If you are like the average worker bee, droning away in your cubicle day in and day out, you know
that getting through the day is a matter of merely perfecting a routine that will get you through the
day. You have a pattern for how to avoid the "new project," for when to take lunch, and for how to
pleasantly decline any interaction with your co-workers outside of the business day.
Why, then, don't you have a solution to how to pick where you spend the most important moments of
your business day? The only time that is truly yours... your daily poo break.
Assuming the typical layout of the average late-Twentieth Century office lavatory, you are faced
with a decision that is based as much on your philosophical outlook as it is on your need for comfort.
Plus, one needs to consider the ever-important office politics that could shape you future. A few
scenarios will demonstrate this.
LOCATION
The most important factor to take into consideration is the position of the stall relative to the
layout of the entire room. The closer the stall is to the door, the more likely people will pass by it
on their way to their own stall or opposing urinal. The more traffic your stall encounters, the more
likely you are to be fingered as an "at work shitter."
This is where your own values come into the decision process. Are you comfortable with your own
shit? Do you feel shame about your dirty waste? Basically, the traffic issue forces you to ask this
question: "If a bear shits in the woods, and no one sees it happen, does he really shit?"
TYPE
Along with the position of the stall, there is the stall "type" to consider. Really, there are just
two types: regular and "extra-wide" (also know as handicapped). While I don't want to rehash a tired
Seinfeld joke, your desire to spread out DOES play an important roll. But equally important is how you
might be viewed on your way out of the stall. Surely your wheelchair-bound coworker who has been
waiting outside the stall and has now crapped themselves would only see you as insensitive.
A counter-argument to this would be to lift yourself up by the handles and claim to be taking
Shitting Bull's advice, and "shitting a mile in another man's stall."
AMENITIES
Also of great importance is the amenities that each stall offers. As we have all learned by a
rushed trip to the pot, if you have your pants around your ankles before you realize there is a
cracked seat, then it is often to late to stop certain forces that are in motion -- and thus, you
commit to an inadequate toilet experience.
Usually all stalls are installed equally, but deteriorate over the course of time, with undesirable
results: Loose door locks that can open up when the neighbor stall door slams, broken seat cover
distributors that only produce ripped wax paper, and the ever-threatening wobbly toilet paper rolls
that either send all the paper to the floor with a mere glance, or never let you get enough to wipe up
your filth.
These are all potential hazards that you need to know. In the rush of the churning of your bowel,
you need to have already scouted all of this out. As the Boy Scout motto says, "Be Prepared." Or as
Sun Tzu would have espoused in the Art of War, "Know your enemy as you know yourself."
FINAL CONSIDERATIONS
A final consideration would of course be the entertaining banter that has been scribed on the walls
of each stall. Some stalls have a plethora of wisdom to read, while some are just bereft of worthwhile
humor. This could be the most personal decision of all.
My advice is to think of it in terms of the orgasm. Some people need to think of anything else but
sex (or poop, in this case) while in the middle of the act. Reading the stalls is like repeating the
past century's Cy Young award winners in your head to avoid the issue at hand. The other path is to go
"Tantric" and embrace the moment, becoming fully involved in your act and getting the full experience.
To paraphrase Chevy Chase, "be the shit."
However you pick your stall, the worst thing you can do is be complacent. Once you choose your
path, choosing your stall will be second nature.
-- Tim
