AAARRGGGHHH !!!!!
Horrible !!!!
Great story, horrible shituation to be in!
I'm glad you were able to get yourself and the chairs sorted out before somebody blew the whistle on you, or some other poor bugger parked himself in the soiled chair.
(Have I mentioned in the past that in our office, we have a 'special' chair that we purposely fart in, just because we don't like the bloke that sits there?)
Good story, StackDump!

Good story, StackDump, nicely told and unusual. I still can`t work out how you got turds on the middle of your shirt though.

You must either have some sort of bizarrely extravagant wiping style, or an ass-crack that goes half way up your back.

Glad to hear "blowing the whistle" in bloke-man's chair brings satisfaction. There's always one turd-wipe in the department that makes everyone miserable!

Too bad I have about three of those...

Thunderbox, I still can't figure to this day how the nugget got there. The best I can come up with is some freaky Magic Pellet theory worthy of the Kennedy assassination.

Needless to say, I wipe MUCH more carefully these days!!

My thought: are you sure that the shit that was on you was your's?

Was there previous poop on the toilet lid or on the wall of the stall? Could someone else's crap gotten on you?

That would really be gross. I could deal with my own crap on me but not someone else's.

Also, you must work in an old building or have an elevator..isn't their laws that state that an employer must provide a bathroom on every floor of an office building in case they hire a handicapped person?

Good story, none the less.

doniker...oh my. Never considered it might have been a Nugget From Another Sphincter!!! Oh well. About two years have passed and no ill effects. lolz

And yeah, it was an old building built in the 60s. Glad to be outta there.
: D
Being a Judicial building, you'd think they'd adhere to statutes. pffft

When a critical system fails (an airplane crashes, a bridge collapses), there is a huge mess to clean up, for sure. But as important is the subsequent investigation to figure out what went wrong so that future accidents can be avoided.

So, StackDump, we’re here to help, not only for your sake, but for ours. First, what's your best guess about how the shit got on you? Has anything like this happened to you before (after the age of 6)? Describe your wiping method – standup, sit down, from the side, from the back. Do you look at the paper between wipes? Pants while shitting – around your ankles, thighs? The shit on your back – was it on the outside of your shirt, or underneath on the skin? Back in the stall – was there any shit anywhere on the toilet? Do you recall the consistency of your shit that day? How were you getting along with your co-workers and had you recently broken up with one of them? If this gets us nowhere, are you available to visit our home office where we could conduct a thorough investigation?

Great questions!! Let the PSI (Poop Scene Investigation) commence.

I'm guessing an errant Klingon sailed from my crack before wiping and possibly landed on my pants. Then it somehow got transfered to my shirt during the shirt tucking process.

No, nothing like this has happened before or since. I'm normally a proud and disciplined shitter!
I'm tall, so I normally wipe standing from front to back. And yes I inspect the paper diligently after every wipe. Pants around ankles while shitting.
The poo was on the outside of my shirt and there was no trail between the blob and my waistband.
I usually check the pot before I drop. So if there were any danglers...I missed them.
No recollection on the consistency of my poo that day. It usually ranges from firm to slightly squishy. lol
Nah, no breakups. I'm the only person here brash enough to even conceive of any turd terrorism and even I'd not execute such a plan.

I'll fly to your scat lab anytime! Just send me a plane ticket and I'm there.
: D

One added detail. I normally tuck my shirt and t-shirt under my left arm (always the left!!) while shitting and wiping to prevent any transfers like this. Maybe my shirt tail came loose at some point...

I've got a couple hypotheses, but I'll hold off until we have all the apparently-relevant info. So, you're right handed? As to the shit on the toilet, I meant was there any there when you returned to clean up? When you discovered the shit dollop on your back, where you running your hand quickly down your back? Do you think it possible that in that motion, you swiped the shit down onto your pants/belt?

By the way, you're a very cooperative witness, and we'll be taking this into consideration when we offer our findings and recommendations.

i agree with Logjam that we simply must get to the bottom of this. maybe you're ok with not knowing how the poop got on the back of your shirt, but i am not! i must know.

i'm also with doniker on this one. i'm leaning toward it not being your own poo, but the poo of someone else, perhaps smeared on the tank/flushing thing and you leaned against it. i'm inclined to say, "but how could someone possibly sit on the toilet without noticing something like that?" but i've read plenty on here that indicates many people don't bother to look before sitting, so it is conceivable.

i'm glad Logjam is on the case. if anyone can get to the bottom of this, he can.
_______
i love poop.

