humor"

doniker's picture
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Anybody have any funny poop jokes?

baron von crapalot's picture
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I know a good site for poop jokes.....

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Did you just fart?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I do know a few good cigar jokes.

Logjam

RoboCrap13's picture
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There's a cartoon floating around involving an eskimo standing in his igloo.
He has a 2 foot turd sticking straight out of his ass and his wife is saying "I told you to take the hammer with you."
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

MSG's picture
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I like the Eskimo comment, which reminded me of the question, "Who were the first people to have ICBM's? Answer: The Eskimos, of course."

pnuttycorn's picture
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ok it's stupid but it's all I got.
Why did piglet look in the toilet?
He wanted to see pooh.
*que rolling eyes*

Anonymous Coward's picture
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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says "Alright, you have a choice, you can pick one of two eternal torture rooms".

The guy demands to see the rooms first and the devil agrees to show him. In the first room there are billions of screaming people, soaked in their own viscera, being hacked to pieces slowly by maggots brandishing little hacksaws.

In the second room there are billions of people standing neck deep in diarrhea, drinking tea. The guy says "This is not so bad! I'll take this room!" and the devil sends him in to spend the rest of his days.

Just as he gets into the diarrhea and is about to sip his tea, there is a P.A. announcement: "Okay! Break time's over..back to your handstands!"

shitwit's picture
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I know this one's been around forever but here goes:

A man walks into a bar. He's gotta shit really bad. He tries to ask the bartender where the bathroom is but there's a line 4 deep at the bar. He sees a set of stairs and decides there must be a toilet up on the next floor. When he gets upstairs he looks around but finds no toilet. Desperate to drop a deuce, he finds a hole in the floor and decides this will suffice. He does his deed, pulls up his trousers and heads back downstairs for a drink or two. When he gets downstairs he finds the bar is empty and the bartender is hiding behind a column shaking and shocked. "What happened, where did everyone go?".
The bartender says: "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Short of poop jokes today. I'm pregnant and have the flu, and I'm in a REALLY bad mood after being CONSTIPATED with cramps. If you want to read some great poop jokes, head to the forums and cruise "Joke Thread", or worse "Politically Incorrect Jokes". Not all poop, but funny just the same.

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Here's one I posted on that joke thread.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

sittingpretty's picture
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Except for the dead guy doing hand stands in shit "joke", ya'll made me laugh and laugh and laugh. I need to laugh RIGHT NOW because I have been crying all day as I just buried my beautiful grandfather.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
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Sorry for your loss, SP. Visit the forum, there's quite alot of funny stuff, if you care to have a look.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

John Poo-Shack's picture
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Here's some stupid ones...

Whaddaya call Vincent Furnier with diarrhea?
Alice Pooper

Whaddaya call Clark Kent with diarrhea?
Poop-erman!

Whaddaya call Rick James with diarrhea?
Pooperfreak, pooperfreak... she's pooperfreak-ing out...

Whaddaya call Cordoza Broadus with diarrhea?
Poop Dogg

The Shit Volcano's picture
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SP, that sucks. Take Bilge's advice and go read some jokes in the forums. I know they always brighten me up when I'm down or something like this happened. When my dad died, it was the only humor I had for a long time.

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

RoboCrap13's picture
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SP, My mom's sister, my Aunt Liz died back in December. She had a great sense of humor.
Her dad, my grandpa is a retired plumber. This joke was the first thing I saw on the 'net after my mom told me of my aunt's passing.
==================

The priest was late getting to the cemetary for a graveside service. He got stuck in traffic and ran over a board with a nail, causing a flat tire.
By the time he finally arrived, the family was gone, and they had lowered the lid onto the crypt. The only people in the area were 3 men sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The priest climbed out of his car and gave the best graveside blessing he could. When he finished, he turned and blessed the men under the tree. He then got back into his car and drove away.
The men sat in awe for a few minutes. At which time, the plumber turned to his assistants and said "I've put in a lot of septic tanks, but this is a first for me..."

