The Official Survival Guide to Taking A Dump at Work

m 1+ points - Newb

Areth sent this in a long time ago, after he got
it from his friend Allen. This is an oldie but a goodie. Chances are, you got this forwarded to you
at some point during your email life. If not, here it is, now preserved for the ages on PoopReport...

Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.


A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include
pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor
cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE


A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.


The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.


A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.


A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.


A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye


A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.


Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.


A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


120 Comments on "The Official Survival Guide to Taking A Dump at Work"

SupDogg's picture

My personal adendum to the Walk of Shame is The Innocent Bystander, in which the guilty party with especially stinky shit asks the people coming in something along the lines of "Man, you smell that? That shit stinks! Who the hell could've done that?" And continue to act as if you are disgusted by the smell of the shit.

Matt's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I work in a factory, so these things aren't necessary. People I work with take credit, even brag about their bowel movements! Either way, just wanted to say, I almost shit myself I was laughing so hard while reading this site. Thanks ;)

Fat Ass's picture


Adam's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Another which should be mentioned is the crack peeker.

Usually gay men who like to peek through the cracks in stall walls, especially if there is a mirror or glossy reflective tile on the walls. Watch out for them at all costs. Try hanging up your coat on the corner or shove toilet paper in the cracks to deter these freaks from peepin at yur hairy bottom.

Poo Diddy's picture

The Poop Parachute:

The act of lining the bowl water with toilet paper to prevent splashback.

Mandi's picture

Adam......I hear ya 'bout the people who look in the cracks of the stalls, the girls do it too. i always hang my coat up.

LMAO to Poo Diddy....thats a good idea thanks, i think I will use that one.

Do you guys think that spraying perfume in the bathroom would be a deadly give away??

MacG's picture

I used to work at a lumberyard. We had one single occupancy restroom for about a dozen guys, and there was this one dude, Willard, who was an out of the closet pooper. He would proudly march in and spend a good 40 minutes reading the paper and poopin. Well, of course, there was always someone who had to use the can, and we all got pretty pissed at his marathons. Finally, we glued a package of firecrackers to the end of a narrow board about six feet long, and waited. The next time he went in for the big after-lunch poop, we gave him a few minutes to get things moving, then laid the stick on the floor, lit the firecrackers, and kicked the end of the stick so that it went sailing under the door, with the firecrackers ending up roughly between his feet. Well, if he hadn't pooped by then, I can guarantee we helped his BM along! When Will opened the door a few minutes later, he emerged from a hilariously smokey haze, as there was no fan. After that, everyone was pretty quick on the potty. Until one day Scott took a little too long, and got an orange smoke bomb under the door!

Evil Bastard's picture

I am definitely "out of the closet". I walk in there with a book of crosswords, and I'm not even above asking for help from the poor sap at the urinal. The really evil part of it is that I hog the handicapped stall. I mean, I need my space, and the handrail comes in usefully in case of an extraordinarly fierce beast. Does anyone else ever see stars when passing a load?

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

There is nothing worse than the "neighbor". Vacancy problems will sometimes force someone to use an adjacent stall, but when there are open stalls, some etiquetteless douche-bag has to sit right next to you. You either want to move to the next stall with your pants around your ankles, or throw a grenade over the wall "a used piece of toilet paper". I've often thought about reaching under and grabbing his leg and pull him off the throne to beat his ass, but watch it be your boss. Forget about putting that job on your resume.

Simon Frankson's picture

I, Simon Frankson, Poop at work.

Brent's picture

Birds Nest - This is the act of lying TP on top of the toliet seat in order to save yourself from any nasty co-worker who left poo or piss on the seat. It is recommend to use this method when encountering a 'crack whore' or even a safe haven.

Sid's picture

I used to work in a factory where the warehouse shift let out before I did so every day at 3:20 I would roll into my favorite stall and launch a couple dirt snakes without the benefit of a courtesy flush. So after marinating for ten minutes the largely hispanic crew would walk in to wash up and begin a series of complaints in spanish regarding the foul stench of death in the air. Sometimes for added drama I would make a couple of comments in spanish back which was usually followed by an uneasy silence followed by nervous laughter.

Captain Feces's picture

Being the chivalrous person that I am, I was wondering how many of you men out there, while visiting the urinal, have enough respect for the shy shitter to actually provide a "Charity" flush at the urinal; that is, a flush provided by a person (other than the shitter) which is intended to make both the shitter and the person at the urinal more comfortable. I always charity fluch my fellow shitters because I know they need the support.

Captain Feces's picture

A few more to add to your wonderful list...


Definition: This is a pooper who is so stealthy that they can drop an entire log and then split before you even had a chance to finish urinating.


Definition: Someone who selects a single location in which they prefer to crap. The uni-pooper will often hold a colon-busting turd for extended periods of time avoid pooping in foreign bowls. Uni-poopers often have problems with hemorrhoids.


Definition: Contrary to the uni-pooper, this is a pooper who can make poop anywhere, anytime, and in any social setting. For the omni-pooper, there is often a sense of reward that accompanies pooping in a new and exotic location.


