The Extremes Of Excretion

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My experience with the extremes of pooping began when I was about five years old when the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus came to my hometown. From the stories my parents had read to me, I loved the circus before I even went. But the most indelible memory of this boyhood event didn't occur under the big top -- it took place outside the tent, well before any of the scheduled performances. It was there, at a safe distance, where I observed, hypnotized, an elephant relieving himself.

It was like cow plop multiplied a hundred-fold, cascading out as high as an elephant's eye -- er, um, ass. After all, elephants consume tons of roughage in the form of straw and other vegetable matter, and it shows up like nobody (else's) business at the other end.

But don't just take my word for it:

My fascination with elephants (and their extreme pooping) took off from there. By the time I'd reached high school, elephant jokes of every type had become all the rage with me. And then in college, I heard the ultimate elephant joke -- one that permanently cemented for me the link between poop and humor. It went something like this:

Man #1: (to his friend): So, what are you doing now?

Man #2: (appropriately) I work for the circus.

Man #1: Oh, really. Doing what?

Man #2: I'm, uh, in charge of cleaning up after the elephants.

Man #1: Oh, yeah? What do you have to do?

Man #2: I shovel mounds of elephant poop.

Man #1: Jeezums. Can't you find something better to do?

Man #2: What! And give up show business?

And yes, I firmly believe that PoopReport is definitely a form of cyber-show biz.

The other extreme of pooping I'd like to examine also has a connection to circuses: flea circuses, in fact. The first time I heard about flea circuses, I couldn't believe my ears. What the hell could you get a flea to do on a consistent basis that would be worth charging people to see? How could you even communicate with the little buggers? Now considered a lost art form, the flea circus relied more upon illusion and special magnifying lenses for customers to observe -- unlike training elephants, with natural incentives like massive volumes of food.

Nonetheless, flea circuses led me to contemplate the mind-boggling concept of flea poop. I thought of those novelty carvings of the Pledge of Allegiance or the Lord's Prayer upon the head of a match, or The Incredible Shrinking Man, one of my favorite sci-fi films, in which the main character becomes so infinitesimally small that he disappears into what would amount to another universe -- perhaps to be consumed by and become the poop of an amoeba (which would be even more extreme than flea poop). Of such notions is the concept of flea poop configured. But while many of you may have never witnessed that elusive flea circus or the thundering turds of elephants, most of you have likely encountered flea poop.

Say what?

The fact is, owners of dogs infested with fleas must contend with it constantly. My brother and I had several dogs when we were growing up, and we were charged by our parents with the responsibility of feeding and bathing them. But no matter how hard we scrubbed, we never could rid that canine fur of all those nearly-microscopic flea turds, which some have referred to as "black dandruff." As one poster on the Paw Talk forums puts it, flea poop "looks very much like grains of pepper. The flea dirt is actually flea poop. If you wet the dog, the poop would dissolve and turn the water a rusty, reddish-brown color from your dog's blood, which had been ingested by the fleas."

Extremely lovely.

From time to time, PoopReport is visited by people who flame us over the subject we discuss here, claiming it to be inappropriate, gross, sick, or whatever else they care to rant about. But there is a universe of poop out there to consider between the two extremes I've described, and it is our mission to deliberate upon all of it, even-handedly and with extreme attention to detail. No poop left behind!

43 Comments on "The Extremes Of Excretion"

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I worked close to an elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka for a year, and spent most of my lunch hours there watching them and feeding the baby ones, as I ate. Prodigious amounts of crap would come out of even the youngest, and a 5 pound load hurts like hell if it lands on a foot with just flip flops on.

An amazing sight, however, was the monthly elephant race when they rounded up all the local working bull elephants for a race across the park. Maybe 8 or 10 would turn up and as soon as they were lined up with their mahouts on board they started to get massive erections. Now these are 3 feet long or more, and once they started charging across the field their poor engorged schlongs were battering along the ground as they ran. You`d think that it would have been pretty damn painful, but it never stopped them or put them off their stride.

Real men.

The voice of sanity

Tidey bowel Man's picture
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That Gross!!! But very intersting

C Everett Poop's picture
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Here is my elephant joke:

A little boy goes to the zoo with his Mom and they see a bull elephant with his crank out and dragging the ground.

