I too continue to abuse myself with food and drink because I enjoy it too damn much; I figure the "end" results are just part of the ride.

But no matter how much or what I eat or drink I still remain very regular and release solid turds 95% of the time.

When I used to eat fast food on a daily basis I used to get the liquid shits quite often. Now I try to stay away from that crap.

I'm sure you know it doesn't always have to be like that, young Carlos. But there is something about the recklessness of youth that is irresistible to most people, serving up food and drink with abandon to the ole system and then contemplating one's navel on the toilet as the ultimate price of admission to the Fecal Follies.

I once interviewed a college student for some kind of journalistic piece I was doing for a newspaper I was working for, and the guy commented along the way that he pretty much felt like he was immortal at that stage of his life. I smiled, not begrudging him his opinion because I had been there and done that, too.

There is a certain natural bravado about the path you have chosen for the moment. Enjoy it to the hilt, recognizing that it won't last forever. You and your system will eventually slow down and blink a few times, always holding you accountable for your choices along the way.

This was an excellent and honest essay, 'Los! So much so that I am going to mull it over while taking the morning crap that is even now begging me to let it out and go free after having been produced throughout yesterday's hectic travel and haphazard road intake.

Peace and Plop, Carlos! You speak in proud, brown voice.

Your writing is remarkable, Los. I especially liked the reference to Lou Ferrigno's right bicep - OUCH! Can't imagine having a bicep in my colon......let alone the HULK'S. GGRRRAAAAAAAAAAA

Oh man, you described the my summer in 1999 perfectly. Being full of shit and not being able to make it come out sucks big time.

As a new reader to the Poop Report I would like to say I enjoy your stories and the perpassion of Doniker. While reading this last story, my stomach began growling with pain and I birthed a preme. Those are the worst as it is not a fully developed turd and there is endless wiping involved. I look forward to wasting many more hours reading everyones stories.

"a preme", that's funny.

This is a subject I don't believe PoopReport has covered that much.

I can recall times when I force a shit because I am in a hurry to leave or am going somewhere where I won't be able to take a dump.

I too have squeezed out a "preme" and maybe 1/3 of the log comes out and drops into the toilet, 1/3 is wiped up on 10 separate wads of TP and the other 1/3 remains in my ass.

That was a fantastic essay! I laughed, I cried, I pooped!

Seriously, it really sums up the agony of being on the john in an uncomfortable poop situation. I recently had a nasty bout of constipation, followed by some horrible pisshits caused by taking too many laxatives. I remember thinking how we take pooping for granted, swearing to myself to drink more water, eat better, blah blah blah. The next day I went out for pizza and beer.

But, like Los, I have chosen my path, and that path I will proudly walk.

Yeah, that happens to me pretty much every morning lately. I grunt out a little bit of turd before my shower, a little bit more afterward, and then while walking to class, I have to shit out the rest...which is usually a lot of soft play-do shit. There is nothing worse than not carrying a turd to term.

I'm glad y'all liked the story. I felt the need to explain the whys and hows of my frequent bowel problems.

A little tip on wiping. I have found that near the end of wiping, if am still scraping up faint lines of shit, I will spit into the toilet paper for moisture and next thing you know, I am clean as a whistle. Word of caution: If it is early morning and you are drinking coffee at the time forget it - if you spit into the toilet paper, the coffee spit will only fool you and you will never feel clean.

Mudd, are you a Primus fan?

They have a tune called "My Name is Mud".

Your handle has made me go look for my Primus CD to blast. There is also a killer live version on the Family Values Tour 1999 CD.

keep drinking your pork soda fatty!

Doniker

I'll check it out.

YAAAYYYYYYY! I didn't know there were any other Primus fans on this site!! You should see me & my kids dance to "Winona's Big Brown Beaver". Hoo Lordy.

