OMG!!! What the hell did you do with the doo doo phone? I would have given it to her and let here stew in her own shit. Wait she already did that. Did you still talk to her after this fine display of shitacular proportions?
Too many questons not engough time!
Whoo hoo first post

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No one is the same after I release my Methane!

Wow, a shit fountain - that`s something I`d like to see.

This chick needs a beating. Or you could piss on her chair. Or do unto others as they have done unto you. Or in all seriousness, sue your employer for pain and suffering. By enforcing an overly strict attendance policy, your co-worker could not use the facilities to relieve "ol faithful" thus resulting in a trauma you'll never soon forget.

I LOVE THIS STORY! I love love love this story, because I can relate to everything that was said. I use to work for a call center also and the shit that goes on (pun intended) behind the phone lines make for some very good drunk stories. Can't tell you how many times I showed up with my scank wear and reeking of club smoke and swearing I would never do that again. Oh if the customers only knew what was going on. And I worked for a SECURITY company. I wonder if 911 operators are the same. I would guess they are maybe to a lesser degree.

I do agree, it sounds like your company has some assinine rules, when it comes to breaks. If a person has to go to the bathroom, there should be someone to cover for that person while they are answering natures call.

But, that is how these yuppie companies are. I wonder how they liked seeing a chocolate gusher coming out of one of their employees pants, maybee they will loosen up (no pun intended) their policies.
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A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

I've had people give me shit on the phone before, but never like that. My sympathy.

I had to snicker at this one! Great tale about the whale's tail and the geyser! I can only imagine the stench that came with it.

Did she get in trouble for leaving? Where I work if we just take off, they consider it job abandonment and we get shitcanned (sometimes litally!). If they dont' loosen up their policies about restroom breaks, then I think you guys should just start shitting in the trash cans when the urge arrises. We have some crazy rules regarding our breaks and what areas of the plant we are allowed to walk thru and where the bathrooms are, and ofcourse, my department is the furthest from the shitters and we have to walk 1/4 mile to get there (no kidding). I've already told them that if I was about to shit myself I'd drop trou and shit in the trashcan or on the floor. Some rules are ridiculous and need to be dealt with in a ridiculous manner.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

That, my man, are what cyanide pills are for. Christine emits a shit geyser onto your stuff, you pop the pill, chew, and swallow.

DungDaddy I believe that was a tough enough pill to swallow as it was.

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No one is the same after I release my Methane!

I interviewed for a customer service job last week.I hope they let you take a shit when you have to.I don't see how they can tell you you can't take a dump.They should leave a message for people on hold.All our reps are taking a shit right now please hold(it in).Your call is very important to us.Seriously,you might have grounds for a complaint.I dont know if OSHA can help.

She was wearing a thong while she shit up her pants?!!! Wow that must have been awesome.

I give PF07 the great comment point for that one. It truly must have been awesome! Good choice of words.

an e-mail I just received, regarding this story:
Oh, you %$&*#*%&g BI&%$!!!! You are so fired!!!
And I DID NOT SHIT MYSELF OR ON YOUR PHONE!!!
And I'm not FAT!!!

Sorry about that, sink.

I too want to know what happened to the shitty phone.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

My question is how did the poop get all the way over the cubicle wall?

When I worked at a "Shiti" call center (name changed so I don't get sued by the evil umbrella corporation), they had nutty rules about breaks too. They had a special code you had to type into the phone just for bathroom breaks. The time you spent in the bathroom was docked from your pay. You could also get reprimanded if you got up to use the bathroom more than 4 or 5 times a week (pretty much once a day) or if your potty breaks were deemed too long. If they had to warn you about bathroom breaks twice, the third time you'd get fired. They routinely sent emails reminding everyone that we should be going to the bathroom on our 15 minute and lunch breaks.
Sure, it makes sense to prevent getting up in the middle of work by going potty during your breaks, but some people don't have perfect, predictable bowels and/or bladders. There were a few pregnant girls there and I felt so bad for them because they had to hold it in everyday, until their breaks.

A poop geyser. Poop extrusion. Man, I'd pay money to see it.

