MSG: no need to worry. Children learn all they need to know about colons, and their uses and functions, in English class.

I believe schools should employ the following practices and protocol:

1. Code brown: when feces are shed in a place other than a toilet. The code is called over the loudspeaker, the location is given, the surrounding areas are immediately evacuated, the hazmat team goes in and clears the damage, when the shituation has passed people can be called back in.

2. Expanded curriculum: a lecture (for one course credit) on the use of toilet facilities, proper hygiene, restroom ettiquette, tools and techniques to employ in various shituations.
A lab (for 3 course credits) putting the above into practice.

3. Poop sensitivity and awareness training: professionals give workshops and lectures to teachers and students about different cultures handling of poop, explanation of pooping related trauma, and promoting stewardship of the high school restrooms.

4. Certificate of study: (this would be for extra credit, or advanced placement credit, pending approval from Regent's board) One semester spent abroad in 3rd world countries, pooping like the locals. One semester working at a local fast food joint, cleaning restrooms. One semester at a waste water treatment facility, seeing what gets flushed. One semester working in a hospital or elderly care facility, wiping ass.

5. Say no to drugs: as part of the DARE program, the program could be expanded to cover laxatives and assmints. "Friends don't let friends give other friends ex-lax." "Today your friend shit his pants, tomorrow it could be you."

Employing the above guidelines and curricula should produce a well-rounded, solid student of character.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Shitting courses were never offered at my schools but I am able to twist off a big steaming Hillary every day without much effort.

Yeah C Everett - that nasty turd will definitely leave a mark.

Hey MSG - Maybe we should put together a podcast, some text message shortcuts and mobile messaging widgets regarding the subject matter. Our kids seem to get their info from those sources more so that the classroom...
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Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Ill be happy to produce any "educational videos" they could watch in school.

CEP, I assume that steaming Hillary is closely followed by a Brown Bill?

If we followed the course of action taken by the No Child Left Behind act, we would forget the curriculum and just mandate the testing of kids in grades 4, 8, and 12, threatening to close schools who can't turn out students with higher poop scores and cleaner asses. But before doing that, we'd need a new cabinet position -- Secretary of Poop. And I can't think of anyone more fitting for that "position" than C Everett, the proud, self-educated pooper. I hope Hillary or Barack will ask him.

Oh. I was thinking more along the lines of a Hot Karl.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Every kid should be taught how to properly clean and care for their cheney as a regular part of the health curriculum.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

It takes a village to create a lot of poop.

Whoa there!

No fucking way, and health class should be eliminated as well.

We graduate millions of kids who - though they are all up on sex - can't read, can't do math, don't have any economic sense, can't find Idaho or Europe on the map, don't know shit about history.

Teach 'em how to brush their teeth and wipe their ass at home. Look what public schools did to all the people who posted before me on this thread here.

Knowing the Pythagorean Theorem, knowing the difference between a particle and a participle and knowing the significance of the Treaty of Tortedillas are all irrelevant if you don't know how to properly wipe your cheney.

The latter is shit. The former are shinola. It is easier to get a job without knowing the former than it is without knowing the latter.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

DungDaddy claimed that many of our students "can't find Idaho or Europe on the map." I know where Idaho is, but I'm looking at my little pocket map of the US and can't find Europe. Is it the little dohicky to the right of Connecticut? And DD, I assume from your snide labeling of us all as public schoolers that you were, um, home schooled?

What a coincidence, CEP! I understand that Hillary drops a wet, splattery George every morning, which is followed by a couple of Reagans that cling to her asshair and she can't seem to wipe. I know that Bill ate some bad chicken the other night (I belive it was the right wing), and had the Karl Roves like you wouldn't believe!!

As for ciriculum, perhaps a manual for proper shitting standards and practices similar to those found on airplanes, could be provided. That would be sweet! The little shitters should learn to do so at home, but this may be one more social practice taught by teachers and the already overburdened school system.

