poopreport : Poop at the Office :

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Bygone John

Posted 07.15.2002 by A Dude (35)
The working world is a bitch. After college, I got a job in an office at a company that runs a bus service. In the back, they had a whole garage where the rest room was. All of the mechanics and such would shit there and man, they stopped up that toilet. They also never pissed properly. I'd constantly see piss-soaked toilet paper everywhere -- in addition to the puddle of piss that would invariably be in front of the bowl. I guess I was mad cause the big bosses had a private bathroom that only upper management and VP's were allowed to shit in.

Man, I loved shitting in college.

I usually can't shit at home in the morning -- milk makes my guts hurt, so I typically had a banana or a toast sandwich with juice. I'd make my 8 am class and sit through 45 mins when my shit would start acting up. Around 9, I'd have to go.

I always avoided the social science and economics department bathrooms. I dunno what the deal is with people in these majors -- the men's room always had piss splashed everywhere and wads of wet toilet paper in the sinks. Therefore, I sought refuge in the chemistry building.

Those scientists know how to shit! The building was constructed in the 1960's and the restroom has this retro-Americana charm that I really loved. It was all done in this super 60's orange tile and metal-painted (not cheap particleboard with faux plastic overlay) matching orange stalls. The basement restroom was my baby because all of the labs were located there, and I had total privacy in such a low-traffic area.

I will be honest with you when I say I am a Shameful Shitter. I guess this all goes back to high school when I had a panic attack if I had to shit at school. I'm just a hygienic guy and it's bad enough having to wait until a shower after a public shit, but having to sit in a piss-infested area and risking a turd splashing contaminated water on my O-ring terrifies me. I also find how sometimes bowls are built small so your cock and balls accidentally touch the inside of the bowl... I feel so dirty if that happens.

Anyway, the chemicals from the labs gave the restroom a light sulfer smell. Normally that stinks, but here it was peaceful, dry, cold, and sterile, so I loved it. I'd get my pick of seven empty stalls daily.

I usually chose the one next to the tile wall so I could pencil in messages to a buddy I had made (via the wall). We'd discuss things like politics, music, and society on the wall -- I'd write some and he would reply and so forth. I can't tell you how profound my thoughts are after having relieved myself of the feeling of my intestines ripping.

The toilet paper was well stocked in there because of this awesome cleaning lady that worked at the school. She knew my schedule and was respectful. Normally these people knock and give us Shameful Shitters heart failure. But this saint of a woman would sit on a bench outside the men's room, and only when I came out would she go in to do her work.

Sadly, we never spoke to each other. But there was this mutual respect thing between us -- I loved her upkeep of the place, and she liked how I kept it clean and always flushed. I want to go back to school and thank her for all she did for me.

Surprisingly, I had a 95%+ rate of normal shits in that place. I think there's a large psychological component to how your shit comes out. If you expect things to be bad, then they will be. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Therefore, I always went in with a "I am going to have a great shit" attitude -- and I often did.

I was however, traumatized by a Shameless Shitter that invaded my territory one time. This guy had the nerve to take the stall next to me when 5 others were empty! He undid his pants and sat down and I heard all of the emissions of gas pass his O-ring. He sounded like a trumpeter. Then, it sounded like a microcosm of Hiroshima was taking place just inches from me. It was bombs away, and from what I would hear, it was pellet-like. The dude even had the nerve to go "Ahh... ohhhh... ugh". I never saw his face, but he had these black penny loafers that I will remember till the day I die!

I graduated this year, and I will dearly miss that restroom. I had such a long and loving relationship with it. Some alumni from my school who have become rich and famous have donated money for new buildings and scholarships. If I am blessed with wealth later in life, I will return to my school and have that restroom preserved via a living trust fund.



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gibson (not verified) -- 07.15.2002

well put my man! well put!

Che (not verified) -- 07.15.2002

*saluting as "God Bless America" finishes playing in my head*

i haven't cried since me father was hung for sealin' a pig...but i'll cry now.

Chuut-Riit (not verified) -- 08.13.2002

That story resonates with me like a deep vibrant fart. I found that in college, if I was trying to study in the library, the mere presence of all those books would make me have to crap. I think it had something to do with my psychologically associating reading with crapping, because I did so much reading on the throne.

