Hell indeed. I loved this. Couldn't help trying to extend your idea:

The Civil War
This occurs after a long build-up of tensions. I’ve been getting sicker and sicker as the days go by, but trying to deny it. My lower colon resents the attempts of my upper cortex to force it back into line. Finally hostilities break out, and bodies lie all over the porcelain battlefield in numbers unimaginable. The lower colon finally looses, but I’ve got hemorrhoids that really never go away.

The Cold War
After not going for a few days and building up tension, the colon pushes, threatening to break through the sphincter, but the sphincter refuses to open to let it through. Nothing really amazing happens, but there is hostility between the colon and sphincter, and one continually disagrees with the other and refuses to cooperate. Things eventually just die off.

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"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

Well thanks a lot, Dumplestiltskin -- I can't get war stories out of my mind.

The Battle of the Alamo

After a night eating my fill at a native Mexican restaurant I had no business in, I end up in an old church restroom, which is light on provisions. Soon, there are more logs buzzing around than I’ve seen in my life. When I try to flush them away, they don’t go down; they start rising up towards me! My fate seems clear, but I am not one to give up hope. I grab the plunger, Old Betsy, and try to blast my way through the jamb. Failing that, I use it to dip water out of the toilet and into the sink. But this, too, only delays the inevitable. Finally, the boys come storming over the toilet’s rim. As a last symbolic gesture, I raise the plunger over my head and start swinging at the advancing turds. It’s a day I’ll never forget. I sell the movie rights to Disney.

Desert Storm

I wake up to unpleasant diarrehea and go every 5 minutes. That night I poop in my broken toilet! Thank God it suddenly started working.

I am brought back again and again to the Battle of the Bulge.....

It's nothing big, you just clog your nieghbor's toilet at a party and can't get it to flush without people knowing you've clogged it.

Well, it may be weak, but I'm a peacemonger anyway.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Korean War
Visible on the radar are the egg rolls and tsingtao, ready to give me another sleepless night of shelling. I run into the head to wait it out, praying that the mortar doesnt rip through my shorts on the way. After hours of sweat and tension, I can finally rest again.. When will they return? I am forced to ask for aid from my herbal laxative. The strategic bombing finally ends with a peace treaty between the two powers... for now...

This is one of those stories where the comments are just as funny as the original post! Great work Dumplestiltskin! And Logjam, and Double Flush! Hilarious!

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"Just kidding!"- Alberto

And damnit! Now I have "Run Through The Jungle" stuck in my head! Thanks a lot!

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"Just kidding!"- Alberto

I just can't help myself:

War in Iraq

I’m sitting on the pot tending to important business when my son bangs on the door demanding I clear out fast. He claims we’re facing a WMD – Wicked Massive Dump.

I quickly finish business and turn the theater over to him. He’s in there only a few minutes and comes out dancing, arms pumping the air and fingers flashing the Nixon-victory Vs. I go in and find no evidence of a Wicked Massive Dump. There’s no lingering noxious gas. The toilet brush is bone dry, yet there are no telltale skid marks. When I confront him, he blames his intelligence. I can’t really argue with him.

OMG. Best. Comment. Ever. Dave, can we get more moderators just so Logjam can have more points for that comment?

I second that. Logjam's is awesome!

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"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

100 Year War:

I rush to the toilet expecting to destroy it and claim easy victory and claim the WC as my territory but nothing happens. OH NO CONSTIPATION. I'm sat there for what seems like forever and when action finally starts the pain and suffering I feel is not one I was expecting or hoping. I leave the WC wounded, blood dripping from my arsehole. I didn't manage to gain territory after all the time I put into what I thought would be easy victory.

The Battle of the Little Bighorn

I marched into the bathroom with absolute confidence that victory would be swift. As I knocked down the enemy, I was singing….

One little, two little, three little stoolies.

I was feeling great as I peeled off a long row of my white troops, got them into formation, and sent them in to clean up the mess. But when I went to stand, I sensed it wasn’t over. I hunkered back down and counted off,

Four little, five little, six little dipshits.

I dispatched another row of troops, and just when I was ready to sound the victory flush, I was hit with yet another wave.

Seven little, eight little, nine little poobrains.

Worried now, I start rationing my troops. But the enemy just kept pouring out of the prairie. Any hint of playfulness had left my voice as I counted them off,

Forty-one goddamn, forty-two goddamn, forty-three goddamn shitmen.

One by one my troops dwindled, until I was down to my Last Strand. I thought of waving it in surrender, but then tossed it defiantly into the gruesome mix spread out below me. It was a crushing defeat for the white team, and a lesson about the perils of overconfidence.

Logjam, I will gladly stalk you if Mr. daphne runs off with our mail lady.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Falklands War:

As I approach the toilet for a routine dump in what I believe is my territory and have done for a long time, I am shocked when I begin my shit when my arse is under fire. As the first log falls into the water below I receive a cowardly blow as my arse is covered in cold water. In retaliation I turn out another bomb yet recieve another attack. After much attacking and defending I claimed victory when I flushed the toilet and washed away the enemy, making my point that the toilet is MY territory

daphne, my dear. And just when I had given up all hope of "us." My dreams ride on your mail lady being an irresistible siren, and on your sailor man's ears being clear of wax.

The Crimea -

Out of the cheeks of the valley of death came the Russian cannonfire, spattering heavy explosive balls of hard matter around and amongst us.

We gathered heart and sent out a column of men from our inner ring of steel. Morale rose as our troops shot forth in a thin red/brown line into the hellish mire of the enemy`s artillery.

As the stench and fog of war cleared, we smelt victory. The spoils of war were ours.

lol! great story and the way you wrote it is really original

The Atomic bomings of Hioshima & Nagasaki.

I wake up to another quiet mornig, when I hear the roar of the B29 making its way to the target (my rectum). I sit on the toilet and....KABOOM. A mushroom cloud forms as Little Boy completley defiles the toilet. Then just when I think the worst is over, my gut begins to rumble like that B29 again. But this time, Fat Man is dropped, delivering the equivilat of 21 kilotons of TNT into the toilet.

After all of this devestation, My toilet is forced to surrender. But for me, victory is declared, and toilet paper starts to fly, like confetti.

After all this, nobody else can use the toilet, because of Nuclear Fallout.
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

WWII
I'm waiting in line with an aggressive japanese aquaintence. When the toilet frees up he performs a sneak attack and cuts me. I Island hop over the stall and drop my Atomic bomb on the small city of his Right Thigh

For me everyday is Operation Shock and Awe.
6:18am I awaken with several extremely crispy farts. This is the opening shots of battle.
6:20 am I begin my sortie with FOUR ice cold glasses of water. The bombs have been pushed into the bomb bay doors.
6:21 am Although that massive dump is sitting right on the edge of the ol sphincter I still insist on brushing my teeth first the dump will have to wait.
6:24 am My ass finally hits the toilet for a dump of ass destruction. That dump practically runs from my ass I guess poop is afraid of ice cold H2O.
6:30 am AHHHHHHHHHHHH Mission Accomplished I feel five pounds lighter. My weapon of ass destruction has once again performed with the efficiency of a patriot missle. God Bless the USA and our troops.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

The story spawned even better responses. Logjam, You are truly a Master when it comes to shit lit.
Producing waste since 1967

Napoleonic - I had just taken the throne and started the mental cries of 'Merde!' when there was a knock on the stall door.
"Excuse me? Sir? That toilet's broken. I shut off the supply line to the tank, so I can replace the unit."
That's right, I had found my Water-less-loo...

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....