Oh, and a class about how shit goes in the toilet, NOT the fitting room at the local department store.
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

You're going to get over, right Logjam?

Deja Poo, are you suggesting that everything, including wiping your ass, should be taught at school? Being able to walk enhances ones ability to get a job, but you learn that at home right?

See what I mean, Logjam?

Replace DungDaddy's references to student and insert the initials G.W.B. and it still reads as true.

For you people living in Latin America I will translate this into LATIN.

Restituo DungDaddy's references ut discipulus quod insert coepi G.W.B. quod is etiam lego ut verus.

Actually, DD, if a kid doesn't know how to wipe their ass by the time they get to school, the schools generally will be happy to teach them. While the vast majority of kids are already housebroken by the time they get to pre-K, some are not. For those kids, the schools will usually work with the parents. Unless, of course, the school's teachers and/or administrators are a pack of flaming cheneys.

However, by your argument, there's probably a whole slew of things that we shouldn't be teaching kids. Most kids know the alphabet and the numbers 1-20 by the kindergarten. Why waste valuable taxpayer dollars on that? And why should the school's teach kids to play nicely with other children when clearly that's the parents responsibility? Maybe we shouldn't teach kids about drugs either since that seems to be a parental issue as well.

Last but not least, language. Most kids learn language at home long before they get to school. If that's the case, why are we teaching kids English in school?

And, by the way, if your inability to walk interferes with your ability to access the general education curriculum, the schools are required by federal law to do something about it. It might be to make an accommodation (under the Americans with Disabilities Act, or ADA) or to provide occupational therapy, which might include how to walk, under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, or IDEA. Most parents with a school-age child with a disability are familiar with one or the other (or both) of these.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I guess political commentary is irrelevant now that both parties are running a democrat for president. Hillary is John McCain with fat ankles.

If free breakfast was seen along the same lines as health class we'd have alot of hungry kids here. There are more broken homes and neglected children in this area than I first realized when we moved here. I don't mind these little extras being taught or provided on my tax dime because a school system should be a source of comfort and stability at the same time as offering an education.

I hope health class is always offered. 3 out of 4 of the girls who get pregnant here at the high school were not allowed to take sex education in junior high. I got that strait from one of the guidance counselors. Just because it should be taught at home doesn't mean it is. Let's not make the kids pay for their parent's inability to parent; they're the ones who suffer in the long run. Maybe it helps to consider it this way. Would you rather kick out a few tax dollars for health class and sex ed or more tax dollars later on for the babies born to these uneducated children because they're going to burden the welfare system?

Fuck it. Feed them, wipe their asses, show them where their pooter holes are and what goes in them or on them to stop the babies from popping out. Do all of it. Just make sure they can do it themselves someday so I don't have to support them when they're 30 because they still haven't gotten it all strait.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Of course parents at home are theoretically the best source of information about everything the child needs to know. Practically, though, schools are here because parents are often absent or single, are too busy, or don't know some of the essentials. As far as pooping is concerned: Even on this site some people admit they are Shameful Shitters; out in the wide world I am sure many parents, once little child has learned to head for the potty when he/she needs to poop, think their job is done and have no desire to say anything more about it, likely from embarrassment. "Here, kid, use this when you're through," handing over a small wad of t.p. How hard can it be? So kids come to school with itchy cracks, assorted smells, and then the onset of -- yes -- peer pressure! Who wants to talk about pooping, except to snicker? Some kids may even be surprised that the other kids have to poop, too. The teacher can NEVER depend on a kid knowing a particular bit of knowledge; hence school. I certainly believe health classes fill a need, at least for some students. My question here is just what about pooping needs to be included: etiquette, techniques, hygienic factors, possible diseases and injuries (both to the digestive system and its outlet, and those indicated by as simple a matter as looking at the kids' own poop after a b.m.). I have learned a great deal about my digestive system after growing up, some of which would have been useful during childhood--and my parents were a nurse and a physician. In my health classes, all we got was "In the mouth, and out the rectum." Not enough. My folks never said much to me, because I never asked.

