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 Fun With FlatulencePosted 04.13.2006 by SamDamnit (1191)
Back in the early nineties, I met a guy who used to light his farts for fun. I don't mean that he would get drunk and do it on a dare -- I mean this guy would stand up, turn off the lights, and whip out his lighter whenever he felt a fart coming on. And he was really good at it. (Though not as good as this guy.) He was addicted to the pyrotechnics of fart lighting. His wife complained of having to re-stitch the seams of his pants on a regular basis because they were so frayed from the flames.
Having witnessed his act a number of times, I started to wonder about how this energy could be harnessed. I thought about an article I had read about cow flatulence contributing to global warming.
I imagined all kinds of contraptions that could be mounted on cows to capture their gas and save us from impending doom. I came up with two ideas: we could cut down on the gas being released in to the atmosphere, or we could use the captured gas to supplement our natural gas reserves. Despite all my brainstorming, I never really nailed down the logistics of such an endeavor. Of course, that did not keep me from expounding on the idea at parties and such. As I grew older and more gassy, various girlfriends have commented on the potential of harnessing the energy of my own farts. The thought of it always led me to think of practical onsite applications for my flatulence. Of course, they were all pretty silly:
In fact, all of my ideas were either silly or untenable. I was thinking too big. I should have focused on what I knew best: toys. But it's too late now. Someone has already patented the idea of a fart toy. That someone is Michael F. Zanakis, who actually filed for the patent on a fart rocket back in 1998. I don't really understand the description, but it sounds cool. A toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly whose missile is composed of a soft head and a tail extending there from formed by a piston. The piston is telescoped into the barrel of a launcher having a closed end on which is mounted an electrically-activated igniter, the air space between the end of the piston and the closed end of the barrel defining a combustion chamber. Joined to the barrel and communicating with the chamber therein is a gas intake tube having a normally-closed inlet valve. To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The igniter is then activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the missile into space. Zanakis says that his fart rocket could be launched in to space. I am going to assume that he does not mean "outer space" -- that would make it more than a toy. It would also probably entail the tapping of the Three Tenors' colons. Nonetheless, I think it is a great idea. I do have one problem with the patent application, though. Under "Background of Invention," he says the following: 2. Status of Prior Art I would argue that the "science of flatology" and the serious discussion of its social implications can be traced back to one of our founding fathers: "Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the happier, or even the easier, for any Knowledge they have pick'd out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowels! The Knowledge of Newton's mutual Attraction of the Particles of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is rack'd by their mutual Repulsion, and the cruel Distensions it occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newtonian Prism into seven Colours, can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels?" Outside of that one little issue, I am enthused by this idea for a toy. Although perhaps I have one more minor reservation. It stems from a memory I have of setting off those water-powered pump rockets when I was a kid. I remember being amazed as I watched the rocket shoot into the air at incredible speed; but I also remember being soaked by the rocket fuel as I stared up in wonder.
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