The Assistant Plumber's Life

// // 46 Comments
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I'm going to start this poop report with a stern warning: if you are easily grossed out or offended, you might want to pass this one by. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that since you read PoopReport, you must not be easily grossed out. Still, don't say I didn't warn you.

I've held many different jobs during my life. I've been a wrestling coach, an electrician, and a home automation engineer; I even was an Easter bunny at the local mall. But NO job was more gruesome as when I was an assistant to a plumber. Mind you, being a plumber wouldn't be all that bad. What made it bad was that I was working in the projects of Trenton, NJ, a city very similar to Detroit or Compton. Not nice neighborhoods. But it was a summer job that paid a lot of money for not a lot of hours. Three weeks into the job, I realized why it paid so much for so little.

The plumber I assisted had many duties around the projects we helped maintain. Most of these jobs were shit and piss related. There were some days we would spend just unclogging shitty toilets; there were others we would spend in the trenches under the building, sweating the aged pipes. We would massage and cajole these pipes to work another day in the severe conditions they were under. The stink in the poop holes was unreal. I can't even think of something funny to compare the smell to, because there isn't one.

The smell was something so wicked and wretched we were forced to wear respirators. Bear in mind, there wasn't really anything toxic down there, save for the methane and rotting asbestos. But the smell was so ungodly that in order to work more then forty-five seconds in the hole, you needed a respirator designed for industrial painting applications. When you exited the hole, you immediately had to take a shower and dispose of your coveralls as if you were leaving a hepatitis-infected quarantine area. In the four months I performed my job as an assistant plumber, I saw no less than thirteen people quit the job after day one in the hole. Of the thirteen, eleven puked within the first minute, even while wearing their respirator.

When I tell you I've seen some shit, I'm not kidding. This hole made any septic tank or cesspool seem like Disneyland. We would spend roughly one or two hours per day in the hole -- but they say any time in the hole is really seven times time spent outside. I probably took fifteen years off my life during that summer.

On top of our time in the hole, we were also responsible for general building maintenance. This would include unclogging shit-filled toilets. People who inhabited these projects weren't generally the nicest or cleanest people you'll ever meet. And on top of that, we were extremely short staffed. Thus, shitters would sometimes go clogged for a week or two before we made it up to unclog them. These troglodytes would continue to shit in their clogged toilet until the shit was ten or twelve inches OUT OF THE BOWL. As soon as you walked in their apartment, the immediate and overpowering stench of human waste would kick you in the nuts.

I remember a particular bathroom that had an inordinate amount of crap piled higher then high. It looked like the homeowners were molding a giant shit sculpture. After spending thirty-five minutes scooping mountains of shit into a biohazard bag, I was down to brown pond water. I took a shot and decided to flush the toilet. It flushed normally. The people in this apartment didn't know how to use a toilet. Fellow PoopReporters, stuff like this can't be made up. I walked the resident -- who spoke no English -- over to the toilet and showed him the lever. He looked at me in amazement as I pushed it down and the water emptied out of the bowl. It was as if I had done something supernatural. He muttered something in his language to his wife and they nodded at me. He gave me a hearty thumbs-up and said, "Go Yankees!" as I was walking out the door.

In my six-month tenure at Château Shit Stain, I saw roughly fifteen people removed from their respective rooms in body bags. Occasionally, when these people would die, the maintenance people would be the ones to find them. On this particular day, yours truly found Mr. Dead Guy lying in a pile of what was once himself. Seems he had OD'd a few days earlier and no one really gave a shit until the residents downstairs noticed water spots on their ceilings. We knocked on Mr. Dead Guy's door and received no answer. So my direct manager and I entered the dwelling to see that his sink was overflowing onto the floor. We shut the sink off and then the smell hit us.

When someone has been dead for a while, the stink is pretty intense. I can't even begin to describe it. It's something that no one should ever have to experience firsthand. We called the cops and the coroner, who, incidentally, was on a first name basis with all of us, and had Mr. Dead Guy pronounced at the scene. He had a heroine needle stuck in his arm, so apparently he had died from drug overdose.

