Did anybody else get sick? Did anybody else even eat any of it?

That's just about the grossest thing I ever heard of! Great story! "Mr. Tudball." "Every nerve in my anus was quivering worse than the nose hairs on Rosie O'Donnell's chihuahua." Loved the imagery--almost Dickensian.

meatloaf? they gave you meatloaf?? that's like, the worst present i've ever heard of. who gives somebody a meatloaf on their birthday?? it would be one thing if it was your favorite food or something. but meatloaf? fuckin' meatloaf?? are these people retarded??

good story, though. wonderful descriptions. " It tasted worse than a garden hose sandwich." hehehe....good stuff.
i love poop.

Did Mr. Tudball frost the koala bear with a light icing of "gummy" mashed potatoes? That's the only thing I can imagine making a horrendous experience worse.

My gag reflex was working overtime as you described the texture and smell of the beastloaf. Great story.

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"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

It sounds like no one else ate any - they just plopped a hunk in front of the Birthday Girl.

What did the doctor diagnose?

Good story, but awful situation. Wonderpance is right - who the hell gives meatloaf as a birthday present at work?

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Maybe it wasn't just koala "shaped." Seriously, they should have used the cute koala pan to make a nice chocolate cake like normal people!! Then you could have had regular old diarrhea instead of the deadly kind.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

I gotta wonder if Mr. Turdball and your co-workers made a connection between the meatloaf "surprise" and your lengthy hospital stay immediately after.

Ex-Lax brownies would have been a better present.

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PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Wow, you work in a real shithole. Nice metaphors though. Very descriptive! What was the disease that put you in the hospital?

I will cut them some slack because it was 2 days before Christmas and maybe they were low on cash.They still could have chipped in for cake and a Poopendale Dancer.The only Meatloaf I like is the fat guy who sings Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

Well, meatloaf was on the plans for dinner tonite, but after the description of:

"smelled the musky remains of an obviously inbred cow that had been drinking pond water laced with anti-freeze in a junkyard for twenty years."

Just so graphically aweful, but unfortunately probably true! Great story!!

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

What the fuck? Meatloaf for birthday lunch? Ah well, if it had enough BBQ sauce on it it might be edible.

On second though, with your descriptions, maybe not.

"It smelled like someone had cooked a parrot on the radiator of a thirty-eight-year-old overheated Carpenter bus, stuck it in a bottle of rotten feta cheese, and then sprinkled cedar shavings onto it."

Costco cakes are only 14.99! I'm sure ground beef is more than that!

Sounds like your boss and co-workers have some kind of sick sense of humor. I agree, this may not have been an accident. People are such schmucks.

I have to say, that is definitely the weirdest idea I have ever heard of a birthday "cake." It sounds like something from a John Watters movie, or else something you'd see in the Gallery of Regrettable Food (http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/). Great writing, though.

I get the feeling that your coworkers don't like you very much. At many jobs I've had we used to throw each other birthday parties. We'd get fuckin' cake, or at least cupcakes, like normal people. If we wanted lunch we'd order in or I'd make a fuckin' lasagna. Not meat loaf. You people live too damn close to Three Mile Island I think. People up here in the Lehigh Valley are tards but not that bad.

I love the imagery in this story though, Garden hose sandwich, that's a real winner. I make meatloaf once in a while because Mr. Blaster likes it but I really don't care for it too much. This sure didn't help.

Hey, what's up with all the f***ing around here? I thought this site was about crap, not vulgar sex. Some of you seem to have watched American Pie too many times, the way you enjoy screwing foods like meatloaf and cake and lasagna. Freaks!

LakeTiti, did I miss something? What "sex," vulgar or otherwise, are you referring to? 'Course, it won't be the first time sex has eluded The Dumpster.

That's it Dumpster, I'm having Bunga send you a care package!

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter, I am reduced to "LOL." Maybe that's where Bunga is, off marketing his dildos.

Dumpster, he's referring to my comments about "fuckin' cake" and "fuckin' lasagna." I saw that comment and laughed my ass off before I approved it. I've had coworkers steal my lunch but never stick their wee-wees in my lasagna.

Oh. I see. Just "Yankee talk," where the word "fuck" is merely used as an intensifier.

When we use that word down South, you better FUCKIN' believe it means somethin'!

And I'm not sure what I would do with one of Bunga's dildos, unless AB2K would agree to give me a demonstration.

Maybe Bunga has some Dildonts, you know, the reverse of an actual dildo. I'm sure there is a website to find out how to use them Dumpster.

Hey, I know, look on your favorite Wikipedia site! You have a Platinum membership there don't you?

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Dumpster actually helps write some of the stuff on there.

More points to the resume Dumpster.... Just don't eat meatloaf today (had to stay on thread)

I'm going to send you a ream of paper for printing out that darn resume one of these days. Too much longer and you'll have to title it:

THE DUMPSTER REPORT: facts, figures and qualifications of Americas Leading Stud-Cupcake

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Remember what I said in response to your similar comment on the forums: Dumpster's resume is like Jack Ryan's CIA file. There are a lot of things in there that can never be made public.