Definition: Someone who comes up with elaborate theories and/or ideas only while taking a shit. This individual has often used the john as an incubus for making life-changing decisions.


Definition: A person who goes so far as to fake either having to take a poop or a piss as an excuse to check themselves out in the mirror without seeming vain or insecure.


Definition: Someone who enters a bathroom to take a dump, sees that somebody

Gudlyf's picture

A story of my own to tell:

crapius maximus's picture

Several more terms...
Pepper-Specks- occrrus during wiping when the victim stands up and begins to wipe. Usually toliet paper filaments, ass hair, buttcheese, and dingleberries land on the toliet seat arranging for a plethora of assorted goodies
Water-Drop- usually occurrs in a resedential setting; used by coward-crappers to conceal their business...before a dump, they turn on the water and occasionally move their hand back and forth in a sweeping motion to give the idea that they are washing their hands; then, in order to flush, they pretend to blow their nose...thus the flush serves as a disguise as to why the pooper needed the throne
Yellow-Drops- occurrs with guys when they stand to wipe...urine has the potential to drip down and land on the seat
The Salute- after dumping, the pooper will turn his head (if you rright-handed, you will turn clockwise and vice versa) and admire his work before flushing (the bigger the crap, the more pride) in this brief period of bonding, prior memories of other notable dumps will flood the mind

The Other David's picture
l 100+ points

How about; 'IDENTITY THEFT'? That is one who takes a dump then tries to deny that s/he has done such and tries to make it appear that someone else thus present has done it to others also present.

Poop Diddy's picture


Ian The Crappy's picture

Don't forget the following:

The Pain in the Ass: shit that hurts(regardless of size or length)

Code Red: When lots of people need to shit really really bad (for example: diarreia sufferers) all in the same restroom (public)

Shitty pants: when lots of people line up outside a single occupancy bathroom and one or more needs to shit.

refresh's picture

and look all the way down pat
all they down the poop drain

die's picture

have a nice sleep you wont wake up

chad's picture

that came from you ripped it off

Anal Un-retentive's picture

I am the king of the 10 second dump! I hate ANY public restroom because they are nast baterial, fungal, funk filled shithouses. I often wonder how peoeple can actually blow shit all over a toilet. I am a non-meat eater so I tend to have very easy going healthy dumps. If for some reason I wasn;t able to conceive in the morning at my own home I plan my at the office very carefully. Avoiding "peak times" in our 2-stall bathroom to accomodate 20 guys. I wait until about 30 minutes before lunch (most of the nast shit blowing meat eaters have left thier stench already) I fly-by, if it looks like I'll have a moment of privacy I grab paper towels, thrown on the water (this avoids the shit water after-splash ass douche) drop the drawers and hover, thats right, hover. I aint touching my ass to that nasty sgut splattered bowl. I pinch a nice no-sticky loaf, wipe real quick (almost always one of clean "did I really wipe already kinda wipes), flush, pull up the pants, slam opne the door and get the hell out of there without touching the nasty piss & shit infescted sinks. Thats right, a bottle of WATERLESS HANG CLEANER in pocket is a damn sight better than touching someone elses shit particles on the bathroom sinks....So, to all you nasty meat eating carnivores, dont you realize that that stuff sits in your bowesl fermenting to the point of dead carcass in your ass. IIts very unpleasnat for the rest of us. Fat ass stiking Meat Eaters always tend to be the ones taking that huge nasty dump at 4 oclock in thew frikkin afternoon because thier bowels are plugged with dead carcass. STOP EATIN DEAD ANIMALS YOU STINKING FREAKS!!!

Pat McCrotch's picture

One time, I was beefing one out at work and it exploded out my ass and went all over the place. I put the big pieces in the refried beans. I fed some to my friend but didn't tell him what surprises were in it. Guess the joke's on him.
Then I got kidnapped by the turd burglars.

 pooper's picture

when i poop mine is usually harder than crap so i have to wait a while but then people throw wet paper towels at me so it makes me uncofterbul someone please write me back

Athena Ivan the Terrible's picture

hey there i thought i had already responded to this one, i guess could try drinking some prune seems to me you have problems with constipation? do you go regularly? sometimes irritable bowel syndrome can cause that too (i think, don't quote me.....i'm not a doctor or a sufferer of IBS so i don't know everything about it) if you have problems with hard poop, try to go at home before work or after work........after is probably better if its gonna take a while........people shouldn't be throwing things at you, have you talked to someone about this?
Athena Ivan

Anonymous Coward (that's right)'s picture

one of the best toilet wall "graffitis" i've seen (in yellowstone nat. park to be exact) "here i sit on the pooper, giving birth to a new state trooper"

# 2 fan of "Larry the Cable Guy"'s picture

Larry the Cable Guy said it best...

The cripple pooping stool ( ie. handicap stall ) is the Cadillac of the pooping stools...
It's almost always clean, there's plenty of legroom & the wall bars are handy for power squeezing!

Git er Done!!

