We were all sitting on the bench, talking like we normally do after each hockey game. It was a playoff game, which we had lost, so we were discussing next season. The conversation somehow shifted over to defecation.
"I'm a pretty Shameful Shitter myself," I said. "I really only shit at home." And everybody chuckled.
"I can shit on the hood of a car in front of a nun if I had to," said Jim. "Doesn't take much for me."
Jim is a rather colorful character. And Jim is his real name because, honestly, I really could care less if he reads this. We all had known Jim for a fairly long time. In knowing Jim, we had learned a great deal about him, including his affinity for hookers, alcohol, and cocaine. All of which would eventually catch up with him, sending him to do a stint in prison.
Jim is one of the greatest storytellers I have ever known. If you got hit with a ruler when you were in school, Jim watched an inmate get sodomized with a hairbrush in jail. If you knew someone who got killed in a car accident, Jim knew someone who got their throat cut with a soup can lid. We liked to call him the "one-upper." No matter what story you had, Jim could always one up you.
So we were talking about defecatory procedures when Jim broke into a story about the local zoo where he did some work while locked up. Anyone who's from New Jersey will know of the place. It's called the Popcorn Park Zoo. Located in Whiting, the zoo is home to a few strange animals. It's more a retirement home for animals then a zoo. They have one-legged ducks, three-legged dogs, and elephants with no ears. Stuff like that. If you ever want to scare your kids, bring them there and tell them you're going to leave them there next time they get a "C" on their report card.
Jim was stationed at the zoo for a few weeks on a work release program. "I'd rather look at the three-legged dog trying to fuck the earless cat then sit in my cell all day." And I couldn't really blame him. Jim broke into a story about the monkey cage.
"They were making us rebuild the monkey cages. There were about five or six monkeys total in between the three cages they had. All of the monkeys were temporarily being housed in one cage, and they weren't real happy about it. During the course of the day, they would throw rotten food at us, spit at us, even try to steal our tools if we left them too close to the bars.
"One of the guys I was working with had an apple and threw it at the monkeys. It missed, but the monkeys saw it happen nonetheless. We all laughed as the moneys screamed. Then he took a banana and again winged it over the fence at the monkeys. This time, it hit a monkey right in the face. They went INSANE, screaming and shaking the bars. We all laughed even harder this time.
"The guard came over and told us to 'get the fuck back to work, you bunch of degenerates, or I'll kill every last motha fucka out here.'" So we did just that.
"A few hours later, that same guy was back fucking with the monkeys. 'Don't fuck with the monkeys bro... Leave them alone.'
"'Ahh, who cares, how many chances will I have to fuck with monkeys?'
"'Whatever, man. You shouldn't mess with them.'
"He began to shake his ass at the monkey and make monkey sounds. 'Ooohh ahhh!' he screamed, pounding his chest like King Kong. Even the guards thought this was funny.
"All the monkeys again began to scream, except the one large monkey. The large monkey just watched. As this retard turned around to shake his ass again at the monkey, the large monkey made his move. He ran up to the cage, reached under his ass, shit in his hand, and smashed his foul monkey shit right into the face of this jerkoff. He grabbed his shirt and held him there and literally pounded the shit into his face. The guy couldn't even scream because his mouth was filled with fresh monkey shit. Eventually, he wrangled himself free after the monkey tore his shirt off.
"'What the fuck!! Fucken monkey!!!' We all laughed our balls off, even the guards.
"One of the monkey's trainers then came out. 'You've been bothering them all day. You don't think they remember that? You're lucky he didn't rip your arm off. Julius is a sweet monkey, you must really be an asshole.'"
We all sat there in quiet amazement as Jim finished his story. I guess even monkeys can only take so much shit.
