I have often wanted to share some of my experiences of pooping at the workplace, but always stopped
short of actually composing a piece about the subject for fear of not doing it justice. For me, as
many others I'd hope, poop at the workplace is more than a daily habit, it is a profound and sacred
ritual.
Think of those unfortunate souls huddled outside three, four, five times a day for a few minutes at a
time, sucking down a cigarette before they have to run back to their desks. For them, this is their
time away from the redundant and banal life they lead staring at a monitor. This is their freedom, a
couple of puffs on the sidewalk. Many even take this momentary break as some sort of worker's right,
like health insurance. "Take my calls, I'm grabbing a cigarette", they call to their secretary as
their nicotine hunger beckons them. Five minutes later, they're back, winded and disheveled; this is
their "break"?
Ah, but to bask upon a toilet seat, there is no greater joy. That is why I take shit breaks. Long
ones. And often. It is far more discreet to casually walk down your hall than to wait for an
elevator and actually leave the building. You don't need to ever wear a coat or carry anything around
with you. If you have done your research, you have your favorite, most relaxing stall in the
quietest, least-used bathroom in your building.
You come prepared with something to read, or perhaps
your Palm Pilot for a nice game of Dope Wars. You are totally removed from the grind of work, in an
almost meditative state. Sometimes, if it's not quiet enough, I pop in some earplugs for complete
peace. There is no fear that your boss will catch you, and no one would dare come up to you and ask,
"Can I bum one" while you're shitting.
So I shit everyday at work. Often twice. And I spend at least 20 minutes per shitting. I read,
relax, think. I am my own man, for at least this part of the day. Sometimes I shit so long I get
pins and needles in my legs. The feet go numb and I can't walk out of the bathroom. So I wait at the
sink, washing my face and picking my nose, until the feeling comes back.
Sure, there are times when I am not alone in my sanctuary. That's okay, we all understand each other
here. There are no suspicious looks in this place, only happy recognition. When you exit, though, be
careful. The people on the outside may not understand. They might think there is something weird
about a man who spends a half-hour in the toilet at work. Walk quickly to your desk and avoid eye
contact and you should be fine.
Sometimes, on slow days, the rush of sneaking back to my desk without
being caught is enough of an adrenaline boost to get through the rest of my mind-numbing day.
Ah, poor smokers who know not the joys of the poop.
-- Joe
