poopreport : Intellectual Crap :

Poopisms

Posted 01.09.2003 by Dave (11538)
Genius hides in the most unlikely places. I don't know how I first found Poopisms, but their wit and their total universal truth awe me. They are created by the mysterious "Walter", who claims to be a student. I don't believe it. Clearly, "Walter" is an ancient Zen master, masquerading as a young kid for reasons beyond my mortal comprehension.

The enigmatic and venerable "Walter" allowed me to post up my favorite Poopisms. Read, and be enlightened:


10/23/02: contrary to popular belief, i consider a "party pooper" the life of a party.


4/5/02: its important to always have something to read when pooping. but make sure its nothing too exciting, bc you want to always remember your primary objective.


9/25/02: one day, these reality shows like fear factor and the like will make the contestants eat poop, and then I will finally have the upper hand.


11/24/02: prior to a poop, make sure that you take off your cape, because oh man, that can get embarrassing.


11/13/02: one thing i like doing since i was a child (im lying i started doing it last year), is to yell "OOOOH ILL GET YOU NEXT TIME DINOSAUR!" whenever i flushed the toilet because the big pieces of poop always look like tails that are fleeing away into their caves.


11/27/02: i wish i was in space, that way, i could poop upside down successfully.


11/30/02: have you ever fallen asleep while pooping? if you have, you really do not have your priorities straight.


11/15/02: a poop dupe: to tell someone youre going home to nap or play handball or whatever, when all youre really doing is going to take a poop.


10/17/02: Fake poop is often used when participating in trickery amongst friends; although, think about it. whats funnier?, the look on the face of the targeted when they pick up a piece of fake poop, or their face after they pick up a fresh steaming piece of real poop?


10/18/02: i bet there is gold inside of our poop. you dont know. youve never checked.


9/10/02: if a poop deck is what i think it is, i am joining the Navy


11/14/02: if you think about it, "flinging" poop is the only proper means of turning it into projectile. even though hurling, tossing, shotputting, rifling, pelting, hiding, and underhanding poop are all comical, it just doesnt work as well as flinging.


9/15/02: you know how when you're pooping in a public place and theres someone else in the bathroom and you feel kinda embarrassed when you make noises? i dont believe in that. i think we should feel free to make as much noise as we want, because theres nothing to be embarrassed about. the next time im in the bathroom and someone makes a lot of noise, im going to go into the stall and give them a high five.


9/26/02: the worst is when you are really sick and you dont know whether you are gonna throw up or poop, because you have to rationalize which one you would rather clean up off of the floor.


5/12/02: My worst day ever was when i pooped kryptonite. and even though kryptonite does not effect me like it does superman, it was really big and pointy and it hurt.


When granting me permission to reprint his sacred Poopisms, the honorable and gracious "Walter" asked me to include these:


WALTER'S CHOICE: P times 1001 is equal to PooP


WALTER'S CHOICE: The Hover Poop: Pooping without touching the seat and instead hovering over the toilet, due to the fear of the uncleanliness of the seat


WALTER'S CHOICE: i like to wear my sunglasses while pooping because it makes me feel cooler


Dearest PoopReporters, we're in luck: there exist many more Poopisms.

-- Dave

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!



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Dan (38) -- 01.09.2003

I love the last one:

i like to wear my sunglasses while pooping because it makes me feel cooler

i like him, hes funny

Tydirium (516) -- 01.09.2003

What makes this amazing is the inclusion of the very last word of this sentence:

"11/27/02: i wish i was in space, that way, i could poop upside down successfully."

boelkstoff (not verified) -- 01.09.2003

Here's how you found him, good stuff, too. I've passed the link on to a few people:

06.18.02002

Poopisms: thoughts about poop

----- posted 2:13 PM by Dave ||||| no comments

This fella IMd me today, telling me he is a "real big fan of poop" and asking me to look at his Poopisms page. I dutifully pass the link on to you, gentle reader. Some of the poopisms are deep.

Clyde (21) -- 01.09.2003

I think I like the dinosaur one best. That's funny shit.

Di Uhreea (409) -- 01.10.2003

I always loved Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts" and this is sort of a poop version of those. Thanks "Walter"!

IvanaMarryWalter (not verified) -- 01.10.2003

OMG I had no idea there were such hotties hangin around the world of poop. He's not only funny and smart but the guy truly digs poop. I'm in love *sigh*

Thumb (not verified) -- 01.10.2003

"Splashback" = When the water splashes up and hits your bum.

