YOu spread some strangers poop around the floor of a museum's bathroom? I hereby declare you to be a turd terrorist, and banish you to Guano-tanamo bay!
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

That printable sign prank is halarious.

_______
I poop therefore i am.

Wow, I think i would feel totally "exposed" pooping on the side of a mexican highway.

Imagine a car full of Soccer Moms returning from the mall in a min-van driving past:

"so anyway, I heard Shirley was kicked out of the country club for....

HEY. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT LOOKS LIKE A DRUNK COLLEGE KID POOPING ON THE SHOULDER BACKWARDS WHILE TRYING TO GIVE US THE FINGER"

American Home Videos anyone? Or possibly, "EXTREME VIDEO, PORNO VERSION"

I hope that is not your idea of a porno, Shawn.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Poo-per-ee, aside from your "nor'easter" being a mere cold front (that's what we call them in Texas), this was an entertaining tale.

And Shawn St. James, the road between Brownsville and South Padre is not a Mexican highway. 100% of it is within the US borders, and as such, it is an American highway.
_______
Yes, those are my brown spots. Yes, those are your walls.

I give this story three turds out of five.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

So that's why they call it Brownsville. Always wondered about that. Also, how does one discriminate between "molten nickel-cadmium alloy" and, say "hot liquid habanero shits"?
Signed,
Curious in Cacaland

Mr. turdgutson, what did you do with the other two turds?

I wasn't crazy about the concept of kicking the tp around the bathroom, but that's mostly because I wouldn't want that stuff on my shoe. Considering that parvo virus (from dogs) can be transferred by the bottom of your shoe into your own home to infect your own dogs up to 6 weeks after it has dried out, I fear to wonder what you might have brought into your own home. If your friend Dave had gotten sick, who else who had pooped at that museum might have gotten sick also, thus wiping their butt with the stuff that you Pele'd? Otherwise, it sounds like you partied hard enough for the rest of us. Good show. And nice imagery.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Great idea going on a 70 minute drive after 8 hours of drinking and doing drugs, asshole.

Hey man, cool it, the dude was just tellin a story. Maybe he was in his Grateful Dead phaze, man, you know, trying to capture that feeling. What a long strange trip it was.

LMAO, C Everett!! You're absolutely right - I totally overlooked that aspect of the story. I suspect poo-per-ee's cognitive abilities were far more dangerous at that point than the turd terrorism they were committing was.

And I agree. Driving while drunk and stoned = total asshole.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

In my own defense...
A careful scrutiny of my story would reveal that I used the "third person" when talking about the driver.
Hence, if drunk/stoned driving is the sole criterion for declaring me an asshole....

However, if you think drunk driving is bad... check this.... In the Navy, I was a nuclear technician aboard the USS Enterprise . When we'd fire up the reactors after a port visit, myself, as well as many others on the watch team would be blind drunk!
-- Now that's REALLY being an asshole! Placing a US Naval vessel in peril of Nuclear Incineration makes drunk driving look almost like the paragon of responsibility

Anybody ever seen that stretch of I-80 between Wendover Nevada and Tooele Utah? I once consumed four pounds of Tapatio impregnated beans, pork, and rice washed down with about a gallon of Dos Equis, slept four hours in Elko and then headed east on a motor bike. Just across the Utah border, I was hit by shits that made nuclear incineration look nice.

That's pooping in the open. By the time I hit civilization, I lost track of how many times I crapped on the shoulder and had wiped on everything I owned at least twice.

Good story,man. I feel your pain.

You're right, poo-per-ee......that makes you an even BIGGER asshole.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Poo-Per_ee is a navy man? Who would have guessed?
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

I think I've figured out where the "Ugly American" thing comes from. Guess the rest of the world's got no sense of humor. Poor David's roadside doody dropping reminds me of a story my cousin swore was true. A trucker stopped at a rest area pull off, got out of the rig, unzipped and started to whiz. A cop pulled up, evidently unknown to the pisser, and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!? The poor pisser was so startled he spun around and the cop became the pissee. I'd like to have seen that.

Dear Coward.

I believe that story, because a similar thing happened to me. I think I posted it some where in the forums.

The ugly American stereotype comes from the fat, self centered, nitwits that tour other countries. It also comes from our foriegn policies. I found the "pooping on the road" part highly amusing. Kicking poop around a museum floor, is not so funny.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Hi Anomolous,
Since our vulgar behaviour was committed on American soil - I don't think the moniker "Ugly American" quite fits.

--- But even if we did misbehave in Mexico, our misbehaviour paled in comparrison to the slaughter of 200,000 Iraqi civilians - I'd say "W" takes the cake in the "Ugly American" Department.