The boy says "What's that thing hanging down"?
Mom says "Thats his trunk"
Boy says "No the other end"
Mom says "That's his tail"
Boy says "No, in the middle there"
Mom gets all embarrassed and says "It's nothing, forget it"

The next week, the boy goes to the zoo with his Dad and they see the same elephant, again with a giant 4 foot wood.
The boy says "Dad, what's that"?
Dad says "That's his dick"
Boy says "Mom said it was nothing"
Dad says "Yeah Son, I spoil that woman"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Eat me, it's the only joke I know.

The Big Wiper's picture
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Good one. I think it's the sheer size of elephants (in all areas) that inspires so much humor.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Anal About Poop's picture
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You guys hear about the elephant that had diarrhea? It’s all over town!

HAHAHaha..ha (sigh)I kill me.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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OK Here's my elephant joke:

How do you know there's an elephant in your freezer?
A: The door won't close...har har.

It's not nearly as funny as CEP's, but my 4 year old niece supplied it and I'm not smart enough to do any better.

_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Bilgepump's picture
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"C Everett Poop (388) -- 03.21.2007

Here is my elephant joke:

A little boy goes to the zoo with his Mom and they see a bull elephant with his crank out and dragging the ground.

The boy says "What's that thing hanging down"?
Mom says "Thats his trunk"
Boy says "No the other end"
Mom says "That's his tail"
Boy says "No, in the middle there"
Mom gets all embarrassed and says "It's nothing, forget it"

The next week, the boy goes to the zoo with Bilge and they see the same elephant, again with a giant 4 foot wood.
The boy says "Bilge, what's that"?
Bilge says "That's his dick"
Boy says "Mom said it was nothing"
Bilge says "Yeah Son, I spoil that woman"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Eat me, it's the only joke I know."

Just had to fix CEP's joke a little, for accuracy.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

C Everett Poop's picture
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Bilge, I heard your callsign was "Needledick" when you were an alternate on the 1984 Olympic gymnastics team.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Had that operation you recommended so highly, CEP...Your testimony was all I needed. Oh, and it was the Special Olympics...

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Fart Poopie's picture
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TBW, I was maybe four or five when I first saw cows poop. I don't think that I was all that aware about the fact that almost all living things poop until that day. It was one of those situations where you realize a fact that you've really known all along but just hadn't seriously thought about. I remember the shock of it all, since I was so little and these cows may as well have been elephants-- they seemed so large to me.

Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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I remember seeing a horse urinate. It was like a firehose. The stream splashed mud all over the place. It was incredible.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
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Are any of you other ladies getting the sense that maybe our male pooper friends are wandering into a very strange case of penis envy?

_______
It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

The Big Wiper's picture
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Heh. I've never seen an elephant's dong. Have seen a horse's, though. And I can attest to the accuracy of the phrase, 'hung like a horse.'

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Deja Poo's picture
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Okay, okay, okay. Here's my elephant riddle.

Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?

A: Because 6 inches would be ridiculous.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Bunga Din's picture
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Great report TBW and good joke CEP.

I took my daughter to the Toronto Zoo many years ago and they have this raised platform where you can get a pretty close up view of the elephants. This elephant came over to check us out and was turning around and as she did so she pissed, and it was like dumping several garbage pails of water, truly impressive, lasted almost a minute. We all got a good laugh out of that and as we were still laughing my daughter said "Ummm Dad, I think I have to go to the washroom". I think this may shed some light on why when one woman has to go to the can another has to go too.

Artful Dodger's picture
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The Big Wiper (2035) -- 03.22.2007
I can attest to the accuracy of the phrase, 'hung like a horse.'

Indeed. They're not bashful about it when the flag's unfurled, either. A female friend (chicks dig horses) wanted to feed my horses an apple, so we walked out to the pasture. The male came trotting up with his dong flopping at full mast, and she said: "He must be really excited about the apple!"

She turned three shades of red when I said that if she was having her time of the month, he could smell her and thought she was in season.

I spent that evening alone.

GottaGoGirl's picture
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Mary Queen of Scats (87) -- 03.22.2007
...a very strange case of penis envy?

In a book I read, there's a scene where the king wants to show off his new stock of horses to his court.

The grooms arranged a demonstration of a stallion studding a mare. After the, uh, spectacle, the king asked one of his court,

"Well, how did the stallion's performance make you feel?"

