The Burrito Shuffle

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m 1+ points - Newb
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The bathroom, or head for us nautical folks, closest to my office has five urinals and five stalls. The urinals are all against one wall opposite the stalls. This is a U.S. Navy school – NNPTC in Charleston, SC for those familiar with it – and we have a daily schedule with ten-minute breaks in the morning and five-minute breaks in the afternoon. I will leave your imagination to ponder the poor effects this policy has implementing a five minute break after all the students and staff have returned from lunch. In short, I have learned to relieve myself between breaks, should the urge for a post-lunch purge strike.

One particular day, when I was not teaching, I felt such an urge and walked into the bathroom. Of the five stalls, the one second from the wall was out of order, creating in the last stall a private shitter; to the left is a tile wall and to the right is the unusable stall. This situation is the best one can hope to discover at work if he is looking for the luxuries of pooping at home. On this day I had the fortune to enter an empty bathroom and secure the fifth stall for myself.

While I pride myself on usually having one to two-wipe poops, I was not so lucky today. Lunch had been a Super Burrito (seven inches long by three-and-a-half inches in diameter) from the taco truck just off base that, for a mere five dollars, will serve you a monstrous burrito with meat, black beans, rice, guacamole, sour cream and salsa. It is one of those meals that is a little bit larger than one should normally eat in one sitting, but it is so good that it’s eaten in one sitting, anyway.

Displacement being what it is, these burritos usually cause a pretty massive poop one to two hours after ingestion, and all bets about a one to two wiper are off. The turd starts normally, but after a couple inches the good form of the turd gives way to a chunky liquid. Often I use the analogy of popping the cork off of a champagne bottle to describe this. After committing my handiwork to the deep, I reached to my right for toilet paper and found that there was none. Here is one of those commercial toilet paper holders that is supposed to contain not one, but two of the industrial-sized rolls of toilet paper, and it was empty!

Like a submarine popping its periscope above the waves to take a look around, I poked my head below the partition to see if there was someone who would take pity on me and toss me a roll. Alas, there was no one. Had this occurred at home I could have walked to the cabinet to get another roll, or better yet, stripped and taken a shower. Fate, however, had marked not so fortunate; I would have to make a run for it, two stalls down to my right.

As this was a post-Super Burrito poop, I couldn't let my shirt tails hang upon my butt as normal, let alone risk pulling my pants up for this walk of shame, so as I rose, I carefully rolled the back of my shirt up to avoid sullying it. My one saving grace was that I had my lab coat and could carry before me to avoid frontal exposure.

Just as I began the penguin-walk of shame with my pants around my ankles to the third stall, three students walked in to see me in my state of undress. Quickly, I finished hobbling to the third stall, and was forced to clean up my desecrated butt cheeks to the sound of stifled laughter. I know that the story has made it around, as a few students have asked me about The Incident. It should be noted that this has not hurt my reputation, but merely solidified it as being "one of the guys."

I put to you, brothers and sisters of the good PoopReport: What is one to do when stuck in a public place with no toilet paper? Should I have waited until someone came in and asked them to pass me a roll?

26 Comments on "The Burrito Shuffle"

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I would have grabbed one of the students and used him (or her) as asswipe especially if they were in their precious white uniform.

On second thought, I don't think I want seamen anywhere near my butthole.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

FlynmonkeyPoop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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PoopRebel,
As a former AT (I'm guessing you know what that is) there are a few things that should be learned here. 1- Never eat at the roach coach. It may be cheap, but it'll wreak havoc on your system, or worse. 2- ALWAYS check the stall for tp before unloading. In fact, on the carrier (I'll date myself and say that it was CV-62) I always made an ass gasket of tp after wiping the seat. I have to give you "crap" (pardon the pun) but if you are a Nuc instructor, then I'm glad that I was a tweak, and not a Nuc Rock. Welcome to PoopReport! Deja, very wise choice.

_______
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-

ChiliKahKah's picture
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Sounds like is was "nacho" your dad in the head.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Apparently, I am not the only one posting on chardonnay fumes this evening.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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" ... Displacement being what it is, these burritos usually cause a pretty massive poop one to two hours after ingestion ..."

It doesn't mater what I eat or in what amount, it almost always takes until the next morning to travel through my alimentary canal and exit via my pink pucker. Am I unusual or are all the folks who post on PR describing the mad rush their dinner makes for their assholes the strange ones?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

mikeeemorgan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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this same situation only happened to me once about 15 years ago. now, even in my own home, i look for the necessary paperwork to be filed before sitting down for a shitty experience. it's the same as looking both ways before crossing the street, but different.

please visit my writings at http://allpoetry.com/mikeeemorgan

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I was thinking along similar lines, CPO Thunderbutt. If a burrito is able to traverse your intestinal flora and fauna in just a couple of hours, it really makes me wonder about continuing to indulge in these tortilla wrapped delicacies; it really makes me wonder about the health of your digestive tract; and it really makes me wonder why you continue to do this to yourself.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Chief, I think you missed the point. Displacement simply means if you pack some in, something else needs to come out. It may not necessarily be the last meal showing up at the other, but last night's, being forced to the ejection chamber.


