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Back From The Brink Of (Rectal) Disaster

Posted 09.06.2006 by Fudgepump (366)
I was a faithful PoopReport visitor and occasional commentator (does "Fudgepump" ring a bell?) in the 2003-2004 timeframe, but drifted away from the site in late 2004. I recently decided to check back in with PoopReport and I'm pleased to see the site flourishing and that many of the names I recall from '03-'04 are still actively squandering their precious time pondering poop (TBW, Daphne, Ty, C. Everett, etc.). Count me back among the time wasters as well.

The disaster referenced in the title of this missive refers to my recent experience with rectal cancer. I was diagnosed in April 2005. Following chemotherapy and radiation treatment, I had successful surgery on August 30 of that year. The recent one-year anniversary of my surgery got me thinking about PoopReport once again -- after all, the philosophical contemplation of defecation is never more poignant than when one has faced the possibility of never defecating again (in the traditional sense, at least). Thanks to my surgeon and seven hours on the operating table, I still possess a nearly normal digestive tract that empties as it was designed, rather than into a colostomy bag.

My experience with poop over the last eighteen months has varied from fear (lots of pain in the pre-treatment months) to the sublime (the gradual return to nearly normal function over the past year). The stories on PoopReport are often most entertaining in their description of the extremes of one of our most fundamental processes, and rightly so. My post-surgical experience has led me in the opposite direction -- one with no entertainment value. Call it the Zen of Poop, perhaps: the appreciation of a completely uneventful visit to the throne. The joy that can be found in the mundane. The return to near-normalcy has freed me once again to enjoy PoopReport's accounts of pooping en extremis.

Let me close with a word to the wise. Do not do as I did -- e.g. rationalize, ignore, lie to yourself, and so on. If something doesn't seem right in the nether regions, get a checkup! The colonoscopy procedure is a breeze -- the colon prep the day before is the worst part. The cleansing protocol using a prescription laxative called Miralax makes even the prep work fairly easy, though. Ask for it by name. Trust me on this point -- I've had three butt-scopes in the last eighteen months, and the (nearly) tasteless Miralax is the way to go. If your doctor insists on the technique that forces you to drink a gallon of a vile material called Colyte, find another doctor! I had to drink Colyte for my first colonoscopy, and it makes Mountain Dew Pitch Black seem like Dom Perignon by comparison.

With that, I'll sign off -- the kids are telling me they're ready to go to the pool. I look forward to an uneventful experience.

SamDamnit (1192) -- 09.06.2006

Welcome back. Fudgepump. I can only imagine not having my regular poop parties in the morning. You must have been horrified at the very thought of it. I am glad things are working out (so to speak).
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Double Flush (598) -- 09.06.2006

I'm glad to see you back around and registered! I too was a guest for a long time before I grew a spine and signed up, inspired by a good poop but not one worthy of a story.

I'm thankful for you that your digestive tract could be saved and that you are having pretty easy experiences with your medical procedures. My poops are the same as yours, most of the time--uneventful. I hope to see you back around soon. Happy PoopReporting!

_______
Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Fart Poopie (1254) -- 09.06.2006

Welcome back, Fudgie.

DungDaddy (1369) -- 09.06.2006

Fudgepump. I'm so glad you're doing well. Just hearing about this kind of stuff makes us all grateful for our butts.

Welcome back.

Great comment! +1 point
daphne (3514) -- 09.06.2006

It is so nice to see your name again. You know, I think that you should be some sort of official spokesperson on this for every person who writes in saying "I'm bleeding from my butt and don't know what to do. It's been going on for a week solid."

These people worry me sometimes. When I have to OK a comment from a poster who's not verified and I see these types of comments, I usually try to post after them with some warning of hemmorhoids, fiber, or to get to a doctor. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I try to email them if the email works that they leave for us.

It would be nice to have some type of front page link that is labelled "If you are bleeding from your butt, click here NOW." and then it would bring the site surfer to a page full of stories like this one, posted especially for the purpose of explaining why these people should visit a doctor or not be afraid to call their health care providers, and it would be a page that would not accept comments. I know we have "ask motherload" and I like that very much (always have liked the poonurse idea), but some symptoms people attempt to pass off truly amaze me.