==================
I could hear my aunt giggling when I read that joke, and I knew things would be all right.
Mental Hugs, SP. We all hope that Grandpa Pretty's passing was quick and painless.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

daphne's picture
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With credit to the website bathroomjokes.com......

"A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite."

When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"

The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone."

The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!"

So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.

The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."

The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.

After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.

After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

baron von crapalot's picture
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SP, a smile can cure a thousand ills

*The Baroness sneeks into the room and gives SP a hug*

_______
Did you just fart?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

Blind Mullet's picture
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An old joke, but here goes...
A bloke is out driving in the countryside one weekend, and he stops for a pee. While he is peeing against a tree, he notices that there is a lot of cow shit in the field.
He thinks to himself 'that would make great fertilizer for my garden' so he opens the trunk and pulls out a potato sack, and starts filling it.
Little does he realise that the field borders on a lunatic asylum, and one of the inmates has wandered over to the fence.
The looney says 'Duuuh.. hey there, fella, whats that you got in that there bag'?
The bloke says 'Cow shit'.
The looney says 'what are you gonna do with a bag of cow shit'?
The bloke says 'I'm going to take it home and put it on my strawberries'
The looney says 'Har har har. You oughta come in here. We get ice cream on ours'.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

RoboCrap13's picture
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Why do people say they are "taking a shit" when they are leaving it behind them?? attributed to George Carlin.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

John Poo-Shack's picture
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RC13, I believe that was from a monologue from the George Carlin album "An Evening with Wally Londo Featuring Bill Slaszo" titled "Bodily Functions". The monologue continued... "Hey, I'm taking a shit!"."Don't take one of mine!".

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Thanks, John!

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit "Do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit shakes out one last pebble of poop and replies "No, I don't Bear.... Why?"
"That's great!" yells the bear.
He grabs the rabbit by the ears, reaches between his legs and WIPE!!!!!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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If you take a shit, please put it back.- oldest and lamest joke about poop

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

John Poo-Shack's picture
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I think I heard the "bear and rabbit" joke on Eddie Murphy's album "Delirious"... although in this version, after the rabbit said that he had no problems with 'shit-stickage', the bear just wiped his ass with the rabbit without saying anything.

Back to George Carlin... on his album "Parental Advisory:Explicit Lyrics" he talks about his dog's shitting in a monologue titled "I Love My Dog". "Isn't it fun when your dog eats some coloured balloons and when he takes a shit, it's real decorative-like? Or sometimes at Christmas, he eats some tinsel and takes a SHINY-SHIT! 'WOW! Look Mom, can we put it on the tree?' Well, it is considered good luck in some cultures."

John Poo-Shack's picture
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Another Eddie Murphy shit reference...

In his concert film "Raw", after he does the bit about Bill Cosby chastising him for being dirty, he talks about when he first started doing stand-up, he patterned himself on Richard Pryor, and he did this monologue on taking a shit as Richard Pryor might have done it. I think you can find it on YouTube... just enter "Eddie Murphy Richard Pryor" in the search area.

 kernal korn's picture
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As a septic tank installer I am very proud to say that when my job is done,I have sent one more turd to it's final destination.Thank you

Z Poop's picture
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Wow... no "poop jokes" come to mind. I can think of a few sex jokes though. Ex: "Jack and Jill went up the hill to teach him what he taght her. Silly Jill forgot the pill and came down with a daughter." When I first saw this I just found it so funny...

Anonymous Coward's picture
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John, you spend way too much time watching tv. get out and enjoy life while you have it

ipoopMarshmallows's picture
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Salad Shooter.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Hey MSG, I heard yours this way.
A fat man on a train could not make it to the toilet so he stuck his ass out the window of his sleeper car. Two hobos walking down the track looked up and one said to the other you slap his cheek and I'll grab the cigar. Must be 50 years ago or more when I heard that one.

the thin brown line's picture
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the left buttcheek says to the right buttcheek "if we stick together, we can stop this shit"

_____
Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!