About four years ago, I was employed at a plastics factory. I worked at a machine for twelve hours a day. We got three breaks throughout the course of our shift. One day, I had the overwhelming desire to eat some Taco Bell for my lunch -- but if you wanted that sort of thing, you used up your entire lunch break driving up there and back, which meant you had to eat it on the way to work. And even then, if traffic was good and there wasn't much of a line at the drive-through, you barely had enough time to make it. So I asked for an extra ten minutes so I could actually eat my food and not gorge myself driving back from my border run. I was told very politically that everyone gets the same amount of time for breaks.
Well screw that, I'm getting Taco Bell no matter what -- my urge for that fattening goodness was way too powerful.
So I went on my break and hauled ass to the border and purchased thirteen dollars worth, all for myself. I drove back, dodging traffic, returning the middle finger to other drivers while stuffing my face with my treasured Taco Bell nachos and burritos with extra sour cream and guacamole. I made it just in time to get back on my machine.
It wasn't ten minutes when, due to the force feeding I just gave myself, I had to take a dump (that's one of the reasons why I asked for an additional ten minutes of break time, since I knew that was going to happen). I flagged down a worker and told him I had to use the bathroom. He complained that I just had a whole half-hour break, and that I should use the time allotted to do such things; but I got relief and ran to the shitter, praying no one was using it.
I burst through the door and into the stall I went. No shit paper. I ran out and went to the office, grabbed some from the locker and run back in, turtle head and all. I get back in the stall and did The Move. All went well, surprisingly, so I wiped up and flushed.
I'm not exactly sure what happened or why, but the toilet clogged. Perhaps the clay-like poop mixed with toilet paper and water to make some sort of cork -- a quality one, since the water was now pouring out over the bowl. I quickly looked for a plunger, to no avail. So I tried to look as calm as I could and hoped no one would come in as I was going out.
I walked out and looked about. No one was around, and no one saw me leave the shitter, so I headed back to my machine and began to work.
Now, where I was positioned, I could see in the office window and almost to the shitter door. Concerned that someone would find out it was me who made the bathroom a watery wasteland, I kept an eye on who was coming and going in that direction.
About half an hour later, I saw my foreman walk that way. Seeing me, he smiled and waved; being the friendly guy I am, I smiled and waved back.
A moment later he walked back, throwing his hands up in the air, bitching. I saw him go and get a plunger and carry it back towards the crapper. Several minutes passed until he walked by again, returning said plunger and moving quickly to the bathroom with a mop and bucket. After a while he pushed the bucket and mop back and headed in my direction.
I kept working. He walked right up to me and said, "You know, when someone plugs the shitter, they could at least unclog the damned thing."
I was like, "Oh yeah, what happened?" (Secretly wondering, of course, if he somehow knew that it was me.) He explained in great detail what he saw and had to go through to make the toilet work and make the bathroom somewhat presentable, so naturally I laughed, easing my tension after realizing he had no idea that he was talking to the guilty party. He eventually left and I went back to work
Something came over me. I felt my stomach churning in every direction. It had been over an hour and a half since I downloaded my food in the commode. My stomach had started doing hoola-hoops around my ass, and I knew what that meant. I flagged down the same worker to come over to my machine and explained that I had to use the bathroom again.
He flat out told me no, explaining that I already had my lunch break, and that he had already gone against the rules by giving me an additional break already. I was given the "Hold It" speech.
Well, I couldn't hold it. But for him, I guess it was as if the look on my face showed some sign that I was lying. I felt the urge coming on even stronger, so I quickly looked around for someone who understood these things to come give me a quick break. No one in sight. I ran out in between the machines and yet still, no one.
I had to do something and fast. I considered my trashcan, but I could just imagine someone catching me taking a dump right there at my machine -- I would be unemployed for sure if I did that. So I broke the biggest rule in the plant: I shut down my machine and headed for the shitter yet again. I made it in there unseen, knowing I had to do the deed super fast and get back before I got caught.
I have no clue where this shit had been hiding, but it came out long, wide, slow and painful. No matter how hard I pushed, it seemed to take its own sweet time coming out, as if I wasn't going to be in enough trouble for shutting the machine down -- if they had to come find me, that's even worse, and you can get fired for that as well.
It finally came out. I immediately wiped my ass and turned to toss the paper in the bowl when I saw it. It looked like a spear that Vlad the Impaler once used in the mid 1400's. Not only was it snaked down the hole, but it also was sticking out of the water like a bare palm tree on a tiny island. But no time to take notes or pictures of my creation -- I flushed and this time I didn't look back.
I escaped the bathroom again unseen and made my way to my machine, expecting the boss to be waiting for me. But no one was there. So I turned the machine back on and got it running again.
A moment after I started working the boss came up to me. I was thinking I was about to be shown the door but he just told me a joke. I sorta laughed and tried to smile, thinking it might be a warm-up to my doom. But he left. No one saw me, no one knew I left my post, no one knew I shut off the machine. I managed to pull off the impossible. After I calmed down and realized I wasn't going to be fired, I started laughing -- laughing at my creation, and laughing at my job, since I broke the rules and won.
Later, I noticed Mike, the fat guy, making a steady pace to the shitter. Thinking everything was OK and that I didn't clog it this time, I kept working. A few seconds later, Mike came back out, yelling for the foreman. He went and showed him the water coming out from under the shitter door.
Furious, the foreman chewed Mike's ass in a major way. Mike returned fire that it wasn't him, that he just found it that way when he was going to use the bathroom; but of course the foreman didn't believe him and kept the reaming going. Mike then turned and went into the women's bathroom. Jim returned with a mop and a plunger. I laughed at the comical situation as the foreman bitching as he walked to the bathroom.
I ended my workday and totally avoid the bathroom area so I could play dumb in case I was confronted. I was walking out of the shop when a van pulled up -- a plumber. I now realized I did some sort of damage to the plant's shitter, so naturally I get the hell outta there.
I returned to work the next day and went to inspect the bathroom. The stall was closed off, with an "out of order" sign taped to it, and another sign telling us to use the females' bathroom until further notice. With a poor attempt at looking curious, I asked what was wrong with the men's. I was told that it had been clogged twice the previous night and that a plumber had to be called in after the second episode -- it turned out that the second time, I ended up blowing two seals on that particular toilet. To top it all off, I found out that Mike ended up taking all the heat since he "found it that way," and he was given a counseling statement.
-- Ziburism