SO: The question remains: What would you include about pooping in a health class?

Wow, Deja Poo. I had no idea you could go on so long about such stupid crap.

If you can extrapolate my argument into the ridiculous, I'll do the same for yours: Clearly there should be nothing left out of school curricula. Every aspect of human behaviour should be covered in the schools, including drinking water and milk, blinking the eyes to keep them moist - but not too frequently, because that's just wierd, how to scratch when it itches, etc.

That's not what you were saying? Oh well, I imagined it anyway, 'cuz I was bored and I now I'm kicking your ass intellectually.

Oh, and something something something about Cheney. Can't beat that.

To C Everett: I disagree profoundly, I'm afraid. McCain is not a Democrat pretending to be a Republican. He's conservative where it counts - on economic issues, he wants lower taxes and lower spending - but socially liberal, which isn't at all incompatible with conservatism. Just because he isn't part of the religious right (unlike Huckabee, who's frankly insane) doesn't mean he isn't a real conservative. He's also a war hero; that ought to count for something IMO. (If I remember rightly, you yourself are in the Navy, and I would have thought you'd prefer to serve under a Commander-in-Chief who actually understands war, unlike most presidential candidates in history.)

Getting back to the main topic here. No, pooping should definitely not be taught in schools; this sounds like one of the most ridiculous manifestations of the liberal nanny state. It's for parents to teach their kids about using the toilet, in accordance with their own family's beliefs and traditions. The state education system should not impose one set of ideas on the whole country - that's rampant authoritarianism. Using the toilet is a private matter, not something needing government intervention. As Ronald Reagan perceptively pointed out, one of the most frightening sentences anyone can hear is "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help!"

This is more like it:

http://www.poopreport.com/BMnewswire/1260.html

Well if the dont have it by high school lets pray that they learn it in their freshman year of dorm life in college.

Some restaurants and bars post the sports or financial pages above the urinal. Why not the topic of the day?

We had the "Phonetic Alphabet" as well as the silhouettes of Warsaw Pact AFVs taped to the back of the stall doors in my barracks at Fort Knox. I found it a great place to learn since, at that point, I was pretty much a captive audience. (It was actually a "Symbolic Alphabet": alpha, bravo, charlie, etc., etc.)
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

"Can't we all just get along?" or "Stop the Insanity!"

Hillary is SATAN, Bill a pimp, Barrack a touchy feely muslim extremist, McCain a conservative who disappoints his fellow zealots, Bush a sincere and likeable dumbass, Cheney...well he's Darth Vader. What does that have to do with the dumb kid in class? He'll stink, eventually itch and the finally figure it out just like the rest of the world...GEEZ!

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Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Hello, folks, let's get back to the original question as asked. I have no more love for the nanny state than anyone else (see my query on automatic flush mechanisms), but you know, and I know you know, that health classes are taught already. My question was what would be good to include. At this point I'm sure they go over the main facts (food in, poop out), but they don't cover (as they most likely could in one class period or less) items like constipation, anal fissures, what laxatives are good for (and what they're not), and various other things. A typical college student might like to know that some symptom or other is (or is not) serious enough to see the doctor about--and seeing a doctor on campus is often neither easy nor cheap. I have seen levels of ignorance that could be greatly ameliorated by minimal additional information--information not really in my purview to give. I teach in a non-public school, so the state, nanny or otherwise, has nothing to do with this. I understand that sometimes ignorance is funny; but in this case, I think a little additional information could do a lot of people a lot of good.

Sorry, MSG, but I have to answer something posted above you.

Bush is a likeable and sincere dumbass whose latest budget is packed full of budget cuts he said he wouldn't be party to. He's cutting education spending, veteran benefits, both things he claims to support.

300 million for the No Child Left Behind bullshit (which, if you read it, really is bullshit), but 40 billion a month for Iraq. He projects 80 billion for the war next year, but he's spending 40 billion a month now. I find nothing likeable about this at all.

Then again, that might make sense to him - why waste an education on a future infantryman?