PS wrote: [M]aybe Bunga has some Dildonts, you know, the reverse of an actual dildo.

In that case, Poop Shooter it becomes "art".

This is only one reason to go vegetarian! Just kidding.

This is the oddest story that I've read here in a bit. The concept that someone would get a meatloaf for their birthday is totally off the wall. That's like giving someone vinyl siding or a shower curtain.

Well, as a survivor of serious food poisoning and as the mom of a kid who was hospitalized for salmonella, I feel for you. Food poisoning is not only no fun, but most of the time it's avoidable by the simple tactics of washing your hands, cooking the shit out of your food, and changing utensils as the food cooks so that you don't serve it with the spoon that stirred anything raw.

You poor thing.
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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

This is a poop story in more ways than one. It sounds like you might have got hold of a bit of e-coli.

Very witty writing, and I wonder if you decided to use the name Mr. Tudball from the character Tim Conway played on the old 'Carol Burnett' show. He was this bad-toupeed anal boss that Carol worked for, playing his dumb as a fencepost, jut-butted secretary. I loved those sketches!

And I loved your story, Bettie S! But the other poopers are right--meatloaf as a birthday present is as wrong-headed as Betty Crocker on crack-cocaine!

I've seen many a sketchy birthday celebration food being served at workplaces but NEVER anything as odd as a Meatloaf Koala, CRIKEY! Glad you made it out alive.

My suspicions are that Mr. Tudball was unhappy with the performance of his staff and rather than face the unpleasant task of terminating everyone at Christmas time used the dreaded ruse of the meatloaf Koala as a poisoning method hence everyone would go home for the holidays, be sick, die and leave him free to replace you all with cheaper temps and interns. Authorities would investigate but most likely chalk it up to bad foods served over the holidays and he would be scot-free to use the savings he generated to purchase a state of the art hair weave and vacation with one of the new young interns.

What was Carol's character's name, Ms. Hwiggins? "I have pencils to sharpen!" That brings back memories, Wiper.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Never eat anything served by a co-worker unless you work in a restraunt..and perhaps not even then. There is always office politics in play and intentional mild poisoning is more common than you would think..there might have been one of the old Hens there thinking "I am going to get that bitch!" as she sprinkles trace amounts of ammonium oxide onto the meat loaf.

Did anyone in the office ever find out you got sick after the meatloaf incident?

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See what's happening on The Dumpster Debacle
Poop Shooter!

If someone could go to all the trouble of making a Koala shape out of meatloaf, WHY couldn't that same person have used CAKE MIX?!?

I am dumbfounded. Jello would have worked, even. That's the weirdest thing I've heard in a while.

My favorite line was the very first one, though. It set the tone nicely; very funny!

"My eyes began to water over as I smelled the musky remains of an obviously inbred cow that had been drinking pond water laced with anti-freeze in a junkyard for twenty years. It smelled like someone had cooked a parrot on the radiator of a thirty-eight-year-old overheated Carpenter bus, stuck it in a bottle of rotten feta cheese, and then sprinkled cedar shavings onto it."

Damn, that's pure poetry. My eyes filled up with tears, and not just because I let loose a cabbage fart as I began reading either. You deserve the POOlitzer prize. That was the shit. Really. My boss came in and wanted to know what the hell I was laughing about.

whenever i eat meatloaf that is exactly what comes out of me. It fells like loafs of meat shooting out of me.

It sounds like that meat loaf is someting that they had shipped out of Area 51.

I can say that you had guts sticking that stuff in your mouth.

Very well written story by the way.
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"willed my fork there, and shoveled a trollop of it into my mouth. "
I haven't had my mouth on a trollop since high school when I broke up with my girlfriend a week before the prom and had to take the class slut as my date. I can plead drunkeness, but I guess I'll just say that my mouth went where angels fear to tread that night, and I should have been able to say No to my impulses.
I still feel dirty, remembering what I can of that night... I guess for guys the "first time" isn't always as special as it is for women. (Even worse, she started telling people she was my girlfriend after that!)

"I haven't had my mouth on a trollop since high school..."

I am only able to read poopreport at work, as I seldom can get online at home. (Four kids, one wife, and one modem connected PC). Writing like this makes me actually look forward to getting to work in the morning. Now if I could find a way to avoid the work and get paid to read PR I'd be happy as shit.

"I smelled the musky remains of an obviously inbred cow that had been drinking pond water laced with anti-freeze in a junkyard for twenty years. It smelled like someone had cooked a parrot on the radiator of a thirty-eight-year-old overheated Carpenter bus, stuck it in a bottle of rotten feta cheese, and then sprinkled cedar shavings onto it."

Great imagery!
Who the hell gives someone a poison laced meatloaf shit stained koala bear cake for their birthday? Who are these people? Where was PETA?

I liked the part about sitting on the shuttle of mudlove LMAO.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

BS - Not only do I sympathise on the meatloaf front - I would not have appreciated that at all - but I also share your birthday!! My commiserations!!

Nothing says happy birthday quite like a steaming plate heaped with ass.

I don't believe this story. I think it was made up and the poster is an attention whore.