Logjam, I knew you were a genius already. But I'm still impressed with the amount of thought you've given this.

Excellent.

First let me say thanks to all for the attention to this Cold Case!! It happened about two years ago.

Logjam, yeah I'm a Rightee. And as anal retentive as I am (in all respects!) I would have seen if there was a smear of poopie on the pot especially seeing's how I had my face in it for about 20 minutes scrubbing!!
I actually do a close inspection of the bowl before I drop and wipe the seat with TP if there are ANY traces of whiz or poop.

When I discovered the poop, I didn't drag my hand up my back. I placed it there laterally not by way of the waist. I don't think I jammed any shit into my waist as it was pretty much squished there. If I had done that sort of squishing, I'd have had more than a smear of poo on my hand.

I had another theory. As I stood up, a Klingon could have fallen into the waist of my pants. Then as I stood up, part of the nugget could have latched onto my shirt somehow.
Again, the physics of this whole thing don't make much sense so I'm still at a loss!!

Oh wait...I have a new theory!! It's a bit exotic, but stay with me. Maybe some poop fell into my waist area to get squished but some was still poking out of my belt. When I went to sit in my chair, the nugget got transfered to my CHAIR then I sat back on it to make the perfect poo circle on my back and on the chair.

Elementary Dear Watson!

Thoughts?

No thanks required, StackDump; we’re just doing our job. And sorry to keep you in suspense, but it’s still too early to issue a finding. If all goes well, we may have something definitive tomorrow. In the meantime, a few more questions:

The toilet -- Is it one with a tank, or a Sloan value? (With the later, there is really nothing to lean back against.)

You say the shit was in the middle of your back. How far above the belt line would you estimate?

The cubical – is it yours, or do others use it? More to the point, was there a shift the night before this incident when someone else was using the cubical?

Would you say that you stand erect when wiping, or do you lean forward?

Keep the theories coming; these are very helpful.

(And thanks for your votes of confidence, Wonderpance and DungDaddy. We will indeed get to the bottom of this.)

Sloan value...never heard that name before!

The poo was about five inches above my waist to the right of my spine.

I've had the luxury of a "private" cube for a while now. No sharing germs or poo!

I more or less stand erect when I wipe. But there is a bit of leaning involved!

Oh, good afternoon Mr. StackDump. My name is daphne. I'm Detective Logjam's and Wonderpances' secretary, and I'll be taking your statement. Would you care for any coffee? Brioche? It's homemade, you know....

Alright, let's get down to business.... did you know the offending turd? Had you said anything to him in the recent past that would have caused a rift between the two of you?

Did the turd have a history of violence? Stalking? Do you know or are you aware of any hate crimes that he has committed?

Was he current on his child support?

Can you think of any reason that he would have to attempt to discredit you in the workplace?

Do you know of his last known address?

If you see him, call the number on the card Detective Jam gave you and do not attempt to apprehend without backup. Do not approach the turd.

We'll be in touch after we process this latest information. Have a nice day.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Being right handed, which would presumptively mean right SIDED, I offer this hypothesis... Right sided people differ from lefty's in that they are overwhelmingly right sided, where as lefty's can and do, exhibit ambidextrous tendencies. This being the case, I submit that at the close of SD's seesion, his RIGHT cheek clenched off tighter than the left cheek, snapping off a little turdlet to SD's left, where he had ensconced his shirt...and I alos submit that if he does indeed stand and wipe, that this clench happened on the rise up, giving the turdlet an upwardly mobile impetus, as well as being snapped off to the left...hence the landing in the middle of the shirt.

Damn I'm good.

Excellent story! Still mysterious, where did Assly-knoll pellet come from? Oh well, you made it notable. (Barb's husband here)

I think in this case too you must explore the fact that whilst wiping at times it is possible that a poo nugget dislodged on your backswing with your hand depending on how you wipe. You may have unknowingly transferred some poo from the paper. I have done this only NOT to my clothes.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

OK, here are our findings.

1. Who schmeared StackDump?

We gave serious consideration to three possibilities: That StackDump 1) picked someone else’s shit up off the toilet, 2) someone else’s shit off his office chair, and 3) schmeared himself. With regard to option 2, we also considered the possibility that as a prank or act of revenge, someone poopytrapped StackDump’s chair.