I also would enjoy the graffitti in college bathrooms. When I was an undergraduate, I would come across graffitti from someone known only as "The Sausage Brain". He always wrote in purple felt-tipped pen, and left pearls such as "The Sausage Brain Lives!" or "Umrath is mine, quoth the Sausage Brain!" It was particularly telling that most of my friends always assumed that I was the Sausage Brain, but I confess that I was not.

Now that I am older, it is my mission in life to crap in every toilet on the Georgia Tech campus at least once. And you're right. Scientists and engineers take their craps seriously and do it right.

A British Enthusiast of Your Site (not verified) -- 09.20.2002

In one of our departmental buildings at university we have these first floor bogs that are old and quite smelly, and are meant for staff only. A notice on the door reads: "Students - please use toilets in basement". But there are no gents' shitters in the basement. Stupid bastards! If that lack of management is not bad enough, on the back walls of the 'exclusive staff cubicles', there are notices saying, "Do not put anything but toilet paper down the pan". Someone had added to this, quite understandably, "And piss. And shit." Thank God no one took the signs literally - the stench is bad enough...

School Pooper Too (not verified) -- 09.27.2002

I too am a shameful Shitter. I found a bathroom in our Art Building that didn't get too much traffic. It was a small three seater, and I would take the large and spacious stall for "special" people. If I heard an intruder I would pause mid push. They wouldn't even know I was there. However, my stealth caused another issue. More than once I had some hippy turn off the lights on me. Sitting in the dark afraid to move. Then what do you do? A public bathroom is a dangerous place to be in the dark. I would have to wait until someone came in and turned the light back on, which was sometimes a long time. Then after they turned the light on, you had other issues to think about. After they pee are they going to turn it off again? Probably. I had to make my move while I had a chance. But then they would know that there was some weird guy hanging out in a public bathroom in the dark. I decided to give a shout out and thank the peeing hero. I let him know some jackass turned the light out on me. I made sure to take a long time getting out of the stall so they wouldn’t see whom I was.

I soon learned to swallow my shame of shitting and I would let out a little cough, just enough to let them know I was there, and they should keep the lights on.

Di Uhreea (409) -- 10.02.2002

"but then they would know that there was some weird guy hanging out in a public bathroom in the dark"

OMFG!! That's so freakin hilarious!! I've turned the lights off before.....Now, I'll think twice before I do. Another useful lesson I've learned from PR. THX

Alexandra (not verified) -- 11.18.2002

There's a bathroom at my school that I enjoy using because it's not as trafficked as the other ones, but the problem is is that the lights are on a motion sensor. If I'm taking a meditation on the throne, or reading a good book, the lights go off. I have to swish my hand to get them to go back on. Lately I've been using the main bathrooms more often, in accordance with the Shameless Shitting Manifesto.

Toire-fan (not verified) -- 11.30.2002

I work at a junior college, and there are but two places on the entire campus that are proper venue to take a crap. (I'm a woman, by the way) The first is in front of the cafeteria, in clear view of everyone. The second is in front of the library. Oh the joy when I have opportunity to go clear across campus to use these beautiful facilities! Big, roomy, well-lit, they are a dream. They each have no fewer than fifteen stalls, which allows great anonymity.

5wipesormore (not verified) -- 04.25.2003

At Uni I liked the toilet stalls that had their own sinks. Not only could you wipe but you could wash your ass. Ensuring that after a booze and fastfood eating night when the shit comes out machine gun style, your anus is nice and clean as a dream. But I am a shameful shitter aren't I despite previous stories of shitting in front of others - but its all true. I don't understand my own pooing habits. I'm just strange.

healthy 1 (1423) -- 01.29.2007

Though I am a shameless shitter, I don't think I could bring myself to use piss infested bathrooms either.

I don't blame you for not using those test rooms.
_______
I am winter's hurricane, I am the great blizzard of 1899, and no body shall be exempt from my wrath.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 07.16.2007

I am so glad I can shit is a wonderful bathroom at my office. We have a small staff,seperate for M and F, charmin,custom tile on floor + walls,granite counter and toilets that if you stand to close when you flush you could be sucked in the bowl.
Producing waste since 1967

Hamster (580) -- 07.16.2007

MSS - if you could not organise a well appointed bathroom, who could!!?

Are you enjoying your trawl thro the archives!!? Is Monday a quiet day!!??

greenpoopertrooper (331) -- 07.31.2008

You have a gift for telling these stories.
_______
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

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