Like Spice?'s picture

Indirectly poopish...
BAS-Burning Anal Sensation. That's what you get for eating spicy burritos with habanero salsa.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

If you want the ultimate habanero salsa story, please buy the Journal of Ass Production and read Dave's tale.
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

long distance bomber's picture

In response to the Nest theory. In my circle it is called "Laying a Foundation" is an absolute necessary step in a comfortable work poop. Combo it with a Poop Parachute and you can pretty much poop anywhere, that is unless you get Side Saddled by some arrogant pooper!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I guess I'm a special case or something. Not exactly at work, but rather in the dorm with the 6 other guys I lived with (one guy didn't have a roommate). I would actually warn them before committing mass terror on the Raleigh sewer, so they could prepare for the stench. My shit reeks. I have no problem being gassy and noisy, though I do always close the door. If someone comes in, I sit there on the pot quiet and idle and wait for the person to leave, then resume. Hmm... Enlightened Shamefulness maybe?

Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Captain Feces, above, refers to a TURD FLIRT as someone who hangs around waiting for another person occupying a stall to leave. The then says that "a TURD FLIRT who is waiting for an ELVIS is the definition of eternity."

An ELVIS is not defined, but I assume that is somebody who stays in there so long you assume he's dead?

Poop conoisseur's picture

Got this one from a co-worker:

ENOLA GAY (named after the B-29 that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima): You have to shit so badly when you enter the stall that it's already on its way out of you as you're pulling down your pants, as in "Open bomb bay doors..."

Frankenpoop's picture

Someone on this board mistakenly wrote "incubus" when they meant "incubator". here is the real, non-joke definition of an incubus: "1 : an evil spirit that lies on persons in their sleep; especially : one that has sexual intercourse with women while they are sleeping -- compare SUCCUBUS" : merriam-webster online.

Anyway, don't forget the CHAPERONE, the janitor who comes in and sets up for a half hour cleaning at the same moment that you are dropping a deuce.

CDIZZLE's picture


Definition- A rude awakening is when you are in that completely comfortable state of sleep dreaming about who knows what and you are hit with that extremely quick and painful feeling in your low belly. You are then forced to get out of your warm bed in the pitch black and stumble over unfolded clothes to reach the bathroom (usually happens about 45 minutes before you need to get out of bed) FUCK! I would suggest a “courtesy flush” for your own GOOD!

Shoe Dandruff's picture

Lava Chute: Buffalo Wild Wings - Blazin' wings eating contest (about 20) followed by spicy garlic hot wings (about 30). A couple of beers, and you have the ultimate recipe for 475 degree rectal resin spitting out about 4 times the next day

In pain's picture

Open Wound: An addition to "lava chute" above. After the rectal resin comes out, the pain that follows when trying to clean yourself properly with office TP so you dont have "the itch" all day

Poopy Brown's picture

They're on a mission. From the moment they come barreling through the bathroom door you see the fire in their eyes as they blaze a trail straight to the stall. They are never sidetracked. They then proceed to lay a highly audible though unseen assault on the toilet. The provided soundtrack evokes images the most violent movie you've seen.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

One of the best threads on the site!! I chuckled my way through it and learned that I'm a Ninja Omni-Pooper - and, whisper it, a bit of an Enola Gay too ..... !!!

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Thanks for the info Hammy!!! I'll file that under "shit I really didn't need to see about you in print".
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

holier than thou's picture

If you have biscuits and gravy and then you board a plane and you are up to 39000 feet and you need to take a dump and some big fat momma with a big booty is taking up 3 seats and only paid for one, and she is in the bathroom ,what in the hell are you supposed to do? I would go into the luggage compartment you nut case.Or you can hold your nut sack tight to take your mind off of the big fat lady in the stall and ;your big dump you need to take.

Rollin On's picture

"Hot Seat"
When you sit down expecting a nice cool seat but the seat is still warm from the guy that just left.

Molly Callender's picture

The worst work experience is when I came in from having a cigarette and the cold air gave me the hiccups. I walk into the restroom and someone had blown up the bathroom. I tasted crap for an hour. sick

Anonymous Coward's picture

Invisible Poop- When you have wiped your ass but you still feel somethng there

Anonymous Random Person who is not a Coward's picture

Hilarious AND helpful!!!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

The "David Copperfield":

You feel the huge poop leave your body.
There's no poop on the paper when you wipe.
There's no poop in the bowl when you look.
You flush, and a floater appears by magic!

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Chrisp's picture

Sometime try a "High-Diver" climb up to the top of the stall and straddle you legs over the two walls and shit, try to hit the toilet, if you miss c'est La Vie, but get out quick.

Or a top shelf, take the lid off the tank then drop one inside, watch the water turn brown for 2000 flushes, also known as a "upper decker"

my personal favor is the baby bird nest, pack the toilet with toilet paper until the bowl is dry and full of paper, then shit in the paper, cutting each turd about 4 inches.

have some fun..

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I've seen various versions of this list, but this looks like the whole one.
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

ass kicking snowboarder's picture

one time my good friend n i were shredding a hill n he had to shit, he didnt end up makin it to the lodge time.....the inside of his SPONSORED boarding suit was covered in shit....and he didnt have any more suits for the rest of the trip.....

dont ya just hate it when ya dont wipe good n ur ass itches all day?!

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.