Hate The Demodex!

// // 52 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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I don't know how many times I've read Taro Gomi's Everyone Poops to my little son, but enough to know that the humanist philosophy undergirding it is very similar to the basic unifying theme of PoopReport.

"Everyone eats, so everyone poops," Gomi reminds us. Pooping is not disgusting, it's not an aberration, it's not something to be shameful of or weird about. Pooping is the common shared not only by every human, but by every animal. We all eat, so we all must poop.

It's a beautiful message in a time when poop still has such a stigma attached to it. For some reason we as a society have managed to maintain a Victorian prudery regarding all things fecal. Literally hundreds of euphemisms have been developed in order to skirt around excremental discourse. 2.6 billion people in this world don't have adequate plumbing and run the risk of getting sick or dying from drinking focally contaminated water -- in part because the taboo has undercut the urgency of the issue in places where these discussions can make a difference, like the UN or the World Bank. That's why PoopReport and Everyone Poops are so refreshing. They both offer frank acknowledgement of the fact that everything has assholes and everything poops out of them.

Actually -- not everything.

If ever there was a villain to PoopReport, it would be the Demodex. For those who aren't entomologists or who have never had eyelashes infestations, the Demodex is a microscopic mite that lives on the fur of dogs and the eyelashes of humans. And while the Demodex is otherwise unremarkable, it is the only animal I know of that doesn't poop.

Its digestive system is so efficient that the mite has evolved to the point where it no longer has an anus. It doesn't poop. It feasts on oils at the base of our eyelashes and, like some über-efficient fantasy machine, uses every bit of the fuel it takes in without any waste.

In other words, this disgusting little translucent mite thinks it's better than us. It sits above our eyes and mocks us because we poop and it doesn't. It's so perfect that it doesn't think opinions are like assholes. It arrogantly munches on our eyelash oils and infests our dogs.

Screw you, Demodex! You, with your holier-than-thou pooplessness! You may be a gastroenterological miracle, but you're nothing more than a parasite to me. You may turn Taro Gomi's cool story into a lie and may be one of the biggest causes of folliculitis, but we can pretty much kill you with strong doses of tea tree oil.

Go to hell, Demodex.

52 Comments on "Hate The Demodex!"

Dave's picture
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When he submitted it, Fenfa wrote: "If I had the know-how, I'd design a t-shirt with a red line striking through an image of the demodex, but I don't."

I'll bet some of you readers do. You can find more bone-chilling images of the horrid demodex on Google Image Search. Create a t-shirt design and email it to me or Daphne; we'll post it here and turn the best one into a PoopReport t-shirt!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Excellent report, Fenfa! That picture looks like a scary dildo.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I thought this story was going to be about diuretic urination. It was even better. Dildo with a screw end is what it looks like to me.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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You're holier than thou pooplessness.... funny shit. I wish I was more computer inclined I would design a shirt, but alas I am not.
Go to hell Demodex!
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

LolitaCassiePoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Now someone should write a tribute to the sea cucumber for a positive turn on things. You can't tell it's asshole from it's face. It moves kind of like those weird plastic liquid filled things they sometimes sell in kids stores, those things that just fall through you fingers. Anyways, if poop report is going to have a nemesis organism, it should also have a spokes-organism! Bunnies should also be considered because they ALWAYS poop... And cows with their cow chips... Hmmm... just something to consider!

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points
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Well damn, I'm kind of worried now. I have both dogs and eyelashes. And I've never even heard of this little creature. I thought I was efficient because I could poop right after I ate without having to waiting like everyone else, but to not have to poop at all, that's crazy. I'm gonna have to see if I can't find some images and try the t-shirt idea.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I am relieved that a creature that lives above my eyes does not shit. Thank you demodex!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I think I might have a mutant demodex living in my eyelashes. I just noticed some shit on the end of my nose.

Cancel that. It was just a booger.

luvkimchee's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I think it would be wonderful not to have to poop: kids wouldn't need any diapers, neither would the elderly, no dirty restrooms... sounds good to me!

P.S.: Doesn't tea tree oil irritate your eyes?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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You imply that it, or its ancestor, once had an anus and that it lost it via evolution. That would imply, I believe, that having an anus (even if they didn’t use it) was somehow disadvantageous. Heck, you might have thought that they would have kept it around if only for butt sex and binge eating.

Logjam

FreeMarketPooper's picture
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"...places where these discussions can make a difference, like the UN or the World Bank" The only differences the UN effects in in the personal worth of UN officials and their henchmen. If you find yourself without a pot to poop in and are waiting for the UN to rescue you, well, you're probably waaay up the proverbial creak with zero chance of getting a paddle. Although maybe you can us a UN report to wipe yer crack.

prarie doggin's picture
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I agree, and further, I don't think we should allow any posts on PR by anyone that doesn't shit.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Are we folks whose shit doesn't stink still OK?

br>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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i bet the bug envys us, i bet it wishes it could sit on the can just one time and push out a turd bigger than texas, clog up the toilet and bust the plunger handle trying to get that bad boy down, then hop on the internet and tell the world about via poopreport.
_______
poopmaster

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
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What do they call each other when they are mad?

