I'll be the first to say it: I, too, doubt the veracity of more than one of the claims in this story. Particularly the tampon remark. But sometimes well-crafted prose trumps overindulgence in poetic license.

true or not, why would any sane person WANT to eat that concoction (and a book of match heads??) and have bad gas?

To me, eating should be a pleasurable experience, especially now that I am on a low fat diet and don't get to eat alot of junk.

And why would anyone want to be the stinky slob at work? Do you enjoy being disliked?

Again, real or not I find this behaviour immature and foolish.

So you started fake story week on a Thursday? This never even approached reality.

I look at it this way. If William F. Buckley wrote a poop report, it would sound like this.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Well, as doniker and CEP point out: this tale may have the horrendous stench of fakeness surrounding it, but it`s damn funny.

My first reaction is "Why?" Why do this? It was funny, though.

"...crying like a dog passing kidney stones..."

I'm going to use that phrase at work at the next opportunity!

this is bull shit.

eating matches? try 1/2 gal ham-n-bean soup,12 pack of bud, 1 large milkshake. it works, my wife kicked me out of the house for a day and a half.

Can someone tell me WHY, in the name of all that's poopish, someone would eat matches????

_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

FF, maybe to add more sulphur to that ghastly concoction?

Well crafted prose does nothing for a story without a punchline. It was just a build up to nothing..... Next.....

Doniker, FF: don't try to analyze this story logically - your head will explode. My guess is, it's intended to be a fun-to-read elaboration of a payback fantasy. As a revenge plot it left a little to be desired: it seems to me the perpetrator suffered far more than the intended victims.

this story is TRUE... i hate my job and all of the people there. i will do ANYTHING to get a day off. i am also quite insane as myspace will show you. www.myspace.com/dolmance31

i have witnesses to my horrors and more stories too!!!

sorry about the punchline, but the truth seldom awards us one. read patrick f mcmanus for your funny prose....i write the truth.
veraciously yours, Dolmance31

FYI -- though he neglected to log in, the above comment is indeed the author.

So, author: you really put a tampon in your butt?

Man, I don't know where to go from here...I guess your question is as good as any, Dave.

You call your dump Billiard Ball Blues.I think that's what Mick Jagger sings when he's constipated.It could also be a new Stephen Bochko TV show.

I don't know....I just can't see how anybody could seriously (or want to) sit down and spend 2 hours consuming "one large head of boiled cabbage, three containers of rehydrated onions, fifteen pickled and boiled egg whites, one bulb of sautéed garlic (on the cabbage), one can of sauerkraut, one book of match heads and a four-pack of Steel Reserve 211 malt liquor."

Now if their was a few pounds of corned beef and/or a juicy pork roast in the mix your menu could be tolerable......

Hmmmm.... this one leaves me speechless. OK, it was a bit amusing... and I'd love to drop a stink bomb on a few people I work with too... but who shoves a tampon up one's ass, honestly?

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I was gonna say, if you keep that shit up, youll lose your job!! That is what sucks even if you hate your job!!

_______
(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

Well, I can cite three people who have claimed to shove tampons up their asses and have had some pride in doing so. Firstly there was the enigmatic Double Flush, who looks as if he's left the site for good, we shall not miss him or his tiny penis which he shared with a few of us, next up would be Rob Gwisdala's buddy Matt Grubb, while Matt was a lifelong user of tampons in the ass it seemed that Gwisdala was just his go to man. To top it off we had a female poster a few days back with pinworms, vaginitis and a urinary tract infection that also saw this as acceptable behaviour. So as odd as this may sound it's probably not too out of the ordinary.

I'm still stuck on the amount of punishment dolmance inflicted on himself over a bad work situation. I'm with shitwit, here: I love the toxic stinkbomb idea, but the prep work seems a bit...extreme. Maybe it's time to look for a new job.

Make no mistake, this story is BS! Nobody could eat that amount of crap and even if they could, how the hell does a tampon stop a fart??? Maybe if he shoved a canister of activated charcoal from a WW2 gas mask filter up his ass...............

Maybe the tampon... um... filters the fart? Like a charcoal odor-absorber on a cat box?

Who is William F. Buckley?

Well, I have a bad habit of eating foodstuffs specifically aimed to produce flatulence; for instance, I will admit to having eaten one-half jar (approx. 2 cups) of sauerkraut, one-half jar (approx. 1 cup) of German red cabbage, several bowls of white chili (5 varieties of beans), and some sauteed broccoli and brussels sprouts (luckily this was available in the fridge), which produced the expected results. Also, the I Love To Fart Cookbook includes a recipe for "Cannon Fodder" which I have made and eaten, with intent to fart, numerous times. However, I would never put something in my anus -- like the far-right lane of the expressway when approaching a ramp, that is Exit Only. Also, eating match heads is, at best, unnecessary, due to the existence of cauliflower, beans, etc. Real or fake? Don't know, don't care, but I have better ways to accomplish the desired result without the aforementioned billiard ball.

I like his literary style too bad you need boots for the huge piles of bullshit. I mean come on a book of matches? I had beans with brown rice tonite thats enough for my ass cannon to get going! This guy is not the real deal. Good writing though.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

My word, the comments here are funnier than the story itself.

I also can't get past the eating matches bit and that he stuck a tampon up his butt, or that he would even claim to do so. What's wrong with the world today?

DungDaddy: William F. Buckley is the former editor of the "National Review," and an extremely erudite, Ivy League-educated, political columnist and writer. He formerly hosted a program on PBS in which he sat back in his easy chair and, with tongue flicking the air like a snake in search of its prey, interviewed both friends and enemies with a command of the English language that was both awe-inspiring and pretentious.

