Hitting The Head

Posted 11.13.2003 by Greg K. (10)

My New Year's Resolution for 2003 was to get healthy. I was by no means fat, but a few too many nights of wings and beer were starting to catch up. So for the first two weeks of January I was straight up healthy -- lots of vegetables, exercise, etc. Then a good friend called me during work, wanting to go to Hooters after. No red-blooded male would refuse to go out for wings and beer with a hot chick, so I accepted. We met and shot the breeze while downing a few platters of wings and numerous pitchers of beer.

I woke up the next morning feeling fine. Since it was an abysmally cold Pennsylvania morning, I stopped at Uni-Mart for a coffee. In the past, coffee has served as a colossal catalyst for the intestinal system... but I digress. I got to work and started the day.

At the time, I worked in a large old industrial facility -- the kind that has been added to in bits and pieces over the years. I had to lay out a conduit run in the basement area, so I got the required gear on. Hard hat, steel toed Doc Martin's, safety glasses, protective coat, radio, flash light, and various tools. The basement of this plant is an exceptionally hot, humid, dirty, miserable place, so I usually try to get everything accomplished in one trip to minimize the agony.

By the time I made my way into the bowels of the plant, my intestines were growling... not a good sign. But I hate getting all suited up, so I continued on with the job. After about thirty minutes, it became clear that I gotta purge the system IMMEDIATELY. I subconsciously consider the options for restroom relief... yeah, that should do. A little-used restroom in the sub-basement area of the plant. A little-known refuge, but ideal for this day.

So I hauled ass in that direction, only to meet another co-worker. A hell of nice guy, no doubt, but notoriously long-winded. After a few agonizing minutes and some wretched farts I decide further communication is fruitless, and as soon as he turns his head to point out some minute detail I bolt from the area as fast as possible.

I climbed the stairs in record time and entered the abode, seemingly the aftermath of some long-forgotten expansion. It was obviously built as a one-stall unit, but a large ventilation duct was unfortunately placed so as to direct a stream of arctic-like air onto the hapless user. Thus, as an afterthought, a small second stall was added. Without hesitation, I oriented myself into stall #2 and sat down.

Now, maybe it's just me, but I can't attain dumping satisfaction while heavily dressed. So I shed the radio, the tools and the coat. I then took off the hard-hat and hung it on a nail jutting out of the particleboard some six feet off the ground and directly above the throne. I de-pantsed and was ready to start the evacuation when blackness ensued.

I awoke a while later to find myself sprawled naked on the floor, pants around the ankles, hard-hat and nail to my side. Somehow the damn nail slipped out and the falling hardhat had knocked me out cold. Thankfully nobody else entered while I was out, so I was spared from the specter of office rumors. Nonetheless, I had acquired a large lump on the head and a throbbing headache. So, beware all ye industrial shitters, unforeseen horrors abound.

-- Greg K.

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tdirium (not verified) -- 11.13.2003

it's scary to think that you could have been killed, and have just laid there all alone, in a forgotten bathroom, rotting slowly amid the scent of your unlflushed poop, forever. Congrats on not dying!

PoopIsMyFriend (not verified) -- 11.13.2003

Did you get to finish your crap?

Mudd (64) -- 11.13.2003

I too have to disrobe before my fecal work can begin. You should have sued claiming you have lost intrest in your bowel movements and quality of life has diminished.

a friend (not verified) -- 11.13.2003

Sounds to me like the toilet and toilet paper might of gotten a lucky break. I bet you would of abused it badly by the way you said you had to go.

AssBlaster2000 (1116) -- 11.13.2003

So, did you poop?

Green Dave (not verified) -- 11.13.2003

Hey, ME dave!!!!!! It's me, Green Dave
I'm sure that's going to make us want to hear what you have to say.
Come on, man.

nunyabizz (not verified) -- 11.14.2003

at least you didn't wake up lying in your shit! =-)

me dave disliker (not verified) -- 11.14.2003

how annoying of you mr ME dave

Pooper (not verified) -- 11.16.2003

I have epilepsy, and I've had similar experiences. A couple of times (before I was diagnosed) I went to the bathroom, a seizure would strike, and then I'd wake up on the floor with my pants down. Not fun! Fortuately, my epilepsy is controlled by medication now.

nunyabizz (not verified) -- 11.16.2003

poopnugget, your tale reminded me of the time i had to poop at a friend's house. i had to use her mom's bathroom and it was really small and cramped. there was a shelf behind the toilet with all her cosmetics and toiletries on it. the poo was kinda loose (eww) and i stood up before i flushed. well, as i stood up, i knocked a whole box of q-tips into the mess! (a LOT of them fell out of the box, into the water) needless to say, it wasn't fun cleaning that up! i had to end up cleaning the floor around the john because water and runny shit dripped off of the q-tips as i picked them out of the toilet and put them in the trash can. then i had to wash the trash can and buy my friend's mom a new box of q-tips!

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 11.16.2003

Hey nunyabizz! Why didn't you just put them back and pretend like nothing happened? If anyone asked, you could tell them these were new biodegradible Q-tips. You know, like the brown napkins at McDonald's?

poop (not verified) -- 11.16.2003

I just left a commment a little while ago, just thought I'd write back and let you all know I have to poop, and I'll be lookin up the whole time lol

Poopnugget (not verified) -- 11.16.2003

See the problem is in the position of the nail, never put anything directly atop the bowl. This goes for home as well like shampoo bottles and stuff. Many a time have I been at a friends place and either gotten stuff on the head, of lost forever in the river of poo.

nunyabizz (not verified) -- 11.17.2003

ha ha! imagine someone putting one of those fecal q-tips in their ear!

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 11.18.2003

The you know they'd be lying if they said, "I can't hear shit!"

Menkey (not verified) -- 12.12.2003

what the hell kind of hardhats do you use? working construction i've taken a few good cracks to the head, i even accidentally brought down 24 8' 2X4's on my head one day and walked away with only one hell of a headache(see the hardhat got knocked off as i was falling to the ground). some other items that have clocked me are a hardball, various rocks and a few punches (barfights). I know how hard a hardhat can hit when they fall, but i hardly think it's something that could knock you cold unless you've got a serious weakspot on your melon...perhaps a trip to the doc to get that checked is in order?

Greg K (not verified) -- 12.12.2003

Regards to Menkey....it was the typical MSA (Mine Safety Appliances) brown hardhat. I agree that the hardhat does provide exceptional protection while it is being worn in a proper fashion, but this thing turned upside-down in midflight and caught me totally unaware. In a bar-fight, the possibility of getting cracked in the head is at least sub-conciously contemplated and thusly somewhat defended against....but getting cranked in the shinny while taking a dump is something I've never seriously contempated.

SpongeBob (not verified) -- 06.03.2004

Funny, you could have died like Elvis did! On the crapper