P.S. I fear the privatization of schools will continue to make public schools weaker, thus making a good education the privilege of the wealthy once more, ass-wiping class availability or not.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

"P.S. I fear the privatization of schools will continue to make public schools weaker, thus making a good education the privilege of the wealthy once more, ass-wiping class availability or not."

I have to agree 100% with you, daphne. There is NOTHING wrong with the public school system that can't be fixed with money. Treat teachers like the professionals they are (i.e incentives and a living wage so that college grads will actually want to teach, and not look at it as something to fall back on), repair aging buildings so that the pupils have a safe, healthy learning environment, and involve the families as much as possible. It pisses me off to no end that my tax dollars could go to providing vouchers to private schools that will become overcrowded and low-quality as some of the public schools the parents are trying to avoid. Also, what really chaps my ass is my taxes going to some kid's PAROCHIAL education. BTW, I don't have kids, but I was an Education major who changed to a minor.

Back to the thread--this is a topic that should definitely be taught in elementary school if at all. Maybe the kids could have a song circle involving songs about their chocolate starfish, and how to wipe front-to-back for girls. That would be cool. Any songwriters here on PR? Maybe a mascot? I once saw an excerpt from a potty-training video--a little creepy, but pretty hilarious. Perhaps something to that extent for the young 'uns?
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Please excuse my 11-year-old daughter from any of these NCLB poop education classes. It will just make her more curious about her body, it's functions, and other things we really don't want her to know or we already would have taught her. She has her bowl movement like clockwork every morning just before 7 a.m. at home and all peeing is suspended from that time on until she arrives home from middle school at 3:15 p.m. It's just a matter of discipline and our two girls have been taught that since they started kindergarten. They don't know what a school bathroom looks like because they haven't needed one due to the discipline each of them has exhibited. Those students needing instuction in wiping technique and ass-zit evaluation only make it easier for my daughters to achieve their perfect ACT score and maintain their 4.5 GPA.

Well, hell, and golly Gee! My SAT's were 1270. My GPA in high school was the equivalent of a 95.6 average. I have passed a Mensa test! Does that make my bladder superhuman? No.

One of the reasons my scores were so high was because I took senior Anatomy as a junior. One of the things about Anatomy was that we delved into the adolescent body - sex ed. But it wasn't just sexual education. We learned the differences between children, teenagers, and adults as far as the reproductive systems went. In my time, this included the urinary tract system.

According to basic human anatomy, the bladder of a student under the age 10 is close to half that of a normal human adult. I hope during this time, when your child was at school, that you held your bladder in a show of understanding for what you put your child through. But somehow, I don't think you did.

Congratulations! You have managed to not only pervert your kids in their lives towards public restrooms, but you might have injured their bladders and colons.

I congratulate you on the fact that when your child gets sick, or suffers from diarrhea, or happens to eat something that their digestive tract decides to get rid of quickly, that they will be unable to deal with the situation, or repercussions of said situation. Good for you! Your children, when their human organs suffer the basic common flu, will fail your upstanding level of expectation; and if, and when, they need to use public facilities, will react with the fear and loathing that only you - a poop nazi - can instill in their minds.

Kids are human beings, not projects. Shame on you.

If all this has fallen upon deaf ears, I reiterate my challenge - from now on, you don't pee or poo while she's in school either. Let's see how long you last.

Have a nice day.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This is to "Shits Happily in the Shadows" and to Daphne.

Firstly, you are wrong about private schools. The free market is inherently more efficient than the public sector, and, just as consumer choice and competition improve efficiency in all industries, so too parental choice improves efficiency in education.

Secondly, getting back to the thread topic, teaching kids about toilets in school is a really, really bad idea. It's inherently authoritarian. It should be kids' parents who decide how to bring them up, and how to teach them about something so intimate as using the toilet. The government should not impose one set of values and teach them to all kids in public schools. That's socialistic and tyrannical.

