Last night, for Game Four of the American League Championship Series, I made my world famous Boston Lager Chili. That's right -- in addition to being a Shameful Shitter, I am also a Red Sox's fan. I make the chili for all the big games, and of course I enjoy the Sam Adams as I use it to cook. I ate the chili (it was excellent) and of course finished the six-pack of Sam Adams, and what happened -- the Red Sox won last night!!!
The problem came today, here at work, just moments ago. Upon arriving to the office today, I received an email from my boss informing me that there was a very important meeting at 9:15, and my presence was required. I thought nothing of it as I started on my second cup of coffee and went about morning routine. At 9:12, I headed down to the conference room, stopping to fill my coffee cup one more time on the way.
The meeting was about our new computer systems and how the changeover was happening and how all departments were coming along. My department was fine -- my report lasted less than two minutes and, for the most part, so did the others. But then we came to a woman whom I will call Crazy Know It All Bitch. CKIAB started down a long, drawn out, detailed explanation of how her department was coming along.
Meanwhile, back at the turd farm, my stomach started to do its thing. Three cups of coffee, world famous Boston Lager Chili... you can pretty much figure out about where I was at this point.
Now, as the meeting progressed, CKIAB started arguing with every department head on this and that -- and suddenly what should have been a quick half-hour progress meeting turned into a full-on two-hour session. I began to sweat, fidget, shuffle papers, and say things like, "I have a meeting with Sales in ten minutes, can I go?" To that I received a verbal slap down from CKIAB, informing me that I needed to stay.
Finally the meeting broke up. I made a quick dash to my office to get rid of the non-essential items and prepare for the imminent onslaught of shit that was ready to erupt. Quickly making my way to my out-of-the-way-safe-turd-haven bathroom, I settled in for what was one of the more painful shits of my life.
But here is what things took a nasty turn. Midway through evacuation, the door to my out-of-the-way-safe-turd-haven opened and someone entered. At this point, even though I am a Shameful Shitter, I could not stop what was happening. From out of nowhere I hear the voice on the other side of the stall say, "Hey, is that you?"
To that, I reply in broken turd-face English, "Yeah, what!?!?!"
What happened next I have never experienced in my life. As I sat there in stomach-wrenching Boston Lager Chili pain, making myself sick from the horrible smell coming out of my ass, this butthole proceeded to try and carry on a conversation with me about how much a pain in the ass the Crazy Know It All Bitch was. Burning shit is dropping from my ass like water, and this guy is asking me why she always has to get the last word!!!
Finally, as the ass-assault stops, I get the idea that if I just stay really still, maybe he will go away. No such luck -- and to make it worse, he says to me, "Wow, smells pretty awful in here... light a match."
I was sweaty, stinky, full of shame and in need of a shower, and this guy still did not leave. Finally I swallowed my pride, wiped my ass, stood up and exited the stall. This guy is sitting on the edge of the sink, sipping a coffee and having a conversation with someone who just got dragged through a fiery, chili-soaked hell. My only question: does this guy like the smell of other peoples' shit, or what?
-- Crappin in VT