Sorry if that sentence runs on, but so did William F. Buckley.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Great description of Buckley, Wiper. You've captured his essence ("tongue flicking the air...") with a paucity of verbiage that Buckley would probably have thought niggardly.

Sounds like a weenie. Thanks.

_______
I am a proud sodomite!!!

the tampon was to stop the sharts!!!! damn....you guys are not extreme enough in your pursuit of the holy grail of fart gas....the pallid concoctions i have thus read stand in meek submission to the burning, ghastly, gut wrenching stenches that i can create!!!
i shall do something much worse this weekend!!!
i am researching on how to create mercaptan and indole within my intestines...these stenches, with the added sulphur, from @ books of match heads, should be devastating!!!

i am headed to the store soon:)

i may need an adult diaper for this one.

Combine this story with the fake fart contest and it may approach slightly believable.

My special combo is spinach salad with lots of wishbone italian(other dressings work too, I can't remember which!)followed with barbecued hot italian sausage, extra greasy. Add some well buttered bread to taste. Long grain& wild rice, uncle bens, bell pepper, onions, dousing everything in tabasco chipotle and peppercorns.

Wait half an hour, maybe the full hour, and smoke a cigarette.

The result is uh, kind of like pissing out of your ass. No, really, it's dropping a bomb. This might require multiple flushes. Somehow the spinach does not get completely digestd and shows up with the floaters in the form of green dots.

Just when you thought it was done, a few minutes later you will repeat the same. I guess it can't be marketed as 30 minute diareeha crap your soul out diet.

Though it tastes great and you know exactly how your body processes it!

_______
Every shits been a beer shit, since my baby left me /blues.

I can believe he did it. Sometimes you have a job you hate soo much, you'll do anything to get out of it.
But man..I just hope you don't write those guys in as references. Heck with the diaper, you may need a colostomy bag.

Wow honestly I thought what a load of crap......until I actually looked at the myspace page he has a link to up there. Seriously there is something scary about this guy just look at his picture and read his bio. I no longer think it is a stretch for him to have done this (including eating a book of matches). This guy really is insane......help me I'm scared.

It's nice to see that someone else inserts tampons into their arse - i have been doing it for about two years now and I love it. I also have a serious problem with farting and "leaking" out of my bum and tampons really take care of the problem; the absorbancy of these little cotton wonders really does the trick. PLUS.... I have found it feels really good - the "full" feeling in my rectum is great and over the last year or so i have been trying to insert ever more inside my bum - I am up to 8 now and going for an even dozen. It feels amazing!

God forgive me for asking, but do you mean all lined up?
--->--->--->--->--->

Or do you mean in a bunch?
^^^^^
|||||

I must say that his myspace blog is hilarious. I just got done reading some of it and found myself laughing.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I call bullshit on the matches, but it did make for a good laugh. Try a nice big bag of Burger King onion rings next time - you'll kill your dog with that 3 alarm gas explosion. It might even cinge a few nose hairs. Maybe you'll find a new use for your tampons.
_______
Home of the 1 point meal

I have to say that first off, no one can possibly stomach cabbage and malt liquor in the same meal. If this were a story about painful vomiting I would believe it, but theres just no way you could keep that down.

Ham and Pintos over Johnny Cake (Cornbread sweetened with honey in the batter. Dee-Lish!)
I nearly killed the rest of the Low Brass in HS band class with this.
Nowadays, just hand me a large order of B.K. onion rings and some ranch dressing. And don't let me roll the windows up on the way home.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

211 really does give you horrible gas. I once spent the night at my brother in law's house in Portland. Due to the convenience of a liquor store across the street, for dinner I had about 15 slim jims along with 2 24 oz. 211's. On my way back to Oakland, CA my gut suddenly dropped and I had to use every muscle in my ass to keep from letting out the most explosive shart the world had ever seen. Desperately searching for an exit off the freeway, I spotted a McDonald's. I screached into the parking lot, jumped out of my car, and ran into the bathroom. To my disdain, the only stall was occupied. I grabbed the door, shook it, and yelled "noooooooooooooooooooo!" I ran across the hall, ladies occupied also. With my last ounce of strength, I clenched my ass cheeks together and ran back into the men's room. With my options running thin, I dropped my drawers and let out the most explosive shit all over the urinal and wall. And oddly enough, it was exactly like the billiard ball shit explained in the story above. One rock hard ball of shit followed by pounds and pounds of gooey mashed potato goodness. Needless to say, the patron in the stall ran out the door giving me a panicked look on his way. All I could do was yell "Sorry!" as this was about the worst smelling shit I had ever mustered up. The look on the man's face often crosses my mind.

I just about shit my pants laughing at this.... this is totally something I would do to my fellow employees (not quite as extreme).

I've eating 2 chopped then fried onions, and large quantities of garlic just to piss off my wife before.. hehe

Real or not.. this was some funny shit.

i believe you, and believe in you unreservadly. i give this storey 8.5 and applaud your innovation and scientific experimentation in the field of how to advance the most diabolical gas and poo. i was unclear on your motivation, but as i say, these things should always be attempted, and im glad that there are pioneers out there who are man enough to take the plunge fearlessly
_______
my bum is on the rail

There are days I like to stink up a storm, guacamole chips usually does the trick.

that was the most epic story of defication and flatulence i think i have ever heard in my life.
i congradulate you in your new found level of shitting.

I'm inclined to take notice of my Radio Shack Bullshit Detector. Its beeping its head off, and I don't think its false-alarming this time.
Butt isn't it funny how, reading the posts, different things make different people fart.
I've noticed that onion slices cooked on the barbie cause me to have hot, rich, high-volume farts every time.
A bloke I used to work with got the same result from licorice (he could fart in the back of a moving milk-delivery truck which was open on all sides, and still assault my nostrils on the other side of the truck. Awesome).