... And talking about my aircraft carrier... A friend of mine worked in the shop that pressurized the breathing-air cannisters that pilots use when they fly over a certain altitude. He said the sailors used to fart into the intake of the compressor so the pilots would have the joy of breathing in their farts.

-Don't feel too sorry for the pilots. As a breed, they are quite arrogant and obnoxious.

Poo-per-ee, guys like you are the reason that guys like me call you "TED" or typical enlisted dude. You could never do an officer's job because you aren't smart enough or motivated enough. Only a scumbag would disrespect his commander in chief or any officer. I bet you smoke and drive a primer gray Camaro too. Oh to hell with it, you aren't worth it.

Poo,
I have to question your taste in beaches, especially after you being in the NAVY, South Padre is nothing to write about. I'm sad to say alot of the Texas beaches get all the gunk that comes from the Mississippi (I think that's spelled right). As far as driving drunk in Texas, I'm also sad to say the statistics are not in our favor. I do wish you would have run into one of our lovely State Troopers during your stay. Maybe next time.

C Everett, you hit the nail on the head. poo-per-ee sounds like a first-rate TED asshole who likely got himself a 'psyche' discharge and is now residing on his parents' sofa...at 38 years of age.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

The real ugly Americans are those who feel that disrespecting their country in deference to inferior nations somehow places them - the disrespectors - above the rest of their countrymen.

turd turdgutson and C Everett Poop, I must say I take exception to your use of the phrase "Typical Enlisted Dude". Granted you were addressing me - but still, merely using that phrase is a disparagement to ALL of our enlisted men/women currently serving. And this is not the point in America's history when any civilian should disrespect the enlisted men and women fighting for our country.
Personaly, I have great contempt for Bush and our other "leaders" who have sent 2,600 of our "typical enlisted dudes" off to die in a pointless quagmire. But I would never disrespect our troops in the manner you have.

And since you seem to enjoy military shitting stories so much, here's another:
Some years ago, I was talking to a sailor who had served on a Tin Can during the Vietnam era.
He was a Gunners Mate assigned to one of the "big" guns. The ship would frequently go to GQ for hours at a time. And one of the first things that gets secured (closed) during GQ are the heads (toilets).
In each turret, the most junior sailor had to sacrifice his helmet to be the communal commode. His helmet was placed in the corner alongside a roll of toilet paper.

And your point is...?
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Spoken like a true Pootriot! Enlisted men speak up, let us hear more tales of "onedumpmanshit" on officers!

P.S. Now I know why C.E.P. has been so concerned about weapons of mass destruction, he's been breathing poison gass for years.

This isn't onedumpmanshit but it's another navy-poop story.

In our division, we had someone with even less class than myself! Added to that, he was semi-retarded.
One time, right after pay day, he was standing in a long line to shop at the ships store when he had to take a dump.
Most of us would just leave the line, take care of business, and then return.
But not him. What he did was "set battle dress" on his pants. (*Note - setting battle dress is what everyone does during GQ - it involves buttoning up collar and sleeves and tucking ones pants in your socks.... this is done to reduce your exposure to nerve agents)
So anyway, not only does he "blouse" his pants and crap himself, he then had the gall to work his way up the line, asking everyone if he could cut in front of them since he had just shit himself!
And to add the icing... when he got back to berthing, he stripped down and just tossed his shit covered underwear right into the laundry bin without even an attempt to shake out the shit!

When we were in Germany, a neighbor who lived in front of us so to speak (in the apartment complex) used to brag about taking fifths of Hennessey into the tank during firing training exercized and firing the tanks blind drunk.

I felt totally obligated to send an anonymous note into the company. The concept that someone, no, 4 someones were in a tank shitfaced on Hennessey and whatever and firing at targets that could have ended up being other tanks due to their shitfacedness made me pale.

Sometimes, I really hate the Army.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Don't hate the Army - hate TEDs like poo-per-ee, who have no appreciation or concept of the potentially dangerous fallout caused by their negligent behavior, nor any remorse about it, as evidenced in poo-per-ee's gleeful recountings of his shameful exploits.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

I don't understand why some people hate the troops SO much.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

We don't hate the troops, well most of us. My brother is in the military surving in Iraq. He would tell me some of the things him and his buddies would do and I could only shake my head at the stupidity and imature behaviour. I love him to death, but the fact that he is so young and has been given so much killing power it just goes to his head. I guess reality gets skewed. He still want to act young and goofy, but doesn't realize the consequenses. Maybe some maturity and more ethics training in the military might help. Or they can just hand out Spider-Man comics. You know? "With great power comes great responsibility." Just a thought.