And to Daphne: I suspect "Meredith's Mother" is actually an internet troll intended to mock/satirise conservative parents. Such behaviour isn't particularly funny or clever, and I wouldn't advise you to rise to the bait by taking it seriously and replying.

Bush for President! Dick for Veep! and Colon for DefSec, these guys were the perfect follow up to my all time hero - Mr. "BJ's Don't Count".

Seriously, de-monopolization the current school system creates a competitive environment which will lead to lowered operating costs, improved incomes for teachers, improved infrastructures, enhanced curriculums, and a revival of creativity.
The best our politicians can come up with today is cut the music, teach enough reading and math to pass the 3rd and 8th grade tests and forget about college unless you have a trust fund or can run the 40 in 4 seconds. I say privatize it all and help foster creativity instead of simply housing our future poor and disheartened while we’re at work.

Hey Shits Happily – NO KIDS, SHUT UP! (jk, go make some babies)

Your comment about subsidizing parochial schools tells me you might be caught up in union rhetoric. Here’s how it really works. The majority of financing for education comes from property taxes. If you own a house, regardless of whether you have kids or not you are spending a big chunk on education. Guess what… this also includes those folks, who send their kids to parochial school. Those same parents, in an effort to provide their kids with an education of their choosing have sought and are occasionally afforded some tax relief to offset the cost of said schooling.

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Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

De-monopolizing (sorry)
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Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

_Howleykook, thanks matey, albeit I am actually an Apple engineer, I always ass-umed that a 'Podcast' was some form of transporting poop through the ether, thanks for wiping that up for me.

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i just cant work this one out????

Not part of the school curriculum, please, except incidentally in biology and health care classes. My boys learned it all from watching me doing my daily function, and, in the case of my younger son, it was backed up by watching his older brother. (I wouldn't have made him do that if he wasn't happy to do so. Ultimately it was my responsibility.)

If there are problems in when children get to school age, it is a social problem rather than an educational one. (I know that there isn't always a line of demarcation between the two, but teachers are trained to teach the subjects in which they are experts.)

Right from going to pre-school my kids knew that, after breakfast, cleaning their teeth and sitting with bare posteriors were a 'sine qua non'. They didn't have to be told.

I don't think we want this in the English school curriculum. Maybe as a remedial measure for a few children, but the vast majority don't want their time wasted like this.

I don't think I agree with Meredith's mother about the girls 'holding on' to urine until they get home.

One part of a child's education into LIFE is to use school 'bathrooms' (as the Americans call it.) My children have no hang-ups about this. They will use public facilities (even though sometimes they say wish they had taken a clothes peg in to put on their nose!

I would commend to Meredith's mother the thread 'Parents without hang-ups.' Especially the comment by Hamster (currently the last comment on the thread).

http://www.poopreport.com/Intellectual/parents_without_hang_ups.html

I'm a high school student in the USA. Of my 5 closest friends, 3 hold their pee and crap until after school each day. It's not the fault of the headmaster and other managers at our school, but students of both genders just don't know how to conduct themselves in public bathrooms. My guyfriend has been on the toilet crapping and in the next stall a boy comes in, DROPS the seat, and deliberately pees all over it and the floor. The floor was not level and some of the pee started running under my friend's shoes. He thinks such acts are anti-social behavior done out of rebellion against the school and its management. As for me, I only use the toilets as a LAST resort. It was about three weeks ago that I last peed at school and a month since I crapped. It was right after lunch, I had been constipated for three days, and I had taken a laxative just before leaving school that morning that I was thinking would work later that afternoon. Well it came on faster than I expected, and while I put a layer of paper over the seat and half filled the bowl, I didn't feel good about having to sit so gingerly on the seat. It just wasn't comfortable and I got splashed pretty good when my crap hit the water. My friends and I hang-out and do homework at one anothers' house after school. Quite a bit of toilet paper is used because we prefer to hold our toilet needs until that time.

