PACKAGING KIND:
Never been seen.
PRINTED SUPERLATIVES:
Although it's never seen in any sort of package, the text should read something like, "Not intended for human ass-wiping."
PRINTED COMPARISONS:
I would compare the texture of this T.P. to sun-dried elephant skin, giant saguero cactus, Bahamian coral, and/or thistle-infused burlap.
ANY OTHER INFO:
This is the generic "Brand X" that is found in high-schools, stadiums, and low-rent corporate offices. No one knows where it comes from, but it hurts.

OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION:
One huge roll of nameless toilet paper, often in a locked dispenser, found in places where you usually don't want to be caught crapping. It actually requires a specialized dispenser--usually a large, translucent cylinder affixed to the wall of the stall, with an unforgiving searrated edge, and a special keyhole that only the janitor can unlock.
SUBJECTIVE REVIEW:
We've all had to use it. It's that huge roll of paper that scraped up your dirty leather starfish in high school. It's that faceless, feature-less T.P. that drove deep fissures into your pink pucker at Shea Stadium. You may as well sit on a belt-sander to wipe your corn-hole, because it would be more comfortable than using this weapon of ass-destruction. And who can you complain to? No one. Because the manufacturer has an unlisted phone number.
ANYTHING ELSE:
Only use in extreme emergencies. Double it over 6 or 7 times to achieve the thickness of one average ply. And pick up some anusol on the way home, 'cause your balloon-knot is gonna' be hurtin', Charlie.

SOFTNESS	1
CLEAN-UP ABILITY	1
STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY	1
TEXTURE	1
QUALITY OF PERFORATION	N/A
APPEARANCE	1
AESTHETICS OF BRAND NAME	1
AESTHETICS OF PACKAGING	1
FUNCTIONALITY OF PACKAGING	1

SCENTED?	no
QUILTED?	no
PERFORATED?	no
PATTERNED?	no

editor's note: want to see other toilet paper reviews? Check out The World's Most Comprehensive Survey of Toilet Paper Brands.