The largest bowel movement I ever had was once when I was badly constipated. My stomach and intestines literally felt like they were going to explode, the pain and pressure was enormous, but the humongous mass of shit that was inside me did not seem willing to come out. I was starting to think I needed medical aid. A while later, it finally felt like I might be able to rid myself of the beast, so I went to the crapper and parked my suffering ass on the toilet seat. Grunting and straining for what seemed like an eternity, the monster finally started making it's way out of the cave. It came out slowly at first, the shit was fat and so hard, it stretched my butt hole open to the max. The pain was almost too much to bear. Then, with one last grunt and push, I released the entire log into the toilet. It broke into a few pieces on the way out because it was hitting the bottom of the toilet bowl, but if the whole thing could have stayed in one piece, I swear it would easily have been more than three feet long. After I finally passed the beast, I never felt so relieved before in my entire life. It was almost like I was a woman who had just given birth. I felt like a new man, like I was reborn or something. My bowel movements are usually quite normal and regular, but this one time was an experience I won't soon forget. Constipation is no fun, but when you have it and you finally are able take your dump, it feels so good.

Di, you let your kids listen to winonas big brown beaver? Now I dont feel so bad about letting mine watch cafe flesh.

Every time I met Margaret Thatcher, I took a shit and a half.

You let your kids watch Cafe Flesh? That's pretty crazy.

Primus r00lz!

This was an eloquent and thoughtful description of the dilemma that many of us face. For my part, I decided long ago that there was no food or booze worth severe anal after-effects.

Before:

Ate whatever I felt like (usually junk food), whenever I felt like, drank beer, pop and sometimes juice. Result? Constipation so bad that I once, in desperation, jammed fingersfull of vaseline up my asshole in an attempt to jumpstart my turd's downward journey. Splash and burn in a big way.

Now:

Whole wheat and whole grains, approximately a gallon of water a day, 5 to 6 small meals or snacks per day.

Result? I shit almost exactly at 4.30 AM and 8.00 PM everyday. Consistent, firm logs that are now as comfortable and as welcome as an old friend.

This is not a judgement and I'm certainly not saying it's a better way (I pass on alot of old favourite food and drinks now, and that's tough), but it's the choice some of us do make. Power and poop to all of us.

When trying to lose weight I ate healthy and yes I too pooped regularly and they were healthy logs.

But life is short and I figure I might as well do what I want and eat what I enjoy while I can.....no matter what price I have to pay.

Sir Carlos, I eat the same stuff as you, but every morning I take a healthy dose of psyllium husk. I let it soak in half a glass of water until it's the cosistancy of peanut butter, then water it down with apple juice or orange juice, then chug it. It really helps keep all the sludge moving and helps keep your pipes lubed up. Every morning, I guaranteed a nice healthy, slippery beef-a-roni. Sometimes a no wiper, which helps start your day right, ready to fill 'er up again.

omg, this is a peice of work. I know EXACTLY how that is...specially with the holidays and all, it can really take a toll on the ol' colon. I really hate those sessions where you keep wiping, you run out of toilet paper, and you just give up and leave, only to be greeted shortly after by your monsterous creation. Sometimes it seems like there's just a little marker tip in your ass drawing pictures all over your bung paper. So sad....

A preeme is also known as a million wiper.

I too have suffered my bouts with the shy turd. I just had the old Kodak moment with the internest. Before the procedure I drank two bottles of Citric of magnesia (as per his directions). About a hour after drinking it I fellt nothing and thought this stuff dosen't work. I was walking through the house my stomach growled, by the time I realized what was happening I almost shit mt pants. I made it to the crapper and had the most explosive crap I ever had in my life. There was a layer of crap all under the seat and my cheeks from the splash. I crapped for the next four hours until my little queffer was squirting clear. I didn't shit again for almost a week.

I feel your pain Calos. Constipation sucks.

Through experience,, I have found that the old saying "what you put in your system, determines what leaves your system" is true.

Well done Carlos.
_______
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."