I work at McDonald's from 4 to 10 p.m. each day after school. I also crap each day at McDonald's right after I arrive at work. Holding my crap in isn't easy but it's a necessity. No person in their right mind would want to sit down on one of our school toilets. First, each restroom has about a dozen urinals and 8 toilets. There are no doors on any of the stalls. More of the guys are using the stalls to urinate than ever before. Yesterday, while I walked to the urinals, there were three boys in stalls standing peeing and since they didn't lift the seat first, each of the seats was probably dripping. Secondly, the adventureous fools who do sit down to shit (and they tend to be the freshmen who don't know any better) are often hassled so bad that some just pull their jeans up and give up. Third, those sitting down to shit had better not try and flush the full bowls of shit and pee first because the toilets often back up. There was one special needs kid who got a real wake-up call on that a couple of weeks ago. I felt sorry for him, but like my sister, who is 15 says, even the girls rooms are bad and nothing's likely to get better. I joke with my shift supervisor at McDonalds that in addition to my food discount, the use of the bathroom is part of my "benefit package".

Shit-Filled Senior. It's a crime, really, that schools are providing this sort of service for students who are basically held captive there all day. (The staff, of course, enjoy their own facilities.) On the other hand, your school system deserves some credit for turning out students, like you, who can so capably express themselves in writing. Hold on another few months, and then you'll be able to shit in peace pretty much anytime you please. And I hope you'll forgive us for not doing better by you.

Nicely stated Logjam...my first instinct is to shoot teenagers on sight...but you, thinking more of what this fella dealt with, and came through, and is still able to express himself reasonably intelligently, make me see that I should be more discerning, maybe just shooting every third teenager on sight.

My son sits on the toilet every day at school. We only discovered this when his mum found that the toilet roll only needed replacing once a month in the bathroom which he uses. Before, he got through a roll in less than a fortnight. She asked me to have a word with him about this. (Only about a year ago he shouted for me - "Don't you come, Mum", because he had run out of toilet paper while he was wiping his bottom. So I had to go in with a fresh roll.) We wondered if he had constipation which might indicate a serious bowel problem and he might need to see the doctor.

So I tackled him about this and he was very 'grown-up' about it: 'Don't worry Dad - I'm still very regular. But since I moved to secondary school I have to leave the house earlier, and I can't do it at an earlier time.'

When he went to the local primary school, from the age of 5 to 11, the school was only 5 minutes' walk away. I had taught him a routine when he was younger, and he learned to manage this himself. After breakfast, he got his bag ready for school, left it in the hallway by the front door, and adjourned to his bathroom. A few years ago when I was training him, I looked on a number of websites, and came across the expression 'Teeth and Trousers Down' - TTD, which became an expression we used. (I can't find the origin of that expression now.) The two vital acts before going to school were cleaning his teeth and opening his bowels, in that order. So he still has a regular pattern, cleaning his teeth at home, but doing his Number Twos at the same time he has always done, but in a different place. He says he has tried to alter his routine by 'sitting' for a few minutes at home doing something useful eg revising for a test, or reading a book, but he hasn't had any success so far.

He has very good attitudes - having a shower religiously every morning when he gets up. He loves showering.

Fortunately, the toilets at his new school are very clean, at least first thing in the morning - though there are no locks and the doors don't all shut properly. But he says that personal health and personal standards are more important than pride. I said to him, 'So you drop your trousers, not your standards.' He laughed at that, and told his best pal. He said 'If I had taken some toilet paper from home, the amount which I use each day, you and Mum would never have known. But that would have been stealing'. I am dead proud of my 12-year old.

His best pal attends an independent school in a neighbouring town, and has the same problem of not being able to 'go' before he leaves the house. The toilets at his school are absolutely atrocious, and he goes to the ones in the 'bus station.

WTF? why should we waste tax dollars on that, when we could use it on books or somthing kids need to know about.

i think some people would argue that one of your most important bodily functions is something that kids need to know about.

when you've been here longer, you might come to realize the importance of being a little bit familiar with the ol' digestive system. just check out the Ask Poonurse section.

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i love poop.