On November 27, The Shit Volcano wrote: In my household, after several shots of spiced rum, we got into a debate and could not settle on an answer. Question: if a whole turd was tossed into space, what would happen to it? Would it burn up in the atmosphere, or just freeze solid and become another piece of space junk? Would the turd still be there in twenty years? Yes, it is a stupid debate, I know. But I would love to hear what everyone at PoopReport thinks. Thanks for the help with this ridiculous question.
Recently, she sent in this follow-up:
This is The Shit Volcano again. In case you have been lost in the myriad of turd questions, stories, and other items that come to your email, you may have forgot my recent question about launching a turd into space. My sister, Heather, who lives near Cape Canaveral, recently compiled information on the results of turd launch experiments. See the following attachment...
Date: Sat, 6 Dec 2003 10:36:45 -0500
From: Heather M. Volcano <***@***.rr.com>
To: The Shit Volcano <****@yahoo.com>
Subject: Turd Launch
Scientific breakdown of a turd space launch from someone on the Space Coast of Florida...
Number One: Squish Ratio
The hardness and density of the turd must be taken into account for the trajectory of the launch. The harder the turd and the more solid, the better. (This will be explained later.) Unfortunately, corn turds are not possible, as the corn chunks are hollow and would therefore collapse on launch, causing a turd to radically implode. I should warn you, this is not pretty. Picture, if you will, a large tootsie roll caving in and sucking itself inside out. This is what happens, and I tell you -- corn chunks will get everywhere, including the open orifices of any astronauts traveling with it.
Soft feces is also out of the question -- unless, of course, you prefer diarrhea in a cylinder, which would actually be the most stable transport feces. Just be sure to leave some expansion room in the cylinder.
Number Two: Launch Factors
Turd size and shape also need to be taken into account. Long, thick turds, with a relatively smooth surface, would create the least friction in the air during launch. Even more useful would be a turd with pointed ends -- aerodynamically, this would provide an added boost for launch. Some sort of shaped protective casing would have to be provided; else the turd would burn up on exiting the atmosphere. However, turds are actually often an ideal shape for space launch -- note the shape of old rockets, and you will understand the science of it.
In fact, turds are launched every day under immense pressure and don't break up -- although it has not yet been determined if turds would fare better with their traditional gas-powered launch mechanisms, or with the standard NASA solid rocket fuel.
Number Three: In Space, Orbit Factors
The relative speed of an orbiting turd would have to be a great deal slower than the Space Shuttle or orbiting space stations. This is because the mass is substantially less -- at least it should be, unless it is a turd of Zeus. Mythology aside, the density and size of the turd will once again come into play. Too small a turd and it will just sink back into the atmosphere. Too large a turd and it will break up on launch. A high-fiber, well-bound, extra flexible, medium-large size turd would be ideal. It can take impacts of launch and would provide an optimal orbit speed ratio.
Unfortunately, orbiting turds would be difficult to maintain intact. If it were in a close Earth orbit, the turd would remain relatively warm (for space). In a far Earth orbit, it would freeze and become extremely hard. At this point, a turd flying at this rate of speed becomes a deadly projectile. If orbit is calculated accurately so there is no orbital degradation, the turd could remain in orbit indefinitely, until it makes contact with some outer space debris. In this case, the turd would break up into chunks in near Earth orbit, or into small particles of turd dust in far Earth orbit.
If the turd is not on a proper orbital path, it will then most likely not survive long in space. There are many other orbiting bodies around the Earth and the turd could easily make contact with them. This event is called a TTSCC Event -- or Turd To Satellite Catastrophic Collision.
The results of the collision depend on what the other orbiting body is. Most often, the results are fatal for the turd and any bacterial astronauts on board. If the turd is in far Earth orbit, death is instant, as the turd will, as before, break up into small dust particles. Near Earth orbital turds would have a much more traumatic event -- some of the larger remaining chunks may have bacteria still living on board. There is not yet a procedure to rescue the surviving bacteria.
Number Four: Long Distance Space Travel Turds
Even if one managed to harness gravity to slingshot a turd at the speed necessary to break orbit from the Earth and then avoid the sun's gravity, the turd would most likely be pulled in by the gravity of another space body. When and where this would happen depends on your calculations, and also your luck. If turd space launch ever became common, we would have more data on the results of long-term turd space travel.
However, we currently only have the data from those brave turds that came before us, in the vacuum suck toilets of NASA Space Shuttles, Mir, and the new International Space Station. These brave turds should be honored for their courage, as they are born, live and die in the depth of space.
