Home Depoo

m 1+ points - Newb

A few years back, I was working in construction. As most construction workers probably know, fast food can be your mortal enemy when you are working out in the hot sun. Somehow that double cheeseburger always ends up coming back to haunt you, usually sooner rather than later.

Four of us had just eaten lunch at a local fast food joint, and the boss decided that he needed something from the Home Depot. Since we were all riding together in the company truck, the lot of us ended up in the store, waiting on our boss to go about his business. While gathering up the items he needed, he had felt the sudden compulsion to let loose the unholy fury of a large chicken strip special into a porcelain receptacle.

I was the one who was chosen to carry the supplies while he took a dump. After about five minutes, though, I began to feel a high pressure system moving into my own lower altitudes.

Surely he would be done before long, I thought, and then I could take my turn in the crapper. Not so.

As the next five minutes dragged by like an eternity, I realized I couldn't wait anymore. I laid the tools down on the nearest shelf and took off towards the bathrooms like an Olympic sprinter. I dashed into the nearest stall, which happened to be the one beside my boss, and half-sat, half-fell onto the toilet. To this day, I have never pooed in such volume, or so loudly. I have no doubt that the sound of now-liquefied french fries hitting the bowl made its way out into the aisles, as did the smell.

Business being done, I used about a half a roll of paper to wipe away the splattered poo from my buttocks, and quietly exited the restroom.

About two minutes later, my boss ran out of the bathroom, looking around, and asked in amazement, “Did you see that guy who just left the bathroom? He took the loudest crap I have ever heard!”

It took me almost a full minute to stop laughing long enough to tell him that I was the one who took the Hiroshima Poop.

The look on his face was priceless, and for the rest of the day, one needed only to mention the word Crap to have him rolling on the ground laughing.

15 Comments on "Home Depoo"

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

"Hiroshima Poop." Now, I have a vision of a mushroom cloud looming out of the toilet.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You're lucky there was another stall, or you would have had to resort to plan C. The orange Homer bucket behind the garage door display.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

There must be some bright spark out there, an aero or F1 designer who could put his talents towards designing a soundproof or sound absorbing toilet bowl.

We`ve had this basic shape and the same material since the beginning, it must be one of the few things that hasn`t really had much radical reworking.

Maybe it could use some work in a wind tunnel and carbon fibre.

The voice of sanity

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I guess the guy could have grabbed an armload of fiberglass insulation and filled the bowl to overflowing with it. That certainly would have deadened the sound, but probably would have created some other unpleasant problems.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I always enjoyed pooping at the Home Depoo in my town until they modernized with--you guessed it--Auto-Flush! Yuck! Now, if I have the need, I'll find a way to go next door to Target to unload; nice old-fashioned (but very clean and modern-looking) toilets.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

MSG, are you afraid your danglies will get sucked in?
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Colon Chowdah's picture

Sound absorbing bowl? Hell, I'd pay good money for one with a resonator! Serenade the store with your virtuoso butt trumpet skills and be proud.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hello, BL: No, my accoutrements are still well attached. I merely dislike having my poop flushed away--sometimes half a dozen times--before I get to look at it, to say nothing of the involuntary splashment that so often occurs with such wasteful appliances. The new ones in HD don't merely flush--they blast, and the noise is frightful. Yuck!

Toxic Waste's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

MSG, I concur. Those blasted blasting toilets in HD take all the fun out of what should be a pleasant and satisfying sit-down. It's a deep, primal instinct to turn around and look at your creation. Even dogs and cats take an appraising look at their droppings. But those toilets whoosh everything away at your slightest twitch. I was in there once and sneezed 3 times while I was sitting, and with each sneeze I leaned forward and the toilet flushed. *ahhh choo FLUSH! ahhh choo FLUSH! ahhh choo FLUSH!*

Toxic Waste's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

PS. @oopsieispoo, funny story! I'm proud of you for being shameless and upright about the detonation you set off in there!

oopsieispoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thankfully, the Home Depoos in my area have not yet switched to autoflush, so I still enjoy pooing there, although not usually so loudly as that one. As for the sound-deadening toilet, it kinda made me wonder; If a bear has diarrhea in the woods, and no one is around to see it, does it still make a noise?

(It's a palindrome)

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Nice story Oopsie, it got right to the hilarious point. Well done.

Marcellus's picture

You got medieval on your own buttocks!

Anonymous Coward's picture

porcelain receptacle??? It's a toilet, dude.

Sir Ploppers's picture

Home Depoo rofl. I bought my first house recently, which is a big fixer upper. Before joining a buying club, I'd do my shopping at the Home Depot down the street. Oh boy, one day, I had been up kind of late the night before having some beers and eating tons of brats and chili (thanks mommy in law) while taking up the floor in the basement. I woke up with 17 spears running through my intestinal region in a rather complex pattern. Knowing it was the weekend and things needed done, I blocked out my morning poop so I could get on with my day (they can take up to 45 minutes). Big mistake. I had the wife with me and we were perusing the flooring aisles. Then, it hit. It's that feeling like your cheeks are already spread open and just yearning to release the chocolate volcano. So I danced around for a minute and let a few SBDs in the lighting aisle (hate the lighting aisles, gives me headaches). After that, I couldn't take it anymore. I peaced out and ran along the back of the place looking for the bathroom. Literally, running. I let out a squeaky fart which felt warm, but not the good warm. The holy hell when's it not going to be warm anymore kind of fart. By the time I got into the bathroom (which was vacant, damnit!!) I was throwing myself around trying to get there even a half second faster. I threw the cheap ass plastic seat down and in a blur wiped the piss off (why can't people not piss on seats I'll never know). It was a little bit too late by the time I got to cheek touchdown. I had little runny particles down the back of my right calf. When I released, it was a series of three brraaakkkkkk type sounds, in a decrescendo pattern. It was allll greasy, too. I swear my body didn't even bother filtering out most of the grease from the damn brats. It smelled something horrible, but not that pungent runny eggs sulfur smell, but more raw and greasy if that makes sense. It was nasty, even for me...and I really do enjoy my own stench on a good day. I cleaned up which took about 10 minutes (maybe 7 or 8, but a long time) and had a chafed as hell exit terminal. I had to sneak out and wet down some paper towels to use at the end...it was just too raw to keep wiping over and over and over. I had to wipe my leg down, too. Ugh, that's a poop that was unpleasant.

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