I guess he didn't have a spackle bucket of his own to make the deposit in. That's pretty brilliant, actually. I just don't understand why he (or she...) went thru the trouble of taping it all up. I would have just tossed it out the window, hoping it would splatter on a tree trunk like a paintball.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Sergeant. Thank you for taking the time (I hope at your desk at work) to write up a form of this report specifically for this audience. I hope your captain rewards your courage in the line of duty with a suitable token of appreciation: A Metal of Pallor, Combat Cross, and Brown Heart all seem in order here. You should also be made an honorary member of the Bomb Squad.

Seriously...did you have to write a report on this? If so, can you post a copy?

I'm expecting this to be on an episode of "COPS" this fall.

A dozen chocolate covered donuts to you Sgt.

The COPS episode might be titled "Danger Encountered in the Line of Doody".

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Wow nice case there sir. I like Daphs title too thats a great one LOL!
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

The guy who called in the suspicious package was probably the one who left it behind.

I have spoken to some of my detective friends, and we believe we have cracked this case. The turd obviously was wrapped and the box taped for shipment. It is apparent that the person in question here made a record log, and was preparing to ship it back home to Mexico so his family could admire it. Unfortunately, the box fell out of the back of the landscapers truck before he could get it to FEDEX. Had he time to complete the address label beforehand, this unfortunate incident could have had a happy ending. I think this parcel needs to be stored in the evidence room for at least 6 months in case it is claimed.

Sorry, PD. This turd was clearly in the country illegally. It should be shipped to ICE so that its immigration status can be ascertained and, if appropriate, deported.

Estas no son echiladas, amigo!
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Olé! That story was too funny. The case should be named, ''The Mexicorn Bandit''.

You're right DP. Maybe it should just be tossed over the fence.

When I drove a truck I would frequently feel the urgent call and pooping in the back of the van became common . I used to like to scope out a box before hand and write "shitbox" on it with marker . I would go into the back of the truck and crouch down and give birth , clean up my bung with babywipes and take the box to the edge of the van , and close the door . I usually ended up putting it in a parking lot somewhere down the road and I liked to leave it in a place with high end stores such as boutiques or salons . I have done this at least a dozen times .

[in French accent] Slow carb. I shit in your general direction.

I had a friend who once bought an expensive power tool at HD. He took the empty box and shit in it and resealed it. He then left it in a cart at the HD parking lot and waited in his car. His theory was that if an honest person picked it up and headed back toward the store, he was going to intercept him with receipt in hand and take it back. The person who ultimately picked it up, looked around and, seeing nobody, proceeded to bring said box to his car. I guess he was ultimately, the tool.

Dog, I'd have loved to have seen the look on that guy's face when he got home and opened his Crapmatic 6000. This reminds me of the "shit in a purse" prank some of the kids in our highschool pulled from time to time. They'd get old purses, like gramma purses and leave a turd in it and then put the purse either in a parking lot or in a store, where it would look abandoned.

Someone would take the purse almost every time. Very rarely would the purse be turned in to the store closest to it.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

In construction only the contractor who pays for the Porta-potty has the right to use it. If he goes home and locks up the bugle boy everyone else is shit out of luck. This can lead to various creative acts of crappy desperation. Also, most shitters are rated to serve no more then 10 people over a period of 7 days. On day 7 the smell of sun ripened faeces, and probable lack of paper is enough to cause many to flush out alternatives.

Basic rule #3 Always check for paper before your sit down.

Yeah Daphne, I'm gonna have a lot of fun when I retire.

I'm sorry, I just couldnt stop myself.... the following was rejected as a submission to dave, as it is fiction, nut never the less a giggle.... Sherlock Holmes's blocked bung hole.

It was around dusk at 221b Baker Street, London, on a barmy June night in 1881.

Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson were relaxing in the knowledge that they had just cracked their biggest case to date. Yes, the 'Golden butt plug of old Kentish town' had been returned to its rightful owner, one Professor Poopvanouten. The culprit, the infamous uphill gardener, 'Young Jimmy Wee Turd' was now successfully behind bars, awaiting trial.

"Holmes, I just don't know how you do it!

Exclaimed Dr. Watson.

"Watson, my good man, It comes with years of practice, diligence, and devotion to ones cause. But enough of that my man, we should relax while contemplating the merits of the case"

"Indeed Holmes, indeed." Agreed Dr. Watson.

After a short while, sat in front of an open window, through which the remains of the day shone through like a slowly fading fart, taking one more wistful draw from his pipe, Sherlock indicated that he had come to the realization that there was something intrinsically wrong with the current shituation.

"Oh?" asked Watson "What's that then? Is it important? Shall I call the Yard?"

"No Watson, my dear friend, I think rather that you should call Mrs. Hudson. Ask her to bring some fresh lemons, followed by a pitcher of Gin and tonic and two glasses. I feel that this is what is missing"

Laughing heartily in agreement, Dr. Watson pulls on the cord, that in turn will ring a small Bell, indicating Mrs. Hudson's presence was required, post haste.

