It’s been a long time since my last poop installments, from my Texas high school to a pretentious Prep School in Massachusetts, and now finally my foray into the Ivy League itself. There’s no use in pretending that it was a smooth and easy path; the prep school was necessitated by a stand-by classification awarded to me by a famous university; specifically that my grades and soccer accolades were attractive but my SAT's were only marginally sufficient. By now, though, I'm safely ensconced in the bastions of robber-baronism, and after hitting the ground running by being promoted to instant Sophomore status, the prognosis is excellent that I can one day take legal bribes known as government industrial complex kickbacks in the coming one-world government.
My first report of this place is that it’s inhabited by sniveling tattletales who are generally not as smart as advertised. Don't believe any of the hype. Sure there are some wicked-smart people walking around here, but mostly they're extremely competitive little trolls who live to make themselves look good by attempting to crush the well-being of anyone who’s somewhat vulnerable.
While I only spent two years in the Texas high school I have adopted the anti-Eastern establishment credo of the windswept plains of Texas. I live to annoy the dweeby little hobbits around here who love to plaster all kinds of Green environmental bumper stickers on their BMW's which are frequently parked at Logan International while they spend weekends in Aspen. I had a friend from high school send all sorts of Southern culture bumper stickers to me in the mail, and I put them everywhere.
My latest experience involves a friend from Texas who I met through a mutual friend. Tate, while not from a rich family, drives a Hummer. His Uncle gave it to him; it’s one of the older models and has a lot of miles on it. He is naturally proud of it, and like me, loves the bumper stickers from Texas, so naturally people from the dorm began picking on him. Chauncey, a student from Connecticut, is one of the Gestapo-Greenies who talks about carbon footprints all the time but who also flies to Switzerland three times a year to visit a rich grandmother. He started picking on Tate mercilessly and even started a campaign in the dorm to ostracize Tate for driving a Hummer.
I came to Tate's aid and the poop hit the fan from there. About three quarters of the dorm started a hate campaign against him. Someone took a picture of the Hummer and posted it in the study area with a Photoshopped image of Dick Cheney driving it while simultaneously firing a shotgun out the window with Tate riding shotgun.
The campaign culminated one weekend when someone keyed Tate's Hummer while it was parked in an adjoining parking lot to our dorm. We didn't know that it was Chauncey, but being that it was Chauncey that had started the harassment three other guys and I decided we needed to figure out how to stop the harassment, hate, and vandalism without involving the local authorities. A solution was hatched.
A friend of ours whose boyfriend had a Bachelor’s in sculpture elsewhere was enlisted to create a lifelike bust of Chauncey from turds. The boyfriend was supposedly some kind of mad scientist with a high IQ but few social graces.
A few weeks later he completed the sculpture, one that indeed resembled Chauncey. The sculptor used dog turds, and it looked disgusting. And strangely, it had no smell.
We finished it with a brown wig and a little plaque at its base that said "Chauncey _______ - future US President”. We hung it in the middle of the night from a rope over a well-traveled sidewalk in front of the dorm so that it hovered about twenty feet in the air.
It caused a minor sensation. The school newspaper even gave the incident page space because pranks are considered acceptable behavior unless they're politically incorrect. Before a cleaning crew took the sculpture down that afternoon, Chauncey had become famous.
No one ever found out who was responsible, and we were smart enough not to claim the credit. Chauncey had lots of enemies so all we had to do was keep our mouth shut.
