The Hunt For The Mad Shitter

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m 1+ points - Newb
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In the late 90s, while attending college at Ohio University in Athens, I worked for two years at a shitty little grocery/hardware store on Richland Avenue called C&E. The place was owned by an old, bitchy, cheapskate cunt named Evelyn. C&E stood for Charles and Evelyn, but we all called it Cheap & Easy. The place was a skanky little hole, and we always wondered how it passed health department standards. The plumbing upstairs was ancient, and, as the story I'm about to tell you will illustrate in full comic detail, the place eventually began to reek of poopy pipes. But just as bad and as baneful as the poopy-ass pipes themselves were the actions of a skanky, scandalous individual who came to be known as The Mad Shitter.

It soon became apparent to me, my other co-workers, and especially to the manager, Big Fat Mike, that someone in the building had a shitting problem. Perhaps it was a means to protest such inadequate bathroom facilities, or perhaps it was just a kinky, stinky form of fecal fetish -- who knows. But someone was going butt wild in the shitter. I shall never forget the day when Derrick Merrick, one of my co-workers, with a cigarette hanging from his lips and redneck anger in his eyes, stood holding the bathroom door open and exclaiming, "Someone got shit on rims! SHIT ON THE RIMS!!! Goddamn it, Shieeet on the Rieeems!!!"

On another occasion, Big Fat Mike had to take a massive dump. He always did once a day, like clockwork. But on this day, Big Fat Mike went into the bathroom and then angrily walked out, having found the toilet not working and shit all over the rim again. Big Fat Mike was FURIOUS -- he started cussing and yelling, and as he walked down the steps he proclaimed, "The Mad Shitter strikes AGAIN!" Everyone heard him say it, and everyone was laughing like crazy. From that day forward, the mysterious shit bandit was referred to as The Mad Shitter.

The Mad Shitter would strike like a thief in the night, and people started to get pissed off -- especially when the Mad Shitter began striking the women's restroom! One lady named Liz exclaimed, "Well, we know the Mad Shitter has to be a man, because women don't have turds like THAT!" The men's restroom had a smaller, skankier toilet than the women's, but the women's toilet sometimes wouldn't flush properly. The Mad Shitter would leave his stanky loads floating in the women's toilet.

Things really began to heat up. One day I saw Joy, the older cashier lady, holding the bathroom door open with an extremely angry look on her face. She was standing there, a cigarette hanging from her lips, plunging the smelly turds in the toilet and cussing like a sailor, viciously cursing the Mad Shitter as she plunged his shit down the broken toilet. She was obviously angry, and she clearly felt a sense of indignation at having to plunge such filth; so maybe that's why when I initially approached her to ask what was going on, she showed me what the Mad Shitter had left in the toilet.

When I looked, I almost puked right then and there. "Ugh!!" I exclaimed. "Wonder what that mother fucker eats? Tacos and snakes?!" It was such a nasty sight, all swirled and twisted up like Medusa's snakehead, and the smell was overpowering -- in fact, just thinking about it right now as I type this line almost makes we want to throw up all over this keyboard.

Not long after that incident, the pipes in the store got clogged, and the whole fucking store began to smell like SHIT. People would come in off the streets and exclaim, "It smells like poop in here!"

Yet, for some reason, people would still shop there for their groceries.

Nevertheless, the poopy smell permeating throughout began to have a negative impact on the place. Some major work had to be done. It was at this time that I took it upon myself to catch the Mad Shitter. He had gone too far. I was tired of hearing about his shitty capers and getaways. I was going to expose this freak for who he was, because no one else would. I was determined once and for all to end his shitty-ass ways.

Every night I would go to my special hiding place in the back stockroom, where I could scope out the entire area and see who was entering and exiting the bathrooms. I would wait there quietly behind bags of dog food and watch for signs of the Mad Shitter's approach.

Several nights went by, and nothing. I was beginning to lose hope, thinking I couldn't catch the bastard.

Until, one fateful night, I spotted the damned Mad Shitter! I wasn't sure it was him at first -- it was an older fellow named Jeff, a night manager over in the hardware department. But as I sat quietly behind the bags of dog food, secretly watching his every move and ringing my hands with excitement, I saw him pause at both bathroom doors. He looked all around to make sure that no one was watching him. He looked at the door of the men's restroom, but then turned to the door of the women's, opened it and walked in! I had him now! I grabbed my pricing gun, clutching it like James Bond, and thought, "I've got you, motherfucker!!"

