MSG writes: The essay that follows is, of course, totally fictional and speculative. But it is only a beginning. What I am hoping is that some enterprising writers might continue this story in the comments, taking it in whatever directions you might like.
DATE: 21 Jan 2010
TIME: 9:13 a.m.
PLACE: Committee Hearing Room 311, U. S. Senate
HEARING: Committee on Eating Regulation, pursuant to P.L. 2009-91225a Title II (amended)
PRESIDING: Sen. Slaymaker
PRESENT: Members of the Committee
WITNESS: Joseph A. Nemo, Private Citizen
Sen. Slaymaker: This meeting now called to order, all consenting, no objection, so ruled. Mr. Nemo has kindly consented to return since we ran out of time yesterday. I believe it is Senator Dumas's question time. Madame Senator, if you please.
Sen. Dumas: Thank you, Senator. Mr. Nemo, yesterday you testified as time ran out that, as far as you're concerned, fast foods are a menace, not only to health, but to the environment. Could you explain that, please?
Mr. Nemo: Certainly, Senator Dumba-- ah, Dumas. Everybody knows about fast foods -- or, should I say, junk foods -- and the American diet. Last year's successful prosecution of SuperChips proved that, to say nothing of the Burrito Barn mess.
Sen. Dumas: Yes, indeed, sir, those cases proved beyond a doubt that the American diet, if left to the individual, will deteriorate to utter slime, filth, and gunk. What I'd like to get at, Mr. Nemo, is what diet you, as a private citizen, employ and would recommend instead, and how your diet would improve both health and the environment.
Mr. Nemo: My first concern is poop, Senator. I feed my bowels, you see, so that I poop a lot but wipe a little; nice solid poops from nice solid fiber foods, lots of veggies, and--
Sen. Dumas: Mr. Nemo, I think the U. S. Senate is hardly the place to discuss your bowels.
Mr. Nemo: You asked me, Senator, about environmental considerations. My position is that people who eat fast foods and junk foods produce very low-quality poop: sludgy, soft, gooey, hard to wipe. They use too much paper, clog up the toilets, waste water, you name it. Let me ask you, Senator -- how have your movements been lately? Nice, smooth, just a wipe or two? Or have you had the million-wipers? Any clogs lately?
[Secretary/note-taker notes Sen. Dumas gasping, other Senators snickering.]
Sen. Dumas: Mr. Nemo, really, I am not the one here to answer questions, particularly such as that.
Mr. Nemo: Senator Dumas, you are here as the servant of the people of the United States, of whom I am one. I feel perfectly entitled to ask you questions that can help illustrate my point of view. You are prepared to impose your committee's views on what I should eat, without knowing anything about the effects of what I eat. I'm telling you those effects; I think my question to you is fair. Remember, Senator: Today's feast yields tomorrow's feces; you are what you eat, you poop what you eat, and you wipe what you eat. Like it or not, that influences use of paper, and use of water.
The problem, Senator, is that no two people are alike. My diet might give you uncontrollable diarrhea, or a nasty case of constipation. That's why I asked you what your poops are like, Senator. You might need to improve them.