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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Lolita CassiePoo writes "You can't tell it's asshole from it's face. It moves kind of like those weird plastic liquid filled things they sometimes sell in kids stores"

...That is a damned good description of a girl I once knew.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Gaseous Glay's picture
l 100+ points
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Daphne's right: Dildo. So I don't know if it would make a good tee shirt. The red circle with a red horizontal bar would look like: "Dildos do not enter.". The diagonal bar would look like a message to ban dildos. You'd get a lot of weird looks and people would wonder if you'd had some kind of traumatizing sexual experience in the past, especially if you're male. And then when you explain, "No, it's actually about poop.", they'd think you were really, really strange.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Too late, they already think I'm really really strange. A tshirt would just confirm it.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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luvkimchee.....If we didn't have to poop what would monkeys at the zoo throw at us?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points
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Honestly I think most people would think you were weird just for wearing a regular PR shirt. Most people just don't understand.

fenfa's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Thanks, everyone, for your comments. I'm heartened to know many of you share my disdain for this vile little creature.

As for the t-shirt idea, maybe someone could put a villainous costume on the otherwise-dildo-looking demodex. More soon...

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I read that these little guys actually don't mind mascara, either. The mites on our eyelashes eat it.

That's weird.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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No wonder I have to keep applying it.

luvkimchee's picture
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Right on Chief, animals in zoos and circusses have a right to throw shit at the visitors! Especially in circusses I would love to see them doing that.

I guess the evolutionary function of the mites is to keep our eyelashes clean. That's a perfect symbosis between two species of whom only one poops. I am glad it's not the mites.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I am going to guess: Far from being so efficient that it doesn't need an anus, the Demodex is so primitive that its skin is leaky, and it just lets its poop drizzle out through the skin.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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I knew a guy who could do that (or at least he smelt like it...)

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

LolitaCassiePoo's picture
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Blind Mullet, that's so sad. For her and for you!

I hope you didn't try to kiss her when you had mistaken her anus for her mouth... unless you're into that sort of thing....

prarie doggin's picture
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Lolita, Blind Mullet (we call him BM) is from Australia. Everything is upside down there. That's probably where the problem was.

LolitaCassiePoo's picture
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My brother in law is from Australia. I'll have to inquire if he ever had any butt kissing mishaps...

daphne's picture
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How long until someone registers on the site with the name Demodex, do you think? :)


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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You guys are asking for it. I'm gonna kick all your asses.

Ah shit, nevermind. I don't have any legs.

Dexter Demodex.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dexter Demodex...I cordially invite you to come live with me. My eyelashes are presently at full occupancy but I have some vacancies in my asshole hairs. Hope you don't mind sharing space with dingleberries.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Well that's better than my other offer. An asscrack full of cat hairs is not my cup of tea.

DD

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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If I were a demodex living in an asscrack I would like it to belong to one of the dingleberry bears. My goal would be to make its ass even redder than the rest of the little bastard.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Do they worship Tammy Fay Baker?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I hear she's their Ironman location every year.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Charles Pookowski's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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So the over priced department store mascara I buy every few months simply serves as these superfluously-evolved dildods' gourmet banquet? And I don't even receive any reimbursement by way of poop-in-the-eye? I wonder; do the "perfect" alien species in the Alien movies share this trait in common with the Demodex? I can't imagine them pausing their violent acid spitting and inter-species raping to grab a paper and perform a butt evac. Would their poo be acidic also? Mr. T says, "I pity the plumba!"


This article raises another important idea which, I feel, begs to be explored: as we humans evolve, will we too one day shun our beloved b-holes?

What price advancement?

_______
You and Your Beer and How Great You Are.

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit. I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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LOL, just read your profile, Madam Charles...very funny, and welcome to Poopreport!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Charles Pookowski's picture
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Thanks, Bilge :) It's an honor to be welcomed by such a highly esteemed pooper.

_______
You and Your Beer and How Great You Are.

"There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit. I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. It made you realize that you were really alive.”

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Did somebody else welcome you too? I'm not highly esteemed....better described as overpoweringly offensive. You got any cats? The fur fell out of my last one, I got nothing to wipe with.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Leaky Bowel King's picture
l 100+ points
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Hey bilge, I got some strays I can rescue for ya. They've only been living the dumpsters for a couple of years. You don't mind the demodex munchin on your ass hairs do you?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Nah, thats cool, my ass gas has been used by several firms around here as a pesticide.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Ajax's picture
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Just a wild guess: When I learned that face mites had no anus, I wondered whether that served to suppress the host's possible immune reaction.

_______
Going the way of all flush since 1957

Going the way of all flush since 1957

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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Fenfa emailed me this idea:



Which I love. However, I made a small tweak in copy that Fenfa also tells me he loves right back:

prarie doggin's picture
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Dave, how about an animated demodex, grimacing as he tries to push one out. Caption "No Can Doo"

P "the loser" D

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
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I can picture it now. A spiral headed dildo with little arms and legs squatting in front of a toilet trying to push one out. A shirt like that could get the wearer arrested in some states. Let's do it!

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

daphne's picture
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What's that circle?

I love this tee-shirt idea because it makes people ask you what's on your shirt; and when you tell them, you most likely sound crazy.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Poopfessional's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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How about simpler a design featuring a render of the Demodex, and some witty text...
Such as:
Demodex...
Doesn't take any crap...

“Why are you making cupcakes when you're just gonna poop them out?” Pete Wentz

The Poopfessional's picture
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Like so... (click for big version)



“Why are you making cupcakes when you're just gonna poop them out?” Pete Wentz

jayyrwhyy's picture
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Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't an entomologist a person who studies insects?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Yes they are. What is your point?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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Not one of the more attractive parasites. Give it a Neil Sedaka toupe, a scarf, and leg warmer over the spandex. And a donegan beard..

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.