Airline Toilets and Vacuum-Sealed Asses: A PoopReport Investigation

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Editor's note: This article serves as resolution to Scientific Conjecture Regarding a Woman's Misfortune.

As any self-respecting poopreport reader knows, a recent news story depicted the
horrific ordeal of a woman whose buttocks became firmly stuck to an airline toilet seat
as a result of the vacuum-pressure flushing system. Removed by an emergency response
team upon landing, the irate woman filed a lawsuit against SAS Airlines.

"She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had
landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose," a SAS spokeswoman told
Reuters.








A typical Airbus toilet. This lavatory features a convenient folding table for changing your baby.





Upon reading about this unfortunate airline passenger, I felt a deep, unexpected,
journalistic urge growing within me. It grew long and stiff, and it pointed north, at
my destiny: I must attempt to replicate this woman's ordeal with my own ass, and
discover if her story was factual, or if she was just a lawsuit-hungry publicity whore.

Last week, I boarded a JetBlue A-320 airbus, with all the nervousness of a
three-legged cat at the Westminster Dog Show. If my quivering buttocks could indeed
form an airtight seal around the toilet, and I could muster up the cojones to flush,
would my bowels be whisked out of my unsuspecting rectum in an agonizing,
blood-spattered, intestinal gore-gasm?

Such were the thoughts percolating in my forebrain, as I stepped into the aircraft
restroom, and slid the lock home, so the little sign would read "occupied." I stared
at the toilet, and my anal sphincter hiccuped in trepidation. Or maybe that was
flatulence. I recalled an anecdote that my brother, an airline pilot, had told me. He
was in the restroom mid-flight, and flushed the toilet on a 50-passenger United Express
jet. To his amazement, a wad of toilet paper that had been sitting on the floor rose
into the air, and hovered for the entire duration of the flush. What incredible
sucking power! Were my intestines soon to resemble pulled pork?

Thankfully, I realized after a moment that my fears were unfounded. Upon closer
examination of the seat, I discovered that with the toilet seat down, it would be
absolutely impossible for a man of my stature to achieve an airtight bond with the
bowl. I also discovered a few pubes.

Like most home toilets, the seat had small
protective plastic nodules on its ventral surface, thus creating about a half inch of
space between the seat and the rim of the bowl itself. This space would certainly
prevent anyone from becoming physically affixed to the toilet through the suction of a
vacuum-pressure flushing system.

Thus, I happily dropped my shorts, and gave my colon the green flag. At this
point, I asked myself, "How could this woman's claims possibly be valid?" I came up
with only three far-fetched possibilities:

  1. The woman was sickeningly obese, and was sitting on the rim of the toilet, not using
    the seat.
  2. The woman was sickeningly obese, was using the seat, and her malleable fat-rolls
    somehow managed to plug up the space between the seat and the rim.

  3. The woman was sickeningly obese, and was sitting on the sink with the faucet up her
    butt (the sink also has a vacuum-pressure disposal system).

  4. As I finished my transaction, I noticed that the JetBlue restroom was the finest
    I'd ever seen on an aircraft. Roomy, comfortable on the eyes, and relatively fluffy
    toilet paper.

    Little did I know at the time, but a subsequent news story had just been released,
    explaining that the woman's story was a hoax. But I'm not convinced. I think it's a
    cover-up of Watergate proportions. Perhaps SAS airlines has faulty toilet seats, and
    the next victim is only an innocent flush away. After all, SAS did verify the story
    when it happened.

    I'll leave the detective work to the National Airline Transportation
    Safety Board. But for your bunghole's sake, take away this valuable lesson: always
    stand up before flushing on an aircraft. We have enough to worry about in the skies
    these days, and a mutilated rectum shouldn't be one of them.

    -- Colon Bowell

    Editor's Note: The Discovery Channel has conclusively tested Mr. Bowel's hypothesis.

    21 Comments on "Airline Toilets and Vacuum-Sealed Asses: A PoopReport Investigation"

    doniker's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    I am always already up on my feet when I send my feces to their final resting place, so this is something I don't need to be worried about.

    Marina Anussina's picture
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    I think the woman was likely morbidly obese and simply got stuck in the crapper after squeezing her bulk through the narrow door, those spaces are tight enough for normally sized people, always wondered how the 2-seater sized people manage on long flights...vaccuum stuck to seat is probably an attempt at saving face by pretending the vaccuum sucked her lardy ass to the seat rather than the truth that she could not pour her bulk back thru the door having once crammed it in there to begin with....

    G Ras's picture
    l 100+ points
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    Even if the woman was sickeningly obese, you would think she could still spread her fat pig legs and break the hold that suction had on her. If she was so fat that pitching her legs at a 45 degree angle couldn't create an air space, they should have thrown her off the plane while in flight... toilet and all. Historically, people that have serious problems with toilets are morbidly obese and have no right to live... let alone clog our court system with frivolous lawsuits. Peace G Ras

    Perhaps I am an asshole and so much time has pass you probably won't even read this .... but in my defense.... this site is all about funny stuff that happens to us about shit in the course of everyday living.... and may I say in my story I too got shit

    Joe C's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    No, they couldn't do that. Many plane crashes are caused when the "load" shifts, causing instability, and the controls of the plane can't adjust, causing it to plummet.

    agent #2's picture
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    well done, fine poop jurnalistic work.

