The Hunt For The Mad Shitter
In the late 90s, while attending college at Ohio University in Athens, I worked for two years at a shitty little grocery/hardware store on Richland Avenue called C&E. The place was owned by an old, bitchy, cheapskate cunt named Evelyn. C&E stood for Charles and Evelyn, but we all called it Cheap & Easy. The place was a skanky little hole, and we always wondered how it passed health department standards. The plumbing upstairs was ancient, and, as the story I'm about to tell you will illustrate in full comic detail, the place eventually began to reek of poopy pipes. But just as bad and as baneful as the poopy-ass pipes themselves were the actions of a skanky, scandalous individual who came to be known as The Mad Shitter.
It soon became apparent to me, my other co-workers, and especially to the manager, Big Fat Mike, that someone in the building had a shitting problem. Perhaps it was a means to protest such inadequate bathroom facilities, or perhaps it was just a kinky, stinky form of fecal fetish -- who knows. But someone was going butt wild in the shitter. I shall never forget the day when Derrick Merrick, one of my co-workers, with a cigarette hanging from his lips and redneck anger in his eyes, stood holding the bathroom door open and exclaiming, "Someone got shit on rims! SHIT ON THE RIMS!!! Goddamn it, Shieeet on the Rieeems!!!"
On another occasion, Big Fat Mike had to take a massive dump. He always did once a day, like clockwork. But on this day, Big Fat Mike went into the bathroom and then angrily walked out, having found the toilet not working and shit all over the rim again. Big Fat Mike was FURIOUS -- he started cussing and yelling, and as he walked down the steps he proclaimed, "The Mad Shitter strikes AGAIN!" Everyone heard him say it, and everyone was laughing like crazy. From that day forward, the mysterious shit bandit was referred to as The Mad Shitter.
The Mad Shitter would strike like a thief in the night, and people started to get pissed off -- especially when the Mad Shitter began striking the women's restroom! One lady named Liz exclaimed, "Well, we know the Mad Shitter has to be a man, because women don't have turds like THAT!" The men's restroom had a smaller, skankier toilet than the women's, but the women's toilet sometimes wouldn't flush properly. The Mad Shitter would leave his stanky loads floating in the women's toilet.
Things really began to heat up. One day I saw Joy, the older cashier lady, holding the bathroom door open with an extremely angry look on her face. She was standing there, a cigarette hanging from her lips, plunging the smelly turds in the toilet and cussing like a sailor, viciously cursing the Mad Shitter as she plunged his shit down the broken toilet. She was obviously angry, and she clearly felt a sense of indignation at having to plunge such filth; so maybe that's why when I initially approached her to ask what was going on, she showed me what the Mad Shitter had left in the toilet.
When I looked, I almost puked right then and there. "Ugh!!" I exclaimed. "Wonder what that mother fucker eats? Tacos and snakes?!" It was such a nasty sight, all swirled and twisted up like Medusa's snakehead, and the smell was overpowering -- in fact, just thinking about it right now as I type this line almost makes we want to throw up all over this keyboard.
Not long after that incident, the pipes in the store got clogged, and the whole fucking store began to smell like SHIT. People would come in off the streets and exclaim, "It smells like poop in here!"
Yet, for some reason, people would still shop there for their groceries.
Nevertheless, the poopy smell permeating throughout began to have a negative impact on the place. Some major work had to be done. It was at this time that I took it upon myself to catch the Mad Shitter. He had gone too far. I was tired of hearing about his shitty capers and getaways. I was going to expose this freak for who he was, because no one else would. I was determined once and for all to end his shitty-ass ways.
Every night I would go to my special hiding place in the back stockroom, where I could scope out the entire area and see who was entering and exiting the bathrooms. I would wait there quietly behind bags of dog food and watch for signs of the Mad Shitter's approach.
Several nights went by, and nothing. I was beginning to lose hope, thinking I couldn't catch the bastard.
Until, one fateful night, I spotted the damned Mad Shitter! I wasn't sure it was him at first -- it was an older fellow named Jeff, a night manager over in the hardware department. But as I sat quietly behind the bags of dog food, secretly watching his every move and ringing my hands with excitement, I saw him pause at both bathroom doors. He looked all around to make sure that no one was watching him. He looked at the door of the men's restroom, but then turned to the door of the women's, opened it and walked in! I had him now! I grabbed my pricing gun, clutching it like James Bond, and thought, "I've got you, motherfucker!!"
It was now time to expose the Mad Shitter so that everyone would know his true identity. I ran down the stairs to the main floor of the store as fast as lightning, all the way up to the front desk. There I saw Liz and Edwin.
"The Mad Shitter is in the women's bathroom right now! I want you to see him exit the women's restroom and bear witness to his true identity!" They followed me up the stairs and waited with me in the hall outside the bathroom while the Mad Shitter was in the can doing his dirty deed. A few minutes went by. Finally Jeff emerged from the bathroom. To his surprise, he found three people waiting there, staring right at him!
Jeff's face turned as red as a fire engine. He immediately walked into the men's restroom, emerged with the plunger and some paper towels, and, without a word, walked right back into the women's restroom to clean up his own shit for once! Hahaha!!!!!
We all laughed about his ass like crazy for the next couple of hours. The fucked-up thing is, he stopped by the grocery department a little later that evening and tried to act like nothing had happened -- but you could tell that he was nervous as fuck. As soon as he walked in, everyone was trying like hell not to laugh at his dumb ass. He was anxiously talking and rambling on about some bullshit, and everyone was trying really hard not to look him in the eye for fear of just busting up laughing. The story spread like wildfire, but nobody said a word to him about the incident. It didn't matter -- he knew that everyone now knew that he was the Mad Shitter.
The good news: after that, he never pulled that nasty shit trick again.
-- Gene I.