What's truly weird, is that no supervisor was around to respond. Or that Ms. ProjectilePoopette didn't get fired for her indiscretion or for soiling phones, cubicles, carpets and whatever else was unfortunate enough to be in her poop's trajectory.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Have you ever called customer service and it sounds like the phone picked up but no one is there? That was me going on an unscheduled whiz. I would just take my head set off and go. I wouldn't log off or anything. If you're sly enough and don't care about screwing the customers there are ways around every stupid rule. It also helps if some of your cubicle budies are watching your back.

I'll assume that she did not get fired, because the employer might be afraid that the unemployment office might be interested in the company's draconian break policies.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

There were no supervisors there because supervisors don't have to work SATURDAYS! Bastards.

Anal About Poop, that also reminds me of "Shiti."
Supervisors did not work on saturdays or sundays. It was fun because we'd take turns pretending to be supervisors whenever an angry customer called in asking for one.

Yeah, we would tell them our supervisors name and them promise them a free month.

Most of our customers were these trashy rednecks talking about, "My double wide done got broken into and the police never done showed up!"

BTW, people are very rude and will swear at and threaten the peons... yet, once a "supervisor" tells the customer to get their fingers out of their butt so that they can punch the numbers in correctly, they'll talk kindly and put on a peaches-n-cream attitude, saying "Oops, my mistake. You're absolutely right."

Problems with your account aren't the customer service reps' fault so don't be rude to them while they try to help you unless they deserve it. These poor folks have crappy jobs and some of them need to use the bathroom with great urgency.

Anal About Poop said "It also helps if some of your cubicle budies are watching your back."
I think the author was watcvhing her back! ewwwww

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No one is the same after I release my Methane!

I meant Watching!

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No one is the same after I release my Methane!

this has to rank in my top 3 PR stories ever. the mental imaging i had while reading this story even Speilberg couldnt re-create. BRAVO!!!!!

ElFartismo, I thought about that after I had typed it. D'oh! But I meant, "looking out for you" to make sure the supervisor was not watching.
FartPoopie, you are soooo right about the people working customer service. At least in my case I was more willing to go out of my way and help a customer if they were nice to me. If they were complete pricks then I would make there life complicated. No need for cursing and yelling. Be nice to customer support and they will be nice to you. Well, most of the time. Unless they are hung over and spewing shit out of their ass.
You know now that I think about it. We are ignoring the biggest victim of this entire situation, the thong. What kind of horrific trauma must that thong have gone through being at point blank range of that canon? Oh the horror.

Now that's dirty talk! (ba dum bsh)

Fart Poopie,
LMAO RE: you "cubicle rats" pretending to be supervisors when angry customers asked for one!
I can just imagine the fun you could have on weekends at work, with that golden opportunity.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

I am so glad that the call center I work at lets us take our breaks any time, the only exclusion is the first hour and the last hour of you shift.

Yeah, that was one of the few fun things at that job that they would let us get away with. They had no choice, unless they wanted to come in saturdays and sundays.

A shit geyser? That's disgusting but oddly hilarious at the same time. Sounds like what Tubgirl does at work. (Tubgirl is disgust, by the way. I am getting the dry heaves just thinking about the video.)

This is just another example of why I don't party and drink. Everyone inevitably ends up with a hangover and then shits/pukes him/herself, sometimes both at once. Still, if no one did this, we wouldn't have very many stories for Poop Report, would we?

Thanks for the relaxing laugh. I am leaving on a flight tomorrow morning and I am terrified of flying. Now I will just think about this story and laugh whenever the plane threatens to fall out of the sky during an air pocket.

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If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I love the word draconian. Thank you Sam Dammit for using such a cool word for our enjoyment.

I had no idea where this was going until the concept of tight pants came into the picture. Once I remembered her buttcrack was evident, all I could think of was "You've got to be kidding me. No way is this chick going to Mt. St. Poopingstock on herself."

But to poop on you as well? Dayam. Well, you know what they say, poop on me once, shame on you. Poop on me twice, shame on me.

I hope you have re-assigned yourself a new seat. And nice story, by the way. Good, matter-of-fact delivery.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Holy crap, when I started reading this story I almost thought it was set in my workplace. The very large call center where I work for a major wireless phone company is chock full of drunks. We don't have as strict rules about breaks, though. I know a couple people with IBS who work there and they are pretty much allowed to log off and poo whenever they want. If you tell your supervisor if you are sick they pretty much don't give a crap, and yes, they know that sick=hung over on weekend mornings (most of them are hung over themselves.)