"Humble, Your Majesty. Very humble."

The Big Wiper's picture
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This thread went in an entirely different direction than I thought it would. Elephants'll do that to ya!

Since we're on the subject of dongs, exactly how small do you think a flea dong is?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Bunga Din's picture
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If any of you mention CEP, as a moderator, I will have to delete your comment!

Like American Express, membership has it's privileges!

Artful Dodger's picture
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The Big Wiper (2038) -- 03.22.2007
Since we're on the subject of dongs, exactly how small do you think a flea dong is?

A flea's dong is larger than a horse's OR an elephant's. Comparatively sized, of course.

Artful Dodger's picture
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To get back on track, I remember going through the stock yards at the State Fair with my grandfather when I was about 4 years old. As we passed the cattle, I saw a cow lift her tail and drop a big pile. I recall being slightly revolted and yet fascinated at the same time.

Some years later I built a fire out of dried cow patties (supplied by grandad's dairy herd), after reading in school that homesteaders on the prairies regularly used buffalo chips for fuel.

Fart Poopie's picture
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GGG, that reminds me of Dirty Jobs (it's on the Discovery Channel for those of you who've never heard of it). There was an episode where Mike Rowe had to, um... collect a sample from a horse... for breeding purposes. He had to hold the artificial vagina while the horse did his thing.

I think he must have been humbled by that.

Fart Poopie's picture
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AD, that must have stunk to high heaven.

Bunga Din's picture
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Poopie, I think those are the kind of jobs when you lose them you just say "easy cum, easy go".

Crunchy Frog's picture
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I too have seen a horse urinating and a horny horse with its member sort of sliding back and forth and throbbing. I was a little kid and we went to one of these Pick-Your-Own fruit farms and saw it and didn't really know what it was only the willy reminded me of the lightsabre action my toy figure Darth Vader had! Yeah I was a fucked up kid, I totally fess up to that :-)

racco's picture
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Remember watching a pony poop at a country fair when I was small. I was waiting for my friend, and this pony lifted it's tail and pushed out a huge pile of shit. As an eight year old, for some reason I was transfixed as the pony then lowered it's tail, stepped back into the pile and squished into it with it's hoof. Then the other hoof went back and squished into it as well - the poop was totally flattened and this pony had finished stomping on it, it simply walked off, leaving this brownish green pancake covered with hoofmarks, still steaming. Mum was like 'what you starin' at'!! Horses normally just walk away from their piles, but this pony gave his poop a squishing before leaving it be!!

JamieTeal's picture
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Wow... I am in awe. I remember a Jeff Corwin Experience once where he had to give a constipated elephant an enema. Basically, all (..."all"...) he did was stick a garden hose up the elephant's ass and turn the water on. Then he put on elbow-length latex gloves and stuck his hand in to pull all the impacted, fibrous elephant poo out.

The Big Wiper's picture
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Heh. Here's an elephant joke from the elephant's point of view:

Q: How can you tell if Jeff Corwin's going to stick his hand up your ass?

A: Watch for the latex glove. Oh, and the hose.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

FleaCircusDirector's picture
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I'm fairly certain fleas don't poop as they only drink blood. There are various reports about them regurgitating and when they eat the bateria that causes the plague it blocks them up...

Flea tricks mostly involve them pulling things and kicking things.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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About 20 years ago while visiting the local zoo with friends, I took a picture of this absolutely gorgeous blonde with a beautiful suntan shoveling shit in the Elephant paddock. When I set the camera to take the picture, she shot me the most evil look when she realized what I was doing and then went back about the elephant's business. She was using a coal shovel and the mound she was attacking must have been two or three shovel fulls.

BTW, the picture was about the blonde in shorts and not about the elephant poop.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Toots N. McCrack's picture
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As always, another great TBW submission!

One of my early memories of crap was of an elephant taking a dump on cue in a garbage can by a handler at Marine World when I was 5.

And, I'd like to add this to the thread-- Ever see an elephant seal, during the time of year when they stock up for winter take a crap? 10 years ago I worked in a marine lab that has the only elephant seal in captivity and she was about 660 kilos then and ate about 23 kilos of fish a day. In pounds, that's over double that amount. Anyway, she would haul out to crap and it would fill the entire deck, probably about 30 feet by 5? And it was neon orange shit water!!!! We hosed a lot during their eating season. Yeah, we were hosers.