It was now time to expose the Mad Shitter so that everyone would know his true identity. I ran down the stairs to the main floor of the store as fast as lightning, all the way up to the front desk. There I saw Liz and Edwin.

"The Mad Shitter is in the women's bathroom right now! I want you to see him exit the women's restroom and bear witness to his true identity!" They followed me up the stairs and waited with me in the hall outside the bathroom while the Mad Shitter was in the can doing his dirty deed. A few minutes went by. Finally Jeff emerged from the bathroom. To his surprise, he found three people waiting there, staring right at him!

Jeff's face turned as red as a fire engine. He immediately walked into the men's restroom, emerged with the plunger and some paper towels, and, without a word, walked right back into the women's restroom to clean up his own shit for once! Hahaha!!!!!

We all laughed about his ass like crazy for the next couple of hours. The fucked-up thing is, he stopped by the grocery department a little later that evening and tried to act like nothing had happened -- but you could tell that he was nervous as fuck. As soon as he walked in, everyone was trying like hell not to laugh at his dumb ass. He was anxiously talking and rambling on about some bullshit, and everyone was trying really hard not to look him in the eye for fear of just busting up laughing. The story spread like wildfire, but nobody said a word to him about the incident. It didn't matter -- he knew that everyone now knew that he was the Mad Shitter.

The good news: after that, he never pulled that nasty shit trick again.

-- Gene I.

28 Comments on "The Hunt For The Mad Shitter"

ThreePly's picture
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Oh man that is awesome. You have the skills of a CSI agent. Maybe its because I worked in a grocery store for a few years (cheap plug: stories about poop - The Legend of Baggers Pants) but I found the imagery of you clasping the pricing gun like James Bond hilarious. "I've got you motherfucker!!" - my favorite line from the story. Mission accomplished, my friend. Congratulations.

still_shitting's picture
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wow. thats a good one

nasty shit trick

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points
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"with a cigarette hanging from his lips and redneck anger in his eyes, stood holding the bathroom door open and exclaiming, "Someone got shit on rims! SHIT ON THE RIMS!!! Goddamn it, Shieeet on the Rieeems!!!"

Fucken hysterical. Good stuff

-Pill Pooper

SplashBack's picture
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When i worked construction, we had a similar incident with the toilts being in but no running water. Someone would every couple of days leave a present for the next day. At first we thought it was kids, but by the third job site and months later the foreman found out it was one of the framers. And being a genral laborer at the time, it was my job to fish it out and clean it up. Hated that job, and when i found out who it was. I left a steamer in his pickup.

thepoopman's picture
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amazing story

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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I haven't had anything great to read in a while, so the hunt for The Mad Shitter really improved my day.

I'd have demanded a huge reward for the capture of this lunatic. That, and i'd love to see him hauled off to jail, and come back with such an incontinent butthole, that he could never pull this prank ANYWHERE.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Wonderful story! You have an insane sense of justice like I do. I wonder, did you ever fantasize about breaking into his house and screwing up HIS bathrooms? I would have. I'm kind of nuts like that.

You did a great job writing this story. Me likey.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Amazing Anus's picture
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SWEET!! that is awsome, I det Jeff is sitting right now thinking about that! you should have gotten a lable gun and labled him "Mad Shitter" haha!

Amazing Anus's picture
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******bet***** oops.....

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I nominate The Amazing Anus for best email address of the year.
Fattyfattyfofatty
Bananafannafo-atty
Feefimomatty
F-Atty!

Lovin' it, and McDonald's can kiss my bum because I used their phrase.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

William's picture
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Turd terrorism at its worst..and stinkiest!!!

The Amazing Anus's picture
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Why, I'm honord Daphne

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Why, you're welcome. So, what do people think when you give them your email address? When I give them mine, expensivewino13, I often get funny looks. It's only funnier when I slur my speech when I tell them what it is.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

This one had me laughing my ass off.

That guy was such a dumb fuck! My, God! Didn't he know where to aim his fucking ass! Even people in politics know THAT!

Shit hero of the week, Glen!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

anus's picture
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Pop pop pop pop poppa poppa pop pop!

Pll pll pll pll!

Translation: This was a great story!
*anus laughter*

Pooperscooper's picture
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One of you should've had a camera handy.

The only thing missing from this story is--what the hell did Jeff eat that he produced such horrible turds?

Aside from these minor quibbles, you did a damn good job. We need you to go look for Osama bin Laden.

The Amazing Anus's picture
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In response to Daphne's question, they just say it suits me....YAY!!!!!!!!!

