Carol

// // 28 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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I work in a small office in a high rise in a large city. We have two separate restrooms, one for men, and another other for women. My unbelievably cheap boss hired a three-hundred pound, seventy year-old homeless woman to do clerical work in our office. This is not a joke; she is literally homeless and manages to sustain a hefty weight of three bills. The homeless woman – I’ll call her "Carol” – eats whatever food she can find, including that left in dumpsters; so it is suffice to say she has her fair share of gastrointestinal problems.

Given Carol's girth and age, she moves purely by inertia. She leans forward and the momentum delivers her to the intended destination. Her inability to lift her feet or reach any part of her body other than her mouth has created its share of problems. For starters, Carol cannot properly position her prolapsed rectum over the porcelain bowel. She lowers herself as best she can, using only the stall walls for guidance. Imagine landing a 747 in dense fog at night with no instruments, and you can picture Carol trying to align her brown eye over the throne.

For a person with normal stool, improper alignment of the sphincter and bowl can create a bit of a mess and embarrassment. Carol, however, has not had a solid bowel movement since the days of J. Edgar Hoover; and given that her diet consists largely of parasites and bacteria, her bowel movements tend to resemble a volcanic eruption. Carol has never taken an art class in her life, but she is quite the painter, if you catch my drift. The problem has become so frequent that building maintenance now refuses to clean up her mess, which leaves an unusable bio-hazard of a restroom for the remainder of the women on our floor. Instead of reviewing Carol's artistry, the gals on the floor have taken to using the Men’s restroom. None of the women in office are remotely attractive, so no guy gets the benefit of cranking off bare-assed on toilet seat still warm from the firm buttock of a Victoria Secret model.

No, the gals in our office look more like Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, or that now unemployed actress who played Precious. These gals are not knuckle butter material, and in fact, it is revolting to place my ass on the same seat they have sat on. This brings us to Operation Brown Derby. Several of the men on the floor have taken to intentionally covering the electronic eye on the toilet to prevent it from flushing, thus leaving copious amounts of shit in the bowel for the gals to see. One fellow even started taken Metamucil and the diet drug Alli. (Imagine a mud slide running into a lake after an Exxon oil spill.) To date, the gals have stomached it out and still continue to use our bathroom, but lunch beckons; and I hear corn chowder is on the menu downstairs. I intend to consume four large bowls and return to deposit the contents of my colon in the bowl for the gals to see, and to reclaim our bathroom once and for all.

28 Comments on "Carol"

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Not too much love there, Chubbylover. Bit of anger towards women in general. One question though: How do you know about Carol's prolapse?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Yes Chubbylover, have you been peeking at Carol's asshole as she tries to align it with the commode seat? Is that how you knew that she had a prolapse?

Are all the men in your office handsome young Adonises who leave commode seats warmed by their comely buttocks that you find more to your liking than a seat warmed by a plain looking woman?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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Can't you just ask them not to use your bathroom? Wouldn't that be a little mit more mature? And easier on your stomach... Don't know why a woman has to be a supermodel to get any respect.


_______
Remember, even hot chicks poop and fart.

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

MousePoo's picture
l 100+ points
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You could elect a co-ed group to approach your boss with your Carol-related concern. That's not just gross it's got to be a violation of sanitation rules(company/government?). Let him see the state of the ladies facilities for himself. Have the necessary equipment on hand for him. Carol should be terminated. Immediately after she cleans up her mess(Boss will probably hand over the cleaning supplies to her). There has to be a reasonably-priced professional cleaning company that can be brought in to clean your restrooms on a regular schedule.

No more turd terrorism in(or outside of) the workplace!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Bombs away !

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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You would terminate Carol just because she's unsightly and leaves the bathroom a mess, Mousepoo? I suppose that since most employees are "at will", you might be able to get away with it.

Maybe the smarter answer would be to find the keys to one of the crappers on another floor. If she's got to terrorize somebody's crapper, better to terrorize the crappers on somebody else's floor.

But even if you have to live with the problem, Chubs, Carol is 70 years old, homeless and 300 pounds. It sounds to me as if she's going to be making a real estate deal at Forest Lawn in a few short years.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

loaf pincher's picture
l 100+ points
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Funny story,I think I might know her sister.Her name is Mabel,would you ask Carol if she has and relatives in the midwest?

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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May the mirror and scale always be in your favor Chubby.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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What are you, 12? "LOL we hate gurlz we beter make shure our bathrum iz 2 gross 4 them LOL."

Grow the fuck up and share, okay? Women need to piss and shit, too, the least you could do is share the can while Carol is around.

