A few years ago I worked as a machine operator at a local glassware factory. The company was fairly large, and thus the employees were treated to the joys of "Sensitivity Training," including sexual harassment seminars. Unfortunately, the guys I had chosen to buddy-up with at the plant were pretty much like myself -- possessing little or no couth in general -- which, in attending these classes, was a recipe for disaster.
Our schedules were such that you would work four days, then have 48 hours off, unless you got forced over or were called in. Thus party times were few and far between for me; so when the opportunity arose, I would make up for what I missed with a vengeance. This class happened to be scheduled for the day after the first night of my weekend. Needless to say, I had a pretty nasty hangover-- which, God knows why, always induces me to laugh at the dumbest shit. Probably because I am still half-shitfaced from the previous night.
Walking down the main drive to work that morning (because no hourly employees were allowed to drive in), I ran into my buddy Stush. This guy was just indescribable. His sheer lack of morals and decency was truly admirable. He had an evil grin as soon as he saw me, and I knew trouble was brewing.
"Hey Mike," was the first thing he said to me. "I got the shits... tee hee..."
I knew I was in for it. Stush was well aware that it took nothing more than a little squelcher to crack me up. He immediately regaled me with the tale of his previous night's dinner and the resulting horrible stench that was now emanating from his bowels. He was priming me for class. Mission: make me laugh.
We made it to the conference room for the sexual harassment seminar. The room was loaded. The entire red crew was there (crews were given color coding for scheduling), and I was feeling like total shit. But at least I had a grin on my face.
I was desperately trying to find a seat between two people so I wouldn't have to sit next to Stush, but everyone decided to fill them all in as they came that day, and so he plopped right down next to me with his leering lunatic grin and proceeded to let one fly. This first one was small, but the smell was quite large, and I couldn't help but let out a chuckle.
The class started and things weren't too bad. Stush was occasionally ripping one, but I was handling myself admirably -- until I felt a rumble in my gut. "Ruh roh, beer shits coming on!" I thought, but it was just a little fart of my own. Then Stush looked at me and let rip a huuuuuuge fart -- it was massive, like a damn Category Five hurricane of shit stench.
Most everyone in the class maintained their manners. I, however, was now crossing over into the red zone. A full torrent of giggles was coming, and once they arrive, it's over for me -- I get them for a good couple of hours, and they recur every time I think of what caused them in the first place.
Up to this point, I had been spacing out on the content the instructor (a plant management official) had been shoveling at us. However, I thought if there was ever a time to pay attention, it was right now. Hopefully I could concentrate on class and forget the damn evil farting giant next to me.
Exactly when I decided to pay attention, the instructor told us that there would be an interpreter for the two deaf employees who were there. Yikes! I'm not one to make fun of the handicapped myself, but I am far from immune to a joke involving a disabled person... sorry. Anyway, Stush decided to play this card now and began making screwed up faces while whispering groans and grunts like a deaf person trying to talk. I'm turning red and can feel the explosion coming... and soon. He then began to make hand gestures as if trying to sign me something very urgent. The signs meant he urgently had to shit his pants as he let loose a string of tuba blasts to shame any band geek, complete with a lingering drum solo on the metal chair.
At this point I was nearly crying, and literally had a hand clamped over my mouth to hold in the giggles. Little tee hee hee's are coming out around it, reminiscent of Ernie from Sesame Street's laugh.
I looked over at Stush at that point and he blows ass and I just bust -- huge guffaws sounding like "pffffff hah ha tee heee BA HA HA HA," which taper into little girl giggles. And then all the relaxing from letting this loose must have loosened my ass because a moderate trumpet blast burst out from my pants, echoing around the formerly-quiet room, which resulted in fresh gales of laughter from me. The whole room turned and all I could say was, "Sorry, I got a case of the giggles."
After the blessed event, Stush told me, "Mike, you sounded like the biggest pussy... hah hah." I think there's a special spot in Hell for Stush.
-- Mike R.