After considering all the evidence, we reject options 1 and 2. The telling piece of evidence is StackDump’s description of the locations and shape of the contaminants. Namely, that he had “a perfect circle of poo” on the middle of his back, in addition to a piece of shit “squished” into the waist of his pants. We ran several simulations using a single source of shit on the back of a chair or the back of a toilet, and we could not reproduce this two-point, one-source pattern of contamination. There’s just no way to get shit from the center of a back of a chair (or toilet) both on the center of the back and down into the waist area of the pants without leaving a streak mark between, unless you transferred it with your hand.

We therefore explored the possibility that when StackDump discovered the shit on his back with his hand, that he may have unwittingly tracked some of the material down into his pants. But as StackDump explained, he didn’t drag his hand across his back, and furthermore, that motion would be very unlikely to squish shit into his waistband.

2. How did StackDump manage to schmear himself?

Our conclusion is not far from that offered (with much less deliberation and expense) by Junior Detective Bilgepump. We conclude that when StackDump rose to wipe himself that day, that he had an unusual amount of fairly solid yet sticky shit hung up in his crack. As he wiped from front to back, he dislodged and propelled a small piece (trajectorate 1) up onto his back. Another, and somewhat smaller, piece (trajectorate 2) fell straight down into his pants, which were around his ankles. Trajectorate 2 got squished into his waistband when he did up his pants. Trajectorate 1 got compressed into a small circle when, back in his cubicle, he leaned back into this chair.

We should point out that this scenario is made much more likely with the crazy practice of wiping while standing.

To whom it may concern:

This is to verify that Bilgepump is ALWAYS right, and your just jealous.

Thank you for your time,
The Management

Management, you have a point this day. Bilgepump stated that left-handed people are more inclined to be ambidextrous. I am left-handed and wipe with either hand, whichever I feel like.

However, I'm not jealous. Slightly wistful, yes, but not jealous.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

No one has asked the obvious question, SD. Do you have a hairy asscrack?

I think it was likely your shit, hung up in some asscrack hair. Since you are a standing wiper, it ended up in your pants when standing shook it loose from the asshair. Then... enter Bilge and Logjam's explanations.

_______
Born right the first time.

Good story. We are all obliged to be humble because we are human and shit.

Laugh? I nearly shit myself! Great story stackdump, and nicely followed up by LJ. Fantasticly funny, I'm still wiping..... (the tears away)

_______
Did I just fart?.... hope so!

LJ, when reconstructing simulations etc. Is there some special tool/machine that you have to use, a shimulator or similar?

_______
Did I just fart?.... hope so!

Daphne, yes I'll have a mocha tall, foam, double sweet and don't spare the marshmallows!
But I'm afraid to answer any of your questions. Is there a safe place you can put me where the turd can't go??
Also, I don't think I could wipe with the leftee. It'd feel like a stranger was back there and that's just creepy. *giggle*
: P

Bilge, snapped off...and to the left.
Snapped off...and to the left.
Snapped off................. and to the left.
I think you nailed it!

LiquidBrown, can you pick me up from work?? lolz

Logjam I find your logic to be unassailable!

TSV yes indeed I do have a hairly crack. Somewhere between Alec Baldwin and Sasquatch.

And all other commenters...you made my week!!!!

The Baron asks "when reconstructing simulations etc. Is there some special tool/machine that you have to use, a shimulator or similar?"

In years past, lab work was contracted out to Chris Rockwell, and the results were publicly available on his podcast, "The Daily Download." He did these simulations mostly in his home, garage, and backyard. His wife, Lauri, and their neighbors, got fed up, however. (We miss you Chris.)

Now we do these simulations in-house. I go about 4 times a day, and being at a university, I have access to lots of restrooms and lots of equipment. Let's just say that when doing these sorts of flying-shit experiments, I never return to the same restroom twice.

StackDump, we do have the Shitless Protection Program, if being enrolled would help you commit to testifying.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Daphne, aren't those the ones given a new identity and sent to live in Lake Havasu?

In reality the two programs are different. One is the Shitless Protection Program. The other one is the Fuckwit-ness Protection Program.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Oh, I see what you did there....

_LJ, hand on heart, all I can say is, keep up the good work. This research is priceless, I'm thinking about a fundraiser.

______
Did I just fart?.... hope so!

Wow. What an analysis. Several major PR personalities all collaborating. Never have I ever seen anything done so quickly and efficiently by a committee (I alos wanted to add "and tidily" but if things had been done tidier right from the very beginning, there wouldn't be shit to talk about.)

