Loch Mess

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We were building a custom home for a very picky home owner. The house was large and commanded a nice view overlooking the huge, man-made lake in their backyard. My IBS was at it again, but luckily we had walls in the house, doors, and even toilets. The only problem was that we didn't have running water yet. With that being said, of course the port-a-potty was packed full and unbearable to smell.

I was scrambling to find a solution to where to poop, and I had to act fast. I ran into the bathroom, even though I knew the water wasn't running. I figured I could pinch off a loaf with the privacy and feeling of a real bathroom, even though the doors had no doorknobs, and the homeowners could have been back to check out our process since their last visit. I had to pull a MacGyver and fast, so I finagled a makeshift toilet from a five-gallon bucket, a plastic grocery bag, and a bowl-shaped light fixture that was going to be installed on the front porch. With these newly-acquired accessories, I erected a toilet in the guest bathroom in the hall. It was pitch black in there, but the door had no knobs, so it let in little light to the walk-in shower that I made into my temporary stall.

While in location I placed the bucket on the floor and wrapped the inside of the five-gallon bucket with the plastic grocery bag, like it was a mini garbage can. I did this because number two usually is accompanied with number one, and I didn’t want either substance to be all over the bucket when I could use it later for something work-related. The bowl-shaped light fixture was in there, too. Due to my panic, I don’t remember why I’d brought it. I did manage to remember I’d need to wipe, so I grabbed some paper towels out of the trailer to aid in my problem.

Once I was comfortable with my make-shift toilet, I sat on the bucket and unleashed explosive and appalling stomach sewage into the bucket, peeing all over the inside of the bucket around the plastic bag. The bucket was so uncomfortable that I resorted to squatting rather than to sit on that thin bucket rim. You would be surprised how hot it got in that non air-conditioned Florida home. Sweat was dripping from every point on my body as I suspiciously listened to every possible noise that could have been an intruder to see my shame.

When I was done wiping up the mess and tying off the bag, I discovered a new problem that had arisen; what was I going to do with this plastic bag full of crap and shitty paper towels with a yellow fluid resting in the bag’s corners? I was out of ideas, and the homeowners could have been back any minute. Anywhere I could have put it was left to be discovered with an embarrassing ending. The dumpster was an option, but I frequented that thing so often for spare scraps that I was afraid I would come across its smell or presence soon enough. There was only one option: the lake.

I imagined chucking it into the lake, only to have it re-surface and be discovered. If I was going to get this shit-bird to sleep with the fishes I had to do it like a gangster would. I shoved a large piece of concrete rock in the bag, tied it up, and chucked it into the depths of the lake to be discovered by our ancestors. May we never speak of it again.

15 Comments on "Loch Mess"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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This could easily be the lamest story I have ever read. You took a crap and chucked it in a lake. Next............

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I think that rather than being discovered by our ancestors the bag will be discovered by our descendants, unless you tossed your turdage into a time warp.


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Rattle yer Dags's picture
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Did you put the light-fixture inside the bucket? I'm not really sure I understand its place. In any case, I have a feeling the bag will be there much longer than the poo.

C Everett Poop, if someone told me "[I] took a crap and chucked it in a lake" before today, I would be asking for details. Now I know.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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RPD, please don't feed the caymans.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

athenivanidx's picture
l 100+ points
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What's a MacGyver? This is like the third time I have seen this expression used......still not sure what it means.


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We three shits of Mathematica are. Laughing on the toilet, har, har!

We three shits of Mathematica are. Laughing on the toilet, har, har!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Sounds like a new brown trout to me.

FlynmonkeyPoop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Athenivandix;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacGyver

Story was sorta funny, but it'd been a helluva lot funnier if the owner's had walked in. Kudos for the emergency setup, RPD.

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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' -Basic Flight Training Manual-

Pantload's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I enjoyed this tale of improvization under pressure. I usually don't have time to build an impromptu toilet when Uncle Eddie is pokin' his nose out.

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Toxic Waste's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Who among us is not familiar with that sense of panic, when you know your lower half is about to explode and there's no place to let it go? Your mind plays strange tricks on you, like convincing you that you need to bring a light fixture with you when you're dooking. Or that your long dead ancestors are hiding at the bottom of a pond, and you need to throw crap on them. The mind is an amazing thing, after all.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points
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MacGyver = Was an 80's TV show. He always concocted some set up to help him escape the bad guys. As in, you forgot the frying pan on a camping trip so you make do with a forked stick and some tin foil. That's pulling a MacGyver. Actually, the forked stick and tin foil is way too obvious. Using some threads from your plaid jacket and hanging the threaded bacon from your car's tire iron is more of a MacGyver.
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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Back when I first started in construction, we had a plumber who used to eat his lunch then go into his van (a transit with no windows in the back), take a shit on the newspaper he read while eating, and then throw it away in the nearest bin.

The voice of sanity

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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ammonia, batshit, and an empty plastic 2 liter bottle makes an interesting Macgyver solution to a locked door. Don't stand close.

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"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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For some reason envisioning the bowl shaped light fixture laying in the bucket for no apparent reason has me laughing the most.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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No shovel nearby to dig a slit trench ?

PooPooTigress's picture
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I remember going camping when I was a young teenager. We were out in this area that didn't have a porta-john. For whatever reason.. still don't know why I agreed to it.. but my cousin had brought this spicy sausage stuff. It's delicious stuff... even better when cooked like a hotdog over an open fire.. But when you have IBS, it can really do numbers on you.

Night fell, I ended up having to run through the woods looking for a place to go. Though because I was only a teenager, I was terrified of getting lost. Ended going so far and just sitting on a log with my butt hanging over the side of it so I had some leverage. By the end of it, was very thankful to have wipes-to-go on me. (In case you're wondering, I carry those around with me while camping because I just never know what's going to happen. lol. And I'm a bit of a neat freak when it comes to things like that.).
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Shit happens...then you need a shovel.

Shit happens...then you need a shovel.