"Ah, Good evening Mrs. Hudson. Mr. Holmes would like some fresh lemons at first, and then, a pitcher of Gin & tonic accompanied by two glasses, if you please"

"Certainly Dr. Watson"

Mr. Hudson, quickly and quietly, disappears, only to return moments later, with not only fresh lemons, but a chopping board and knife to boot.

"There you go Sirs, I shall be back in a trice with your drinks"

Again, Mrs. Hudson disappears into the gloom of the corridors of 221b Baker Street.

During the time that Mrs. Hudson is away mixing drinks, Dr. Watson again revisits the events of the recent case, and tries to extract from Holmes, the secret of his success. Sherlock Holmes, never being one to reveal his cards to early in the game, starts to buckle.

He sighs, and reluctantly realizes that he must out his load, if only to keep the Dr. quiet during drinks. Holmes wanders over to the desk by the door, standing, he begins to slice the lemons that Mrs. Hudson had so neatly arranged on the chopping board. About to burst forth with the answer to Dr. Watson's earlier question, Holmes is interrupted by Dr. Watson.

" Oh come on old fellow, do tell... What was your secret, what was it.........."

At that moment, Mrs. Hudson stumbles through the door under the weight of the tray of drinks she is carrying. She trips slightly, as she does so, she kicks the door, which in turn, flies open, hitting Sherlock Holmes square in the backside, then bouncing shut in poor Mrs. Hudson's face. Holmes at this point, has the knife poised to slice a lemon, the jolt however, turns a precise and delicate cut, into something of a log chopping exercise. The ferocity with which the knife came down, was enough to send a wedge of lemon ricocheting around the room, taking out a priceless Ming vase, and punching hole clean through Mr. Holmes violin case, just before it returned to puncture Mr. Holmes trousers and lodge itself firmly in his rectum. Dr. Watson continues.....

"........what was it man?"

"Ahhh" sighs our super sleuth, " It's a lemon entry Dr. Watson, a lemon entry"

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like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

"no lemon no melon". What does that spell backwards? Elementary my dear BVC.

BVC- you had to get that tale told one way or another didn't you?

But, all things being equal, I enjoyed the image of Holmes with a lemon in his bungport.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

SW, damn right, as interlektually challlenged as I is, typing all odf that shit in to my comptuter, I figured, time wasted.....

Funny tho' eh?_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

yes, baron, funny indeed.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

When you retire, Dog, I hope you drive up here for a visit. We can go to Home Depot and have fun with our Fart Machine.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Tacoma Home Depot is on my list. Actually I'm leaving tomorrow. Driving from N.J. to Arkansas, then west on I-40 to L.A. for about a week. I believe I will pass through some real Ozark country, and hopefully I will have some stories.

If your taking I-40, PD...just before you get to the Arizona/California border, Take US 95 17 miles south and pay me a visit, we gots a Lowe's AND a Home Depot.

Shoot me an e-mail. I'll buy you a beer.....or a power drill.

Haven't had a drink in almost 7 years, but an iced tea would be good.

Ah....you sly tease of a dog!!! You aren't accepting e-mails via your profile...LJ put you up to this, didn't he?!?!

No, sorry. I asked Dave to put my e-mail in profile a while ago. I will e-mail him, and have him give it to you. I have no problem with anybody I know having it. Will get to you later this afternoon.

I guess I could put it out here, DUH. cdsphiladelphia@yahoo.com

Wow, these posts have pretty much nothing to do with the story anymore...hehe

Well damn, I live on 1-20. Too far for ya. We've got a Lowes, Home Depot, AND 2 Wal Marts.

Good story!!
My brother used to work for Australia Post (the mail service), and one of his jobs was to empty the contents of the street mail-boxes into big canvas bags, and take them to the sorting-place.
He said that it was not uncommon to find that someone had dumped a turd into a clear plastic take-away food container, and addressed it to the Prime Minister.

Loves it.
Somehow this story wouldn't be as funny in the pre-9/11 world. I can imagine someone seriously considering the possibility that the package was an IED, only to discover the truth.

I guess if the bomb squad had detonated the package, it would have blown the shit out of it.

You would illegally open a box in which you had no warrant. There was NO immediate danger or threat of a bomb so therefore by law you would have to report it to a higher sanction if you chose to investigate.

What you did was illegal and wrong, you don't deserve a badge.

Well, Mr. Kevin Cohen, you don't know for sure there was no immediate threat in the box, unless you are the one who put the box on the side of the road in the first place. And, the man was dispatched to check what was in the box, so they gave him permisson.
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

It must Have been"Red's Tamale Day". Did you take a bite ?

IT very well could have been one of Daphne's What-for's...don't fuck with it.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.