How To Poop For Peace: Printable

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 2007

  1. It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.

  • Close the door, bare your butt, and sit on the toilet as normal. Do not, however, yet poop.

  • Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it -- this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.

    There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.

  • Now, let it flow. And as you do --

  • think of the rich man, with all his finery.

    think of the President, with all his power.

    think of Osama bin Laden, with all his anger.

    think of Katherine Hepburn, with all her grace.

    think of the migrant worker, with all his worries.

    think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness.

    think of Sandra Day O'Connor, with all her responsibility.

    think of John Elway, with all his prowess.

    think of your mother, with all her love.

    Think of the one thing they have in common.

  • Finish your poop.

  • As you stand up, look down. This is the sight that greets Fidel Castro every morning in his hospital. This is the sight that greets Prince Charles every morning in his castle. No matter your skin color, your religion, or your sex, this is proof of your membership in the human race.

  • This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.

  • Flush the toilet.

  • Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic worldview. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.

  • Leave this printout in the bathroom for the next pooper.

  • Don't forget to wipe.

  • Go to and share in mankind's triumph.