YES, I'M SO GLAD TO KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FUCKS UP PERFECTLY GOOD SONGS JUST FOR KICKS!!! My girlfriend hates it when I turn her favorite songs into poop songs or sex songs, but it's what gets me thru the day.

I, too, use the courtesy flush in public. It's usually an effort to save others from the coma of the aroma.

You go girl. Keep on posting. Welcome to PR!

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Nice song, scat - you should record it and play it in the work toilet at full bore when you go. It won`t hide the stench, but would drown out any explosive backfiring.

I often create new songs in the shower, and love yours.

But don't be ashamed of your poop! Be PROUD of it!!! You get secret crazy person points for every poop scenario:

You get 1 point for:
- Every person who walks into a public restroom and does their business as usual.
- Every person who normally walks by your (home) potty to see if it's open.

You get 10 points for:
- Every person who walks in and coughs at the smell, or walks by the home bathroom and coughs at the smell.
- Every little kid who mentions the smell to their caregiver.

You get 20 points for:
- Every ADULT who mentions the smell.
- Every little kid that passes out.
- Every child who mentions the noise.

You get 30 points for:
- Every ADULT who mentions the noise your making.
- Any little person who passes out.

You get 50 points for:
- Every adult that mentions the smell and has to leave the bathroom.

You get 100 points for:
- Every adult who passes out due to the smell.

You get 200 points for:
- Every person who can still smell your shit upon entering the bathroom 5 minutes later.

See? Pooping is fun! :D

why flush the kids as they fall into the pool if the smell of your turds are fantastic ?

I cut other users no slack. If they cannot stand the stench of my deposit, to bad. Courtesy flushes are a waste of a precious resource, water.

I was raised with an outhouse rather than an indoor bathroom and you can't flush an outhouse. Take pride in your stench scatatonic, it can be used as a semi-lethal weapon. Nice story.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I'm not familiar with the song I Kissed a Girl. This song made me think of the song that goes: it's only rock and roll but I like it. I also agree with Chief forget the courtesy flush. If it stinks bad enough then noone will come in there and see you shitting anyway.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

I usually stage a successful poo coup when I use a public toilet. The infidels are usually sent running for the exits amid my chemical and artillery assaults.

How many points do you get when someone dies when they hit the head while you're laying waste to the porcelain god?

If it's a demodex, 300 points.

If it's someone you don't like, 1000 points.

If you planned it, 10,000 points.

If it's someone cool, -50 points.

Well hell, I've done wracked up some serious points then.

I protect the demodex since it doesn't crap in my eye. It is a good little tenant. I can not say the same thing for the lice and fleas that dwell in my crotch and beard.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

So you don't really have freckles then do ya chief? Your creepy crotch critters must be going from you ass to sack to beard spreading shit all over. That's a shitty situation.

Someone must care for these unloved little creatures and give them a home. My massive ass is a virtual condominium.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I prefer points for brazenness. 1 point for pooping by yourself in a public restroom; 2 points for pooping at the same time as an unknown person who is also pooping; 3 points for pooping at the same time as someone you know who is also pooping; 4 points for pooping at the same time as someone you know who is just peeing; 5 points for a conversation about pooping with someone else in the restroom. I've racked up a lot of points according to this system over the years. I actually got a nice 2 points last night at a store when a young fellow and I entered the two stalls and I did the GFP (grunt, fart, plops). Couldn't hear much except a soft splash from his side, but I know he heard me. A pleasant companionable experience.

Wow talk about prophetic. I had never even heard of the song "I kissed a girl". Last night I was at a wedding reception and it was played. Nobody had a clue why I was chuckling like a pervert.

I got heard pooping at the hospital on Thursday. It was a brappy poop. The only man in the group heard it, I know. I hear everyone else's peeing noise.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

VH1 AND MTV will be calling soon.

So I am in the middle of my second work poop in the last 30 minutes. Decided to eat the Quizno's 5 meat sub, and now my second reserve stall is paying the price. I didn't feel my "office" deserved to be destroyed by my violent shits anymore than my Polo jeans did, so I went to my second choice. Plus, my "office" was taken. If you didn't know any better, it sounded like I had set off a flash bang grenade in the bathroom, just minus the flash and add smell. So I guess it was a shit bang bomb. It's times like these that make me reconsider the idea of whether or not eating is worth the trouble. Sometimes I wish I was the king of solid turds. That'd be nice.

Thanks for the support, daphne! I was a little nervous posting my first story. :-)

Hey prarie doggin, I think it's hilarious that you heard that song at a wedding and remembered my story! You could've sang along using the altered lyrics if there was a microphone around, hehe.

Coach, if MTV or VH1 called, could you imagine the video I could make for that song? Maybe I could even win a Video Music Award! This is sounding good...

Yeah, the things I remember. Ask me to bring home a loaf of bread though and you'll starve.

