Ghost Poops, The Mystery Loaf, and Wormholes: The Hypothesis of Dr. Brakov

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"When you drop a Ghost Poop: You know poop comes out, wipe....no poop, look in the
toilet...no evidence of poop, where does it go?"

-- Joe C, 11-23-01



Abstract


My research has convinced me that there could be some sort of wormhole in the
space-time continuum in which poop is free to move from one universe into a
parallel universe. Additionally, this process is capable of occurring in reverse ---
for example, when you poop what you think is a rather insignificant poop but, upon
inspection, you find that apparently a large brown submarine has surfaced in your
toilet.

We call this phenomenon "The Valsava Hypothesis." It was named after the
Bulgarian proctologist Brakov Valsava, a man truly ahead of his time in the study
of poop physics. Dr. Valsava vanished one autumn afternoon after doing a TV
interview at which he made wild proclamations regarding the wormhole theory. It is
widely believed that he was taken by Russian intelligence (possibly the pooping
wing of the KGB) to reconstruct his experiments in a lab somewhere in Siberia.



Introduction


Society as a whole has benefited significantly from the invention of the
flushing toilet. Prior to this invention, the general population was forced to do
their dirty business into unsanitary receptacles, and dispose of their excrement as
they saw fit -- which meant that sometimes it was simply thrown out the window.

It has been argued that civilized society and proper sanitation systems have
gone hand in hand. However, with the advancement of said sanitation systems, the
human race as a whole has encountered one of the most puzzling phenomenons of our
short, sanitized history: The Ghost Poop.

Odds are very good you've encountered it, either by hearing stories of it or
experiencing it first hand. Either way, it has left you, and thousands of others,
grasping for words.

What is a Ghost Poop? To put it simply: you have planted yourself on the toilet
and are going about your routine. Once you feel you have sufficiently emptied the
contents of your lower GI, you begrudgingly begin the process of wiping. Upon
inspection of the TP, not a trace of fecal material can be found. Bewildered, you
stand, look into the toilet, only to realize that there is nothing in there either.

By this time, feelings of utter despair and confusion have encompassed your
entire being. You sit back down, with your only option being to wipe again,
thinking you may have missed "ground zero" with your initial pass. Wipe... yet
again, nothing. At this point, you exit the bathroom, looking back at the toilet
as you leave, wondering what had just happened and what mystical cosmic forces are
at play.

The Ghost Poop. After experiencing this phenomenon multiple times throughout
the span of my pooping career, I began searching for answers.

My quest led me to the research of renowned Bulgarian proctologist, Dr. Brakov
Valsava. Dr. Valsava was a man with an incredible passion for pooping. As a
youth, Brakov encountered the Ghost Poop, (called Lu Osturug Kagat by his village
elders) many times. He made it his life's purpose to determine the cause of this
phenomenon.

After exploring several potential causes, including aliens and underwater
gnomes, Valsava came to the conclusion that the only plausible source of this
phenomenon was the presence of some sort of crack in the space-time continuum ---
possibly a wormhole -- found in toilets that allowed feces to move from one universe
into a parallel universe.

His findings were supported by another phenomenon, although not as frequent but
equally puzzling: The Mystery Loaf, the opposite of the Ghost Poop. This has
occurred when you look into the bowl to admire your work, expecting an average,
run-of-the-mill turd -- only to find a brown Leviathan that has somehow managed to
pass through you bunghole unnoticed.

Imagine the possibilities of Valsava's wormhole theory -- the transportation of
poop through space and time! Your Mystery Loaf could be in fact the Ghost Poop of
some famous and important historical figure. Or, vice versa! Your Ghost Poop could
have made a trans-dimensional journey through space and time to become Julius
Caesar's Mystery Loaf!

Because of his unfortunate disappearance, Dr. Valsava was never able to finish
his research. So I have taken it upon myself to see if his findings have any
scientific merit.



Results


In order to determine if the wormhole theory is plausible, I had to do research
on wormholes themselves. First, I needed to determine what exactly a wormhole was.
My research led to the following (from Mysteries of Space - Time: Wormholes):


Wormholes are theoretical shortcuts through space and possibly time. A wormhole has
two entrances, which are situated in different places, and are connected by a
tunnel in hyperspace. Wormholes make third-dimensional distances shorter by
transporting matter or energy through the fourth dimension.

