How To Poop For Peace: Printable

HOW TO CELEBRATE POOP FOR PEACE DAY

FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 2007

poopreport.com/peace

1. It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.

Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it -- this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.

There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.

think of the rich man, with all his finery.

think of the President, with all his power.

think of Osama bin Laden, with all his anger.

think of Katherine Hepburn, with all her grace.

think of the migrant worker, with all his worries.

think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness.

think of Sandra Day O'Connor, with all her responsibility.

think of John Elway, with all his prowess.

think of your mother, with all her love.

Think of the one thing they have in common.

This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.

Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic worldview. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.