The paramedics entered the scene to bag the dude up. But they had a problem: he was extremely fat and bloated. When a person dies, the body tends to fill up with gas, thus bloating the body. I'm sure everybody knows that most people piss and or shit themselves upon death, as well. This guy was so fat and bloated that they couldn't get him in a body bag.

The paramedic pointed to his stomach. They had to "release the hounds," as they said. I didn't really understand what that meant, but I was sure as hell going to find out. The one paramedic gently pushed on Mr. Dead Guy's stomach until gas began to expel. Mr. Dead Guy's final word would be the most rank and horrific belch that any of us would ever hear. It sounded like a foghorn calling in the fleet at low tide. The smell was like nothing I have ever experienced; my manager immediately vomited upon catching a whiff of this nauseous stink. I gagged a few times, but held down my tacos like a trooper. Little did we know the worst was yet to come.

Even after all their years on the squad, I don't think either of the paramedics was expecting what would happen next. The paramedic pushing on his stomach gave him a good hard push, and Mr. Dead Guy blew out his last remains, blasting whatever the hell was inside him out onto the bed. From the grave, he took his last shit. I'm sure he was laughing at us the entire time.

The first paramedic started to gag. The second then horked all over the place and had to leave. I started to vomit and had to leave as well. The smell was putrid, vile, and any other horrible adjective you can think to describe it. It took me nearly four days to get that stink out of my nose. It stunk up the entire floor of the apartment building. I actually just dry heaved in my room right now as I remember that awful smell.

We sat downstairs in our office and contemplated what we had just witnessed. My manager just sat there, his head in his hands, thinking about the cleanup. I, on the other hand, was thinking about how drunk I would have to get that night in order to forget what I had just witnessed.

"That fucker took a shit on us after he was dead. I can't even believe this," my manager said. "I bet we have to clean up that mess, too." After hearing that, I realized that I had made enough money that summer, and needed a vacation away from shit and dead bodies. I quit the next day and vowed never to pick up a pipe wrench ever again.

-- Pill Pooper

46 Comments on "The Assistant Plumber's Life"

Sharty_Jones's picture
0
0

Haha! Great story, Trenton sucks. btw, I can't believe I got first post.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Wow... I'm disgusted and mortified.

Turd Ferguson's picture
0
0

I always referred to plumbers as "poopsmiths."

Turd Ferguson's picture
0
0

Oh, and two questions: What does "sweating the pipes" mean, and what the hell is a poop hole?

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Sweating the pipes is a term used for re-soldering pipes that have broken or pulled apart. You heat them to the point that the solder literally boils off the pipes thus letting you pull the pipe apart and re-solder it.

The poop hole was what we called the basement/crawl space under the building where all the pipes fed down to. It smelled like poop, was full of poopy smelling water and you felt like poop after coming out of it. Thus we dubbed it the "Poop Hole". In some spots, you had to crawl on your belly through shit to get to some of the pipes.. Was like crawling under barbed wire while in the thickets of 'Nam.

-Pill Pooper

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

"When I tell you I've seen some shit, I'm not kidding." Ha ha. After this story, I believe you. Well done. A lot of good details, and I never saw that ending coming.

Slopjockey's picture
0
0

My friend, truly, the delights of Heaven await you,for you have served your time in Hell.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
0
0

I think the paramedic did the last hard push on purpose. Like he didn't know what was going to happen! I think he was being a bastard to you guys! Anyway, did the body finally fit in the bag after the last expulsion? Did everyone go back in after they had finished puking?

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was the only non-medical guy in the room at the time. I got the F out of Dodge when I started to hork so I don't know what happened. I'm guessing they got his fat, bloated ass in the bag. Since I quit the following day, I never found out for sure though.

-Pill Pooper

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
0
0

that's horrible. i could never do a job like that. just more proof that people like plumbers deserve every penny they get, and probably more.

great story!

i love poop.

