Shit Head

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l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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It’s been a long time since my last poop installments, from my Texas high school to a pretentious Prep School in Massachusetts, and now finally my foray into the Ivy League itself. There’s no use in pretending that it was a smooth and easy path; the prep school was necessitated by a stand-by classification awarded to me by a famous university; specifically that my grades and soccer accolades were attractive but my SAT's were only marginally sufficient. By now, though, I'm safely ensconced in the bastions of robber-baronism, and after hitting the ground running by being promoted to instant Sophomore status, the prognosis is excellent that I can one day take legal bribes known as government industrial complex kickbacks in the coming one-world government.

My first report of this place is that it’s inhabited by sniveling tattletales who are generally not as smart as advertised. Don't believe any of the hype. Sure there are some wicked-smart people walking around here, but mostly they're extremely competitive little trolls who live to make themselves look good by attempting to crush the well-being of anyone who’s somewhat vulnerable.

While I only spent two years in the Texas high school I have adopted the anti-Eastern establishment credo of the windswept plains of Texas. I live to annoy the dweeby little hobbits around here who love to plaster all kinds of Green environmental bumper stickers on their BMW's which are frequently parked at Logan International while they spend weekends in Aspen. I had a friend from high school send all sorts of Southern culture bumper stickers to me in the mail, and I put them everywhere.

My latest experience involves a friend from Texas who I met through a mutual friend. Tate, while not from a rich family, drives a Hummer. His Uncle gave it to him; it’s one of the older models and has a lot of miles on it. He is naturally proud of it, and like me, loves the bumper stickers from Texas, so naturally people from the dorm began picking on him. Chauncey, a student from Connecticut, is one of the Gestapo-Greenies who talks about carbon footprints all the time but who also flies to Switzerland three times a year to visit a rich grandmother. He started picking on Tate mercilessly and even started a campaign in the dorm to ostracize Tate for driving a Hummer.

I came to Tate's aid and the poop hit the fan from there. About three quarters of the dorm started a hate campaign against him. Someone took a picture of the Hummer and posted it in the study area with a Photoshopped image of Dick Cheney driving it while simultaneously firing a shotgun out the window with Tate riding shotgun.

The campaign culminated one weekend when someone keyed Tate's Hummer while it was parked in an adjoining parking lot to our dorm. We didn't know that it was Chauncey, but being that it was Chauncey that had started the harassment three other guys and I decided we needed to figure out how to stop the harassment, hate, and vandalism without involving the local authorities. A solution was hatched.

A friend of ours whose boyfriend had a Bachelor’s in sculpture elsewhere was enlisted to create a lifelike bust of Chauncey from turds. The boyfriend was supposedly some kind of mad scientist with a high IQ but few social graces.

A few weeks later he completed the sculpture, one that indeed resembled Chauncey. The sculptor used dog turds, and it looked disgusting. And strangely, it had no smell.

We finished it with a brown wig and a little plaque at its base that said "Chauncey _______ - future US President”. We hung it in the middle of the night from a rope over a well-traveled sidewalk in front of the dorm so that it hovered about twenty feet in the air.

It caused a minor sensation. The school newspaper even gave the incident page space because pranks are considered acceptable behavior unless they're politically incorrect. Before a cleaning crew took the sculpture down that afternoon, Chauncey had become famous.

No one ever found out who was responsible, and we were smart enough not to claim the credit. Chauncey had lots of enemies so all we had to do was keep our mouth shut.

26 Comments on "Shit Head"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Fake. I believed it right up to the part about getting a sculptor to work with turds. No way pal.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Having known several artists, some of whom are renowned internationally, I can easily believe that a sculptor would don a pair of medical exam gloves and work in "turd media". The same gloves that protect your doctor's finger when he jams it up your keister would protect the artist from direct turd contact.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Awsome, but I would have just keyed his prius back and put straight pipes on the Hummer.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Osama loves your SUV. Osama hates my bicycle.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Serves Chauncey right, what a dildo. There have been several documented accounts of sculptures made from human turds - I think we`ve come across this one before...

Indian turd sculptures

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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You should have called me Merc. I have been shitting turd sculptures for years. I think I may have even named one or two Chauncey. I would have given you one to honor the little bastard, although most would have been a bit too custardy to hang.

