I wonder what other criteria would count for this contest. Perhaps how long your stench leaves the bathroom unusable... although that might be hard to quantify.

Yo, David! Glad you took my suggestion and submitted this to Dave for the Front Page where it belongs, man. Good job, and some pure, potential PR reporting, as well.

You think an autflush is bad. Some of the toilets in my place of work have automatic lights that come on when you enter and cut out after a given time. You're in the middle of a leisurely crap and suddenly you're plunged into darkness well out of sight of the motion detector

OMG, clockwork that happened to me last weekend! I didn't realize they were on motion sensor, and no one else was in the building at the time. So i'm enjoying a nice long reading of the new Dark Tower book when the lights die on me. I had to scramble trying to find the toilet paper and hope I wiped enough away without checking the paper. It's very disorienting.

Here's hell for you. An automatic WATER SAVING toilet with one of those toilet paper dispensers that only gives you one square per pass. The lights are automatic and when the toilet flushes on you it sucks the shit right out of your asshole... Right before it clogs and floods the whole stall with your work of art and thirty million gallons of brown water. Death to the automatic toilet!!!!!

What am I missing? I don't understand the following part or know why it is funny. Was David in the stall? then he said he entered the stall....?:

"On one of these trips, and after admiring my deposits, I neglected to pull the square off of HAL 9000, thereby leaving my Little Debbies for the next hapless person to pay that stall a visit. As I re-entered the restroom to remove the paper, I saw a guy stick his head in my stall, say a couple choice curse words, then sashay over to the handicapped stall to take care of his business.

I slyly waited until I saw his pants drop to the floor to sneak into my stall and pull the square off the auto flusher. As I did this, I heard, "You bastard," whispered from the handicrapper. I ran from the restroom, stifling my laughter until I could get into the hallway."

He was in, crapped then left.
He remembered about the paper.
He came back to remove the paper.
When he was there, the dude was looking in his stall.
He waiting till the guy sat down.
He then removed the paper off the autoflusher.
The dude called him a bastard.
He ran out laughing.

Those one-square-per-pass dispensers piss me the fuck off. Man, just thinking about it makes me mad. I'm a bit of a toilet paper queen. I don't like even a slim chance of shit or pee touching my hand so I wad it up when I wipe. I'm seeing red just thinking about those evil things. As for the autoflush toilets, I don't mind that they whisk everything away before you get a look, but I do mind that they splash all over your bare ass. My kids are both out of diapers but I still carry those butt wipes for just such emergencies. Toilet water all over my ass indeed!

i know a way you can see ur poop crom right outta your anus... all you have to do is take a mirror and a flashligt and hold the mirror in the bowl slightly away from the front edge and point the flashlight at the mirror and let em go!

wow what a nifty little technique. ive always wanted to see what it looks like when you pinch a loaf from the south angle. i think ill try that

On a trip to California in September, I used one of those automatic flush-equipped bathrooms at the airport, and the damned thing seemed out of control. I mean, it flushed every other minute, whether I had pissed, farted, crapped or just yawned. Very irritating if you are trying to read the sports section of the Sunday paper or just trying to organize the rest of your day with your pants down around your ankles. I sure don't like those 'evil red-eyes' one bit, so maybe I'll try the Charmin blocking technique next time I encounter one. I also think it's a good health practice to get a visual on your crap before you wipe and flush, so I think these auto-flush devices are a bad, bad idea all around.

Thanks I get it now. Must of had a brainfart.

Man, If you want to have some fun at the office shitter, then I got a classic one. the next time you walk in for a piss and there is some one dumpin and someone pissin, start making some loud ass fartin noises with your mouth. the person pissin will be embaressed as hell. they wont even talk, for fear of the person dumpin thinking its them. Who cares about your turds, Unless they are huge or floatin around

its a lovely little jaunt. And clever, too. Sometimes I think the basis for all jeering is jealousy. DONIKER. You know its true.

Hey TBW, thanks for the comments on your first post. I've found my home on PoopReport! Re: your second post, one of my pooping-friends at work says the auto-flush goes Loco if you're wearing a black t-shirt. Dave Snook, aka: Poop-O-Matic

My official PR welcome to ya, man. Glad it's worked out for you, and if you get a chance, try joining some of us in the Chat Room Sunday through Thursday. Prime times are usually 7:30 to 8:30 Central and then anywhere from 9 to midnight Central. (Check in and out.)

As for that out of control auto-flush at the airport back in September, I think you just solved the mystery. I was wearing a black dress shirt with some little silver curly-ques on it on the trip out. One of my fav shirts, but I had no idea it was such an instigator of evil eyes. LOL!

Loved the suggestions. I too have a distaste for the auto-flushers. I once used one that flushed before I stood up and it back splashed my entire underside. Great story.

when i go into a bathroom and i goto the urinals i get near one of the occupied stalls and i start blowwing loud wet and gurgly raspberrys then i yell JEEZOHMIGHTY WHO THE HELL IS MAKING THAT?!?!?!?! then i run out. and then i wait about 5 second and the other people are walking out too (fast)

This story is a tad weird... poop contests at the office? digital cameras? Yeah that'll happen.

Brilliant! As an avid gamer and pooper, this would be the greatest invention to me. Especially because today I overcame the greek god-powered toilets here at work and clogged one. Don't ask why, it was just a major feat for me. I wish I could've left my initials behind. I was proud.

everyone has expressed their dislike for the auto-flush potties, but i feel a little underpriviledged because i have never even gotten the chance to use one. hmm....

You're not missing anything.

Poop contests are funny. One time a co-worker of mine knew that I read poopreport a lot. Well, on his honeymoon he shit a "curler". He put a flower in it and emailed it to me. He thought it was funny. It was gross and awkward.

what..? you mean the dude took a pic of his turd, put a flower on it, and emailed it to you? well hell, you should have taken a pic of some seriously nasty shit and emailed it to him. he prolly wouldn't send you anymore pics after that....

Haven't you ever heard of ratemypoo.com? The sick bastard takes a picture of his poo and puts it on the internet every day so people can rate it. For what, I've never figured out. But they do rate it. Of course there was always my friend who thought I said rapemypoo.com.

these shitters rock compared to the bogs i gotta put up wit. maintenance only comes in 1ce a month even if theres a blockage or a flood. and fuck 1 sheet id rather have 1 sheet normal than the fucking cheap rubbish we get. its like sandpaper man, and i got a sensitive tushi

lol ur website fucking hilariASS dat aint right lol i sent links 2 this site 2 like 20 pplz!

lol this website fuckin rules! i luv it! lol

This guy should probably be fired.

This guy should probably be fired.