That being determined, I needed to figure out if wormholes only occur naturally,
or if they can be somehow manufactured. I managed to attain the following (also from Mysteries of Space - Time: Wormholes):


Do they {wormholes} naturally occur in space, or do they need to be created
artificially? If they do exist at all, there is a pretty good chance that they
appear naturally, but it might also be possible to create one artificially. Here is
one theory:


  1. Get four identical sheets of metal (same size, chemical composition, etc.).
  2. Leave them in pairs slightly apart. While keeping them perfectly parallel,
    separate the two pairs to become the entrance and exit of the wormhole.
  3. Electrically charge each plate with an immense amount of energy. This would
    require quadrillions of times the amount that the most powerful machine on earth
    could ever harness. We would probably need to destroy multiple stars and collect
    their energy in order to have a sufficient amount.
  4. When something is placed between one pair of sheets, it will be immediately
    transferred within the other pair.


wormhole

Thanks to Thinkquest for the image.

This exposition pokes some holes in Dr. Vasalva's theory. First, the amount of
energy required to create a poop-wormhole would surely vaporize the transient (the
turd, in this case) into an unrecognizable entropy of particles. Second, and more
importantly, I find it highly dubious that my colon, or indeed anyone's, is capable
of harnessing the energy of multiple stars. At best, I could harness a single
star, but even two is pushing it.

Further research is underway analyzing the material properties of porcelain, in
order to determine if it is indeed an ideal conductor of enormous amounts of
energy. But the results have thus far been inconclusive.

Conclusion

After identifying the material requirements to create a wormhole, I have
determined that Dr. Valsava's theories are not sufficient to explain Ghost Poops
and Mystery Loafs.

Although revolutionary and quite exciting, it looks as though the wormhole
theory has no scientific merit. Mankind will simply have to live with this
phenomenon for many years to come. Hopefully there are many more young Brakov
Valsava's out there to someday solve this quandary, and finally answer the question
that's haunted mankind for centuries:

When you drop a Ghost Poop: you know poop comes out, wipe... no poop, look in
the toilet... no evidence of poop... where does it go?

26 Comments on "Ghost Poops, The Mystery Loaf, and Wormholes: The Hypothesis of Dr. Brakov"

JPC's picture
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Your mother must be so proud, Joe C.

Andi's picture
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Joe: You're even sicker that I thought!

Matt's picture
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Dr. Joe: Congratulations on your recent publication. I think that this work is of Noble Prize caliber.

matt gibson's picture
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that show cops, i love it

James Walker's picture
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Oh crap. There goes that theory.

Who flungdung's picture
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That is not a very good theory>>>

amanda brown's picture
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you are very poopie!

Troy's picture
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It is a matter of faith... Physics aside, as long as I know I have pooped I don't need to "see" it to feel satisfaction or sense of accomplishment.

Each time it happens I feel that I must have made a turd of such perfect creation that the poop gods have transported it away to some distant poopie hall-of-fame...

Mostly I am just happy I don't have to wipe much.

Jerry's picture
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Bouancy(SP?) and hardness are factors in the dissappearing poo. I've had many a vanishing poo but only seldom do I see the explanation.

In addition to the double wipe to be sure to hit ground zero and check the bowl, I watch it while I flush, though I have stopped since I realized this was like sticking my face into an invisible poo tornado. Once in a while, but seldom, upon the instand of flushing the water pressure of the bowl is changed and a poopie will poke it's head out of the place where it leaves, that little curved spot at the bottom of the toilet. I know that there is some space there from having dropped things in there(glad i don't remember what i dropped, because, at the moment, i can't think of ANYTHING short of jewelry or some sort of valuables).

Anyways, my semi proven hypothesis is that poop will swish back there while it settles and either get wedged in just enough to get stuck, or begin to rise and stick to the top of that passage.

Most toilets in the states are like this, but uncle sam put me in england for a while, and they are different here. Deeper, more conical bowls, with little water in the bottom. Only here the turd has almost enough time to hit terminal velocity, once hitting water it's got momentum untill it hits bottom faster and will form some sticky or suction like bond.