"Lashback" = When your poop is long and it hits the bottom of the toilet and then falls forward and hits your balls.

Adam (26) -- 01.12.2003

there are more molecules in one bowel movement than number of years that everyone that has ever lived has been alive; think about that the next time you flush your latest accomplishment.

sara b (not verified) -- 01.15.2003

My favorite part was when he said "poop".

Excrementor (not verified) -- 01.28.2003

A turbulent rectum nearly cost you your life,

A fart during a blow job took the head off your wife!

J Harol (not verified) -- 02.26.2003

Building a nest: Covering the toilet seat with toilet paper so your bum does't touch, an alternative to the hover poop.

dirty sanchez (not verified) -- 02.28.2003

i love shit, i want a brown eyed woman (full of shit) I want to give you a dirty sanchez.

Heather (40) -- 04.07.2003

I think there's too many men on this site, there were no references to giving birth to a poop... there must be atleast one person out there that has had that thought half way through "is this what childbirth is like", goddamn poop!

the_brown_word (not verified) -- 04.22.2003

birthing a forarm, knuckles first.

Amy (not verified) -- 05.02.2003

I am with you, Heather! I must have thought that a million times when I was younger. I have no personal experience in the matter, but I am pretty sure that that is not the case. But boy, did I used to think so.

This list is hilarious. I was seriously laughing out loud at this stuff. Because it's hilarious, but also because it's true.

Sir Walter (not verified) -- 05.05.2003

After a complete brain poop (as in comparison to a brain fart), I have brought back my daily poopisms after a long hiatus. If you want to check them out, check out my AIM profile under the screenname Walterbuffalo or go to my website and check out the Poopisms archives @ http://chillywally.tripod.com/walterakistan

i heart poopreport.com bc it brings pooplovers together similar to the way small pieces of poop clearly mash together and form one big poop.

the poopsniffer (not verified) -- 07.01.2003

i love poop so much i actially married my poop.I kiss it every day before i go to work and also when i come home.I LOVE POOP!

Captain Feces (not verified) -- 07.08.2003

Thou shalt not shit you not.

Josh (not verified) -- 07.14.2003

Good hilarious stuff!

Bungholio (not verified) -- 12.18.2003

My bro at work wont poop on the job...never has...says he never will....he said he never did at school either....Ive known him 9 years....no poop yet.

Goose (not verified) -- 02.06.2004

I married my poop too at first she was warm and sweet but after time the bitch became bitter and cold. Thats a woman for ya

Bean fat arcamedies (not verified) -- 07.05.2004

One time my friend and I ate a bunch of Chinese buffet food and went home to poop on top of each others' poop and it looked and smelled the same.

charlie the tuna meyer (not verified) -- 07.05.2004

One time I knew this girl who took a poop during a college house party only to discover that the toilet was out of order! Well, I suppose some people would just leave and hope no one noticed their remnants, but no. She decided it would be a better idea to pick it out and throw it through a hole in the wall into the owners clothes closet! Only to hear about the incedent weeks later from a mutual friend, to this day my lips are sealed.

Feces Girl (not verified) -- 11.10.2004

One of my poopisms are "Who does number 2 work for?" and "Ba-Doop!" which is a sound of poop hitting and splashing the toilet water.

The Shit Volcano (3646) -- 11.13.2004

My poop always goes "Plook".

PoopinHammer (not verified) -- 01.05.2005

the poopisms are not there anymore...i love those damn things, can someone tell me where to find them

david wooderson (not verified) -- 06.07.2005

there is nothing better than having an obscene work poop that stinks up the entire floor. no one knows who did it but it is the topic for the day. makes me feel like a champ.

Brittany (not verified) -- 09.24.2005

I made medical hystory when I came out of my mom's ass!

poogurl (not verified) -- 11.20.2005

life can pretty much be related to poop. sometimes its loose, easy flowing...like when you eat too many raisins and such. but then sometimes its hard to get through,like when you have too much rice. you may sit there for hours. you have to push to make it work. in the end though...you get through it all. flush it down. and get on with your life.

loglayer (not verified) -- 04.20.2006

Wow. I am impressed. Makes me want to go to the oval office and build a cabin.

healthy 1 (1421) -- 11.30.2006

Here are a few more poopisms.

What does a backed up cespool and politicians have in common: They are both constanly spewing shit everywhere.

Wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident.

Boomerang shaped poop = poomerang.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 05.17.2007


_Giggles galore here.....Thanks for the laugh.______
Producing waste since 1967

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