Al Bundy's Ferguson
The love between a man and his favorite commode is nothing short of kismet. Searching throughout modern and ancient history, toilet love is fairly evident. But the greatest love a man has ever shown his crapper was the love between Al "Crazy Legs" Bundy and his mighty Ferguson.
For those of you who have been living inside your own toilets, Al Bundy was the alpha male character in the great Fox sitcom Married... With Children. Al's total and utter despair in modern suburbia showed us all exactly what a truly miserable life would be like. His children were morons, his wife was a lazy, red-headed, nagging monster, and his neighbor was a maniacal lesbian. When he left his shitty castle, he went to his shitty job selling shoes to fat women.
Al: When I was growing up, I had two dreams. One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield. The other was having a bathroom all to myself. Well, Daddy got blown off course and had to crash on a much darker planet. (Al touches Peggy's head.) But family, I'm going to realize my second dream. I'm going to build a bathroom -- the greatest bathroom in the world. And I want you to know something, all of you -- NOBODY USES THAT BATHROOM BUT ME.
Yes, a truly miserable life was his. His only escapes were watching his favorite TV show Psycho Dad, holding council with his men's club NO MA'AM, and driving in his beloved car, the mighty Dodge. But mightier than all those joys in Al's life was his love for his Ferguson.
Al: When I was a boy I told myself when I grew up I would have one thing. A toilet bowl like my dad had.
Peggy: I thought it was a head like a peanut. He had one of those, too.
Al: you're not going to ruin my moment, Peg. Now stand back and feast your eyes on... this!
Kelly: is it just me, or is that a toilet?
Al: Not just a toilet... a FERGUSON. The King of bowls!
Rarely would you see Al ever happy in his life of hell. His only smiles came when he was watching TV and when he was entering his place of Zen: his bathroom. There was originally only one bathroom in the Bundy household. But in Season three, Al takes it upon himself to build himself the bathroom to end all bathrooms, replete with Ferguson. In typical Al Bundy style, it comes out as a cold, dark place. But in a future episode, when Peg remodels it into bright, vibrant colors, Al destroys it and rebuilds it using his symbol of manhood: his father's hammer.
Al: Bud, sit down. Let me tell you the story of the Ferguson. Now these babies were made in Maine, you know, at the little Ferguson factory. It's the Stradivarius of toilets. And my Dad could play it like a violin.
Yup, I'll never forget the time my dad took me to Maine to visit the factory. I had to go to the bathroom. And I begged him to pull into a truck stop. He said no, wait until we get there! It'll be worth it! It was!
How could a man survive such a horrid life? He could survive because his Ferguson got him through it. Whenever Al was feeling down, he would go one of two places: to rest upon his mighty Ferguson, or down to the local nudie bar. And, really, what else does a man need?
Bud: Excuse me, Dad, but a toilet is a toilet.
Al: (grimacing) Bud... the toilets today aren't worthy of the name! They come in designer colors... they're too low! When you flush them, they make this weak, almost apologetic sound. But not the Ferguson. It only comes in white. And when you flush it... BaaaWOOOSH! That's a man's flush, Bud. A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot." Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak, the tales it would tell!
And now I've got one of my very own!
I just wish... Dad could be ali--- (Al breaks down)
Al: Oh look, Dad, I'm sitting on my own Ferguson! Just like you always knew I would!
The bathroom is a man's sanctuary, a place of rest. When life gives your lemons, you take a big shit. And that's exactly what Al did. After a bad day of selling women's shoes, he would retreat to his bathroom. After wrestling traffic to make it home to his ungrateful wife and kids, he would go and bond with his Ferguson.
Al: Daddy loves you!
Peggy: What does that toilet have that I don't?
Al: A job.
Al's bond with his toilet speaks volumes about our society. It wasn't an accident that Married... With Children was on the air for ten years. Writers base sitcoms on our lifestyles. How many of us can't wait to get home, not because we want to see our children or spouse, but because we want to sit down on the pot? After a long day of work and stress, the only place where we can let go and be stress-free is the bathroom. The bathroom is our Eden. For me, after dealing with all the bullshit of my job, nothing cleanses my head better then a good, hearty dump. I feel almost vindicated, like I finally accomplished something in the day. No matter how bad my day has been, getting home to my familiar Ferguson always takes the edge of. No more stress, no more people yelling, no more phone calls. Just peace, serenity, and my favorite magazine.
Kelly: Well. Daddy finally finished his bathroom. You know, the living room seems so much bigger without the Ferguson.
Peggy: Yeah... this must be quite a moment for your father. He's in there breaking in the Ferguson as we speak. Must be having fun... he's been in there for over an hour.
Al comes in.
Peggy: How was it, Al?
Al: (Sits down on the couch.) I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated.
Al: This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?
Peggy: You want me to undercook you some chicken, honey?
Al: No, but thanks anyway, Peg. It'll take something a lot stronger than raw chicken to get me fixed up.
Al turns on the TV.
Announcer: And now stay tuned for the rest of our exciting ABC lineup. Roseanne! Moonlighting! And the award-winning Thirtysomething.
Al nods, picks up a newspaper, puts it under his arm, and heads to the bathroom.
I'd like to hear from the rest of the poop community. Do you share a special bond with a certain toilet in your house? Do you go out of the way to make it home to shit? Do you feel like you're cheating on your toilet when you shit at the local gas station? Does your bathroom resemble Al Bundy's -- cold and dark, with a toilet that could suck down a whole turkey? Put down your seats, fellow PoopReporters, and stand atop your favorite toilet. Tell us about your Ferguson. Because everyone has a Ferguson. For some of us, our Ferguson is metaphorical, something we strive for. For some of us, like Al Bundy, bless his tortured soul, our Ferguson is all that we have.
Al: Now that's a MAN'S flush!
-- Pill Pooper
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