Let it out, eh? I just ate a bowl of 15-bean soup! Careful what you ask for...

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Good Lord, Lord! Your tactic of hoping that your girlfriend will enjoy fondling your shit encrusted tackle is unsound. No wonder you have a lot of exes.

Eh... I think you're reading a little too much into the simple process of evacuating waste.

Good luck with finding a woman that embraces you and your crapped pants. It doesn't sound romantic to me.

I agree with SP, your choice of mates might be limited to warthogs, and dung beetles.

IF I'm reading the Lord correctly, his tongue in cheek reference to pants shitting and first dates is a poke at a recurring theme in previous stories he had read...and I appreciate the humor in it.

I think we need to consult Miss Manners as to what is acceptable on first, second, third dates etc. I think shitting in the pants has to be up there a bit, although definitely acceptable after marriage.

PD, I don't think you can have a hard and fast rule regarding loading of the britches and dating, as the variables involved are overwhelming. Is your date trailer trash and did you take her to the Ozark Mountain Chili and Moonshine Festival? In this instance, not only would a first date pantload be acceptable, I would assume it would be required.

I agree, premature defecation would be the norm. Perhaps during the bobbing for pigs feet competition.

Its almost a certainty in the "Squeal Like a Pig" Marathon as well.

Now THIS is a shameless shitter that REALLY takes things to extreme. I am not so sure that any father would approve of his daughter marrying a guy who takes dumps that would gag a maggot. And crapping your pants whilst on a date well thats a bit too much and borders on extreme insanity. But thats ME.....
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Argh! Now I'm confused! Did Lord P mean that its not good form to not shit one's pants? Or did he mean that its not socially unacceptable to not shit? Or is it not to knot shit, or should one knot one's shit?
I have never cacked my daks on a first date or any other for that matter.
Is this right?
Is this wrong?
Please! I've only been married for 20 years, and I need to know if I'm doing something wrong, and she'll leave me!

BM, I suggest you start slowly. Maybe wet your pants at the supermarket. A shart or two at a Chinese restaurant. If she seems to enjoy this, try a small dump whilst wearing a Speedo at the beach. It's up to you.

ooh...
Choking a loaf into a pair of Speedos.
Did you know that they're known here as "budgie smugglers"?
I don't think it would be a very alluring sight to see a bloke on the beach with a bulge in the front AND the back.
Eewwww....

Great essay, and welcome, I'm new also.

"Despite urban interventions like "decorum" and "sex appeal", we have strived -- as a species -- to somehow incorporate defecation in our daily lives."
-Could it be, rather, that we strive to construct our daily lives around defecation? after all, poop is simply a fact of life, no "striving for incorporation" is necessary: A strong cup of coffee in the morning, a bran muffin, or the newspaper or crossword puzzle we bring into the stall in the afternoon, or consuming that new yogurt that makes you poop. Are these not some of the foods that we would not otherwise consume, or the activities that would not otherwise make-up our daily ritual, if we did not defecate at all?

"All these sneaky attempt to defecate are a testimony to our value as the dominant species on the planet as well as to the excremental nature of the ideologies we live by."
-Perhaps if we were less "sneaky" about defecating, and TRULY shameless shitters, our ideologies would be even more excremental. Think of farm animals, or the rabbits in the yard at dusk: They poop WHILE they are eating. consumption and expulsion, inextricably intertwined into one marvelous gastric ballet. Mother nature has endowed these shameless creatures' physiology with efficient bowels and powerful, exterior sphincters which eliminate the need even for toilet paper. They have no need for excremental ideologies, they are beyond them. They have no need to anticipate and plan for their next bowel-movement, for it is as unremarkable and near to them as their next breath.

"That place became like a second home to me after that, and I could stare my ex's father right in the eye and shake his hand like a man without so much as a tremor."
-Fascinating point about shitting in a particular place, thereby owning it. Marking ones territory, in a sense. I can understand your new-found confidence with your girlfriends father; You have shat where he has shat. You are equals. I have long believed that a guest isn't REALLY a guest in my home until that person has used my toilet.

PD, -"I think we need to consult Miss Manners as to what is acceptable on first, second, third dates etc. I think shitting in the pants has to be up there a bit, although definitely acceptable after marriage."