I have yet to see a disappearing poo here.(that doesn't sound right but you know what i mean)

Also, english engineering at it's best here, the walls of the bowl are splattered often because there is more of them and there is no lip just under the seat. When one flushes water shoots from one hole in the front towards the back(some are a little powerful and you'll get your dick wet) and two holes in the back that shoot to the sides. If one had drank heavily the night before and has liquid like poo, it won't all get washed off of the sides. Also, because of poo velocity, there is often that drop of water that flies up and hits the brown eye, or close to it.

That's more of an editorial against the UK than it is about dissappearing poo, but it's also a warning for travelers. The "courtesy flush" is not always a good thing unless you stand mid poo.

FakePoopManufacturer's picture
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Actually there is a perfectly logical and perfectly reasonable explanation for "Ghost Poop". When you crap, along with the feces you shit out comes other things. Things like gasses. Usually these gasses are trapped inside the log making it float. Eventually, these bubbles dissapate and therefore make your excrement fall to the bottom of the bowl. Also, the hardness and density of the shit are also important factors to the buoyancy of the shit. Now what does this have to do with "Ghost Poop"? My explanation is that the Ghost Poop lacks these three key components to the surface floaters. In the bowl, there is a lip at the bottom. As the shit falls into the water, it immediatley falls to the bottom, hiding beneath that lip. If you look into you toilet bowl at home or work, you can see this "Dead Zone" where ntohin but blackness lurks. This poop must hide in this place until the lever is pulled and the flushing commences. Psht, Time/Space Wormholes...Give me a break...

dark something or other's picture
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I think the monkeys eat it!!! Those silly monkeys!!!

Joe C's picture
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Well Mr. Fakepoopmanufacturer and other non-believers, how do you explain the "Mystery Loaf" then? Hmmm?

Michael's picture
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My wife was a non believer in the Ghost Poop. Well, needless to say NOW she has been converted!!!!!

1st class shitter's picture
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about the ghost poop well my story is different when I poop i do poop and THERE IS poop in the tolite but never any on the paper this happens all the time explain

PooMeister's picture
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ghost poo: the dense kind of poop that sinks into the back of the bowl hiding from sight.

mystery loaf: the extremely large poop that exits the ass with extreme ease. this can be explained by a the relaxing of the rectal muscles to the point (perhaps by alcohol or um.. other prior activities). Sometimes the size of the poop is misleading however, though appearing wide, it may be narrow in depth or thickness.

and finally...

the clean wipe: this is similiar to the mystery loaf, in that ground zero is extremely clean despite the size of the floating loaf. again, the relaxation of the muscles and natural (or manufactured) lubrication that exists allows for a smooth, clean exit of the feces.

Allicia's picture
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Actually there are may theories about wormholes and one states that an electreomagnetic cone pushed through an electromagnetic Taurus (or sphincter in this case) will cause a temporary wormhole requiring very little power if the turd contained high iron content such as after a large beef dinner the turd may emmit a low level electomagnetic cone which passing through the sphincter would create a momentary wormhole.

Jay's picture
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Hey are there any hot girls in here people

Matt's picture
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hey allicia if you dont mind me asking how old are you

who cares's picture
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Hey, Matt & Jay, if you thought more often with you poopie than your peepee, you could explain your lack of intellegence on a dumb ass, rather than some dick.

Billy's picture
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POOP RULES. I love poop, I love making it and I love for other people to smell my poop

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I have found ghost poop.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Well, that's silly. You can get color-free cheese puffs at Trader Joe's, and they look the same. And they're edible.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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Interesting theory. I have experienced "mystery loaves" many times.

I do believe that there could be such a thing as wormholes.
_______
The universe isn't stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Dr. J Hughes (Leicester, England)'s picture
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Having taken an interest in your research, I have recently discounted my own theory of U-bend centripedal forces. I do now heartedly believe that some form of wormhole phenomena is the cause of the infamous 'vanishing poop'.
Perhaps Einstein and his time theories would help us here?
Anyway; keep up the sound scientific labours that we all endure but love!
(Dude, your a freakin' comical genius!)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I used to never need to wipe after poops. Perfectly clean poops every time. Not so true anymore.

I just had a ghost poop though. And it was a true ghost poop. None on the tissue (I even used a wet wipe) and nothing in the bowl. And it must have been huge! It felt huge. I actually felt my belly get a little more concave. But no, nothing.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Ver interesting AC, I can only say this, about that.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!