    Dr. Matt's picture
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    Colon Bowell: Excellent work on the data gathering end of the experiment! As you documented, the only real flaw is the fact that your firm, well-tanned rump (or so I would imagine)couldn't form the proper seal. I believe that consideration must be given to the fact that this was a JetBlue airline commode. We must get our hands (and posteriors)on a SAS crapper. Maybe they are not as advanced as their JetBlue counterparts. This could lead to an important marketing strategy for our friends at JetBlue.

    Nothing Snappy's picture
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    IT's a hoax or whatever.

    But what if....

    Would her pretty pink insides be extracted by the reverse pressure?

    even an inch?

    Rob Death's picture
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    nice report!

    This might be a cure for constipation: sit on an airplane toilet (so as to create an airtight seal) and flush; thus letting the difference in pressure suck the feces from your intestines.

    cathleen's picture
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    I think the overall comments by people here are disgusting. I came in on a search for airline news stories only to find people talking about how obese people don't deserve to live. Do you know that over 25% of Americans are considered obese? or that it only takes a few pounds difference from "normal" weight to be considered obese? it sickens me that people are so prejudiced when half of the people in here making comments are probably technically obese.

    fungus's picture
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    Yep.

    Technically obese.

    Its more like 80%.

    I fear for those turbo toilets that flush at an alarming rate. I am a big fatso and I would never think of taking the Browns to the SuperBowl on a plane. I would rather crap my pants than get stuck on a toilet...

    Thanks for listening.

    Peter's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Dear Poop,

    I've just performed the experiment for a Discovery Channel Documentary on Urban Myths. We obtained a Vacuum toilet operating at 3 psi. We used an average male ass and a 300 lbs synthetic butt.

    What we discovered is that the seat and shroud are specifically designed to avoid this calamity. Even if these are removed the most that will happen is a simulated fart. However...

    During research for the program we discovered that it might be possible for catastrophic suction to occur in the older style flushin toilets. These have a holding tank filled with blue disinfectant. Each has an outlet valvue connecting to the exterior of the aircraft. It might be possible for a foreign object to jam this valve. With the pressure differential at 30,000 feet you can imagine the rest.

    Has this second scenario ever happend? We'll you'll just have to watch out for the show when it screens in Febuary 2003

    Judy's picture
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    You are a very rude person. I hope one day you blow up so big your eyes swell shut!! I would much rather be big So I did not look like a walking Q-TIP.

    sans's picture
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    You don't know what the hell you are talking about and to the idiot who said that morbidly obese people need to die, maybe idiots like yourself need to take a fistful of prozac and call it a day. How dare you wish death on anyone. You don't know the circumstances for that person's condition. I found this site by accident and I plan on never coming back to it again. God, save us all!

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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    I have always had a morbid fear of things like this. When I was very young (maybe about 2 or 3) there was a freak accident at a neighborhood pool where a little girl sat on a swimming pool drain. The anti-vortex cover had been knocked off the drain and her intestines were sucked into the sewer system. Since I heard that story so long ago I don't get into a swimming pool or hot tub unless I know where all the suckers and drains are. If I can't tell, I don't go. This whole story of sucking toilets gave me the chills. It just goes to show you should never SIT on a public toilet when you crap or pee.

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    Toilet  Paper's picture
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    I love this website! I love POOP!

    Fart Poopie's picture
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    Holy Crap!!! There's a plug in here for MythBusters!!! Love that show!!!

    Francizek's picture
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    Are you sure that this is not a Polish joke?

    DrLove0378's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    The airplane toilet story was bullshit, but I'm afraid TSV was telling the truth. It's just one of things that's so shocking, that you would have been better off not hearing about it at all. I'll never forget that episode of 20/20, where I first heard about that freak pool drain accident.

    Google "Valerie Lakey" and/or "John Edwards" (the two will forever be ambiguated), but *don't say I didn't warn you.*

    The situation, as I understood it, meant she would *never again* be able to eat as the rest of us normally would. It seems she can take food by mouth now, combined with IV nutrition, but she's still in really bad shape.

    Among the Google search results, I found Ms. Lakey's blog/art gallery on deviantART... wow. I'm surprised she's still living. On the recent entry, I read something about a "STEP procedure." I Googled that also, and came up with "Serial Transverse Enteroplasty", which is supposed to add length to the intestines. While it can't restore the original bowel length (unless performed multiple times,) it can provide enough length so that a normal oral diet can be tolerated.

    Will it improve her situation? It may be mentioned in a news blurb sometime in the near future...

    Poopgirl's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    I stand up before flushing anyway, don't you?
    Poop on!

    -Poopgirl

    Poop on!

    -Poopgirl

    DrLove0378's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Yep, sure do. That's pretty much the only way you can admire your creation. "Come'n heer an lookit this afore I flush it!"

    If I ever have to use the shitter on an airplane, I certainly hope there's enough room for me to at least stand up in there...

    Maybe there's a good reason that this topic hasn't been touched in a year, and maybe there isn't. Sorry for the derailment, folks. We now return to our regularly scheduled thread.

    too embarrassed's picture
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    Okay so I just arrived back from an airplane trip, wondering if I should be making a Dr.'s appointment after remaining seated while flushing. I felt like I had just receive a hysterectomy mid flight and have not felt right since the incident. There were no signs in the washroom suggesting not sitting while flushing so I think a lawsuit could be in order depending on whether or not my innards are still intact. Ouch I say!