Besides, if this "Christine" had pooped herself at her cube in my center, I'm quite sure I would have heard about it by now.

I think the more knowledgeable you get to be on the phones the better you are treated at a company. I do level 2 PDA support and not just any jackoff on the street could do my job. (Just most of them.) When I did customer care the rules were a lot stricter, because people were a lot more easily replaced.

My sister's friend Amy worked at a teleservice center for a year. It was for Ford Motor Company and she will never buy a Ford after working there. The people were treated like crap AND they had to be yelled at on a daily basis by irate yuppies whose SUVs broke down because they were crappy. (Both the yuppies and the SUVs.)

Never work at a teleservice center in Florida. This is not a union state and the assholes get away with anything. The things that really got me about her job was that they were given a week's worth of sick leave, but the thing never turned over and so they only had a week for the ENTIRE TIME THEY WORKED WITH THE COMPANY!!! If you used that up, you either had to be at work every day afterward or you were fired.

The other one was during the tropical storm we had here. The service center only closed down for official hurricanes, despite the fact that tropical storms can cause flying debris, power outages, flooding, and other problems. No, it had to be a hurricane. The only ones who could stay home were parents of children under five. One man, who had a five-year-old and a three-year-old, stayed home with his kids, who were terrified during the storm. The jackasses fired him anyway.

Fucking corporate America!

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If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

Answers to several questions:

1. She did not get fired, she still works there and still comes in hung over on weekends.
I spoke to my supervisor about it. They had a meeting and decided that if she had enough stones to come back to work the next day then she deserved to keep her job.

2. It was not my phone but the companies phone that I use. It was removed from the cubicle and (hopefully) replaced with a non-tainted one.

3. The shit did not go over the wall but rather past it. The cubicles only extend to the end of the desk. There is no divider between us peons.

Anymore questions I'll be happy to answer. Im glad you all enjoyed my story.

With heavy sigh and piteous groan
I shat upon your telephone.
Drunk and nasty I came to work
And shit from out my pants did perk.
I beg you-send me not to hell,
To be tormented by Alex Graham Bell.
Next week I swear (on my mother's head)
I'll simply puke on you instead.

AC that was such a smutty lymric! I loved it.

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No one is the same after I release my Methane!

You have to admire the girl's dedication to her job, sitting there even though she was going to shit herself.
Call center jobs suck- when I worked at one, I took advantage of the lack of supervision and got away with a lot of things-- as long as you clock in on time, and take your breaks on time, it was pretty easy to do whatever.
I remember once this caller pissed me off so bad that I went to the company's pay phone (this was a long time ago, hence the pay phone) and called the asshole and left a ranting message on his answering machine.
Anyway, good story- brought some memories flooding back. Might I suggest you request a different cubicle?

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Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

I too worked in a call center for a couple of years. I won't be too specific but I will say that it was for the largest Satelite TV company in the nation.

Anyway, I worked there before and after my stroke. Before, I would just have the hangover days. After, I didn't drink, but I had the bowel controll issues. After my first loss at work they rightly decided (thanks to a call from my lawyer) to loosen up on my break schedule, AND gave me a locker to put a change of clothes in just in case. I agree that corporate america is evil, but a good lawyer can help you win the battle.

Another customer service trend that I've noticed. Has anyone had the customer on the other end of the phone FLUSH in the middle of the conversation? Or grunt and plop? I had this happen on numerous occasions. I was pretty disturbed by those people.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

TSV wrote: "A shit geyser? That's disgusting but oddly hilarious at the same time."

With a Poop Report nom de poop like The Shit Volcano, I'd think you'd relate to a "shit geyser." That's like a first cousin. :^)

After reading about Amy's employer, I'll think twice before using the teleservice for my Ranger pickup. I never have, and now I never will. One week of sick leave for the full time you're employed? That's more than draconian, it's bizarre. Might be the corporation's way of hinting that they don't expect anyone to stay with them for more than a couple years at the most. That's their method of spurring frequent turnover.

The restrictive bathroom policies y'all are talking about make me wonder why those big soulless corporations don't just hand out "Depends" adult diapers to their employees and remove the lavatories.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

One of the best stories ever! PoopReport keeps rockin' my socks off more and more.