Unfortunately often only with age comes the wisdom to understand responsibility. Its a sad irony that just when most of us are getting mature enough to really get what life is all about, we die of old age.

Oh God no. I love the troops. I hate the Army. I appreciate the soldiers of our nation a great deal. I am thankful for CEP, Stench, and the other poopers like them because they have defended our country.

I get upset at the Army because it's just too big to be an effective business on the bottom level, and many people fall through the cracks and get away with things like, well, getting drunk and firing tanks.

I apologize if anyone thought I do not adore our country's honorable soldiers.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I meant CEPs disdain fro the enlisted men.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

I meant CEPs disdain fro the enlisted men.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Sam,
The first sign you're starting to lose it is when you repeat yourself. The first sign you're starting to lose it...

Daphne,
Before you get too thankful to CEP or Turd_Turdgutsn for having served in the military, consider this: I doubt very much that either one of them ever really served.

FACT:
In commenting on one of my earlier stories ("The Mad Shitter"), C_Everet_Poop claimed to have been an officer aboard the Enterprise. Yet when he talks of disciplining a sailor he says he would be sent to Leavenworth

WTF ????

Absolutely EVERYONE who has ever been in the Navy knows that sailors get sent to the Brig (Norfolk Naval Station).
Leavenworth is an Army jail.
At the time, I didn't make an issue of it, but since he's taken to disparaging enlisted men, I'd like to expose him for fraudulently claiming to have been an officer in the USN...

As for Turd_Turgustn... he talks about a "psyche-Discharge" ???? Everyone in the military knows there are only 5 types of discharge:

1. Honorable
2. General
3. OTH
4. BCD
5. DD

I will gladly accept a "lame comment" citation for this post as well as the ensuing negative point, however, it is important to me to expose frauds when I see them.

... Besides, I have another story in the poopline that will shortly garner me 10 more points! :)

Poo-per-ee, you just proved that you are an idiot. The USA only has one military high security prison and it is in Fort Leavenworth. Felons from all branches of service go there. John Walker and his bunch of spies from the 80s were all Navy and they are all in Leavenworth now. Norfolk is a BRIG. People go to the brig for misdemeanors.

Try doing your research before you spout off on things you are ignorant of, Tango Echo Delta.

Hey poo-per-ee, you just keep making yourself look pathetic. Your botched listing of discharge classifications is yet another example of your TED incompetence.

The classifications of discharge - as spelled out by the United States Government in AR 635–200 (which can be found here: http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/r635_200.pdf) - are as follows:

"3–4. Types authorized
a. The following types of characterization of service or description of separation are authorized:
(1) Separation with characterization of service as Honorable, General (under honorable conditions), or Under Other
Than Honorable Conditions.
(2) Entry-Level status. Service will be uncharacterized, and so indicated in block 24 of DD Form 214, except as
provided in paragraph 3–9a.
(3) Order of release from the custody and control of the Army by reason of void enlistment or induction.
(4) Separation by being dropped from the rolls of the Army.
b. The types of separation listed above will be used in appropriate circumstances unless limited by the reason for separation."

AR 635–200 goes on to state that psychiatric situations (which ARE a valid reason for separation, despite your disjointed and dubious contradictory claim) are typically classified under 'medical' or 'ELS,' although there are provisions made for circumstances that fall outside these categories.

I'm begining to think YOU are the fraud here.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

ADDENDUM: One other thing, Tango Echo Delta - before you go whining about the fact that my particular excerpt from AR 635-200 doesn't go into excruciating detail concerning the reasons for medical discharge, read the entire document I provided a link to and you'll find all your answers. Otherwise, you're just going to make yourself look like a jackass when you go spouting off at the mouth again about your THEORIES as to how the military functions.

Now, be forewarned - there's 146 pages in AR 635-200 and NO pictures, so I hope you know HOW to read.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Well, CEP's business email is definitely Navy.mil.com, and that can't be faked.

And thinking of it, I miss Stench. Wonder if he's deployed. What a sweetie he was. Maybe I'll try to email him.

Aaaand, I know this is lame, but please don't lame it.....when I read about the discharge levels, I am constantly thinking about Section 8 and Clinger on MASH. Him being in a dress was always my favorite part of the show.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Rats! I was hoping that pig was not actually in our armed forces.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit. Don't feel too bad. Poo-per-ee has his heart in the right place. Maybe he could get a good job checking facts at ABC. George W Bush still sucks really bad and that's what its all about anyway. Right?

Wait, hold up. Why would it be navy.mil.com? An actual Navy email would be yourname@navy.mil, just like NCSU is yourname@ncsu.edu and not yourname@ncsu.edu.com. However, www.mil.com looks like a legitimate source on government information at first look, but I haven't looked too deeply yet.