What I wanna know PD, is what the hell kinda wedding dod you go to that they played "I Kissed a Girl"? And ya know, I was really disappointed when I found out she really DIDN'T kiss a girl! Why write a song about something that isn't true? "I Shit at Work" is such a better song.

You are most welcome. It's my job. Hug bunnies, drink wine, moderate shit. Literally.

Somewhere in there is "comfort Bilge's toilet paper".

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Lbk, it was my daughters best friend's wedding. Mostly young'uns.

LBK's "shit bang" bomb just reminded me. Just before christmas I was at a hospital clinic with my wife when I got "the call". The toilet was a large room equipt with handicrapper aides and as I pushed it went BANG. There had been a hubbub of voices in the waiting area outside - and it went deadly quiet for about 5 seconds. I waited a while and then walked out as if nothing had happened. A while later I altered my profile to Enlightened Shamefulness.

I haven't decided yet if it is worth to launch shit bang bombs in an area like a doctors clinic or restaurant where the bathroom is within earshot of the lobby or eating customers, or at a friends small house or apartment where the bathroom is right by the living room or kitchen where veryone is congregated, and you're not quite comfortable with shitting around your friends. Maybe this should be an ask poop report question.

It wasn't intentional, the fart was hiding in the middle of the mud! God, it echoed. If the room had been smaller I might have got away with it. My only hope was the high turnover as they take the patients to their various doctors areas.

I poop at work all day sometimes. I uually forget to spray fresh scent. I think about the ozone so I don't spray until I smell it. If I smell it then it is a bad one.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

SP, not to pry but, I was kinda wondering what kind of job you have where you are allowed to poop all day? Do you work in a toilet test lab?

Some kind of government job, maybe?

Maybe she has a job that allows her to sit on the toilet all day with a blackberry that's set up to do all her regular computer work processes. Of course, this also makes it really easy to sneak onto poop report. I don't see a boss knocking on the stall door going "dammit SP get off poop report and turn your reports in! Here's you action items!"

I never do a courtsey flush to spare someone else's nose. Only reason I do one is when I "Dump a load", It is a BIG load, and I don't want to stop the toilet up!

I don't give a crap who knows when I shit, or how much it smells! If they have a problem with it, too bad. I dumped my problem and left!!!!!!!!

Scatatonic, keep up the good pooping.

I admire your penchant for parody, scatatonic.

Can I suggest a great listen for all of you fellow poo parody fans....

Check out the Bob Rivers Show's website, which has a vault of Totaly Twisted Tunes.

Go to letter 'O' to find The Old Man (is on the Commode). Outstanding!

Also recommended is the classic BlowFly, "Shittin' off the Dock of the Bay"

Enjoy!
-Hervé

*sigh*
I miss being able to curl one off in the old-fashioned way.
Now, with my modified system i.e. colostomy, all I can produce is a fairly decent silent stench as I change the bag.
Unfortunately, the gut system still produces gas, and seeing as how the stoma does not have any means of controlling the output, farts are uncontrollable, too.
So far I haven't been too embarrassed by rogue farts in polite company, but its bound to happen sooner or later.

Enjoy your ability to poop, people! Make noise! Make comments! Practise the 'Ooooh, Yeeaahhhh!!!' of The Macho Man, Randy Savage! Congratulate yourself loudly for a job well done!

Mr. Mullet, I gotta tell ya, you are a MAN.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

He also has a 1/4 inch thick, diamond plate steel, home made, wood fired barbie. My voice has gone up several octaves in his presence.

I certainly hope I never have to poop thru a tube into a bag. Of course, I bet it does make life a little easier and can add quite a comic effect into any conversation. "Ok asshole, I'm tired of your shit we're getting a divorce!!!" "Speaking of shit, I just dropped a load, why don't you dump my bag before ya leave, thanks. "

I don't know Leaky, if you asked your wife to clean out your bag before you kicked her out, she might have this response for you: "Why, certainly, I'll clean it out, Dear." When she came back a few hours later with you wondering what the hell took her so long, she would say, "Well, I baked you a cake and used your bag as a cake decorating device. Your shit is the icing. How's that for cleaning it out? See ya!"

well for starters, I love her to death, but if I ever caught the love of my life in the kitchen doing something other than rooting around in the fridge looking for leftovers, I'd pass out. I do all the cooking in the house. And if she made a cake, I probably wouldn't be able to tell if she put shit in it or not. Like I said, I love her, but the cooking gene isn't one she inherited.

Im always worried about the shoes! Shameful shitters unite!!
PDB

shameful shitters looooooooooool i gotta admit i was at work today and had terribble gas for over 12 hours. i needed to shit but thoughtt i would wait until i got home. i kept visiting the toilet all day to get rid of my gas, and the last time i went to fart, a loud sound came from ma ass accompanied by a little shit that splatted in the toilet. it had a horrendous smell. i sharted and i loved it. took about 10 paper towels (the ones you dry your hands with) to clean my ass. :D

wish this site would keep me logged in, i dont feel like hittin log in every time i want to post a comment. lol..

anyway, just wanted to comment, it sounds like sitting pretty is a caterpillar supervisor.