The Artist Formerly Known As Poo-Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

You mentioned that the smell of a dead body is indescribable. I've never smelled it myself, but Larry Ragel, who used to work CSI in California, wrote a book about his experiences, and gave a real good description of an experiment to replicate the smell.
1. Get 10 pounds of chicken entrails and a large metal garbage can with a lid.
2. Throw chicken guts into garbage can. Cover.
3. Leave can in hot sun for 3-4 days.
4. After time has elapsed, place hand on lid cover. Take a deep breath, then exhale completely. When all the air is out, remove the lid, stick head in can fairly far down and take a whiff.
DO NOT TAKE A DEEP BREATH!
I don't have the nerve to do it. The description alone is bad enough.
Larry Ragel would also agree with you about how the smell lingers. In his book, he says that he could blow his nose days after a particularly bad autopsy, and knock some pocket of the stench loose and it was like he was right over the body.

shitass's picture
0
0

Jeez, tose poeple sound like a bunch of animals... Yeuuch! what the h3ll kind of missing link life form would shit in a broken toilet till it piles in the air? THey should just bolt all the doors and window of that compolex from the outside, and cover the whole thing in cement.

as a final gesture of good ill all the residents should be given an overdose of the drug of their choice.

i am completely revolted.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
0
0

This story is an important reminder to us all that the unpleasantries we ordinary folk encounter, even on the really bad day, are just the tip of a shitberg. Hats off to the

Logjam

Kung Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

This story did not make me laugh as hard as some of the others, but it gets my vote as the best of 2005 so far. Cheers, Pill Pooper!

the blaster's picture
0
0

u are so cool.

The Shit Pistol's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I need to take notice when people say that stories may be disturbing. I didn't think there'd be a story about a dead guy and his gas. Well, it was a good story!

Commode-O Dragon's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Good story. This was not a funny Poop Report, but it was a very interesting one, with a unique subject, so in that respect, its just as good as a funny story. I like to hear about interesting poop as much as funny poop. We've talked some on Poop Report about after-death pooping, but we haven't seen too many stories about it, I applaud you for sharing this story.

I would have liked to have a seen a few things clarified in your story however. I too was confused about sweating the pipes, poop hole and some other things you wrote about. Also, when you were describing the paramedics pushing on the dead guy's stomach, you were talking about expelling gas, but I didn't know from which hole, the anus or the mouth and nose?

I know that bodies will expel gases through the throat after death sometimes, so I was unsure about that. Also, was the body nude, is that how feces got onto the bed as they were pushing?

Just a few minor criticisms though, this was a good poop report.

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

I disagree with the people who said that this was not a funny poop story. It *was* funny, not in a split-your-sides-from-laughing way, like the Thanskgiving story, but with more dry humor. I appreciate this kind of humor.

It wasn't really one story but a bunch of little poop vignettes, with some interesting background detail thrown in. Very nice.

Shypoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

awesome story. i really liked how unique it was.

ChiefRunnyPoop's picture
0
0

I agree fellow crapreaders, that has got to be the most descriptive, at times nauseating, at times enthralling story I ever read on PR. Get smy vote for best of 2005.
BTW, I have worked in some "projects" B4 (telecom) and Pill Pooper is DEAD STRAIGHT with his description of what you might find. It makes me shudder to remember 'dose days.

ass licker's picture
0
0

Trenton used to be a nice town before the scum moved in. Pill Pooper, you must be very strong to deal with that kind of job. Hats off to ya

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Lovely. Remind me not to work in the projects.

And, by the way, this is a good lesson for anyone who thinks it's cool to "get high" all the time. You could OD and end up being pooped by a paramedic. Great, isn't it?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

The word is "popped", not "pooped". Though I suppose it could be pooped in a cannibal society.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Baron von Pooptoven's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Having had to deal with other people's shit, I would have to say that I am sorry. You were much worse off than I ever have been, though.

Three cheers, this story held my attention from start to finish. Wow.

freakazoid's picture
0
0

Rude! But a good story either way.

Shawn St James's picture
0
0

Incredible Story. Stylistically written but still informative.

