Gritting one's teeth or cringing can mean that someone has to poop pretty badly.

Or if someone is on the phone, having them cut you short with, I'm in the middle of something is a tell tale.
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It's not nice to fool mother nature.

I'm quite sure other posters will submit their tells. That Certain Cringe is a good one, healthy 1. Perhaps after this thread has exhausted itself, we should compile an easy-reference list of all of these with definitions and make them readily available for everyone's perusal and amusement somewhere on the site.

A shit eating grin and matching odor betray the "Too late tell".

I`ve noticed the Butt Cheek Spasm, (a quick, fearful tightening of the bung at the onset of a cramp)- a sure sign of imminent explosive liquishit.

When skiing I've observed the "shithouse crouch" on several occasions. They ski with their butt thrusted way out, their knees bent more than necessary, and they seem kinda doubled over but they hold their head up high enough to keep a lookout for the turn for the lodge (and to avoid collisions with other skiers - which would surely result in a toxic spill).

Another tell is the "rubber cemented butt cheeks dash". You know, where they walk quickly and as if they've got a yard stick up their butt and if you offered them some rubber cement they'd gladly glue their cheeks together to keep the shitstick in there!

I'll keep an eye out for more tells. The people I work with are great examples of all kinds of bodily function tells.

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White Castle: Eat em by the stack, shoot em out the back!

I have five little kids and they all have different I-Have-To-Poop walks. My oldest (8-years) actually limps when he has to poop bad. I wonder if the turtle head pushes on the nerves and interferes with his leg function. The baby is the best though, he stands with feet about shoulder width apart and his face turns bright red. That means he's pushing one out into his diaper.

Wow! Five kids from eight to in diapers. I now see why you chose your handle, DungDaddy!

I love how babies look when they crap themselves. Once they're mobile it's even funnier. When my nephew was two years old, he used to run under the dining table and quietly squat while he pooped in his diaper. Not a word, but he did keep a watchful eye on anyone moving toward the table. A few months after he got into that habit, he started running to the bathroom and squatting in the corner to poop in his diaper. I guess he figured out the rest of us went to that room to shit, why shouldn't he?

I have noticed tells in the behavior of drivers. This winter, while driving north on US 97 toward Madras, Oregon, I came upon a rather impatient semi-truck driver. He was not doing the usual back up and speed forward intimidation technique to which many pushy drivers have become accustomed. Instead, he ended up on my tail for a few seconds and then, as if he realized he was tailgating, he slowly backed off. Five minutes later he was back. His truck did erratic swerving motions from time to time, as if he was considering pulling to the side of the road and then changed his mind. By the time we got down the hill into Madras he was driving right behind me with this blushed face and squared jaw. His eyes were terribly intense. We both ended up pulling into the same Chevron station, where Mr. Impatient leaped out of his cab and did the duck walk to the back of the station, where the bathrooms were located. It took me thirty minutes to finish my business at the gas station and he was still in there when I left. I suppose I would call this little maneuver the Poo-pooapolis 500.

Children also have good tells, as stated above. My grandmother called the jump up and down holding one's crotch maneuver the "Ti-ti Dance".

I have also had occasion to see a child who has to pee while sitting, say in a restaurant or theater. The child always presses her (and it is usually a girl) crotch into the seat, spreading her legs to press it harder. She may move back and forth to assure her hold on her bladder control. Adults may interpret this as some sick form of masturbation, but I assure you that is far from a four-year-old kid's mind. She is simply trying to hold the piss in as long as she can. I call this technique "shoring up the dam".

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

My nephew does the squat as well. He will squat and smile this great shit eating grin. It is great. I know that he will grow up to be a shameless shitter.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

One thing I used to do back in my toilet terror/self-induced constipation days was to fold one leg as I sat, thus pushing my heel into my crotch. I can't really explain why this helped keep poop in, but it was comfortable.

Flop sweat and stinky farts are good indicators of some one that has to bomb swirl harbor.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

Query: If one who can remain expressionless while playing cards is said to have a poker face, what do you call this in the realm of poop? A shit face?

My husband gasps when he has to go really bad. He also makes weird scrunched-up faces whenever he gets a cramp and is holding it back. My sister used to poop her diaper while holding onto doorknobs and squatting. My mom could always tell when she was going to have to change her.

