Airline Toilets and Vacuum-Sealed Asses: A PoopReport Investigation
Editor's note: This article serves as resolution to Scientific Conjecture Regarding a Woman's Misfortune.
As any self-respecting poopreport reader knows, a recent news story depicted the
horrific ordeal of a woman whose buttocks became firmly stuck to an airline toilet seat
as a result of the vacuum-pressure flushing system. Removed by an emergency response
team upon landing, the irate woman filed a lawsuit against SAS Airlines.
"She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had
landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose," a SAS spokeswoman told
A typical Airbus toilet. This lavatory features a convenient folding table for changing your baby.
Upon reading about this unfortunate airline passenger, I felt a deep, unexpected,
journalistic urge growing within me. It grew long and stiff, and it pointed north, at
my destiny: I must attempt to replicate this woman's ordeal with my own ass, and
discover if her story was factual, or if she was just a lawsuit-hungry publicity whore.
Last week, I boarded a JetBlue A-320 airbus, with all the nervousness of a
three-legged cat at the Westminster Dog Show. If my quivering buttocks could indeed
form an airtight seal around the toilet, and I could muster up the cojones to flush,
would my bowels be whisked out of my unsuspecting rectum in an agonizing,
blood-spattered, intestinal gore-gasm?
Such were the thoughts percolating in my forebrain, as I stepped into the aircraft
restroom, and slid the lock home, so the little sign would read "occupied." I stared
at the toilet, and my anal sphincter hiccuped in trepidation. Or maybe that was
flatulence. I recalled an anecdote that my brother, an airline pilot, had told me. He
was in the restroom mid-flight, and flushed the toilet on a 50-passenger United Express
jet. To his amazement, a wad of toilet paper that had been sitting on the floor rose
into the air, and hovered for the entire duration of the flush. What incredible
sucking power! Were my intestines soon to resemble pulled pork?
Thankfully, I realized after a moment that my fears were unfounded. Upon closer
examination of the seat, I discovered that with the toilet seat down, it would be
absolutely impossible for a man of my stature to achieve an airtight bond with the
bowl. I also discovered a few pubes.
Like most home toilets, the seat had small
protective plastic nodules on its ventral surface, thus creating about a half inch of
space between the seat and the rim of the bowl itself. This space would certainly
prevent anyone from becoming physically affixed to the toilet through the suction of a
vacuum-pressure flushing system.
Thus, I happily dropped my shorts, and gave my colon the green flag. At this
point, I asked myself, "How could this woman's claims possibly be valid?" I came up
with only three far-fetched possibilities:
somehow managed to plug up the space between the seat and the rim.
butt (the sink also has a vacuum-pressure disposal system).
As I finished my transaction, I noticed that the JetBlue restroom was the finest
I'd ever seen on an aircraft. Roomy, comfortable on the eyes, and relatively fluffy
Little did I know at the time, but a subsequent news story had just been released,
explaining that the woman's story was a hoax. But I'm not convinced. I think it's a
cover-up of Watergate proportions. Perhaps SAS airlines has faulty toilet seats, and
the next victim is only an innocent flush away. After all, SAS did verify the story
when it happened.
I'll leave the detective work to the National Airline Transportation
Safety Board. But for your bunghole's sake, take away this valuable lesson: always
stand up before flushing on an aircraft. We have enough to worry about in the skies
these days, and a mutilated rectum shouldn't be one of them.
-- Colon Bowell
Editor's Note: The Discovery Channel has conclusively tested Mr. Bowel's hypothesis.