Bloody, I only get logged out on the front page when I clear board or internet cookies.

Are you deleting board cookies every time you close your internet browser? You may have your Internet Options set to delete cookies when you close the window. Check.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

My crackberry keeps me logged in till I delete all my cookies and reset my phone.

My dingleberry keeps me logged in till I delete all my cookies and reset this piece of shit.

I have pooped at work numerous times in my life; it never bothered me to do so, and I had some nice ones while others were there to hear me. Now I work at a high school, where I use the same bathroom as the male students. My poop time usually comes early, before they arrive; but I have had a couple of occasions to be seated while a student was in the neighboring stall. On one occasion the kid must have been squatting or hovering because, after he obviously heard one of my plunks, he dropped a huge one that sent a splash of water onto the floor.

Sir Stinktube, I had the same problem until I ate all my cookies.

poop songs are fun.

i barely ever delete my cookies, but ill try this again. the other 3 forums im on run vb and i always auto-login on them. hope it works this time...

back on topic, i used to make up some NASTY songs. maybe we need a new thread about that? i cant think of any of mine right now, that was about 15-20 years ago.. hehe... if i do remember, ill be sure to post them tho...

piece of advise... never break a sweat while at work, and never take a shit when your at home

I am very comfortable with pooping at work. The place I work now, has a unisex, single seater in the employee lounge. Fortunately, they either saw me coming there or there are others I work with who do some really stinky poops (men and women); because there is always a can of air freshener standing by in there for use, and you can tell that it is used several times a day, myself included. I have no problem pooping at work. That is the time when I feel that I can poop with no stress. I am almost never able to poop at home before I leave for work. I am proud to say, that I am a shameless workplace pooper.

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In search of the ever evasive BM

I hate pooping at work. Especially when I have a supervisor with me for the day.

When this happens, I actually do have a supervisor with me recording everything I do throughout the day.

I've always wondered how they record taking a dump on their time sheet.

I believe it counts as overtime, paid at the rate of time and a turd...

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Poopreport.com and El Scumbag jointly and unreservedly apologise for the unacceptable age and corniness of this gag. Compensation has been declined by the plaintiff although a suitable donation has been made to the Old Howlers Rest Home for Retired Jokes.

Great one Scat. That tune and the lyrics are now stuck in my head !

One of the highlights of my day involves taking a huge vegan dump in the Administrator's bathroom.

I had two bowel movements at work one day earlier this week. I think I was fighting some low-grade illness, because in all I pooped 6 times that day, the last two (at home) very loose; but the two at work were mostly normal, once before first period and the other after fourth period (= lunchtime), so no one else was in the restroom with me. Too bad.

PD,in answer to your question in January, a dialysis clinic. Plenty of times i have to hold it until i am finished with a patient. But yeah i go as often as i need and work my buttless butt off too.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I usually poop at work I'm a shameless shitter, I love the fact tha the toilet is next to the very small office where my manager is, I go in spend as long as I like and always 'forget' to spray airfreshner then when people walk past and comment on the smell I'm proud to say 'that's mine' I also fart alot which smells but I have no problem admitting its. I work with special needs kids and if I fart in public or around high level management I blame the kids. Easy. I have never been a shameful shitter and since getting ibs I have loads more loads to discuss lol I went from one or two a week to five or six a day.

Nice job, Tanya ass, blaming your stinkies on poor innoscent special needs kids. You should be ashamed of yourself!
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Yeah right tanya, that is really low.

(Damn, why didn't I ever think of that)

Lol it takes years of training to get that low, we have handover meetings in a tiny office literally the size of two toilet cubicles, eight or none staff crammed in and spilling out into corridor, I once farted right in the middle o the pack, I trie to hold it but couldn't, but of course as soon as I did it I got the giggles and as soon as I smelled it (it was FOUL) I couldn't stop laughing so I couldn't blamebit on anyone, they all knew it wa me.
I once went on holiday with my mother in law and we were in a lift, she farted really loud with a pop pop pop sound, which started her and me laughing, but the more she laughed the more she farted it ended up with us nearly laid on floor crying with laughter when our respective husbands found us, I swear it went ha fart ha fart ha fart ha fart for about ten min, best hol ever

Lol. Tanya ass, I gotta say that is all some funny stuff. You gotta register, girlfriend. I feel poopreporter naturale in you, gurl.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

You are a good teacher, PD, however, that one poopped, popped, out of me on its own.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I work outside and have to use portable out house's. You have'nt lived till you have had to to pull up the lid and see what the last person had last nite for super laying in the soft blue water below afew feet away from your face when you open the lid. hell your still going to sit and enjoy the end result...ahhhhh ya that works for me. Take care ..

I also enjoy--on those rare occasions when I use a porta-potty--seeing the leavings of my predecessors, especially if they have left nice big healthy poops.