And have a little compassion, the woman has obviously had a hard time in life.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Perhaps instead of thinking about whose buttocks have warmed the seat before yours, it would be better to complain to your 'incredibly cheap boss' about the women having to use the men's room, because the womens toilet is in a disgusting state. try to have a little compassion for the poor women!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Love him or hate him; he writes well. I cannot say otherwise.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Alec Baldwin's picture
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We are going to use this as a 30 Rock episode next year.Tina Fey eats bad chicken.

P_u's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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There has got to be some award somewhere for a woman who can pull off 300-lbs while homeless at age 70 and still keep the pooper running strong enough to frighten off the locals.

You go, girl!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Good story, chubby - but loaf has a good point, is Mabel her sister?

The voice of sanity

Dumps Like a Truck's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Meh - I call bullshit. Or, at least, severe exaggeration. I WISH I had a boss cool enough to give a chance to large, homeless women.

lol - kidding!)

If "Carol" does satisfactory work - then, great! STFU about her bathroom proclivities.

Probably the cute chick, who goes on about Carol's output, is the one, in reality, with the sloppy IBS...

Stop blaming Carol!!!

Know what I mean? This is all hearsay! Poor Carol!

Dumps Like a Truck's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Oopsy - typos!! I meant "I WISH I had a boss cool enough to give a chance to large, homeless women.

THEN I'D HAVE A JOB! lol - kidding!)"

Yes indeed. I need a J.O.B!

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points
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Frank Benway here, sounding off live from the
middle of the desert. Fucked up on cheladas. Ready to drop sum new concepts on y'alls stank asses. HR departments and labor unions need a "Turd Court" division expressly for handling this type of restroom apocalypse before it gets as out of control as your office shitters are now, Chubbylover.
I cannot help but be reminded of the scat Midwestern Housewife, "Crap-Loving Carol". Just Sayin. Look it up on Strokesearch. Soooo funny.

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points
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The Bathroom Nazis grow overzealous/ Of my horrifying displays, meek peons get jealous/ they report me delinquent to the cake batter jury/ and erase all evidence of my asscheek fury

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points
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Forgive me for this rambling diatribe, but, you see, I MUST-

cake batter in my ass/ it's a horrible feeling, now please turn away, i'll scrape my Mind from the ceiling/ cuz tha paraplegic urge is quickly gaining Dominance/when I see people in wheelchairs my erection grows prominent/ talkin dirty thru a voicebox like Stephen Hawking/ You're alot better at blowjobs than you are at walking/ Shut up while i spoonfeed you a dozen pickled eggs/ you'll never feel the explosive diarrhea dripping down your legs/ Or the icepick i plunge into your gluteal region/ While i scream madness into the darkness at my invisible legions/ And reel at the echoes that command me to conquest/ i'll STEAL the first prize at the Perversity Contest/ While you sit at home mumblin/ to a TV dinner tray/ hooked up to a I.V. fulla Morphine spray/ Naw, wait, i forgot, i thieved your narcotics/ and left you holdin nothin but some buttcheek deposits/ 
on them Same fuckin pajama pants/ they pissin me off/ 
From all future sustenance i'm cuttin you off/ you DEAD lil homie/ i done signt' tha papers/ I'm pullin the plug, now. Prepare to meet your maker. 

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points
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Peace.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Happy Mem day, Frank!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Chubby-lover's picture
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Chubbylover here, the author of the "Carol" story. For you folks coming to this site looking for the prose of Faulkner or the charity of Mother Theresa, you are misguided. These stories are a combination of truth, satire and sarcasm. Carol frequently soils herself and he co-workers must smell it. She was hired because she can alphabetize for $3.00 an hour. To all those so high and mighty about "poor Carol," I challenge you to come to this office and smell the seat of her chair for 60 seconds. Only then you may criticize.

TheMadPooper95's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Great story, gross diet! lol

when in doubt, take a dump

Cecil Cole's picture
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I hear ya', brother. That's all I have to say about that.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Chubby, as you already work at the same office as Carol and as you already know where she sits, it is reasonable for you to pursue the stated 60 second challenge and then report back with your findings.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Chubby ... I would say that Carol is being taken advantage of if she is being payed only $3.00 per hour since the federally mandated minimum wage has been over $7.00 per hour since last July. If the company you work for has over half a million dollars in total assets or engages in any form of interstate commerce Carol is being cheated. If she were payed better maybe she could afford to keep her asshole a little cleaner.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

lynnxwynn's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Well.. by the title, I was thinking I was in for a great story. Something about an extremely attractive co-worker dropping Fat Man in the ladies room and it stinking up the whole joint. Needless to say, I was very disappointed.
Very. Disappointed.

_______
Oh maan!

Oh maan!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Sounds as if old Chubby-lover has had his nose in the seat of her chair a time or two.