The Turd As A Unit Of Weight
Let's adopt the turd as the official American unit of mass. Right now Europeans are bitching and whining because we do not use the International System of Units (or the S.I. system). However, the average American thinks the S.I. system is gay, and refuses to give up their rights to a nonsensical measuring system to some snooty, big-headed arrogant European (no matter how snazzy he is dressed).
We refuse even though it is sometimes hard to convert pounds to ounces, and then to pints. I say let's meet them half way.
The average U.S. turd weighs 2.2 pounds. That is exactly one kilogram. By adapting the turd as the unit mass/weight, we will have standardized the unit of mass with something every American understands and can appreciate. Also unlike the kilogram, the standard is not kept under some glass jar in France; it is kept right in your toilet for safe keeping.
Conversions will be easy, because like the European system it will be based on a base ten system. Thus we will have centiturds, milliturds, kiloturds, and megaturds. This will provide endless amusement to children everywhere (and a few adults). This system may seem silly, but the British still use stones, which equal fourteen pounds, as a unit of mass. Surely if they can be weighed in stones, we can be weighed in turds. So I weigh 102 turds. Tonight after I go to the bathroom, I will weigh only 101 turds. See, even dieting is easier with my system. So please tell all your friends. Announce it on Facebook. Let's get the ball rolling.
Editor's note: The amount of poop a person will poop during a day is actually debated and not set in stone. According to some doctors, the average amount of poop a person puts out daily is estimated to be one ounce for every twelve pounds of body weight. Someone who weighs 200 pounds, then, will poop about a pound a day.
If anyone has any credible links to other daily poop estimates for Americans, please let us know. I specify Americans because Indians are said to poop more, and the British are said to poop less.