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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Nice one-liner, Anonymous Coward, though it is always preferable if you can come out of the water closet and identify yourself with some handle or other.

Your comment inspires this: what do you call a drunken poker face in the realm of poop?

Riiiggght. A shit-faced shit face.

My toilet tell according to my first wife was an unconcious grunting sound I would make while driving. I was never aware of it though. We would be driving in the car and I she would ask me in a very loud voice "DO YOU HAVE TO SHIT!!!!" I always answered yes with a "how did you know?" My current wife is not aware of this toilet tell or I may be cured.

The above mention of grunting reminds me of an interesting phenomenon not covered so far. It is that the vocalizations of a person about to shit his pants often sound similar in tone to the vocalizations of a person who is trying to shit, but can't. And either of these might be confused with the moans and grunts emitted by a person who is actively shitting, but wishes he wasn't, due to the unmanageable size and/or abrasive texture of his turd. Unarticulated vocal expressions associated with defecatory urgency, intestinal sluggishness, and rectal distress can be difficult to distinguish.

Is this what the Japanese really mean when they say "he lost face"?

Good analysis as always TBW.

When my nephew was 3 he used to put on quite a production. Same as most toddlers, he would sneak off, find a quiet place look around, spread his legs just a little, bend his knee just a little (in case he got caught)and push. His face would get real red and then he'd start grunting. I once saw him pushing such a big load in his diapers, it looked like he was growing a tail. He had the hugest poopy bulge in his Pampers. He looked so embarrassed, when I asked him what he was doing.

I know it's not strictly a poop comment, but it is about babies. When I was in high school my friends down the street had a baby brother about a year old, I guess. They also had a "lazy Susan" in the middle of the dining room table, because they had a large family and it made things easier to reach. One day when their mother was out, we took the baby's diaper off, laid him on the lazy Susan, and put a wet washcloth on his hand. When he started to pee, we spun the lazy Susan and he bacame a fountain. It was very funny at the time, but today we'd be locked up for doing something like that. The baby was laughing as hard as we were. We made sure he didn't fall off, of course. As soon as someone said we'd have to clean the table and the kid, I remembered I had some homework to do. I think the fountain thing only works with little boys. Not sure on that.

You put the baby on the lazy susan? Oh, that's really funny! I was so proud to approve that comment for publishing.

And I don't know how I missed this entry, Wiper. This was a great submission! I see the guy walking with a load in his pants in my mind just from your description. Not sure if I can thank you, but I will nonetheless.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This might be slightly off topic, but this reminded me of it: You know how sometimes you see really old people walking really slowly in public places? Whenever my grandpa sees anyone doing that he says "Geez, they must have to plan all their trips to the bathroom!"
Sorry that was so random; I just think it's hilarious and it's nice that there are other people out there who can appreciate the humour.

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...and they all lived crappily ever after!

Wasn't particularly random. Slow-motion toilet tells are just as valid as real-time/fast-walking tells.

It's been rumored that that little ole man Tim Conway invented on 'The Carol Burnett Show' took so much time to get to #2 that it became #200.
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Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Love the social ANALysis of "tells"--
We should totally comPILE a list of descriptions and definitions! A story I'm thinking of writing has elements of these types of "technical terms".

The Shit Volcano's comment about the truckdriver's behavior behind the wheel reminded of me of what my father always says if someone's driving like an asshole-- "they must have diarreah!" (i.e. being frantic and in a hurry to the point of discourtesy and even safety)

Great story!

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

This reminds me of those diarrhea medicine commercials-- what do they tell the actors? "OK, look like you've got really bad diarrhea and you are afraid of anyone finding out"-- maybe this article can serve as an instructional manual for those who'd like to act in commercials.
The other commercials: Vaginal itch commercials-- do they tell the actress: "Ok, look like your cooch is really itchy and you can't scratch it. Ok, now look like you're relieved!"
These are the questions that keep me up at night...

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Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

I was just thinking that the only thing shallower than fashion models might be voiceover or TV commercial specialists. Talk about your lack of depth!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

What about the Leaning Leg Lift tell: the person with the urge leans to side and lifts the leg on the other side just a little in order to let the gas escape.

Technically, this is a Fart Tell, but where there's gas, shit will happen soon.
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Why bang a gong when you can toot your ass horn instead?