(sorry about the food reference Chief)

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Gloves might protect his hands. What would protect his sense of smell? Fake.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I don't think even Stevie Wonder with gloves and a clothes pin on his nose could have done it. Handling dog shit like that would offend all five of my senses.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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There are people who have no sense of smell and others whose jobs demand they overcome their aversion to various stenches. I totally lost my sense of smell for about a year until it was restored by an ENT Physician using laser surgery.

Some people make their living pumping septic tanks which in my opinion stinks much more than dog shit. Coroners dissect bodies that have been dead for weeks which probably does not improve their smell. The story could be fake but I would not call fake just because dog shit stinks.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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One of the things the artist would have to do with a "soft" sculpture, after drying it to the extent possible, would be to spray or otherwise cover it with some kind of shellac or resin or hard covering; that would likely cover up the smell. Old dog poop (almost wrote dop goog) hasn't that much smell anyway, once it starts to dry; it's the fresh stuff that really smells. I believe the story. I like it. Neat.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Of course people can do shit sculptures. People deal with shit professionally. Any day care worker working in the infants and toddler rooms is constantly dealing with shit. So are the people who work with demented.

And if you think that these people are getting paid for it so they're the exceptions, we still have Dalits who do it to honor their gawd.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Why would anyone do a shit sculpture for a prank on somebody he doesn't even know. Sounds like a lot of work for nothing in return.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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I was a vet tech for a few years and I used a pooper cooper but one of my fellow co workers would put on gloves and pick it up warm and steamy. He claimed it was quicker. i tried once. ONCE. And I'm with SittyP. That seems like alot of effort. I would have just opened a door and shit in his front seat. Locked? right on the hood. All the more worth it. And I may not be a green terrorist I do think little things mean alot.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I would have put it in his dorm room or at least on his door step or in his car or up his ass you know whatever.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Old poo stinks gaggingly bad when its cut with a shoe. It had to a gaggingly stinky chore to create a sculpture out of aging dog poo. It turns my stomach.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I would have smeared pnutty poo allin the cracks of the drivers window and the side mirror. I would wear three pair of gloves or more. I touched steamy poo before. It is unnerving.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I say fake. If not, then deeply weird.

bloody-stinktube's picture
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whats with all this fake crap? is this place turning into fucking break.com or something? fake or not, it was funny, and couldn't have happened to a better person it sounds like. i always talk big about what to do about these self-important piece of shit hypocrites, but don't feel like being locked up.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Today's story (I'm a day late) was fake too. This one is like cumscabdammit's fake story of all the little kids piling up poop on the bad man's porch.http://www.poopreport.com/Fun/dog_day_afternoon.html
Nice try, Chilito.

Another Anonymous Coward 's picture
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I also say this is fake, but for a completely different reason than anyone else so far: according to the story, the aim of the sculpture was to - and I quote - "figure out how to stop the harassment, hate, and vandalism". Well, at the end, the writer says - again I quote - "No one ever found out who was responsible, and we were smart enough not to claim the credit. Chauncey had lots of enemies so all we had to do was keep our mouth shut."

Now, if this had been intended simply as a nasty prank, Chauncey's not being able to figure out who was responsible would make sense and in fact would be preferable. But there was a stated aim here. The fact that he had numerous enemies means he never knew the sculpture was a response to something specific he had done. Therefore, it also means that he never tied Tate to his "punishment". So I have to assume the harassment campaign against Tate wasn't called off, and the result: objective not achieved.

Sorry, but the story just doesn't have the ring of truth to me.

meowpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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it's a fak-uh,suk-ah. what smells?

-- what smells? shit!

loaf pincher's picture
l 100+ points
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Hard to make a call on this one seems like a lot of trouble to go through just to get even,but semi funny anyway.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points
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I saw a guy on tv who paints with goose poop. He collects all shades of greens and browns into several different buckets each day and paints very nice nature scenes. What a stinky hobby.

Hey, school is for pranking. What other fun is there? At least Merc didn't actually harm anything. Those are the best pranks of all! Get tons recognition and not actually hurt anything in the process. Well done.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

christer stokker knutsen's picture
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hvem ser noensomhelst . hva ser ikke jeg

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Google says the comment above is in Norwegian and offers the following translation, "who looks noensomhelst. what do not I." I'm sorry christer but it still makes no sense to me.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Nitrile Exam Gloves's picture
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