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 BackdraftPosted 08.12.2008 by Kay O. Pectate (87)
My fire station had two bathrooms. I didn't like using the upstairs one near the dorms because the door had no lock. I was always getting walked in on. It had a shower, two sinks, and two toilets. The crappers sat side-by-side with a small partition separating them. If you wanted to, you could lean forward and talk to your neighbor. I wasn't very appreciative when someone wanted to chat me up while I was taking a dump. Due to this, we females preferred to use the downstairs bathroom right off of the engine bay. It was inconvenient to use in the middle of the night, but at least it was private.
One afternoon, I went to use my special bathroom when I was stopped dead by a noxious odor. Something had died! I looked around at the shower, the sink, and the urinal. Nothing unusual. So I cautiously approached the throne. And there I witnessed a behemoth of an intestinal sculpture. Not only was she long, but the circumference was bigger than some babies I've delivered. Amazingly, it didn't taper off like a normal turd. The girth remained steady all the way to the end, where it appeared to have been broken off. To make matters worse, the culprit must have used an entire roll of toilet paper to wipe himself. So the toilet was in serious overload. I gingerly lifted my foot and put in on the back handle to see if it would flush. The water bubbled like a witch's cauldron, but the load didn't move. I could feel the bile rising in my throat as I backed out of there. I ran into the kitchen and shrieked at some of the guys who were watching TV. "Jaysus Christ, who's the sick sonfoabitch that left the monster turd in the bathroom?!?" Sick bastards that they are, several of them jumped up and followed me back into the bathroom. This was before cell phones were common, or I'm sure someone would have taken a photo of it. I could hear the guys murmur "Holy shit" and "Daymn!" in amazement. "Just look for whoever is walking funny," one of them said as they cleared out. I shouted after them. "Don't leave me here with this thing!" Now, it wasn't my job to clean up that mess, but like I said before, I took a certain responsibility for that downstairs bathroom. So I had to figure out how to get my toilet back in operation. I went into the engine bays and enlisted one of the guys to help me don a self-contained breathing apparatus (the mask and air bottle you see on a firefighter). I grabbed some latex gloves from the ambulance and unfurled a wire coat hanger. Armed, I returned the bathroom. Even though I couldn't smell it any more, the sheer girth of it still made me gag inside my mask. I took the coat hanger, pulled some of the toilet paper out, and threw it into the trashcan. Then I began chopping the huge elephant turd apart. The perpetrator must have been constipated, because it was somewhat hard. No wonder it had broken off, instead of the normal taper. Someone had to be suffering post-partum bleeding from this delivery. After several minutes, I was finally able to get that thing to flush. I suspect that the Chief left it, as I later saw him walking as though he had just finished riding a horse. Post new comment
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