Interestingly, Miss Manners says: Though the exchanging of small, squeaky farts on a first date is acceptable, as well as the production of a single small, modest turd into ones own drawers as a symbol of intent, expelling an entire pantload on a first date is considered presumptuous.

Call me a traditionalist but, ripping an air biscuit in the car, sure I've done that, doing the ol' dutch-oven routine with a live in girlfriend, done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again, but shitting my pants on a date? Not going to happen.

Dudes and dudettes, you've got it all wrong. It's not about some strange kind of male bonding protocol involving shit. It's about boning his daughter. Putting the salami (or the vienna sausage whatever your size is) to her is a challenge for any father. No father wants to think of their little Samantha swap spit with some slimey no-gooder. And crapping in his watercloset isn't going to change his opinion either. And do you know why? Because he was a young man once and was slapping the salami to somebody else's daughter. He knows what you feel and what your intentions are. You've been had by experience.

No, the way to earn this man's respect is to make her happy and not get her knocked up. But if you've failed on one of those two counts, then the only thing left to do is to march into his crapper and pinch a mean loaf and leave it unflushed. At least then, he can feel sorry for your lack of breeding as he forbids his daughter to ever breathe in the same room as you while fetching the shooting iron.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

"the way to earn this man's respect is to make her happy and not get her knocked up."

Nonsense. It is far easier to poop in his toilet.

Is it just me or is anyone else getting a little creeped out lately?

Lord P`s been watching too many nature programmes on TV. As he can`t try to impress a potential mate by building a big nest, he`s taken to offering monster grogans to them instead.

"Hey babe, bet none of the other guys can lay as much cable as this in their skids...so, shall we shag now, or later?"

He probably marks his territory by pissing on the lamposts as well.

There are regions here in south Florida where pants-filling on a date is considered foreplay.

Guess it all depends upon where you're from, no?

Premature evacuation?

No wonder why my stepfather doesn't like my husband - he takes a nasty crap in their tiny bathroom each time we visit and he's always sure to leave skid marks in the bowl and never turn the fan on. Sometimes he even turns the heater up to bake that loaf's aroma a little more. Maybe he should shit himself when we visit them - maybe they'll leave us alone for life.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

This takes me back a ways. I will modify an old toilet ditty:

Here I sit all broken hearted tried to download but only farted.

Damn it, PD, you just made me spit on my keyboard!

Oh, and Lord. A TRUE shitting professional not only creates the big, stinky pretzel, but that pretzel is a no-wiper. (i.e. nothing to wipe) I have only achieved the no-wiper snake once in my life and it was amazing. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you ask) I never shared this accomplishment with anyone before I flushed it.

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Born right the first time.

Is a "no wiper" truly a no wiper when the only way to find out it made a clean get away is to "wipe" the starkiss?

True. That's one of those "one hand clapping" questions I suppose we'll never know.

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Born right the first time.

I admire your story. It was so well put together, If only I had the English skill you posses, I would compose a novel. I'd name it, Steve's Pooping adventures. Big props on the great story and how well you've put it together! Let it be known that you are not the only enlightened one! Many of us still exist to this day.

I am a very shameless shitter, I will poop anywhere at anytime, as long there is a clean bathroom, toilet paper, and privacy. When I first started dating Mrs. Shitake, I think it was only the second time I was ever at my in-laws' house, and I had to shit in the worst way. I knew that it couldnt wait until I got home. I told my then fiancee that I needed to poop, and I would be a while. It was then that I had realized that my in-laws would not think any less of me because I pooped in their bathroom. It was also then that I realized that I was comfortable around these people. There have been times that I pooped at someone's house that I was at for the first time. Last week, we were at my wife's friend's mother's house, and we had just had dinner at a local salad bar restaurant, and of course, all the roughage really goes through me fast, and couple that with IBS and the other meds that I am on, and I knew this shit could not wait. I excused myself, and asked where the restroom was, and I promptly took a full shit at this person's house. The feeling was great. I totally agree with the blogger who said "a guest isn't REALLY a guest in my home until that person has used my toilet" The same goes obviously for people who come to my house. We all do it, so why hide it. Poop until your heart is content. As far as my in-laws go, when I go to use their bathroom, I am often asked if there is enough toilet paper.

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In search of the ever evasive BM

Always remember to carry your cell phone with you, even into the shitter. The possibility you may create a big, stinky pretzel is why some genius put cameras in cell phones in the first place. You need to be able to record these historic moments.