_______
Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Hmm, that's right. When I typed that, I was thinking of Mr. daphne's email address. But trust me, CEP is a soldier. I would not lie about such things. He sent me an email and he's definitely got a Navy address.

Actually, it was a very nice email and made my day, imagine that.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Wait. I thought he was a sailor.

GGG, in America, even our sailors are considered soldiers, as they should be.

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

I respectfully disagree. I am married to a 13-year veteran, and he always taught me that a Soldier is a soldier, an Airman is an airman, a Sailor is a sailor, a Marine is a marine, and a Guardsman is a guardsman...regardless of rank or gender.

At least, that's what he taught me.

Hiw nauseatingly quaint.

I could attempt to point out how incorrect you are, but given the obstinate nature of the majority of your posts here, I can see that there's no point. Clearly, your ego complex would never allow you to believe you're wrong about anything, nor to respect the beliefs of others (the "Washing Hands" thread is a great example of this).

So instead, I've used my energies to do a little troll-bashing instead. :)
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

ADDENDUM: *how

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

I did use the word "respectfully" to you, Turd.

Turdgutson, you shit-eating piece of slime, I would tell you to go fuck yourself, but the fact that you don't have the balls to attack anybody other than the innocent GGG, who exemplifies the classiest aspects of this site, proves you obviously lack the equipment to do it.

How about taking your big, fat, opinionated, turd-filled gut, son, back to the septic tank under your mama's whorehouse where it belongs, and never stink up this place again.

Thank you, Dumpie.

I asked my uncle about the "Marine, Airman, Sailor, Soldier" thing, as he was in the Navy. He couldn't really say about the other branches, but he thought that for the Navy, one might more properly use the term "Seaman".

But definitely not "Soldier". CEP, can you back me up on this, or am I out to lunch?

_______
"...I use public toilets and piss on the seat...I'm an asshole..."--Denis Leary. Yes, Turdgutson, I know.

I thought the Army was grunts, the Marines was jarheads, and the Navy was squids. I guess you could call them soldiers if you want.

_______
Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Okay, GGG, I give - what is it you claim to 'know' in your sig? That you spelled Dennis' name incorrectly?

I'm flattered that I weigh so heavily on your mind as to warrant inclusion in your sig. That's hot.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

No, you spelled Denis' name wrong. Durrrr.

Hmmm...it would sem that *I* am the one with the blue toilet water on my face in this case. I could have *sworn* he had more than one 'N' in his name. Thanks for pointing that out.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

It would "sem"?
Is that short for semen?
That's egg on your face turd.
You're being lamed all over the map.
Your spelling is going downhill, too.

Di, your post is almost Gwisdalian in format (not commentary thank goodness).

Turd I do have one question to ask of you, do you drink 1%, 2% or whole milk?

Whole milk. Why?

Thanks for pointing the spelling error out, Di, though I'm not sure why the comment got lamed. Near as I can tell, there's nothing 'lame' about admitting to one's mistake(s).

_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

Methinks the Dumpster got pissed off here.

Methinks DungDaddy is correct. Whoever messes with one of my girls, messes with ME!

ah, classic "Montezuma's Revenge"....

From reading the posts here things can get real fired up on PR. Entertaining as always...
Producing waste since 1967

C Everett Poop: I did 3 years on the uss abraham lincoln (yes already know the stinkin lincoln joke) and I'd have to say the only thing unpleasant about the short time I did was living with ppl who shared that whole "fuck the enlisted men/ TED" attitude. Alot of guys like me were only kids when they went in (not even 20 years old). At the time I was pretty nervous and kinda lost, but i did my job with respect and courage. With time I got used to Navy life. However the thing that really disgusted me was being judged and looked down upon and generally treated like shit by officers who I didnt even know, who werent even in my division. I never really could understand that. I wasnt a worthless airman, I was infact leading airman of my division. That whole ball busting thing seemed pretty undeserved to the young guys struggling mentally and physically to get through their first west-pac. I did know some pretty nice officers, and yes some pretty shitty enlisted men (and vice-versa). sadly however, I saw way too many ppl generalizing. The brotherhood we see between the ranks in films can sometimes be really exaggerated in comparison with real military life. Frickin shame. Oh well, those were some of the best AND worst times of my life and anyway thats years behind me. was a good learning experience anyhow (on both the professional and human side of things). oh and also, no i dont condone pooperee's behavior of being drunk on the job. on a final note, if the so called dignified officers of the fleet are surfing poop sites, and can only guess the captain of the Lincoln was surfing 2girls1cup dot com.