G Ras's picture
l 100+ points
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I would have loved to have read how you all ganged up on him and beat the sick bastard with bags full of returned pop bottles.

It must have been priceless to see him caught in the act....... for some reason I am feeling the endorphin fueled sense of well being that you get when a major injustice is rectified.... like I caught him or something.

Peace
G Ras

Perhaps I am an asshole and so much time has pass you probably won't even read this .... but in my defense.... this site is all about funny stuff that happens to us about shit in the course of everyday living.... and may I say in my story I too got shit

Gene I.'s picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Wow, I'm glad that so many people enjoyed the True Story of the Mad Shitter of Athens, Ohio. Mad Shitters just give regular everyday people who enjoy taking a nice healthy dump a bad name! I did the right thing by capturing the Mad Shitter of C&E, and exposing him for who he was, and laughing at his dumb ass the remainder of the time I worked there.

I did a quick Google Search of the term "Mad Shitter", and found that this skanky phenomena involving "Mad Shitter" types has been going on for a long time! In fact, some of the stories about Mad Shitters that I read online made the story I gave you seem lame in comparison, I mean, there have been some really Wild-Ass Mad Shitters out there! I think the Poop Report should document this crazy stuff.

One story that I read on-line, for example, involved a Mad Shitter who worked for Texas Instruments in the 1980s, and this scandalous Mad Shitter left shit all over the offices of many of the corporate executives many times, and this particular Mad Shitter never got caught! Here's a link to the story of the wildest Mad Shitter:

http://www.chriskilmer.com/2003/11/attack_of_the_m.html

Also, I saw an interesting story about a Mad Shitter who struck many times at a Military Base in Germany during the Vietnam War Era. This Mad Shitter left poop in some really wild places, even in washing machines! This G.I. Mad Shitter was eventually caught, and this story can be found at the following web address:

http://79thengineers.fateback.com/TheMadShitter.htm

Finally, I found a Hilarious comic book online that documents a Mad Shitter student who struck a public school a number of times before being caught. This Mad Shitter was actually a girl! The comic art is Hilarious, and here's the link to this site:

http://www.mikedawsoncomics.com/gabagool/gabagool5two.html

Enjoy!

 Georgia women do that too!!!!!'s picture
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anyway, believe this...women do blow poop everywhere. I have come to the conclusion that they stand high and try to aim...thus blowin' crap everywhere. I also think they hold it in til' the last moment and in an anus of rage shoot it out of their butt canon...but really the ? is when they leave a bowl of crap with poop on the seat, walls, and tank...Why is it theres no toilet paper?

terry's picture
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Well, I can attest to this story, as living in Athens, and being familiar with C&E, I know the sotry of which he speaks.

Tony's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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That is the funniest "shit" I have read in a long time we call it the "flexfiles" LOL

The arse bandit's picture
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Don't you just hate that feeling when u know ur gonna explode if u don't shit soon, yet the only toilet is some crappy bus station shitter thats just filth, so not wanting to perch your cheeks on the manky rim you crouch precariously, pull down ur trousers and take aim, when u think ur lined up for the water (takin into account, gravity drop, estimated thrust and wind speed etc) you let her rip.. And much to your suprise you pebble dash the entire bowl, rim, seat and half the floor, what does hit the water causes a mini tsunami resulting in sprayback which is just nasty.. now.. you use the newspaper u just bought to clean the worst affected areas of urself before u leave quickly.. Its only a matter of time before the smell induces vomiting, so u must do this quickly.. Then u leave, knowing its not gonna get cleaned for weeks.. nasty really isn't it?

Naz's picture
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We have a simular situation at my work place.
we employee a couple hundred people and have multiple shit houses available.
Any suggestions on how to catch our mad shitter would be greatly appreciated.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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We are in need of your fecal forensic services at Damage Recovery Systems in Pottstown. The Mad Shitter or possibly a copycat has been striking the toilets there for the past 5 years. All efforts to nab the filthy fibre f*cktard have resulted in frustration. He is toying with the FBI (Fecal Bureau of Investigation). I'm sure the company will compensate you for your efforts.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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muwahahahah the Mad Shitter strikes again!!! oh no wait its the Mad Crapper, thats who it was, he was framing the Mad Shitter all this time!

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Anonymous's picture
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lol- what about the bloke in Melbourne who used to leave a steaming grogan up the back of the last tram to town, 3 or 4 nights a week - lol!

Big Bongin Baby did a tribute song for him called .......wait for it......THE MAD SHITTER!

Anonymous's picture
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As Chraile Sheen says, this article is “WINNING!”