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Bricking A Shit

Posted 04.29.2008 by Blind Mullet (578)
Sydney's suburbia was a very different place in the early sixties. There were not many cars, there was very little street crime, and most people walked from place to place. Traffic lights were a rare sight, and street lighting in general was reserved for the main roads. The shops all closed at six o'clock. Saturday was half-day trading and just about the only things open on a Sunday morning were the fruit shop and the paper shop. Evenings were peaceful and quiet; and after dinner, most families would gather around the black and white TV set to watch one of four channels offering American sitcoms or English dramas.

But much like America and England, there was also the undercurrent of restless youth, gathering here and there in small groups, looking for "excitement". That excitement was usually channeled into legitimate outlets like organized sports at the local Police Boys Club (a community facility) or into the thrill of anything deemed "illegal" or "dangerous," like nicking a pack of cigarettes while the shopkeeper's back was turned.

Innocent times, but with a code of honor, if you will. Unfortunately there was also the unsavory type who would turn up uninvited, brag about some petty crime he'd committed, and generally want to hang out with your group. One such cretin had been annoying a couple of local lads, and they hatched a plan to get the message across that he was not welcome. The idea was to lure the creep to a dark place, like a cellar, and give him a short, sharp shock that would not injure him but would guarantee that he didn't come back.

The device was an ordinary house brick with a bunger (M80 firecracker) laid in the hollow part and a large turd laid over the top. The turd was troweled, sort of like icing on a cake, leaving only the wick exposed. The device was secreted into a hiding spot in the far corner of the empty-keg cellar at the local pub. Nice and dark, and only one exit. Hee, hee.

Sure enough, the bonehead turns up later that night, talking crap and generally being obnoxious. The local lads are careful not to let on what's in store for him as they casually mention that they have been thinking up some mischief, but they need a third man for the "operation". They tell him that they need to sneak into the empty-keg cellar at the local, after closing time, and that they'll explain the rest of the plan there.

Everything goes to plan, with the idiot thinking that they're going to knock off a keg of beer or something along those lines. The three of them slip silently into the darkness of the cellar. Once inside, their eyes adjust to the tiny amount of moonlight coming through the ventilation bricks. Whispering in the shadows, the local lads build up the tension and tell him that their plan is daring and dangerous, but it can't work without him, etc., etc. By now the drongo is quivering in anticipation and can't wait to do whatever it is that they've got planned.

So as they all have a preparatory ciggie, one goes to the cellar door and the other pulls out The Device. They tell the dickhead to "hang on to this." And what with the musty dankness of the stale beer and the cigarette smoke (and the crust that's formed on the top), he has no idea what this heavy brick-thing that he's holding in front of him is. All it takes is a "Shit! What was that?" to distract him while the fuse is lit, and the locals are gone.

The moment after the explosion, they open the door to see how it went, and the stench is incredible. By the light of a couple of matches they can see the moron still standing there in shock, brick in his outstretched hands, his chest and face spattered with a million shit-bits. Behind him, the wall has a silhouette of his head, a bit like an Aboriginal cave painting where they put their hand on the wall and spit paint on it. Except this is with shit.

Mission accomplished. He got the message.

Thunderbox (1379) -- 04.29.2008

You could have a good idea there for some conceptual art, BM. Line up a row of folk in an art gallery, light the fuses and run - instant mural. Vary the colour and consistency of the turds for a more interesting composition. It`ll make your fortune.

RoboCrap13 (442) -- 04.29.2008

I could hear the 'Looney Tunes' theme "Merrily We Roll Along" playing in the background as they ran away leaving him the brick.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

DungDaddy (1460) -- 04.29.2008

Yeah, nice story, but...

Was that BULLSHIT you put on the brick?

Gaseous Glay (141) -- 04.29.2008

I don't see how he could have been still holding the brick. An M80 packs quite a wallop; certainly enough to make him drop it not to mention maybe blowing off part of his hand. Don't try this at home kids unless you want to be known as Nine Fingers.

daphne (4406) -- 04.29.2008

That's Nine Fingers Brown.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin (3908) -- 04.29.2008

Deaf, stinky nine fingers brown.