AND kind-of unrelated to my post, but made me think of this thread as soon as my friend sent me the link yesterday....

http://www.gofish.com/player.gfp?gfid=30-1000445

_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

bobmonk's picture
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I have a new job circumcising elephants it does not pay much but the tips are big..
ha hah ha
_______
bobmonk

His Grace The Abbot of Shatington

The Big Wiper's picture
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See, folks? After all these years, elephant jokes are still da bomb! In this case, I guess it's because bigger is funnier!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Dumpster's picture
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CHRISTY BROS. CIRCUS v. TURNAGE.
38 Ga.App. 581, 144 S.E. 680 (1928)

STEPHENS, J.

The plaintiff was in attendance at a circus performance given by the defendant. While seated in one of the seats provided by the defendant for the defendant's guests at the circus, a horse, which was going through a dancing performance immediately in front of where the plaintiff was sitting, was by the defendant's servant, who was riding upon the horse, caused to back towards the plaintiff. While in this situation the horse evacuated his bowels into her lap. This occurred in full view of many people, some of whom were the defendant's employees, and all of whom laughed at the occurrence, As a result thereof the plaintiff was caused much embarrassment, mortification, and mental pain and suffering, to her damage in a certain amount, and the damage alleged was due entirely to the defendant's negligence and without any fault on the part of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff had a valid cause of action.

The evidence authorized the inference that the plaintiff was damaged, by reason of humiliation and embarrassment, in the sum of $500, and the verdict found for her in that amount was authorized.

Judgment affirmed.

JENKINS, P. J., and BELL, J., concur.

Hamster's picture
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AD - your wonderful comment to your female friend (3.22.07) perhaps did not get the credit your wit deserved!! I'm sorry you had to spend the evening on your own - her sense of humour obviously was not of a matching standard!

Vile Logger's picture
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Maybe not exactly on topic, but here's a joke:

Q: So what do you think about PoopReport?
A: It's full of shit!

Elephants rule!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Somewhere, we have pictures from the Louisville zoo. Took the Things there in 2001. In one picture Mr. daphne, took, one of the Things is standing in front of a fence, smiling. In the background are 2 rhinoceri, one on top of the other, sporting a tremendous boner.

He didn't notice it when taking the picture. How a 3 foot penis can escape someone's attention is beyond me.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

poop loversss's picture
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I love this PPoooptastioc web page...expectially the poopy fully great jokes! yAY! poooop is good poop is fun pooop opppo pooop!

Browneye Bruise's picture
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As much as I hate to say this, Poop Report isn't what it used to be. I hardly ever laugh at some of these pathetic articles. Someone PLEASE be the savior and write something comical to all.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Make me curious to check the IP on this one, too.

_______
Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Artful Dodger posted on 03.22.2007 that horses could detect by smell when a woman was having her period. Makes me think of the following;

When I was a teenager I worked for a large department store in Nashville Tennessee. For some strange reason there was a snack bar in the store that contained a large monkey cage. Nothing whets the old appetite like a cage full of noisy and very foul smelling little beasts. It was appropriately called "The Monkey Bar".

If the cage was approached by a young lady in the midst of her period the monkeys
would chatter shrilly while masturbating as fast as they could get their little paws moving. This troupe of whanking primates proved quite embarrassing for the young ladies but imparted valuable knowledge to any young lads who were watching.

If you were going on a date that night with the intention of making a score you could take your prospective date to the Monkey Bar for screening. Shrieking, pud pounding monkeys were a sign you should
postpone your amorous attempts until a future date.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Powersoak's picture
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How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?

You can't get the toilet lid closed.

MSG's picture
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A couple of years ago we attended a party at a horse farm. I am seldom near horses, and I enjoy watching these magnificent animals. One came fairly near the fence, turned around, and lifted its tail. I was fascinated to see its anus push out and form a tube maybe 2 or 3 inches long, through which its turds came smoothly out. There were several, and they plopped and made a nice pile. When the horse was done, the anus smoothly retreated, the tail slowly descended, and the animal walked away. I expect that what I saw is analogous to what I feel as I relax my sphincter while pooping.