When the shit hit your phone what did you say/do? "Sorry to interrupt you ma'am, my coworker just showered me with shit and I have to go wash up. Would you please hold?"

9IL, I have most definitely had the people flush. I had a guy call in once and he had to do such-and-such to his phone or Blackberry or whatever to make it work, and I believe the fix entailed hooking it up to a computer or what have you, and he glibly informed me, "I can't do that right now. I'm on the toilet!" I told him to call back when he was done. I wonder what he would have done if I had said "Don't forget to wash your hands before you call back."

My brother has absolutely no qualms about calling people from the toilet. He ends the conversation by saying, "Well, let me let you go. I'm done and I have to wipe." EW! I then want to clean my ear and gouge out my minds eye.

AAP: I generally don't have a problem calling people from the toilet, or them calling me, so long as I know them, well. It's one thing for your friend to be talking about pooping (it's funny and you can both laugh), but for a total stranger on a "professional" call? Especially given how dumb these people generally are to begin with. It makes me wonder if they are in an outhouse, or know how to wipe or wash their hands. I hear people flush all the time, but I never hear the sink turn on. Hmmm.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

I love this story. I wasn't aware so many people shit themselves at call centers. I think maybe its time you send out your resume or think about a career change.

I work at a service call center for a chain appliance retailer. You wouldn't believe the shit that goes on here. There are no rules. The smokers are outside literally a third of the day smoking. People get up and wander off from their desks at the drop of the hat. Some of us have sneaked off to have sex and never got in trouble. The pay sucks, there are no benefits, you have no recourse when problems arise, but you can get away with fucking murder. I'm amazed that such strictness exists.

YOU SNEAK AWAY TO FUCK????? Where the hell do you work? Sign me up ASAP!

Yikes! This company either needs to allow bathroom breaks, or it needs to give each employee a bucket to keep under their desk.

I worked at a bank cube farm, and it was the same. It was a very threatening atmosphere.

If we had to pee or poop outside our (ironclad) break times, we'd have to decide if it was worth it to go "off queue" and surely get the NastyGram in our box, sign it, and return it to our supervisor.

It WAS draconian.

Maybe having a box of Depends at each cubicle isn't a bad idea after all.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

These employers sound like real assholes.

I worked in HR for a large retail chain (not Walfart) and our rules were nothing like what I am reading in this thread.

We could come and go to the bathroom as we wished, we weren't monitored by the supervisors, it was a great environment.
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A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

I know people who work at Wal-Mart. If they need to go, they just go. No tight-assed stuff like you speak of.

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[Insert witty banter here]

I worked in a call center it serves that place right to smell like poop.

Help us train others less fortunate than us to poop properly on our "How to potty train a homeless person story."

I would have loved to see that.

Depending on what type of company you work at. if you have the right connections, or know anyone who does, the rules regarding restrooms could get revised.
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

I don't know, H1. If they haven't changed the rules after someone crapped themselves at their desk, well, I don't suppose they're ever going to change them.

The girl of the crap in the thong.

As far as I know, it's a violation of Federal law to forbid any employee to use the restroom, or to penalize them in any way for doing so. The company really should get sued for this.

Let me set you all straight on a coupla issues here. I am a supervisor in one of these godforsaken cubicle farms peopled by the dregs of society. If you ddin't ride these people's asses they'd do fucking nothing and demand a paycheck for it. You let them have a five minute toilet break and they come back half an hour later smelling like cigarette smoke. Ask them if they went out for a smoke, they look you in the eye and say "no". These goddam lazy shiftless fucking alcoholic retards could screw up a wet dream, and you people sympathize with them??? Either your asses aren't on the line to make these scum produce or you're one of them.

Anonymous, if you're such an expert on lazy, shiftless fucking alcoholic retards why not provide you HR department with some feedback indicating they can't recruit decent employees. Sounds like you're the lazy shiftless fuck, blaming others for your own lack of supervisory skills. Get another job if it's so bad, my guess is the rot where you work starts from the top down. Shit does indeed flow downhill.

makes me glad I didn't get hired at that stupid call center. To bad there isn't footage of this I have a hard time believing without proof. If the shit splashed on your phone was their backsplash that hit you? and if so please tell me it didn't go in your face. Did they close down that department that day from the smell? I think she should have had to clean it up, sick ass!