We did many pranks to kids that could have gotten them seriously hurt or worse and this story could have been a chapter out of my own misguided childhood. Excellent story Blind Mullet. I believe you guys actually invented the "shaped charge" that is widely used in demolition today.

Blind Mullet (578) -- 04.29.2008

...I'm only relaying the story as it was told to me, many years ago. I was only a little kid in the '60s.
Butt I think the physics of it holds up alright, in that a 5 pound brick would shield the fingers and provide enough inertia to ensure that the blast was confined to a 180 degree radius in both horizontal and vertical planes.
I don't know how closely a bunger compares to an M80, butt I think they are pretty similar.

The Thunderous ... (741) -- 04.29.2008

Ummmm wouldnt that be lethal if a brick exploded. I think its a funny story but isnt that kind of dangerous too?
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

The Shit Volcano (3817) -- 04.30.2008

I had to read this story just for the title. Even if the prank was dangerous and ran the risk of blowing the kid's hand off, or worse, literally blinding him with shit, the picture of this poor Aussie punk standing in shock next to his shit portrait had me laughing.

_______
Born right the first time.

shitwit (609) -- 04.30.2008

Good story BM! I'm glad he didn't lose his fingers or his eyesight. Maybe he did lose his attitude. Keep these stories come from Down Under!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

RoboCrap13 (442) -- 08.02.2008

Isn't an M-80 a quarter stick of dynamite?
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

prarie doggin (3908) -- 08.02.2008

I believe an M-80 is one eighth of a stick of dynamite. It can still blow off your fingers, or blow a huge hole in the side of your uncles pool. (if you just happened to throw one in to scare your brother and it landed next to the side and caused the pool to drain instantly and your brother to almost be sucked out a large jagged hole).

ChiefThunderbutt (2794) -- 08.04.2008

Good story Mullet........My next-door neighbors, when I was growing up, sold fireworks. I ran around with their kids so had a ready supply of fireworks for the appropriate holidays.

M-80's were popular but not quite so much as the noble "cherry bomb". I recall placing one of these jewels in the square mailbox of the neighborhood grouch one Halloween. After the explosion the box was no longer square but was round and had no door.

Never blew-up any shit. I wish we had thought of it.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

phuchuebuddy (6) -- 09.15.2008

It's like those shadows at Hiroshima or Nagasaki. That's hysterical.

baron von crapalot (649) -- 09.16.2008


CTB, you never blew-up shit?

Over here, in the UK, it's a sport, halloween comes around, and there is shit everywhere.......

Actually, now I think about it, who needs halloween? there's always shit everywhere, there's even a McDon'tGoes at the bottom of my street!

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

ChiefThunderbutt (2794) -- 09.16.2008

BVC.......I never blew-up shit as a youth but I have flung my share of it.. The turd of choice for tossing was the horse turd that was still gooey in the center but sufficiently dried on the surface to allow a good grip without doing undue collateral damage to the hand of the flinger. A properly flung turd made a beautiful green design on the forehead of your foe in an all-out turd war.

Another fun thing I did as a youth; I would catch one of those big brown beetles that flies around at night, drop it inside the back of my sisters blouse and then smash it. Her screams were a thing of joy.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

baron von crapalot (649) -- 09.19.2008


Chief, now that is just cruel.

Poor beetle.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

prarie doggin (3908) -- 09.19.2008

I never blew up shit, but I did blow a hole in the side of my uncles swimming pool, and the shit really flew after that.

baron von crapalot (649) -- 09.20.2008


I did warn you about those burritos.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

Poop is Fun (25) -- 02.08.2009

wow, the poop splattered all over his face. it must have been a nightmare LOL!

Mrs. Mad Crapper (1124) -- 04.29.2009

I tried to blow up a dead toad once. But I accidentally set my hand on fire.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

spattacus (206) -- 04.29.2009

When we were kids the local farmers fields were liberally covered in huge piles of sloppy cow-plop that were just waiting for a 4d (fourpenny) cannon to blast them to all points of the compass - they had a damn good range!
A friend once stuck one (firecracker) in a large dogpoo on the sidewalk, lit it and ran. A local stray mutt came around the corner and was about to sniff the IED and my pal chased it off and got spattered when it went off.

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