Greetings, PoopReporters. Some of you may already be aware of an epidemic that is quickly spreading across the world. It knows only one color -- brown -- but it has countless victims. No one is totally safe from its wrath. This horror of which I speak is known as upper-decking.
For those that don't know already, an upper-decker is "the malicious act of making doodie in the water tank of a toilet, thus contaminating the toilet's clean water supply." The crap sitting in the tank slowly dissolves
in the clean water waiting for a flush. Each flush thereafter results in the bowl becoming filled with smelly brown water. Sometimes referred to as "2000 Flushes Brown"; if you are lucky enough, eventually the effects go away on their own. Often, though, the toilet is left clogged and inoperable.
As you can imagine, this prank can ruin relationships. It has been known to leave friends and families in shards. And it is just really mean and gross.
Many still think that upper-decking is merely folklore. Oh, no, my friends. It is as real as poop itself. I myself have been a victim of an upper-decking. Until it happened to me, I had never heard of such a thing, let alone had the pleasure of being a recipient. The evildoer was never caught, but the scar has always stayed with me.
The incident has always been in the back of my mind, although I have tried to block it out. But one day, a couple of months ago, I overheard someone talking about what they referred to as upper-tanking. Apparently a friend of theirs had fallen victim the day before. They joked about it with one another, but you could see in their eyes a bit of disgust and a lot of fear. They knew that they could be next. And why not? No one is safe.
A spark flicked in the back of my head; that, and the G. I. Joe theme song ran through it. "...A real American hero..." The Joes always preached at the end of their shows that "knowing is half the battle." That was it! I knew I had to get the word out. I decided to make it my mission to educate the world on upper-decking in an ongoing effort to eradicate it. I know it is an ambitious mission, but I have to at least try.
I thought about it a little more over the next couple of days, both on and off the toilet, and formed a plan of attack. The result was a movement (no pun intended) called FUDGE: Fighting Upper-Decking Goons with Education. I then created a home for FUDGE and upper-decker stories and information at http://www.antiupperdeck.com.
Antiupperdeck.com has only been active for less than a month now, but it has already started to gain a following. Tens of thousands of visitors have come to learn about upper-decking and share their experiences. Eventually there may be organized rallies and fundraisers to help spread the word.
It has been a very rewarding experience, and I am ecstatic with the results. There is a lot of work to be done, and I may have to do it one doodie at a time -- but I won't stop until the world is made aware of upper-decking, and it is wiped out.
You can help. It's easy. Just tell your friends, your family, and the guy sitting next to you. Tell them about upper-decking, and tell them that it is not okay. Tell them that we are all at risk and that we all need to become educated on the matter.
Thanks for listening. I hope you all have an upper-deck free day!