I think it's different to ask a question about white poop, funny discharge, green poop, or butt bumps than to inquire what to do when you're bleeding out the ass for days on end, even when you haven't just pooped.

I hope you stick around from now on and continue to contribute to the site. Big cyber hug from a professional time-waster........

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 09.07.2006

Nice to meetcha. Glad you're still Pumping Fudge, there!

My favorite part of your essay is the Miralax recommendation. We've heard enough about Colyte to strike fear and dread into any Poop Reporter anticipating a siggy/colonoscopy.

If I ever have to do that, I'll remember to insist upon Miralax! Thanks for the heads-up.

Anomalous Coward (690) -- 09.07.2006

Glad to hear you're doing well. Welcome back.

_______
"Vini, Vidi, Vomiti" (we came, we saw, we got sick on the plane")

Fudgepump (366) -- 09.08.2006

Thanks to all for the nice comments. Sam, you're right: the prospect of dumping into a bag for the rest of my life WAS the most daunting (at first). But by the time surgery day rolled around, I had relegated that concern to second place behind my main interest: remaining alive! This whole cancer deal has a mental aspect to it that, in some ways, equals the physical challenges. Seeing a young soldier with two legs blown away by an IED provides a megadose of perspective, so by Aug 30 '05 I had concluded I could do a colostomy bag standing on my head (although come to think of it, that could get a little messy).
Daphne: in the whole six months before I finally got myself to a doctor, I only had 2 very minor bleeding episodes. That was one of the factors that allowed me to lie to myself for as long as I did: "I'm not bleeding, so it must only be..." (fill in the blank). Stress; lactose intolerance; IBS: you name it, I rationalized it. It was sheer pain that finally forced my hand last April. Pumping blood (rather than fudge) would have had me RUNNING to a gastro-enterologist (I think...I hope...).
GGGirl: I'm glad the Miralax tip struck a chord. That's the main reason I wrote about my experience. The idea that I could pass on something useful is really gratifying. I've gained some hard-earned insights over the last year or so, and if I can help someone else get their (aching) ass to a doctor by demystifying the process, or making it easier to handle, that's FANTASTIC!

Fecal Follies (167) -- 10.31.2006

I've had a couple of colonoscopies myself now; the first one thankfully caught something benign that had a 90% chance of becoming cancerous.

(The second was, uh, clean as a whistle.)

I haven't heard of the prep agent that Fudgepump recommends. My surgeon has his patients down three does of magnesium citrate at 2 hour intervals.

nasty Nasty NASTY stuff that is (imagine a 7Up with about 1/4 cup of salt added to an 8 oz glass). However, it's a lot better to down three cold bottles of those than a gallon of Golightly!

The Shit Volcano (3737) -- 10.31.2006

Oh, wow! I was away from the site when this was posted. I'm so glad you're back, Fudgy, because I actually did miss you when you were gone. Congratulations on recovery from ass cancer! Here's to a million years of remission!

_______
If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

Fudgepump (366) -- 11.23.2006

FF; I also had to use the mag citrate prep, for c-scope #2. I agree with you - it's just as foul as Colyte, but you don't have to gag down nearly as much. As for the Miralax; the name on the manufacturer's label is Glycolax (polyethylene glycol powder). Using this stuff is as easy as drinking water, IF you can convince your surgeon to let you use it. I suppose medical professionals are creatures of habit, no more or less than the rest of us; how else to explain why some of them remain wedded to medieval protocols or procedures? I wouldn't presume to debate the merits of a particular surgical technique but, come on, doc...we're talking about emptying my colon for chrissake!

healthy 1 (1423) -- 11.23.2006

I am happy that the procedure went well for you Fudgie.

Just the word Cancer, stikes fear into most people. Here's to a cancer free remainder of your life.

Here's a tip: your chances of remaining cancer free will be greatly increased if you keep your diet as alkaline as possible.
www.ph-ion.com/index. I use this stuff in part for IBS prevention, and it works well.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

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