_______
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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That......doesn't........explain......fudge.....packing.......Bilge. Your.....hypothesis.....
is......flawed.

Stephen Hawking

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Bilge ... I would take your explanation to heart except for the fact that I worked in a slaughterhouse for several years where I became familiar with the extremely flexible nature of both stomach and intestines. My years as a meat cutter who put a lot of sausages in natural casings, also showed me that intestines are capable of a great deal of stretching.

Based on a pigs intestinal tract (the small intestines of a porker can be used to make about 30 lbs of sausage) the human small intestines should take about 12 to 15 pounds to be completely full since it is only half as long. Add to this the amount of rubbish that the large intestines will hold and you would have to eat practically constantly before what you eat would force what you ate previously out your ass ... maybe (?)


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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Chief, is (?) a symbol for a pigs ass? If it is, it's pretty clever.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I can relate to the analogy of popping the cork off a champagne bottle. That's how my plumes of crap often start.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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To answer you question, Pooprebel, I think you did the right thing. You could have sat there with poop drying on your bum and waited, but you took the chance of getting caught. Its a hard question to answer. If you only had 5 minutes, you did the right thing. How could you have known someone, three, would show up in time. I think first I would have tried reaching under the stall side in hopes of the TP hanging low enough to grab. If that didn't work, then I would have dashed to another stall like you did. To prevent a reoccurance of the burrito shuffle, check for tp next time.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Thank you PD for recognizing me for the intelligent fellow that I am, "Chief, is (?) a symbol for a pigs ass? If it is, it's pretty clever."

Only yesterday one of my neighbors complemented me by saying, "you are certainly an old wise man.", at least I hope that is what my Mexican neighbor said, his exact words were, "Usted es un culo viejo y sabio."


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Back to the original question--I usually ask the person next to me to pass me some, but if no one is next door, I probably would have made a dash for the next stall with my pants down. Hey, you can usually tell if anyone is in the bathroom at the time, so it'd be pretty easy to hop over before anyone saw you.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

prarie doggin's picture
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I assume you're not talking about hopping over the stall divider, because I'd pay good money to see that.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I think the three students got something to enjoy (not a given in their situation), and you had a minor embarrassment; cute story, but far from a disaster. Consider it an example of courage on your part, or boldness under fire, or the like. You did the right thing.

Mr Schitz's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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"Often I use the analogy of popping the cork off of a champagne bottle...."
Holy shit, Admiral Squirt, I thought I was the only one to use that analogy...

Anyway, in a similar experience, I avoided the penguin shuffle by turning my underwear into a shitrag. Not quite the same as a wad of charmin, but it sure wasn't the sandpaper you get at the gas station.

If one must eat from the mexican wagon of death, then that same one should remember to drink a Budweiser as well. The resulting anal acoustics are unmatched. Last time, I could swear I was farting "Heaven and Hell".

TheMadPooper95's picture
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I'm no Navy toilet expert, but just as a suggestion in general, ALWAYS check the stall before dropping a deuce. I bet you learned your lesson after that incident lol! I shouldn't be talking though, I always forget to. The massive dump with no TP is inviable...ha!

when in doubt, take a dump

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I'd have cleaned off with a sock and left it on the floor so the person in charge of keeping the bog stocked knows he'll be shit canned next time he forgets to have paper there.

Rectum darn near killed em's picture
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I too have had the unfortunate experience of crapping in a public stall without tp. What saved my ass? Cannablizing my socks. With a sharp pencil or pen or pocket knife tear off the top of your socks and wipe your ass carefully. Dispose of the socks however you wish. Probably best to discretely throw them on the trash. Also run out of sock? Use your underwear.

prarie doggin's picture
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Ok Rectum, worse case scenario here. You're a woman, you're not wearing socks and the thong just ain't enough. Do you sacrifice the shirt and walk out of the mall topless or the pants and walk out in just the shirt and thong.

Rectum darn near killed em's picture
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YES !!!

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points
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Man, you're lucky. Our roach coach gives us burritoes and wraps that are a mere 5" long by MAYBE 1.5" thick, for 2 bucks. With one choice of 'thing' inside it. I'd rather be hungry and pissed than broke and pissed.

I'da walked right out :) Load and proud. Why suffer for a chance happening along of someone? Go ahead and take the risk, like just deciding to hike up a mountain with a friend spur of the moment-like. But, how about shuffling underneath the walls?

Pretty brave, for a chick though.

JunglistGirl77's picture
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You have to look before you leap, dude! ALWAYS check for paper first, even in a Super Burrito emergency.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I always have a kleenex or two in my pocket; even slighty used, it has come in handy quite a few times when I encounter a paperless stall. It may not do the job completely, but gives you enough paper to wipe off some of the mess until one can get to an equipped stall.