Areth sent this in a long time ago, after he got
it from his friend Allen. This is an oldie but a goodie. Chances are, you got this forwarded to you
at some point during your email life. If not, here it is, now preserved for the ages on PoopReport...
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include
pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor
cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE
HAVEN.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
--Areth