Unfortunately, StackDump, there's nothing to be done for the damaged goods. Even the elemental gawds of earth (the source of the poop), wind (on who's breath the first scent wafted) and water (who's power only seemed to leave even larger targets on the soiled items) have been unable to assist you. There is only one gawd left to beseech: the gawd of fire.

This stain on your soul, which is just as sullied as your shirt and chairs, can only be cleansed by fire. On your next work day, wheel the offensive chairs and clothes out into the parking lot of your building, douse the offensive items with lighter fluid and then use your best Zippo to unleash your offerings. Summon forth a mighty yawp, "Burn, baby, burn." Yes, build a pyre for those unclean items that would rival the rituals of the dead along the Ganjes. And since you are burning shit, it will probably be twice as rank.

BTW, it might help to get naked and dance wildly around the pyre too. The gawds might be impressed with this act of contrition, and it might also entertain your co-workers and the firefighters. Otherwise they might not recognize you as a seeker of atonement but confuse you as a simple vandal and arsonist. Also, call the evening news and let them know about your plans, so that we can all pray for your deliverance of your soul during your sacrifice.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Just one more question sir. That pretty, loquacious lady didn't perhaps pat you on the back for fixing her computer?

Columbo

__ This wonderful story has inspired the poet in me.

There once was a Dumper named Stack,
Who found a loose turd on his back.
It was nasty and smelly,
no firmer than jelly,
but how'd it get there from his crack?

_____
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I can see where this thread is going......

There was a you lady from Taunton
with one large tit and a shortun, to make up for that
she had a fat twat,
and a fart like a 650 Norton

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

BVC, one of my favorites,

A horny young girl named Jill,
Fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

excellent job, logjam. i am quite satisfied.
_______
i love poop.

Such wonderful poetry!!!!

I work in IT, but my degree in in English.

Bravo!

Quoting wonderpance "excellent job, logjam. i am quite satisfied."

And I'm lighting one up, wp. It was great.

you're a stud, buddy...just wish you'd satisfy me once in a while.

***suddenly, in Australia, the poofterometer needle flickers and gives a short 'alert' beep***

The way I heard it 30+ years ago was:

Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

I heard it was a threesome. WP were you not aware Bilge was there?

shouldn't listen to gossip, PD, I was in the upper northwest, spying on Daphne's bingo arms.

Bilge, don't fib, you know finewell that you can see those bingo arms, as well you can the great wall of china, from the moon.

Go to bed with no supper!

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

there once was a man named dave
that kept a dead whore in a cave
you had to admit
she sure smelled like shit
but look at all the money he'll save

Better watch what you say BVC. Daphne will start flapping those Bingo arms and fly across the pond just to kick your ass.

BTW Doniker, nice limerick. Is it an original?

PD, Bidge wasn't there physically, but he was there in spirit.
_______
i love poop.

How was he (in spirit that is)?

I'm much better in spirit than in the flesh...and even that ain't saying much.

Which spirit? I like Jack Daniels myself (That is in oppose to, Jack Daniels with someone else)
_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

Ya, I was wondering the same thing. How did you manage to get shit all the way up your back? I've shit myself many times in my life but never did what you did.
_______
"I'll shit when I please, not when you tell me to." Nelson Mandela

Stackdump, that is a really funny story, although it sounds like a nightmare at the time. Logjam's trajectory description is perfect. HOW I think rogue poop got on your clothes is from the wipe. In one of your front to back swings, the edge of the toilet paper picked up a loose hair clinger that was about to drop. The swinging poop had the right weight and consistency to be carried by the edge of the tissue. In the dance of the wipe, the poop was picked up by the backdraft from the point of contact of the tissue and the ass and "trajected" to the back of your shirt. The smears occurred afterward when you were blindly feeling around for possible contamination. I have had occassions when I flung poo in the same way. So I don't wipe only from front to back anymore. I make sure I give it a careful back to almost to the front wipe to catch what front to back misses. My trejectory landed on the floor right in front of me when it happened to me the first time. I was shocked at the site of flinging poo and wondered if it had happened before when I was unaware. I have no doubt now that flung poo makes its presence known sooner or later as in your case.

Now that I can see again (the tears from laughing so hard have finally cleared) I think all of your deductive thinkings are very creative and if there is ever a time that I have a mystery to be solved involving poop, I will call on you first. You guys are too funny!!!

to answer your question prarie doggin, since he was only there in spirit, i didn't really feel much. so i imagine it was about the same as if he had been there in person.

zing!
_______
i love poop.

As I said, Wedgie, I am MUCH better in spirit, than in person...you would have felt minus something if I were actually there in the flesh....
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.