Isn't our society wonderful? "Public house projects"....translated human cesspools where barely human lazy-ass motherfuckers are encouraged to be so lazy that they can't even flush their own toilet.

And the best part is, they don't even have to pay for it!!!!! WE DO!! The taxpayers!!

John's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Yep, quite amazing isnt it?

And to think that if you read any big city newspaper, theyre going to call these people victims, homeless, and blame the educational institution for not having enough money to give them a decent education.

They are just lazy porch monkeys.

tronald dump's picture
0
0

john:
1)the people are not called "homeless" by anyone. they have a home which, as you have pointed out is paid for (mostly) by govt.
2)though your use of the term "porch monkey" is offensive in that it is a derogatory term for all black people, it did make me think of an actual monkey on a porch, which made me smile. (that is until the monkey on the proch of my imagination started projectile shitting everywhere because it was a poop-inspired thought.)
3)yeah, they're probably mostly lazy. (but not the "real" monkey of my imagination. he's woking hard with just the strength of his sphincter to lauch monkey shit all over the imaginary neighborhood.)

Marcos's picture
0
0

STORY

OF

THE

YEAR

nj represent!!!11111

Perry Stalsis's picture
0
0

My favorite line - "Mr. Dead Guy lying in a pile of what was once himself." Quite a career arc, from Easter bunny to Poop Hole crawler.

Vertical Grimace's picture
0
0

Me oh my, how I know how that feels. I was a fireman/paramedic years ago and had the honor of removing corpes from trailer homes in the summer which had been there for several weeks decomposing in the Arizona summer heat wave. My hat's off to you, Pill Pooper...and may the stench of death leave your nostrils for good!

Sepult's picture
0
0

u poor bastard thats the worst thing iv ever heard. U POOR BASTARD!!!

General Colon Pow!'s picture
0
0

This story was hilarious- dead guys belching and crapping and all! I also once worked as a plumbers assistant- but on suburban Long Island.....luckily, not in the projects!
I was quite lucky- all I had to do was dig a huge hole, to be the "basement" under an addition that would be someones second bathroom. I dug the hole surprisingly fast (I was done by the time the real pklumber returned from lunch- and he was shocked)- it seems, that, the plumber, realizing from this that I was a valuable "no-nonsense" good worker, who could work unsupervised, appreciated my service, so he tended to spare me the disgusting jobs, so as not to lose my service!
This story made me realize how lucky I was to have never had to "wade through the bron swamp"!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Tronald, now I have a poo-flinging monkey image in my head. Thanks for the laughs!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

NYC Master Plumber's picture
0
0

Did you ever think about calling OSHA? You are lucky you and your partner are not dead from methane poisoning. I'm surprised your lead man would put the both of you in that kind of danger.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

In the state of the county today, I'm not at all surprised.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

alex shithole's picture
0
0

thats the best poop report i've seen, all i gotta say is...holy shit!

InvisaPoo's picture
0
0

Wow.

PrissyPooper's picture
0
0

That was like CSI:Craptown. very interesting.

Tapeworm's picture
0
0

I agree with Shatty-cake it was funny....... but I felt bad about laughing at a dead guy launching shit like a catapult. I laughed anyway. The road to hell is a fun one!

PoopFace's picture
0
0

that was the best/funniest/grossest story i have ever read. and i thank you for it...

the log of hazzard's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

0_0

I can just see some fat dead guy taking a nice shit on a sttecher. Fu-nny.

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

I always enjoy Pill Pooper stories; this one was morbidly facinating. Even though I kept saying, "Ewww.", I had to keep reading! PillP seems to have a penchant for poop-on-the-job, doesn't he?

Redkor's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

After reading this story and others, I now nearly worship plumbers for all they do. They deserve good pay, plus generous hazard pay.

Hilarious Harry's picture
0
0

This story must be true. Cause a comedian couldn't come up with this one. While grossed out - I just couldn't stop laughing. It was the best laughing session that I've had in a long, long time!!!

Nadden's picture
0
0

I'm from Peru, this is a good real life story hahaha, I just said while I was reading AJJJJJJ :s